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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't listen in bed

99 replies

CHARLonodn90 · 23/12/2019 17:51

Been together a fair few months. But this one thing is starting to bother me more and more. He seems to be obsessed with, um, butt stuff! He constantly seems to be prodding the area when we have sex. I hate it and I keep telling him I don't like it but he doesn't seem to listen. He's always asking me for anal... I kept saying no but then I relented and explained that we would have to do it in a position when it wouldn't hurt so much (as a compromise!) but he wasn't happy with that and said he wants to it in a doggy style position. I explained that doing it in that position would hurt like hell and he said it wouldn't and to trust him. How the hell does he know what anal feels like from different positions?! He hasn't done it, lol. I'm wondering if it's jut a case of boys will be boys or should I be concerned? I'm reaching the end of my tether and its getting to the point when we're having sex and he reaches for the area that I have to shout "stop it" It's just starting to make me feel violated.

OP posts:

Lulufluff · 23/12/2019 21:42

Wtf!! This screams red flag.
He should respect your wishes and stay well clear of the area!
Sex should be fun and not a constant worry of trying to keep him away from your bottom!
Cheeky sod.
He isn’t respecting you at all...

pallisers · 23/12/2019 21:50

Leave him before he rapes you anally and tells you it was an accident. that is what is going to happen.

Boys will be boys gives me the rage.

Beansandcoffee · 23/12/2019 22:02

Leave him. He is trying to normalise something that you don’t want. He will “accidentally slip it in” which is rape. I blame porn for this. I started online dating in my early 50s. I dated men my age or older. Most were obsessed with it. Yet 30 years ago no one mentioned it to me when dating as a teenage.

CalleighDoodle · 23/12/2019 22:06

Oh honey you've invested many months on this guy and probably feel you can put up with this one thing. But this one thing should not be compromised on at all. And lets face it, it probably isn't this one thing at all.

Please dont ignore the appalling lack of respect he has for you. Please leave him.

breakfastpizza · 23/12/2019 22:18

Not normal at all. He doesn't respect you. Get out before it escalates.

anothermamaa · 23/12/2019 22:29

OP...blindingly massive RED FLAG. This is 100% sexual assault. Please please don't put up with this disgusting behaviour and find someone who respects you.

Whathewhatnow · 23/12/2019 22:32

He keeps on with this shit and you aren't outraged?? Ugh.
Anyone who does not care about your feelings in bed will not care about your feelings the other 23 hours of the day.
I have been with some absolute shits in my time but even they would not have done this.
Bodily autonomy is really important. I used to get absolutely incensed when my ex kept kind of lying on me when we were cuddling in bed and I'd told him to please not do that because it hurt my hip... and yet the dead weight leg would reappear 5 minutes later. It just did not compute because it was all about what felt good to him. It was one of the tiny things that did for us. No joke. Never mind sexual discomfort!

Aminuts23 · 23/12/2019 22:32

This man is likely to anally rape you at some point when he thinks he can get away with it. I’m absolutely furious with him on your behalf. Your body belongs to you. You’ve told him you don’t want it and he’s still trying. He’s a disgusting, dangerous, vile, horrible piece of work. You are worth more than this.
There are some sad stories from some very brave people on this thread. Read them and really try to digest their experiences. They’re sharing them to try to help you

Cacklingmags · 23/12/2019 23:00

This one is a wanker and trying to dominate you. Kick him to the kerb before he hurts you.

dontgobaconmyheart · 23/12/2019 23:07

Weighing in in case the above is not sufficient OP but WTF. He is sexually assaulting you and at best hoops to coerce you into it (still rape). He's vile and what could anyone see in him? Men telling women that they know better than then what they want in bed? How vomit inducing.

No no no no no OP. He sees you as an object. Give yourself the best xmas gift possible and shaft him.

Dappledsunlight · 23/12/2019 23:09

Not sure why you need to ask. Isn't it plain as day that he is an "arse" himself, 'scuse the pun.
Take some time to reflect on exactly what you are allowing him to do and find someone caring and considerate. Honestly....maybe he's gay.

Topseyt · 23/12/2019 23:31

Dump him. He is a twat. He may well rape you at some point.

Voice0fReason · 23/12/2019 23:36

He is listening but he is choosing to ignore what you are saying.
He is only interested in what he wants and he doesn't care whether you like it, hate it or it hurts you.
This won't be the only thing he doesn't care about when it comes to your relationship. It says everything about what he actually thinks of you.

FruitcakeOfHate · 23/12/2019 23:46

Most were obsessed with it.

With perpetrating it on women, however unwilling, never on themselves or to and with other men. It's entirely the product of porn usage. Porn has mostly ruined sex for women and generated a belief among some heavy users that anal rape is not only acceptable but also desirable and that sex is not about mutual pleasure but humiliation, control and domination of women, hence the need to inflict anal sex on women who don't want it and in positions that are painful to her . Her feelings don't matter, because she is holes, not a person.

Mom2K · 24/12/2019 00:59

He's a disgusting creep. Tell him you want to try anal on him first with a dildo doggy style and he can then be the judge of how enjoyable or painless it is. Then dump.

Beansandcoffee · 24/12/2019 12:29

An ex of mine wanted anal. I said no not my thing. He kept on - until I said ok we try it on you first to see what it is like. He nearly choked with shock as no way was that happening to him as it is a gay act??? . Yet ok to be done to me?????? Dumped. Bloody porn.

Treacletoots · 24/12/2019 12:58

Another voting that OP gets herself a nice big strap on for Christmas and keeps it by the bed in case of any more requests for anal

My response would be, it's not for me, I don't want anal, but of course I'll peg you, since you've asked, let me just get my strap on out.

Incidentally I've had partners in the past who loved being pegged but the ones that have said no thanks, I've respected that., like a decent non rapey human being.

He will rape you. He doesn't respect your boundaries or even like you that much if he doesn't care about causing you pain. I wouldn't be able to have a drink again for fear he would use this as a plot to take advantage. Please listen to the advice above before this goes very horribly wrong.

EveWasShamed · 24/12/2019 13:04

I would genuinely do as posters have suggested and tell him you’ll do it if he takes a strap on first. Then dump him when he declines of course.

category12 · 24/12/2019 13:19

The thing is, it's not the same for a guy - he's actually more likely to get pleasure out of it because of the prostate.

Interestedwoman · 24/12/2019 13:26

@category12 - yes, that's a good point. My lover is obsessed with anything prostate-y.

Feelinggoodashell · 24/12/2019 15:06

I don’t think the point here is whether anal is enjoyable or not for women or men but more that he’s not respecting her or listening to her. He cares more about what he wants and that always takes priority to him.
I know plenty of my girlfriends who enjoy anal but it’s only ever going to be enjoyable with a partner you can trust who respects your boundaries. It isn’t something you can do unless those things exist as you need to be able to say if it hurts and for them to stop. This guy is not that person

category12 · 24/12/2019 15:15

Of course it's about boundaries, but it was a response to all these people suggesting offering to peg him instead, as if that'll really stop him in his tracks. The sensible thing to do with a man like this is dump him fast and dump him hard.

Feelinggoodashell · 24/12/2019 15:40

I agree!

peardrops1 · 24/12/2019 15:46

FUCKING HELL! DUMP HIM.

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