Living with an alcoholic - I've had enough 😬

[guildingthelily]

We are staying with my parents for Christmas. We have 2 DC aged 7 and 9. My husband treats all holidays as a reason to get pissed every night. Don't get me wrong I join in with a few glasses at dinner time, so I am no Saint but I don't actually get drunk every single night. Sharing a bed with him is impossible - he snores, talks in his sleep, rolls around, flailing arms and legs plus random trips to the toilet throughout the night. My parents already know he has a problem and keep quiet as last time they said something about his addiction, he ignored it completely.

It's embarrassing quite frankly. He avoids doing kids bedtime as as soon as it hits 5pm he starts drinking. Then he pours himself glass after glass of beer or wine. If we go to the pub to see friends hell have about 5 pints then carries on when we get back by himself for a few more hours.

Tomorrow is Christmas day and Im worried what state he will get in, as I know hell start drinking at noon (at the latest).

Hand hold please :)

The kids are oblivious to his behaviour as it is mostly once they're in bed.

You need to stop deluding yourself. Your children know exactly what's going on.

My parents and brother have offered that I can live with them when I return thankfully. I know that the only thing to give him a wake up call is a health scare or me leaving him. He has a prominent beer belly and skinny arms and legs. He also seems to have permanent piles. I only know this because he is getting through tubes of the cream. It was brought up at work through an internal complaint but it didn't go any further. I think are just keeping an eye on him waiting for more obvious signs that it is affecting his work. The problem is he is quite high functioning which means he is managing to continue drinking daily and to excess.

Tell yr parents you are taking them up on their offer. So whatever he does this xmas they will be able to detach from it knowing that it is not dragging you down anymore.

My .... xbf (dont feel right typing that) is very capable at work too. Despite lunch time drinking as well. Are piles a symptom of alcohol abuse? That strikes a chord.

Do you really need to wait 6months op?

I'm the child of an alcoholic and it's affected me for life. Christmas is a particular flash point. Your kids will know. If work are watching him it's widely known and he isn't as high functioning as you say. It's also progressive.

Stay safe but please see if you can leave earlier, for all of your sakes.

Op, I'm alcohol dependant. Without an ultimatum, or even with, he wont change.

He is “functioning” now. But with your most recent posts it sounds like he is on the cusp of “un-functioning”.

He is likely to lose his job and or be disciplined. He will find it v hard to get another job if he has been sacked. Most employers look out for this type of thing and liver function tests are a standard part of an employment medical. He might well
have run up debt or spent your savings.

His social network will deteriorate and his health will decline.

Are you all set up for living without his income? Will YOU need to financially support him?

He does sound like he is on the edge of non-functioning and his health sounds seriously impaired as well. My husband ended up like this - 8 months later he was dead. I would speed up your timetable for departure if it's at all possible.

They’ve offered you can live with them? So you don’t need to wait 6 months.
Your kids will know. They are affected.

My kids dad was an alcoholic we split when they were 7 and 2. He wasn’t a drinker then. He dudes aged 47 lay dead two weeks surrounded by bottles of empty booze before he was found. They knew he was an alcoholic as when they stayed at his he was always drinking. He drank to cure depression after his mum died and never stopped. He came to mine once and had fits because he hadn’t drank and would constantly shake.

@YouJustDoYou would you consider 5-7 pints per day an alcoholic?? He says no.

Omg Gutterton you have just summed up my childhood, Especially the bit about shame.

OP, I hope you can get your partner to deal with his drinking issues but if not, I hope you leave him sooner than it took my mum.

@Magpies2forJoy of course drinking 10-14 units a day EVERY day is a symptom of being an alcoholic.
Unfortunately some people refuse to see alcoholism as anything less than being physically addicted and needing half a bottle of vodka to start the day.
If drinking causes issues in relationships or you can’t go without it then there’s a problem.

Yes @wolfiefan, that is what I think too. I've been in a relationship with this guy for over a year and it's dawned on me gradually that he drinks every night and some days at lunch time too,. He makes a big deal about not drinking spirits, as though that is where the line between liking a drink and being an alcoholic is. I ended the relationship but he interprets it as me being controlling. I'm not. I'm able to go with the flow. I can change plans at the last minute. I trust people. I can delegate. I'm fairly certain that it's my interpretation that is closer to the truth but it is easier to let him believe that I am controlling and just give up on him. Which makes me sad because he's so clever and funny and he is an extraordinary person really who is making himself ordinary on purpose, or heading that way. OP sorry for hi-jacking the thread. I am in my late 40s with teens and I'm not interested in more than 1-3 drinks no more than twice a week. I think as a reaction to him, I have drunk less since becoming aware of the quantity he drinks. Anyway, he is free to do what he likes with nobody ''controlling'' him now. Not that I ever managed to persuade him to drink less so if I'm controlling, I wasn't very good at it!

Well DH Has really shown himself up. Christmas eve he had 5 cans of cider, plus a bottle of wine and I don't know what else. Christmas day he drank glass after glass of wine until by 4pm he was wobbly and talking nonsense. He carried on drinking by himself and crashed on the sofa by 730pm. He got up at one point and was looki g for something in the kitchen. When I asked him what he was looking for, he told me to stop being horrible. I have learnt from experience not to question him when hes drunk and talks nonsense. It just escalates. I have made a vow never to spend Christmas with him again.

Do you need to go back after Xmas ? Can you not just stay here ?

Your poor poor children to have to endure this disgusting performance on Christmas Day. But in reality this happens on all of their special days (as you said holidays) and no doubt there is a slightly watered down version most days.

It hasn’t been about them has it? The needs of the alcoholic were prioritised over their childhood Christmas.

These are their Christmas memories now - not just what they have seen physically but also their deeply embedded emotional memories - listen to the adults on this thread who had this life inflicted on their childhood.

You knew this would happen why did you facilitate it? Why inflict this on your parents as well. YOU are the only one holding the power here - as you well know he doesn’t change.

Why inflict another day of him on them? Show them that they are worth more than this, that they deserve far better. Kick him off out into a Travelodge and give your Children the Xmas they deserve.

Same sort of thing over here. He’s been drinking excessively for the last few days. Telling me he’s been trying his best - this includes showing up home drunk and stinking of it, drinking in the morning, and falling asleep on Christmas Eve before all the things that needed to be done we’re done, and realising that there are bottles of wine missing. I don’t have any good advice, I’m trying to come to terms with realising the life I thought I had crumbling, but I want you know you’re not alone

Thank you for your messages of support. The kids Christmas hasn't been ruined as they have lots of family around them and I take them out everyday for walks and fun outings. Mine has though and yes I have imposed him on my parents but they are understanding of the situation and focus on the children.

Is he an alchoholic or a heavy drinker. If he waits until 5pm he sounds like he has a drinking problem rather than being an alchoholic? If he's an alchoholic, hiding drink is pointless as he'll find a way round it, even to the extent of stealing some.
A support group is the first action, and good luck.

Jolonglegs AA don’t define alcoholism by what you drink, how you drink it, how much you drink, where you drink or when you drink it. They define alcoholism as any negative impact that the drinking has on the relationships of the drinker. In this case it seems clear that he has reached this criteria.

Also what’s your need to relegate the diagnosis to “problem drinker” from the OPs own classification of “alcoholic” - his behaviour is the same and the impact on his DW, ILs and DC (even though the OP continues to repeatedly deny this) is huge.

Minimising this issue just escalates it. Everyone is accommodating his addiction and inadvertently growing it and deepening the wounds of his children.

OP of course your DCs Xmas has been ruined - they deserve much better than this. They don’t deserve to be exposed to all of the shocking behaviours you have described above - they deserve a father that prioritises their finite childhood xmases - who is emotionally positively present and engaged with them. Anything less is not acceptable. It would be much better for them not to have to look at this spectacle.

I'm currently divorcing a man with alcohol problems exactly as you describe. I always say he is like an 18 year old at a free bar - drinks and drink and drinks. And then passes out (if I'm lucky). Like another poster said, social situations where there would be alcohol would make me nervous and I'd try to find ways to minimise how much he could drink but then I was being controlling so... we are now divorcing and in this whole process he still loves alcohol and smoking more than me and his children. The resentment and bitterness I feel about it is huge and makes me weep to even think about. Make an exit strategy and prepare for the accusations that it's in your head/all your fault and that you're controlling /toxic etc. He won't ever blame alcohol, he will blame you and that really stings so brace for it x

Londonsouth28 yes, you're completely right - that it is always my fault, I'm controlling, giving him a hard time etc. I could almost grin and bear it if he just admitted he drink too much and apologised for the states he gets in and not being there for the children. Once again it is me and my mum doing bedtime as he is drinking and watching the footy. We're off to see his family tomorrow and his mum is also aware of the situation and really supportive of me. The bad news is as it's a family catch up so there will be wine with dinner and then he will carry on until he gets so pissed he falls asleep. I just need to keep it together for 6 months. Then when we return to the UK (currently living in Asia) I will get my own place. He refuses to leave our apartment abroad at the moment and I can't physically force him out of the front door. And it would be very traumatic for the kids doing it that way.

@YouJustDoYou I hope you are getting help, you have already taken the first step, admitting you have a problem. Good luck.

Christmas day he drank glass after glass of wine until by 4pm he was wobbly and talking nonsense. He carried on drinking by himself and crashed on the sofa by 730pm.

So his alcoholism DOES affect the children and they DO see it.

You really need to stop being so passive and put the children first

Honestly the kids didn't notice as my parents have a big house and my brother is brilliant at playing with them. On Christmas day, he did a nerf gun battle all over the house then the kids played in their bedrooms with new toys. I managed to make sure that dh was nowhere near them whilst he was in such a state. I have tried not being passive and confronting the situation for years but it has zero impact on his drinking. It's not as easy to jump ship when you're living abroad without your family support network. Also our colleagues are our friends so it's a delicate situation. I want to stay respected in my job and if word gets out my husband is an alcoholic and our marriage is in tatters then it makes for a very awkward and difficult work/social situation. Hence why it might look like I'm being a passive doormat here in writing but I'm actually keeping as much normality going for the children as is possible for their wellbeing.