Living with an alcoholic - I've had enough 😬

[guildingthelily]

We are staying with my parents for Christmas. We have 2 DC aged 7 and 9. My husband treats all holidays as a reason to get pissed every night. Don't get me wrong I join in with a few glasses at dinner time, so I am no Saint but I don't actually get drunk every single night. Sharing a bed with him is impossible - he snores, talks in his sleep, rolls around, flailing arms and legs plus random trips to the toilet throughout the night. My parents already know he has a problem and keep quiet as last time they said something about his addiction, he ignored it completely.

It's embarrassing quite frankly. He avoids doing kids bedtime as as soon as it hits 5pm he starts drinking. Then he pours himself glass after glass of beer or wine. If we go to the pub to see friends hell have about 5 pints then carries on when we get back by himself for a few more hours.

Tomorrow is Christmas day and Im worried what state he will get in, as I know hell start drinking at noon (at the latest).

Hand hold please :)

Your poor children.
They will be absorbing and internalising the shame and the stress of his behaviour. They are also being emotionally neglected as he cannot be present for them whilst drunk or hungover. They will also be absorbing and internalising your stress, flinching, preoccupation as well as noticing and being shamed by that of any other adults around (the GPs).

This is doing them significant emotional injury which will play out in the short and long term with anxieties, behavioural issues and likely depression / MH issues and RS instability when they are older.

Google Adult Children of Alcoholics to see what’s in store - or start another thread asking how did having an alcoholic parent impact your life.

Then just decide if you want to expose your DCs to anymore of this.

The answers all lie with you right now. Not him. He may come round once you have changed the dynamic. Look up Al Anon they will support you to cope and protect your DCs.

Sounds like you need to think seriously about changes to your relationship in 2020.

Can you hide alcohol?
Not all of it, but a lot of it.
Not idea how you can limit what he drinks but if he can't find it then he can't drink it.
Or could you let him get blotto then just put him to bed and enjoy the rest of your day/evening?

Your poor DC do not deserve this role model at all and you know that.
In the new year, get in touch with Al-Anon. They can be a great support for you and your DC.

Leave him. Trust me from somebody who grew up with a selfish, alcoholic father it fucked me up!

Don’t do this to your children.

I doubt this is going to be a popular post but you're not innocent in all this either.. you may not get drunk but you're happily having a couple of glasses too...I'm not saying you shouldn't but both of you seem to have a bit of an issue and need to look at how this is impacting the children. If you've both had a fair bit to drink then who is taking care of the kids, in an emergency are either of you in a fit state to take control?

Really unfair on your parents as well as your kids.

I’d be inclined to ask him to leave their house as he’s embarrassing and is ruining Christmas for everyone.

I’m sorry but I’m going to be harsh. You don’t need a handhold. You need an exit strategy.

I agree with wolfie....

Having lived with an alcoholic for 16 years before finally getting rid of him, I can tell you it will do damage to your children.

My eldest (who saw and heard too much) has no relationship with his dad and cannot bear drinking, drunk people, pubs anything like that... as a 22 year old it impacts massively on his social life.

He was a useless partner and has proved to be a crap dad. My children deserved so much more. I wish I'd left years before.

You can spend years trying to support and help but I wouldn't bother for the sake of your kids I'd leave.

You need more than a mere handhold, you need to leave your alcoholic

What are you getting out of this relationship now

The damage here being done is incalculable but it is happening to them right in front of your very eyes.

Is this just a rant or are you going to start making plans so that this isn’t your kids next Christmas and the Christmas after that?

I have an exit strategy but I need to wait 6 months. So I can move house by myself and the kids. He woke up late and very bleary eyed this morning. The kids are oblivious to his behaviour as it is mostly once they're in bed. He is good at putting on a front being an ex actor. I am a social drinker, yes, like a lot of people but can take it or leave it and know when to stop. When I say I sometimes have a couple of drinks, I mean literally two or three max. So I am always in a fit state to look after the kids.

The kids are oblivious to his behaviour as it is mostly once they're in bed.

So sorry but that is not possible. Do some research. They sense and internalise the dysfunction in the home, his disconnection from them when he is hungover and drunk all of the twitchy behaviour of the other adults.

Great that you have an exit plan. Get yourself some support so that you can divert your finite emotional resources 100% to your DCs and not be negatively preoccupied and drained by his antics. Al anon will teach you to “detach with love” whilst you and your DCs continue to be exposed to him 24/7 for the next 6 months.

Be open with all of your friends and family - they will have seen it all already but this will take away their excruciating discomfort in your company and they will help you through this. There are many people living your life - I hope you can find the focus and strength to detach to save your DCs from further harm.

Thank you everyone. I plan to contact Al anon in the new year and take it from there. I just need to get through the next week of holidays. Once we're both back at work, this will help reduce the drinking and help me and the kids.

Why not drive him home and leave him there? Tell the kids that Daddy is poorly and wants to go home where it's quiet.

It's rotten that he's spoiling things for everyone with his behaviour.

Not possible to drive him home as we live in South East Asia. And we're in Yorkshire for the Christmas holidays. This us why I just have to put up with it and bite my tongue for another week. I'm just hoping he hasn't already started drinking whilst I'm at the shops. My mum has the kids luckily.

My ex was like yours. The dread and unease spoiled many times that should have been relaxing, happy and fun. I still enjoy the sense of relief and calmness of not having to put up with it now, nearly 20 years later. 💐

I feel for you and your family as a drinker is awful to be around. It changes who you are as you have to be watchful, even as simple as going to the shops.

Does he have family? Is he likely to go to see them?

Well done for having an exit strategy.
But your kids are not oblivious. They will be aware of something, even if they don't know exactly what's going on. My mother was an alcoholic and I dreaded Christmas. There's nothing you can do (unless he wants to stop of course) other than leave him to it.

I hope your Christmas is better than you expect it to, and wish you luck in getting yourself and your children out.

My brother is like this. Ruined so many family get togethers. My kids know their uncle has a problem. Everyone does. It's so embarrassing and sad for everyone

Your DH is unlikely to change without significant intervention. I'm sad for you it must be a nightmare. Hows your marriage otherwise..... is it worth trying to help him or should you cut your losses and get your kids away from such a toxic environment??

Only you know the answer xxx

My mum has always been like this. Drinking from 2pm, has done horrific things to me over the years. I also remember my dad and his drinking - I was only small, but I still remember the drunken glassy eyed look he'd get. You might think the kids don't know but I'm absolutely betting they can tell full well when dad has been drinking.

I hear you. Life has been hell the last 15 months to.try and get my husband support to get on too of his addiction. He has done nothing to help himself and is currently drinking $30-40 (aus $) a day. We are now seperated and he is apparently moving out in the middle of jan. I have so.much anger, resentment and frustration toward him at the monent that je has put alcohol above his children, our marraige and family unit. I cant tske any more if the lies and him telling me what thinks i want to hear before drinking again

I was married to an alcoholic and left him 4 years ago. At the end it was hell on earth. We were broke and In debt due to the drinking. He was sacked from his last job drinking.

He hid his drinking and I would regularly play hunt the vodka bottle round the house. A happy night were the nights he drank so much he would be passed out all evening rather than the angry nasty drunk.

Never his fault why he drank - everyone else was to blame

The utter relief I felt when I left him was immense and with time I got my life together.

For him - without being dramatic - he drank himself to death.

Get through Christmas and then start making the exit plan. If he can get to the gp there is help locally which is more then AA. My ex used to go drop in clinic for addicts but needs the gp to refer

Really open up to your parents. They will be relieved that you have a plan. They will be relieved that you have addressed the elephant in the room with them.

They will be delighted to be able to support you. There will be no more secrets and lies once you take the excruciating walking on eggs shells and everyone ignoring it, away.

Can all 3 of you ask him to go upstairs and sleep it off before it gets bad - or all go out for a walk and leave him behind?

My Df did his drinking out of the house, but as kids we still knew, it messed us up. Mum kicked him out when I was 9 and my relationship was pretty superficial and facilitated by his Mother who was a wonderful Gran. Dsis only saw him sporadically. He was the life and sole of the party such a happy drunk, but a drunk non the less. Dead now and helpd out of this world by alcohol. So sad to see. I'm glad you are getting out soon as, let your kids have a normal happy home with you.

Ivejust ended a relationship with a man i love but he drinks every single day. I recommend ending it. I feel sad and frustrated that he wont consider changing but i feel better than i thought i would. He isnt a gaslighter by nature but he interprets this as me being too controlling. THAT is why we split, he believes.