hideous crush on younger man

[heartsickidiot]

I think I may have lost my mind. Please don't tell me what I know, that Im an idiot, even mentally unbalance because I have fallen head over heels for a man 12 years younger than me. I am afraid to tell you my age except to say early 60's - yes I know it's almost pathetic - or maybe it is pathetic.
I think he likes me but I can't figure it out.

Here's more unfortunate detail, I'm married, he's married(though he's not happy) and when we meet my husband is always there. This man usually won't even look at me except for a friendly hello, it's seems he'd do anything but look in my direction, but when he does, he locks eyes with me and when we say goodbye, I've caught him checking me out and though he ignores me, if I get up to go somewhere he often aske if I'm leaving - even though I had thought he hadn't even noticed I was there. He's gorgeous, I'm hideously old by comparison (but I'm slim, dress well and look for younger than my age). Also, I certainly attract men of my own age.
What am I to do to get over this crush? I tried to stop meeting him but it's driving me crazy as all I think about is him. And when I stopped turning up, he asked where I was and seemed put out.
About 20 years ago I did have a short affair with a man 8 years younger. Am I just reliving these feelings. I swear I didn't try to like this man but every time he speaks or laughs, my heart skips.
I know I'm an idiot.
Ok, please tell me how to stop this idiocy.

Believe it or not I wouldn't really care if DH had an affair so long as he didn't fall in love with her and secondly, so long as he never told me.

That's great for you but most people wouldn't feel that way. I wouldn't. And I'm willing to bet your husband wouldn't either. So selfish.

Why don't you want to leave your husband?

This post is a gold plated QED of "if they'll do it once, they'll do it again". The affair ends, but the amorality and total lack of remorse or empathy for their spouse remains.

20 years post-affair, and her husband still can't sit comfortably.

Stuckandsad.....
Because I love him. Shocking, isn't it to think about another man but I can't help it. I must be shallow. I'm not afraid to be called out on it. I have never been very physically attracted to him and I've known him since I was 20. I know we met when I was too young but there's nothing I can do to change that now. I could never have asked him for a few years out so I could date or sleep with someone else. But my feelings are still there.

To be honest, this has blindsided me as I thought these feelings had all passed. Men my own age 60s just don't appeal to me, they're so out of shape and boring. Sorry!

Let him be with someone who loves him enough to be honest and kind.

Or tell him how you feel and allow him to be part of the decision to stay together or not.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. The familiarity of the man you've known so long who is kind to you AND shagging someone younger who you don't really know.

Lovely.

I guess you're right PicsInRed. I hold up my hands...
Though I'm not sure I would do it but I would like to know if he's interested.

I admit I am starting to feel ashamed of myself.
A lot of what has been said here is hard to take but honest.
I have a lot to think about. I've only spoken about my feelings to one friend and she was supportive but non confrontational as she is a friend.
Honesty is good. Thanks

I have to be off the thread for about 10 hours now. But I will log in again after that. I appreciate all your feedback everyone.

You know what were saying is right. Your husband would be devastated beyond belief....does he deserve this ??

None of us know what OP’s husband would think. And none of us have been in a marriage that spanned 40years.
It is equally possible that he feels the same way like OP - not minding some extra-marital interactions as long as they are done discretely.
OP married so young and missed out on so much. So wanting to experience some of what she mused is understandable. So is still loving her H.
There are many ways relationships work, and evolve to after 40+ years.

However - OP - you do seem like an insecure teenager around this man. Analysing glances and getting shy in conversations; and thinking of what who thinks.
Either decide to follow on and be a big girl; or decide not to. Life is too short for many things - including that sort of indecision.
Say hi to the guy, or just put it out of your head.

It doesn't even sound as if he likes you .

MMmomDD
Thanks for trying to see some of this from my side. You are fair minded. My marriage, over 40 years, (I met him when I was 20, had just moved to a new city and had a dysfunctional family and so was lonely and he wrapped me up in a cocoon-and at the time I needed that) is too long and complicated to relate here but we've had many ups and downs and many times I might have left but he kept it going and now I'm out of puff to bother trying to change anything. So I feel I'm a bit vulnerable to 'romantic crushes', though I've only in my life had 2 or 3. This man is boyishly adorable and its not easy to keep my hands off him. (I know that sounds cougar like and I hate that).
Thanks to all others on here too who took the time to offer me advice and opinions.
An update.
I met him today, in the usual group, and I now believe, though my ego really doesn't want to, that he probably thinks of me as a well preserved older woman and no more than that. There was a lot of checking me out again and even hugging when we left - it is the holidays after all. He's lucky I let him go. He's so tall and OMG huge blue and kind eyes. When friends came over to me to chat, I hardly spoke to them as I didn't want to waste time looking away from him. They must think I'd had a mild stroke or slipped into a coma or something!. Anyway, back to reality, I'm so disappointed but have decided not to make a fool of myself with him by letting him know directly how I feel (I have some suspicion that he may know, - he's smart and notices things)and as someone on the first page advised me, I'm going to try to sit back and enjoy a bit of casual flirting. I think if I accept he'll never be mine, then I can be more myself. It's just such sh..ty luck to be too old for him!. The age gap is more than I can get my head around. And I'm not sure enough of his feelings to risk making a total fool of myself. I've had one or two men do that with me over the years and I ended up feeling sorry for them. Not the feeling I want to leave this man with about me.
I think I'm right about how he feels and if I'm wrong and something happens in the future - well won't that be a nice surprise. But I know a woman being 12 years older than a man and at this time of our lives, just can't work.
As I said I'm devastated but I hugged him and can still feel the joy of that. It'll have to do. Yes, MMmomDD I think you're right, I've missed out on the growing up and fooling around years.
Maybe next time, in another life, another place, we'll meet again.
Well, I can dream, can't I.
If there is any more news on this front, I will post it.
Happy Holidays to all

I think if I accept he'll never be mine, then I can be more myself. It's just such sh..ty luck to be too old for him!. The age gap is more than I can get my head around. And I'm not sure enough of his feelings to risk making a total fool of myself. I've had one or two men do that with me over the years and I ended up feeling sorry for them. Not the feeling I want to leave this man with about me.

You haven't even had a conversation with him about having feelings for each other!! It says a lot that you list age / luck etc as the reason he can't "be mine" rather than the fact you are both married. Your poor husband.

And other people have seen this from your point of view, they just think your point of view is incredibly selfish.

I'm going to try to sit back and enjoy a bit of casual flirting.

Not really sitting back is it. How horrible is that to your husband? Unreal. If you were a man talking about a woman you'd be getting so much more of a pasting. If you feel this way and trapped / unfulfilled by not having experienced more pre marriage then tell your husband. You know he wouldn't agree to an open relationship, he'd be heartbroken. So you want the best of both worlds. He's probably planning a lovely Christmas with you. Poor bloke.

JustASmallTownCurl
I don't know what to say to that. I've no defence, yes, my poor husband deserves better.
You are obviously a committed person, I've never felt that way. A fault, I know it.

I'm sorry if I've sounded so harsh. I've been cheated on by a couple of partners. When you are the faithful one I cannot tell you the damage it does. It destroys your self confidence and makes you feel like the time you've been with someone has all been a lie.

Why wasn't I enough.
Why didn't they just tell me.
What did the other person have that I didn't.
Will I ever be enough for anyone else.
Maybe I'm just not enough for someone to ever stay with.

Etc etc

If this guy made a move on you in private you would absolutely go with it.

To me (and I'm aware I'm not the oracle) that means your relationship isn't as stable as your DH thinks it is.

Everyone fancies other people while in a long term relationship. That's natural and not wrong.

But you would follow through on it and your DH wouldn't. You said yourself that if he did then you wouldn't want to know.

I just can't understand saying you love someone but actually knowing you'd fuck someone else if nobody would find out. Which it sounds like you absolutely would.

I don't get it. Maybe I'm the weird one.

You cant stop the feelings, because that's not how emotions work.
But you don't have to act on them. Emotions are not permanent, they pass. Let them go.

And it's not a fault necessarily. Some of my friends I adore don't want a committed and exclusive relationship and I don't judge them even the tiniest bit.

But I would if they had a faithful partner who had no idea they were not exclusive and would happily shag someone else if their partner wouldn't find out.

I don't even know if that makes sense. It's the lies and lack of transparency that break people's self confidence. If you told him then he can make an informed decision.

But you want to use him for reliability and familiarity while he has no idea you want to shag other people. And not just shag. If the other guy confessed his undying love (which it doesn't sound like he would) then you'd get caught up in it.

I just feel so bad for your husband.

Why not leave him so you can indulge your desires but give him the chance to find someone who is compatible when it comes to commitment and monogamy? It just seems so selfish. Genuinely asking because I don't get it.

JustASmallTownCurl
No, I don't think you're the weird one.
I think I am. I missed out on something in the committed department. I do find it strange even myself, as I'm just about the most honest and trustworthy and kind person you could meet-in all other ways.
It's something lacking - I can't figure it out.
And I'm so sorry you've suffered all you have. That's hard to bear.

JustASmallTownCurl
I can't explain why I feel like this, I just cant.

Emotions are not permanent, they pass. Let them go. Thelnebriati
I'm glad to hear this and they can't pass fast enough at this stage.

You obviously have a lovely side to you OP - would you consider a course of counselling to investigate this?

I have no issue at all with people leaving partners even after a long time, it's a kindness to end it when you feel unfulfilled and can't help looking elsewhere.

Like I say it's the deception that is so heartbreaking and takes so long for the other person to recover from.

Being willing to go to therapy knowing the outcome might be you losing the relationship with your husband is so important. You need to be open to options that don't include him just being a fallback / safe option.

I'm honestly not trying to be a nob I just know how hard it is to recover from, from your husband's side x

JustASmallTownCurl

Thanks for all your input. Yes, counselling is something I may consider. I did it many years ago when our marriage was in trouble, but my husband would not agree to go. It didn't help much, but who doesn't like to talk about themselves. I certainly do. More selfishness I guess. I like when it's all about me - and that's why I like to get what I want.
I'll think it over during the Holidays. I can tell you asking this question here has opened my eyes to my selfishness - maybe I'll chose to forget that again, but my head has certainly been cleared by posting this. I've a lot to think over, mostly about myself and my actions and thoughts.

Its so intoxicating because its a fantasy. Thats all it is. In your mind, he's this dashing, amazing, handsome guy who will sweep you off your feet! There are literally no limits to your imagination and in your head, this guy is perfect.
In reality, he probably gets gassy after dairy, leaves his socks on during sex and leaves wet towels all over the floor after a shower.
This is the problem with crushes- they are not based on reality, they are based on imaginary scenarios. The way to get over this is simple- stop feeding your imagination. Stop fantasising about him, stop mooning over him, stop thinking about him, stop obsessing about him and stop stalking him on social media (if you are). Fire burns out when it doesnt have oxygen and this will too.

I guarantee you that even if you did have an affair with this guy, the novelty would wear off remarkable quickly. There is nothing sexy about lying to your partner, sneaking around trying to get story straight, betraying those you love and then having to deal with the emotional bomb that will inevitably go off when someone finds out and someone usually always does find out. Ask yourself this: do you really want to be with a man who thinks nothing of sleeping with another man's wife? A guy who would do that so casually doesnt seem like a decent person to me at all, and if he's willing to do that with you, what's to stop him cheating on you with other women?

Stop this nonsense now, it will only lead to heartbreak and tears. Reconnect with your husband and start fantasising about him instead. Imagine this dude sharting after his Christmas meal if you have to but just do something to bring yourself back down to earth. He's not worth it.

Aren't you menopausal? I thought people no longer have silly crushes once they reach menopause. Which is quite liberating.

I find it a little odd when you say "I certainly attract men of my own age". I would have thought you would be past that by now.

Which is not to say you cannot be or want to be attractive at your age. Just that attracting men (I am 51, slim and dress nice I think) is no longer an objective of mine.

You're clearly self aware, articulate and not actively cruel - you don't want to hurt people but let selfish things overrule what you know is kind.

I think counselling would be so useful for you to do solo, as long as you accept the outcome might be you leaving the marriage without something definite to go to.

So many people wait to line up the next person before leaving the current one and it is just so selfish.

Nobody has to be in a relationship. I said to one of my exes he could have split up with me, been single and indulged whatever he wanted to do but allowed me to be happy too. But he wanted someone kind and reliable at home to come back to as well. That was what hurt. Him ending it would have been fine. It was the humiliation and feeling like a back up that fucks people up.

You sound like a kind friend and family member and that it's relationships in which you struggle to act on the empathy you probably do feel for others. I think counselling would be really helpful.

But as I say you need to be willing to walk away from your marriage and allow him to live in an honest and mutually enjoyed relationship as you are so so so close to cheating if someone else you liked was up for it.

I hope you can find your way and safeguard his self confidence in the process, whatever outcome that means x

beautifulstranger101
My God you're so right. And I haven't even considered my own farting -which happens so often as I fall asleep. I'd have to stick a cork in there and be in danger of exploding. And what if I did it during sex and the cork flew out and took out his eye?
I'm not making fun, just trying to wake myself up.
You're dead right, I need to stop this nonsense now. That poor guy could never live up to my imagination!
I need all this down to earth talk from all of you. I told you, I think I've temporarily lost my mind. Temporarily.