hideous crush on younger man

[heartsickidiot]

I think I may have lost my mind. Please don't tell me what I know, that Im an idiot, even mentally unbalance because I have fallen head over heels for a man 12 years younger than me. I am afraid to tell you my age except to say early 60's - yes I know it's almost pathetic - or maybe it is pathetic.
I think he likes me but I can't figure it out.

Here's more unfortunate detail, I'm married, he's married(though he's not happy) and when we meet my husband is always there. This man usually won't even look at me except for a friendly hello, it's seems he'd do anything but look in my direction, but when he does, he locks eyes with me and when we say goodbye, I've caught him checking me out and though he ignores me, if I get up to go somewhere he often aske if I'm leaving - even though I had thought he hadn't even noticed I was there. He's gorgeous, I'm hideously old by comparison (but I'm slim, dress well and look for younger than my age). Also, I certainly attract men of my own age.
What am I to do to get over this crush? I tried to stop meeting him but it's driving me crazy as all I think about is him. And when I stopped turning up, he asked where I was and seemed put out.
About 20 years ago I did have a short affair with a man 8 years younger. Am I just reliving these feelings. I swear I didn't try to like this man but every time he speaks or laughs, my heart skips.
I know I'm an idiot.
Ok, please tell me how to stop this idiocy.

My God you're so right. And I haven't even considered my own farting -which happens so often as I fall asleep. I'd have to stick a cork in there and be in danger of exploding. And what if I did it during sex and the cork flew out and took out his eye?
I'm not making fun, just trying to wake myself up

hahaha! You have a great sense of humour OP! You'll be fine- we all have moments of madness and just because you're in your 60s doesnt mean you can't have fantasises on occasion. But I think deep down we know when a fantasy gets out of control and starts to take us over which is what is happening here. Just keep remembering that his reality will never match up to your fantasy.

Anyone on here go has been with just one man all their lives and have had all of their needs (emotional, companionship, friendship, partnership, etc) met by just one perfect man and was totally satisfied with that - can throw a stone at the OP.

Everybody else, me included, probably have no idea of what it feels like.
Most relationships that start in the 20s don’t survive. And for a good reason. They are early trial relationships.

There is no doubt that OP loves her H. And also that over time she also has had needs that her H can’t meet. And same for her being probably not able to meet all his needs. Just because she also wants to feel a little bit of excitement coming from another man - doesn’t mean that she somehow needs to turn everything upside down in her life.
And as she said she wouldn’t mind if her H did that too - he most likely is in the same boat. It’s probably the only way such a long relationship can survive

beautifulstranger101
I will work on it......thanks

@MMmomDD

I'm not even denying what you're saying but none of that is fair if the other half is in the dark about it surely? That's the bit I have an issue with and the part that shatters the other person's confidence and self image if it's acted on.

I think this crush is a symptom of your unhappiness in your marriage. You don’t know this bloke. You only see him with your dh, you barely talk, he doesn’t look at you....why on earth do you think he might like you?

If you asked him out, he’s likely to say no, tell his mate who may well tell your dh. You’re playing with fire.

Who asked if I was menopausal?.
Of course I am. Left that flogged dead old horse way back down the road. Joy!

But I'm still a woman....

You have had 60 years (pre- and post-menopause) to get these crushes out of your system. Why now?

I find it interesting it is happening so late in the day.

Of course you are a woman despite menopause. I am one too. This insanity tends to be hormonally-driven which is why I am wondering why now for you? When was your last crush.

Apologies if I cannot indulge your behaviour.

@JustASmallTownCurl

The shattering of confidence that you are talking about is likely a projection of how you felt when that happened to you. When we are young and dating to pair up and be ‘picked’ for life partner - cheating, etc - does hurt that much especially because it means that somehow we aren’t good enough to be that life partner to another person...:

It’s not the same in later age. Doesn’t have to be anyway. I know a few people who - after a long marriage (not as long as OP’s) opened up their marriages. And they don’t have those issues of confidence or jealousy because they are committed and secure that their partner loves them. And whatever happens outside of that is just sprinkling on the cake, for the lack of better analogy.

OP has proven her loyalty to her H by staying and weathering the long long life. It’s great she still has come spark in her and listening to her desires. So many women don’t and give up on themselves.

Don't worry about indulging my behaviour Blueshoes. I can barely indulge it myself.
If you read back, you'll find out when my last crush was, about 20 years ago. Not sure why that's relevant to you?

I still have hormones. I'm not a robot.

@MMmomDD

I hugely disagree but respect your opinion, everyone's experience is different.

Even the OP has said she wouldn't want to know if her husband had an affair.

Everyone is unique as I say but I know many people 50+ who have been devastated by their partner of 20/25/30 years cheating.

It's the deception that does damage. I don't understand how people think it's fair on their partner to not tell them they want an open relationship.

I think it's totally fine if both parties are happy with it, obviously, but I would wager that the reason most people do it without telling their partner is surely because they don't think their partner would be happy with it?

Its a bit patronising tbh to say that it's because of my age. It's the dishonesty. Yes people opening up their marriage and being ok with it is absolutely fine. But only if both partners know about it surely?

My mum had a similar crush when she was in her 60s. Totally obsessed by a married man who did initially encourage it. Lots of fairly explicit emails, etc. He was married and so was my mum.

Mum begged him to leave his wife, he promised he would. And of course he didn’t. By then my dad found out as he put key logging software on the computer due to suspicions and read all the emails. She was like a teenager, it was embarrassing. She printed all the emails off and asked me to have them for safekeeping so she could come round here and read them whenever she wanted.

Married bloke dropped her like a hot potato. Dad divorced her. She’s fairly miserable now.

Thanks MMmomDD. You're a kind person (not saying others are not)
I've often felt like giving up but I'm not made like that. I do have a strong personality, that's why I have to stop myself from asking this guy to, excuse me for saying this, 'shit or get off the pot'. But I'm not going to now. I know it - or at least I'm pretty certain of it.
I'm wondering if its a will power thing also.? Never been strong on that. Always wanted that extra slice of cake.

But OP you're totally within your rights to want more, to want passion, to want excitement.

It just isn't fair to indulge those wants behind your husbands back without knowing if he would be ok with it or not.

And because you aren't letting him know it sounds like you know he wouldn't be ok with it.

Honestly I understand feeling frustrated after such a long time with one man, I really do, but it's the lying and doing it without his knowledge that is cruel surely?

I hope I haven't sounded too cruel or immature, you sound like a fundamentally kind person who is struggling with something. I've just been honest.

Sometimes I think it’s ok and nice to have a bit of a fantasy....as long as that’s where it stays. It’s when you act on it when you’re not in a position to that the problem is.

Would you consider leaving your dh now? So clean break and then a few months down the line consider asking the other guy out? Because unless you’re prepared to take that risk it’s not fair on your husband. Is your marriage that bad that you’d rather finish it and be single? If so, then do that. If it’s not that bad then don’t have affairs.

*But OP you're totally within your rights to want more, to want passion, to want excitement.

It just isn't fair to indulge those wants behind your husbands back without knowing if he would be ok with it or not*

This exactly. Sometimes a crush is just a crush, but if it happens often I do wonder if its a sign that your marriage just isn't satisfying you. Of course, the grass is always greener and I know from friends' experiences that being single and on the dating scene after age 45 is not great (heck- its not exactly a walk in the park under 45!).
Definitely something to think about because I dont think its fair to just spring "opening up your marriage" on someone who has never, ever expressed any desire to do this. I'd be livid if my H ever suggested this to me for example because he knows thats not what I signed up for.

She was like a teenager, it was embarrassing.

I am afraid this is what it sounds like to me. As for the object of your desire, I am not sure he even has a clue. You should think of your dignity as well as your dh of many years.

JustASmallTownCurl and MMmomDD
I see clearly both your points of view. And I understand the unfairness of deception.
The answer is No, my husband would not be okay with an open marriage. But I don't want that either - he'd get more dates than me -that's a bit of humour.
I just got a crush. Not on every man I see but fir the first time in 20 years. I haven't slept with this man - except in my head and the last time I looked the 'head police' couldn't put you in jail for that. I came on here for advice and I'm getting just that, and appreciate it. I know its not nice that I admitted I would act on these thoughts if asked but I'm being truthful as I want all your opinions. And I would never want my husband to find out - if it could help it. Not for my sake, but for his as I am not cruel.

@ JustASmallTownCurl

It’s not patronising to point out that people of different ages can have different points of view. And that younger people tend to think that the way they see things won’t change with time.
Some younger people seem to also be surprised that women after menopause have desires and emotions. 😂😊😂

However - back to people with discovered affairs up to the age 50 - in that age people still often want to leave their marriages and re-start their lives before it’s too late.
In my observation - that changes after 60 - where OP is. As she said - before she might have left but now she doesn’t want to change her life.

As to her saying that she’d not like to know if her H played around - the key thing is that she said she won’t mind if he did. Most people aren’t built to easily deal with jealousy - so don’t ask, don’t tell is the easiest way to go.
It also may be generational. And it would be curious to see how the relationships of the current Tinder generation evolve over time.

I didn't mention menopause.

I have said explicitly that I totally understand she wants passion, so no need to laugh about that?

I think OP has appreciated I've been honest while being understanding of her feelings.

I'm not doubting people may want to look outside their marriage, I'm saying both parties should know if one of them is.

Don't ask don't tell is not fair if you know for a fact one partner wouldn't want to remain in the relationship if they knew the truth.

I absolutely think my point of view will change throughout the years. That doesn't mean my expectation of transparency in a relationship will.

The "don't tell" partner cant insist their other half plays a "don't ask" role.

That's not an age thing it's a respect thing.

She knows her partner wouldn't agree to an open relationship. Do you think it's ok to therefore have one without his knowledge?

She didn't say she'd be happy with him having one. She said he could but she wouldn't want to know.

You're projecting your opinions onto me by assuming mine are due to my age. They aren't.

I don't at all think everyone should be monogamous. It doesn't work for everyone.

I do, however, think it is only right that if someone doesn't want to be monogamous they tell their partner so they can make an informed decision.

I can't see a reasoned argument against that other than "I won't tell them because they'd say no but I want to do it."

ASmallTownCurl
I can't see a reasoned argument against that other than "I won't tell them because they'd say no but I want to do it."

Yes, I think you may be right there. But there is also the fact that I haven't done anything yet - I may never - and why would I cause an uproar over something in my head. If I fell in love and knew the guy did too, then I would tell - but if we only fooled around some, why would I hurt my husband by telling him? That would be to ease my guilt, which in my opinion is more selfishness. If you want to fuck someone else, then man up and take the consequences and keep it to yourself, that's just my opinion.
Torture wouldn't get it out of me!

Eh?

If I fell in love and knew the guy did too, then I would tell - but if we only fooled around some, why would I hurt my husband by telling him? That would be to ease my guilt, which in my opinion is more selfishness. If you want to fuck someone else, then man up and take the consequences and keep it to yourself, that's just my opinion.

Man up and leave him before you shag someone else on a casual basis.

Or man up and don't shag someone else on a casual basis.

I don't get it, I really don't get the whole not telling them because they'll be upset thing.

If you want to do something that will upset them, either tell them and they can make an informed choice or leave yourself so you can do things that would have upset them in the relationship but know you are ok to do them because you aren't in the relationship anymore.

I agree don't tell him if nothing happens. Obviously.

I'm talking about if you act on it or are serious about acting on it.

JustASmallTownCurl.
No. I no longer intend to act on it. But I can't wipe it out of my head, just like that. it will take time and I intend to work on it.
But I can't agree with you that I should tell my husband what goes on in my head, even if I had fling. I would never jeopradize either my marriage or this guys marriage for fun that couldn't last. I'm not totally delusional, I know it 99.9999% couldn't last. One I'm too old for living in a dingy apartment on my own and two, that would be the guy's business what he did about his wife. But my guess is he wouldn't tell it either.
I can accept if you think me dishonest.
I can tell you the shine is quickly going off this crush for me. And I'm glad of that.

JustASmallTownCurl.
It goes back to what I said some posts back about not understanding why I am the way I am. I can't understand it either, but it's me.