DP unwillingness to get up

[Andiwilltrytofixyou]

Just wondering how normal this is. DP will stay in bed at every given opportunity. He has today off work, I have this morning off, We've just had the weekend off too, but he's still in bed, probably won't be up till after midday. Same on Saturday, yesterday got up at 11, only as I woke him several times as he needed to order off Amazon before delivery cut off. He would happily go back to bed for an afternoon nap too if we aren't out.

We don't have kids, but do have a young dog that needs attention and seeing to in the morning

I know he's an adult and can chose how to spend his own free time, but it would just be nice if he chose to spend some of that with me and not in bed.

If I go out and do things without him he'll sulk that he was left out, but doesn't then change his behaviour to be able to join me.

We've been together 5 years, lived together for about 2 of those. TBH it's actually quite unattractive having him laze around like a teenager.

He's not depressed or ill. Is this normal?

Am totally with you. That would drive me nuts and is definitely a deal breaker for me.

It's not normal , no. Probably a long shot, but could he be trying to control your time by hanging around in bed and wanting you at home waiting for him? It could just be that you are very different people though, not everyone likes to get up and out early on a day off.

I think it's becoming a deal breaker for me tbh Thankssomuch

If I get up and do chores whilst he sleeps I resent him, if I have to wait for him to get up tho do something we've planned I get frustrated with the time I'm wasting waiting, if I go out on my own and he sulks that pisses me off, and if I cave in and get him up it really really turns me off so not good for the relationship.

Problem is when he's up and engaged he's a good partner and I enjoy spending time with him.

I dont think thats normal. Dont get me wrong- I like the occasional lie in but to regularly lie in until lunch time is not healthy.
I cannot stand laziness- its my personal bug bear. I would tell him straight- if you can't be arsed to get out of bed then I'm doing things without you and you have no right to whinge about it. Life is precious and it's short. Wasting entire days just sleeping is a complete waste of time and I would wonder about his health too. If he really cannot raise himself out of bed before lunch then he needs to see his GP.

Is he actually asleep?

This is not at all normal for a healthy adult. Occaisonal lie in - sure, but every day he has off? I'd suggest he sees his GP for a check up. If he refuses - then he's just being an arse. Don't live your life around him.

Do he have quite a demanding job? If I had the opportunity to sleep, I would. Sleep has so many health benefits so I don't blame him wanting to catch up on sleep when he gets the chance.

I would address the issues surrounding not helping out with the dog and sulking if he's left out. Explain to him if you have things planned that you won't wait for him. You're not his mother so it's not your job to ensure he is up and out on time.

I don't see sleeping as being lazy. I see it as taking care of yourself.

fedup21 he was asleep at 11 when I put my head round the door. Probably on his phone by now.

I've had the, if you can't get up you need to see a GP conversation... it's not that tho, he's just lazy. He had to move home with his parents in his mid 20's and they actually threw him out in the end for this very thing

Oh he has form then!

Butterfly he has a full time job and works hard, but I'm the one with the demanding job!!

I agree with you re sleep, I love sleep, it's important. We are in bed for 11, and I'm not asking him to get up early. 10am would be fine, I'm happy to get up with the dog before then and let him sleep in for a bit. Surely he doesn't need 13hours sleep every day off he gets.

I don't see sleeping as being lazy. I see it as taking care of yourself

I totally agree with this, we need good sleep. But there does come a point where its not healthy surely? Eg if you are regularly spending 15 hours a day in bed I would argue that indicates a health issue of some kind (physical or mental- depression). Too much sleep can actually increase your risk of diabetes, stroke, and death according to studies so its really about balance. Neither too little or too much is healthy.

Get rid of him now, he’s lazy. I speak from experience my DH is like this and it’s infuriating! I married him thinking it would chase when we had kids.... nope just as bad. He sleeps after work, all weekend, on his days off. He has been to the doctors at my request and there’s nothing wrong with him. His parents had also taken him to the doctor for this as a teenager.. nothing wrong. It won’t change believe me!

Ditch him. You'll resent it forever. What happens when you have small kids who insist on getting up for the day at 6? Or 4:30, like DS did till he was 2? You'll be the one stuck getting up with them every single day.

@housewifeoflittleitaly omg you must be ready to strangle him!
I couldn't deal with that. Its unbelievably selfish to let you do all the work whilst he just sleeps his life away. Fck that.

I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate that. Laziness is a deeply unattractive quality.

He's just being lazy. I couldn't stand it myself. I love to get up and do stuff - go running, dog walking, just chat in the kitchen (while I do the jobs).

And he's not contributing to the chores, or the dog walking or even showing any enthusiasm for spending time with you.

I'd find him deeply unattractive tbh.

And no, there's no way he needs 13 hours of sleep a night.

Thanks all. When something becomes your life you lose perspective over whether it it's normal.

I'll start the new year making plans for myself for days off.

Depending on his reaction we might just have to call it a day due to differences.

We are due to visit my mum tomorrow, I will get me up and the puppy ready in the morning and if he's not up by the time we'd agree to leave I'll just go without him.

I must admit OP I was initially thinking yabu but entirely transferring my own stuff. I have never slept well and for a variety of reasons it's got worse. Dp bless him actually goes out of his way to protect my sleep without asking. For example we recently went to his mothers and he insisted on packing my favourite pillows without being asked so I would sleep better , and will at weekends entirely accept I have to catch up on sleep and just checks on me brings me tea etc.

But and this is the key I dont absolve my home duties ever for sleep, If I've struggled the night before and the DC wake up(or puppy in your case ) he will tell me he will do it but that's after my feet hit the floor , he knows I pull my weight.

I've asked him about this and he says the same thing , if I was checking out of family life that's entirely different , but I don't. I do recognise it can be irritating , I'm sure he wishes i would get up on a weekend (I'm talking about days DC are with their father ) but he will always say I'm up when I should be. The key here is your DP isn't showing any consideration. I totally empathise with needing to catch up on sleep but not at the impact of others.

It's not really about his sleep is it ? It's about him not being engaged with you and the home and the life. I think that's where I would draw the line.

Ironically my ex husband was the same. Hard worker nice man but sleeping and not getting up with the DC was definitely a nail in the coffin for us, although not remotely the only nail...his mother was about 15 nails all on her own. However the sleeping at the expense of family life was definitely a factor.

I couldn’t live with a sulker even if he wasn’t bone idle.

How long r u together?
This is not going to change.
My friend has a DH who "naps" for 4 hours.
He fucked up a shared holiday as we all hung about waiting o his lazy arse. His parenting left a lot to be desired.

Dont put anymore into this. Waste of energy

My ex husband used to do this. l worked shifts, and l only got one weekend in three off.
The two weekends l was working, he'd be up at a reasonable time. On my weekend off, he'd stay in bed til lunchtime, then when he eventually surfaced and l asked if we were going out or going to do something, he'd say "lt's too late now. Everywhere'll be busy."
Similar thing when l was on early shifts and had to be up at 5am - he'd be clattering round the house, up and downstairs, banging doors and making a noise until gone 1am. When l came home after midnight after a late shift, he'd be in bed and asleep.
ln our case, it was a control thing. l used to end up spending my days off asleep.
We had dogs too and he did nothing besides feed them when l was at work. Wouldn't even take them for walks.
See how things go tomorrow, and have a think about whether you're willing to put up with this. Have a nice Christmas x

I used to have this issue, not to that extent, but was perpetually tired.

I know everyone is tired first thing, but for me I literally couldn't get up on time. I went to the GP, bloods all fine. Further tests, turned out I was asthmatic.

Now I use my inhaler every day, I am like a new person, so much more energy.

Before you start to have a go at him, I would suggest a visit to the GP, could be many things, depression also makes you not want to get up.

Is he 15 ?

For christ's sake don't have kids with him

Before you start to have a go at him, I would suggest a visit to the GP

OP has suggested that already. Its not 100% clear but it seems he's either been and been told he's fine, or he's refusing to go.

When you get in bed at night does he actually go to sleep or is he on his phone/reading?

I’m nocturnal by nature and revert to it whenever there is an opportunity (like a bank hol etc).

I get in bed with DH but will read until 2:30-3am given the chance. (I’d kind of like to just stay up but compromise on getting in bed so me and DH are together at “bedtime”)

My ideal wake up time is 11am. This is just normal for me and working against it (my job requires that I get up at 6:10am) takes it out of me because I find it so hard to get to sleep at the necessary time, not so much insomnia as it just doesn’t seem time yet 🤷‍♀️

I usually get home from work at 6pm and try to get a 30min nap in before DH gets home. To me it’s adaptive as it refreshes me for the evening (skipping it doesn’t help me sleep any better, I tried for a year)

Just a ramble really to give the perspective of the weird sleeping person 👍