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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't listen in bed

99 replies

CHARLonodn90 · 23/12/2019 17:51

Been together a fair few months. But this one thing is starting to bother me more and more. He seems to be obsessed with, um, butt stuff! He constantly seems to be prodding the area when we have sex. I hate it and I keep telling him I don't like it but he doesn't seem to listen. He's always asking me for anal... I kept saying no but then I relented and explained that we would have to do it in a position when it wouldn't hurt so much (as a compromise!) but he wasn't happy with that and said he wants to it in a doggy style position. I explained that doing it in that position would hurt like hell and he said it wouldn't and to trust him. How the hell does he know what anal feels like from different positions?! He hasn't done it, lol. I'm wondering if it's jut a case of boys will be boys or should I be concerned? I'm reaching the end of my tether and its getting to the point when we're having sex and he reaches for the area that I have to shout "stop it" It's just starting to make me feel violated.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 23/12/2019 19:20

Sex pest. My boyfriend hinted once, I said no and that was that.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/12/2019 19:26

Time to bin the rapey shitbag.

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 19:35

' I'm wondering if it's jut a case of boys will be boys '

No, you should be able to relax during sex and not be constantly trying to fend him off from doing stuff you've already said you don't want.

As to saying you'll 'peg' him first as PPs have suggested- I have a lover who loves being pegged. I'm quite happy to do it to him. It still doesn't mean it's ok for him to do it to me, as I don't like it.

MissChanandalaBong · 23/12/2019 19:41

My ex was like this. He had become obsessed with anal porn and seemed to think it was the default way to have sex- the first time we had sex he tried to have anal sex with me with no discussion or warning beforehand. In hindsight I should have dumped him there and then but I didn't unfortunately (and put up with various abuses over the next 5 years). He tried to wear me down and tried his luck every time we had sex and when that didn't get him anywhere, on nights out, he started spiking my drinks with extra shots of vodka in a bid to get me so drunk I'd pass out and he could do what he wanted to me. At the very end of my relationship he raped me and caused me damage which left me bleeding and in pain for weeks afterwards.

My dh, on the other hand, tried touching me there once in the early days of our relationship. I told him I didn't like it, and in 15 years he's never once brought up anal sex or tried to touch me there again. That's the difference between someone who respects your boundaries and someone who doesn't. The guy you are seeing doesn't respect you and thinks your boundaries are there to be broken down. Dump him.

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 19:49

@MissChanandalaBong so sorry to hear you went through that.:( xxx

@CHARLonodn90 I agree with the PP's who say it'll end in (maybe pretend accidental- otherwise clearly deliberate) anal rape. It happened to me with an ex. He even joked at a later date about blokes pretending to 'accidentally' do it.

mamato3lads · 23/12/2019 19:52

Firstly it DOES hurt so dont listen to him

Men seem to have an obsession with this....think it's due to porn. My DH used to pester but once we actually did it, he never bothered me again saying he didn't want to "ruin me" Hmm

billy1966 · 23/12/2019 20:00

He's utter scum OP.

And dangerous.

I wouldn't trust him.

Protect yourself.

💐

Icanflyhigh · 23/12/2019 20:03

Eurgh, fuck that.

Some guys are totally obsessed with it, mind so are some women.
Its fucking horrible.

If you've told him no, stand by that and tell him to fuck right off with his cock prodding round your butt! Either that or just fart on it!

Feelinggoodashell · 23/12/2019 20:04

Oh my god. Reading this post and comments has made me so sad and angry. Wtf is wrong with these men where they think they can do whatever the fuck they want??
Please come back op and tell us that you’ve dumped the absolute waste of space.
If you wanted to try anal I wouldn’t trust this man to go slowly and listen to you if it hurt which is what you need in any sex - for him to realise you are a human being who has a right to say no!!!’

Argggg!!!

Can you please send him this when you dump him. He needs it.

Sorry. I’m so mad!

Boyfriend doesn't listen in bed
Closetbeanmuncher · 23/12/2019 20:22

"boys will be boys"

What the fuck does that even mean and when are women going to make their expectations higher and stop buying into this shite???

Don't do anything you don't want to do in bed OP. Anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries is not fit to be in a relationship with.

CodenameVillanelle · 23/12/2019 20:23

He's sexually abusing you. Please dump the dick.

madcatladyforever · 23/12/2019 20:25

He watches too much porn obviously.
No means no and if he doesn't listen to you then dump him.
You deserve better.

mathanxiety · 23/12/2019 20:31

Get rid of him.

He has no interest in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

You are a mere collection of handy, warm orifices for him. He has no respect for you as a human being.

Tell him to buy himself an inflatable sex toy. He's not ready for a real human being.

Arnoldthecat · 23/12/2019 20:37

It never ceases to amaze me what some women put up with. Bin him off...

FruitcakeOfHate · 23/12/2019 20:39

Men seem to have an obsession with this....think it's due to porn.

Some men are, those who use porn and have no respect for a partner who doesn't want it. Anyone who pesters should be dumped because that is coercive behaviour. Coercive behaviour is now considered domestic violence and domestic violence is a crime.

I had a lover who also enjoyed being pegged. He was bisexual as well. He never once pestered me for anal sex or any sexual practice that I declined because he wasn't a rapey shitbag.

whonoes · 23/12/2019 20:39

He’s gross. No partner has ever done that to me. Don’t tolerate it! Bin the sex pest

mathanxiety · 23/12/2019 20:44

And sorry, but the fact that he persists in trying to wear you down and do things you have been clear you don't want shows that he is seeking more than just sexual satisfaction here.

He is trying to dominate you - he wants the emotional and psychological thrill of breaking down your boundaries, turning your no into oh ok, and after that, seeing you in pain (because the thrill of breaking down barriers only lasts until you give in - after that he will need more ways of achieving domination and your humiliation).

DowntonCrabby · 23/12/2019 20:44

Just so you know, for all future relationships (as clearly you’ll be moving on from this one) as well as for potential Motherhood “boys will be boys” IS NOT A THING

Feelinggoodashell · 23/12/2019 20:48

This is a man who cares more about what he wants than what you want. It will not just be about sex. He is not a good partner. Break up with him. He doesn’t even deserve a face to face break up. He is a terrible human.
It doesn’t matter if anal hurts or doesn’t hurt. You don’t want to try it and that should be enough.

Feelinggoodashell · 23/12/2019 20:49

And yes / boys will be boys is not a thing. And the more it’s said in that way the more we let men off. We need to hold men to higher account. Why do we expect so little of them. It’s not ok!! Can you I ever ever imagine doing something to him which you know would hurt if he wasn’t prepared for it and just doing it even though he said not to. Of course not!

MitziK · 23/12/2019 20:53

Should you be concerned?

Of course you should. He's psyching himself up for, at best, coercive sex and, more likely, an act of rape.

And it would 'be an accident' when it happens.

Get rid of him now. For your own safety.

LasthingIlldo · 23/12/2019 21:00

Boys will be boys is bullish!t
Men who refuse to respect their partners boundaries :no! Stop! are arseholes
This man is pushing your boundaries so so far as to erode them to suit his wants. You are a object to him now an object for anal.
One no or one stop is sufficient amount to state a boundary and anyone who tries again doesn't deserve to be in a relationship any further. As it is no longer a functional relationship it's a controlling coercive shit of a man!!

FruitcakeOfHate · 23/12/2019 21:22

I saw an episode of '48 Hours in Police Custody' in which a man did the accidental anal rape ploy. He was prosecuted. Now he's got the criminal record he deserves and is on the sex offenders register because he's a rapist.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 21:39

Dump him before he rapes you

tisamadworld · 23/12/2019 21:40

Get a strap on comparable to his own size and penetrate him anally like he wants to do to you. Then and only then can he do the same if you want.

But seriously big red flags here. You can do better. You deserve better.