hideous crush on younger man

[heartsickidiot]

I think I may have lost my mind. Please don't tell me what I know, that Im an idiot, even mentally unbalance because I have fallen head over heels for a man 12 years younger than me. I am afraid to tell you my age except to say early 60's - yes I know it's almost pathetic - or maybe it is pathetic.
I think he likes me but I can't figure it out.

Here's more unfortunate detail, I'm married, he's married(though he's not happy) and when we meet my husband is always there. This man usually won't even look at me except for a friendly hello, it's seems he'd do anything but look in my direction, but when he does, he locks eyes with me and when we say goodbye, I've caught him checking me out and though he ignores me, if I get up to go somewhere he often aske if I'm leaving - even though I had thought he hadn't even noticed I was there. He's gorgeous, I'm hideously old by comparison (but I'm slim, dress well and look for younger than my age). Also, I certainly attract men of my own age.
What am I to do to get over this crush? I tried to stop meeting him but it's driving me crazy as all I think about is him. And when I stopped turning up, he asked where I was and seemed put out.
About 20 years ago I did have a short affair with a man 8 years younger. Am I just reliving these feelings. I swear I didn't try to like this man but every time he speaks or laughs, my heart skips.
I know I'm an idiot.
Ok, please tell me how to stop this idiocy.

I don't understand this thread at all. Especially that she shouldnt have a crush at 61. People do start relationships older than this, and enjoy sex just as much as pre menopausal women.
I have a friend who is 8n her 50s, looks much younger, is slim and extremely attractive, and gets a lot of attention from younger men. She passes up most of it, but has dated a man of 39. This was met with many spiteful comments about her age and how is t she menopausal by now and should just seek out men who are her own age. All these things were said by other women. Her male friends made no comment at all.
And 12 years is barely any age gap, it's not a different generation and the OP obviously has enough in common with this man to want to spend time in each other's company.
The only problem is that they are married
It's not the age difference

JustASmallTownCurl

People change their opinions and convictions all the time, and it doesn’t even take ages.
For example - many/most younger people often think cheating would be a deal breaker for them. But most married people who discover affairs tend to stay.

So - I am not projecting anything on you age related. Just merely saying that you don’t know how your life will turn out and how you will feel at some later point if time.

@heartsickidiot sorry if I wasn't clear - my message meant you shouldn't tell him if you aren't going to act on him but you should tell him if you are. I said the following:

I agree don't tell him if nothing happens. Obviously.

I'm talking about if you act on it or are serious about acting on it.

Oh wait I reread and you just said you wouldn't tell him if you did have a fling. So I don't agree with that at all. IMO that's awful but each to their own.

Each to their own @MMmomDD but I think it's naive to think most people wouldn't be gutted that their partner had shagged someone else behind their back, at any age. None of us know how we feel in future. Both of us included. You think it wouldn't be a deal breaker for you, that's as valid for me thinking it would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want to stay with a liar who had so little respect for me and did something so huge without telling me so I could make an informed decision. Everyone is different. My issue isn't with open relationships, it's with dishonesty and lies. Fair enough if you think differently.

JustASmallTownCurl
I in no way wish to dismiss your heart felt opinion. but let me say if my husband had an affair, it ended, because he realised he wanted to be with me, loved me, etc. I feel (I can't say it for sure) that I wouldn't want to know as I would then have to deal with all the deceipt, lies and 'fucking of someone else' - and what good would it do.
He would still have done it
He would still have finished the relationship/friends with benefits, whatever.
I would know he was a liar
I would feel I had to do something about it, like order him out
I would also feel every possible emotion that goes with that
I appreciate from what you've said previously that that happened to you and it's a terrible situation. I'm sure the hurt still runs deep.
I often think 'confession' in a relationship more for the one who strayed than for the innocent party(so to speak). Its guilt - or even sometimes boasting. If the person is a real pig.
Don't think I don't appreciate all you've said to me, I do, I simply do feel the above things.

I totally agree but that is the point I'm making!! The point if (like you) you are actively attracted to someone in real life to the point that you want to shag them regardless then you should tell your partner / leave them before you cheat. Not try it out and then decide not to tell them to spare their feelings.

I agree confession is selfish. And cowardly. That's why i would prefer my partner to be upfront about feeling unfulfilled enough to be so enamoured with someone else, as you have described being. So I could decide whether to stay or go knowing that.

Not wait for them to give it a go and decide after a shag if they fancy leaving me or not.

Thanks everyone for your input.
I have to sign out now as I have to go to bed. Still doing a night shift thing and I think im in a different time zone to everyone else here.
I'll log on again tomorrow.
Have a wonderful day tomorrow everyone.

And to be honest I'm not still that hurt from it, I just have better boundaries and won't be treated like shit again. I know many people who have been cheated on, not just myself and I wasn't married / coparenting etc so it was much less complicated for me than others.

I'm not speaking as some unhinged damaged woman, I'm simply speaking as a decent human being who believes relationships are between equal adults who deserve transparency when it comes to decisions that would damage one another's confidence and stability.

I don't think it's that much to ask to be honest. We aren't going to agree on it by the sounds of it and that's fine. Just sharing my opinion.

I take your point.
I hadn't looked at it from that point of view - like trying out a new dress at a party and deciding to bring it back to the shop. (Terrible analogy).
You're an incredibly straight and honest person. I hope your DH or partner appreciates that too. I'm sure you chose wisely with him.

Thank you. And I'm fucked up in a lot of other ways, everyone is.

You just sound like a fundamentally good and self aware person so it would be sad if you did something you might regret, you know?

Hopefully it came across that I was being honest and not nasty, it's hard when one party just can't understand the others POV and I know that works both ways.

I do hope you have a lovely Christmas regardless

Ps I was talking to my other half about this and he laughed out loud at you calling me incredibly straight because I'm bi I promise I'm not super serious all the time!

Thanks JustASmallTownCurl
Nothing you say would bother me. I know it comes from a thoughtful place and as I said, I appreciate it.
Life's a long road and we're all fucked up. (I can't make the emoji thing work so insert a Christmas Tree here and a smiley face).
xx

JustASmallTownCurl
Here's a good joke doing the rounds.
A weather girl announces on TV it is going to snow tonight and she says..
'Im expecting 8 inches tonight'.
The guy watching replies, 'What? With that face?'.........

@heartsickidiot

That sounds like a VERY merry Christmas indeed 🎄

If you want to fuck someone else, then man up and take the consequences and keep it to yourself, that's just my opinion.
Torture wouldn't get it out of me!

You are naive to think that just because you don't tell, it won't get out.

Your buddy may very well decide to tell his wife or someone else, and your buddy or wife or other person may decide to tell your husband or employer or blast it on social media. Once it is out of the bottle, you cannot put it back in.

That is what is meant by owning it. Not that you can keep it a secret but you take the consequences if it gets out. Good luck.

I've come a bit more down to earth since I last posted but there is now a terrible sadness in my heart. I won't ever act on my feelings, I know that but I also know it's going to take a lot of time to put this behind me. It would be much better if I never saw him again, but that's not possible, I can cut down on meeting up but what good would that be?
Life can be so hard (and I know you're all thinking - for my poor husband too!). I know this man is terribly unhappy in his marriage, most of this through another friend of his and all I would like to do would be for the two of us to take maybe a couple of 'time outs' just for us. In my mind it's almost like going to a Spa. I know that's pretty amoral - as someone here has pointed out to me. I can't stop it going around my head - not yet anyway. It's an ache. I do know him very well so the advice to think of him sharting after his dinner or the toilet paper stuck to his ass, etc. doesn't really work for me as I'm not trying to see him as an idol - just a lonely man and me, a lonely older woman, taking something for just us.
Anyway, I wanted to share this with you guys, who have been so kind as to offer me really good and thoughtful advice. And I wanted you all to know that I have been as loving and kind and thoughtful to my DH over the Christmas holidays as possible.
Maybe some of you might bookmark my site as I will in a few more weeks, log on and give you an update. That is if you're interested.
Meantime a very happy New Year to all of you.
If anyone has a private messaging facility and wants to keep in touch, you can tell me how that works. Thanks

Serious question, are you on any medication for anything?
Side effects can cause this sort of obsessive behaviour.

This is a fantasy relationship. It's. In. Your. Head. I highly doubt he has ANY interest in you. Very few men his age are interested in 60 year old women unless it's laid out on a platter for them which you're clearly thinking of doing. If you do that your behaviour would br incredibly distasteful imo not to mention disrespectful to your husband of 40 years. If he didn't laugh in your face he'd likely use you and drop you like a rock. It's Gross. Go get a hobby

Wow, some savage comments..
If OP is early 60s, the guy must be 50 or thereabout. Hardly young..
I find some women in 60s sexy ffs.. and I am way way younger than 50.
Anyway, it will be hard OP, and it will take you some time to get over him. But you will eventually get over him and move on and even be happy one day. You just need to look after yourself, be kind to yourself and remember that you are a fabulous woman. This will pass.

KirstyHasLeft
Thank you so much for treating me like a human being with feelings.
I have no illusions - not any more anyway. I'll wait it out.

girlygirl98
If he didn't laugh in your face he'd likely use you and drop you like a rock. It's Gross. Go get a hobby

Ouch! No need to cut my balls off-so to speak- Remember one day you will be in your early 60s and will still want to be treated like a 'person'....

By the way, he is nearly 52 years old - not a boy.....

@heartsickidiot Ignore the ageists, they’ll have a shock one day...

Thanks SoTiredTonight.
I came across this song today (age alert here) 'I know him so well'.
I hope this link works.

I never understood this song until now. My God Elaine Paige has some voice! I think it says everything I can't.
Touching from him today. And a lot of laughing at my jokes. I found it confusing but I'm calmer now and realise it just means he likes me .

Hi everyone. Its been a while since I posted and I just wanted to update all you kind members who replied to this topic.
I never did approach my crush to tell him how I felt and I'm glad now. Time has passed and he has not approached me or tried to initiate any closer contact. I'm still getting a lot of mixed messages from him but I don't care about that any more. I don't know what would have happened if I had put my cards on how I felt on the table, but that's just the way it is. Things would certainly have changed between us, in what way I don't know and never will now.
Sometimes I do feel sad that he hadn't the courage to do something about the feelings I know he had but the window has closed on that. I guess I will never know either, if I was just being played because he simply likes the way I make him feel when he's around me and I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway. It was all so confusing for me because of my age. Without seeming mean, I hope this happens to him when he's my age - then maybe he will understand what he did to me. As I said here before, I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a little time just for us. But that's life - and love. A faint heart never won anything or anyone. I wish I could have done it for him but I did that once before about 20 years ago, as I mentioned here before and I would never do it again. A woman can't do a mans work for him (no offence to anyone) and I learned that I prefer when a man pursues me. It's the only way I can relax with him.

He talks sometimes about his unhappiness in his marriage. I know he doesn't go looking for anyone else but he had it right in front of him but didn't want to see it. Sometimes when he looks at me, it's so intense but I no longer try to figure it out, I just let it go past.
I'm becoming more philosophical about things and I know what's for you won't go by you - and this did, so that's that.
I still have a lot of fun when we meet up as a group and a lot of laughs and he does too.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me advice, most of it really sound. I hope this never happens to anyone else here at my age (early 60s) it's so f...ing confusing. It has taken it's toll on me with sleepless nights and dashed hopes and it has taken a long time to begin to come back to my normal self and not feel my stomach turning over when I see him.

But it's getting easier. I feel it every day. Thanks again,