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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP unwillingness to get up

78 replies

Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 11:25

Just wondering how normal this is. DP will stay in bed at every given opportunity. He has today off work, I have this morning off, We've just had the weekend off too, but he's still in bed, probably won't be up till after midday. Same on Saturday, yesterday got up at 11, only as I woke him several times as he needed to order off Amazon before delivery cut off. He would happily go back to bed for an afternoon nap too if we aren't out.

We don't have kids, but do have a young dog that needs attention and seeing to in the morning

I know he's an adult and can chose how to spend his own free time, but it would just be nice if he chose to spend some of that with me and not in bed.

If I go out and do things without him he'll sulk that he was left out, but doesn't then change his behaviour to be able to join me.

We've been together 5 years, lived together for about 2 of those. TBH it's actually quite unattractive having him laze around like a teenager.

He's not depressed or ill. Is this normal?

OP posts:

Menora · 23/12/2019 12:15

This is not about sleep it’s about avoiding doing things!

olivertwistwantsmore · 23/12/2019 12:18

That would annoy me too. Talk to him about it! Agree jobs you will both do and then leave him to it - he's not a baby so not your job to wake him to order Amazon stuff. You're right - that's very unattractive.

Decide what changes you want to happen and tell him about them. Tell him you're thinking about ending the relationship because of it. See what happens!

chamenanged · 23/12/2019 12:19

I love being in bed and would have gone back to bed on a free afternoon too when I was childless - doesn't mean I'm lazy or a teenager and I'd find it extremely controlling and irritating to be told I am. Presumably he works full time? Also it sounds like you're sulking about him being in bed as much as he sulks about you going out so I'm on the fence on that score. But I don't think it's acceptable not to take good care of a dog you chose to get, and he didn't even have to get up to order stuff on Amazon, so on that he is BU.

Original poster

Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 12:20

menora that's what I need to figure out. Does he need the sleep, or us he just been lazy.

He has had full medical tests within the last year. Only abnormal result is low blood pressure.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 23/12/2019 12:24

It would annoy me too!
Go and plan your days and if he isn’t up you leave him behind. Chat to him excitedly about everything you did. So he knows he’s missing out. Don’t let the sulk stop you

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 12:24

Some people just like to sleep until late morning when they have the opportunity. It's quite common.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 23/12/2019 12:26

I’d dump him for being a totally bore. A lie in in lovely, but who wants to waste their life watching someone snore?

isabellerossignol · 23/12/2019 12:28

Some people just like to sleep until late morning when they have the opportunity. It's quite common.

Which is fine if they are single and live alone. But very different if someone else has to facilitate it, as in this case. And even worse again if they not only refuse to get up, but don't want other people to do things without them. That's when it becomes controlling behaviour.

OP, if he is not ill, this would be a deal breaker for me.

MerryDeath · 23/12/2019 12:29

incredibly unattractive but aside from the responsibility he has to the dog it's up to him i suppose..... i wouldn't want that to be my life so i'd just chuck him. i'm ruthless these days. (now that i have children and no room to manoeuvre i see just how simple relationships without them
are! i wish i had this perspective when i was single!!!!!!).

don't try to change him, men are a renewable resource.

eatyourcake · 23/12/2019 12:32

He needs to get checked out, it's not normal.

So many things can cause fatigue, B12, iron deficiency, chronic fatigue syndrome, not eating well, food intolerances!!! etc etc. Speaking from experience, I had to get my iron up, cut out dairy and coffee, reduced refined sugar. I feel 100 times better.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 12:32

Some people just like to sleep until late morning when they have the opportunity. It's quite common

And expect their partner to do all of the chores, getting up early for the dog, sleeping whilst foisting all their responsibilities onto their partner who must be exhausted having to do it all alone?

No. Just no. Wanting a lie in is not an excuse to get your partner to do the lions share of the work whilst you snore happily in bed every damn day. Thats not an equal partnership at all- its using someone.

AlaskaSometimes · 23/12/2019 12:34

My husband used to be like this before kids and then I think newborns pretty much broke him. After 4 years without a decent night sleep when they were little, now he’s ecstatic when we get a sleep in until 10 on a Sunday these days. He pulled his head in eventually. Drove me crazy.

eatyourcake · 23/12/2019 12:35

Sorry didn't see your message about medical tests and low blood pressure. Does he eat well though? Exercise? You'd be surprised how that alone can change one's energy levels.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2019 12:35

Just because someone likes their sleep doesn't make them depressed. I slept 13 hours last night cause I couldn't be arsed getting up in the cold. Is your home cold on the morning? Or is he waking up several times in the night so feeling unrested?

Original poster

Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 12:37

I might just book a cleaner to come at 10am Saturday mornings and take the dog for a walk whilst they work. That way I'll come home to a clean house, a tired dog, and he'll be up!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 12:40

pinkbonbon house is warm
He does wake in the night if the dog makes a noise but I'm the one who gets up for her and he'll be sleeping by the time I'm back in bed. She sleeps through more nights than not now anyway.

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 23/12/2019 12:40

Low blood pressure can make you tired and low energy, so he needs to try work on that.

But overall, it's the unwillingness to adapt that's so obnoxious. Well into my 20s I could happily stay in bed until early afternoon. But the big difference was that pre kids, I still only did that on days when there were no other requirements. I regularly got up early on weekends because DH and/or I had plans or to get chores done or whatever the case may be. Just because I was quite happy to waft around in bed or, at a push, in my pyjamas downstairs didn't mean I felt I HAD to do it every single day I wasn't working. And I DID have a high pressured job with long hours and a long commute.

So if he can't accept his share of responsibility for the dog or other chores or can't get himself together to get out of bed because you have stuff to do as a couple, then yes, you need to bin him. Sure, it might be a medical issue but if's not concerned about tit and attempting to find solutions then that's not your problem.

Original poster

Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 12:42

eatyourcake good diet and healthy, active lifestyle. If he's going to an activity he is quite capable of getting up early.

OP posts:

Menora · 23/12/2019 12:43

I really do think this is just a way of getting out of shit he CBA to do.

The only way to work that out is to arrange something amazing he would absolutely love to do and see if he gets up on THAT day

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 12:44

Sure, but it's very common to be a night owl type and not be able to function properly in the early morning. It's annoying if you're an early bird, but imagine someone waking you up at 4am every morning to do chores because that's what they liked best.

You need to compromise, not force him to work to your schedule.

IM0GEN · 23/12/2019 12:45

I’m a bit worried you are dating my 15 year old son.

BlingLoving · 23/12/2019 12:48

This is bullshit. My DH is a night owl. Absolutely prefers to go to bed late and sleep in. But, he's a grown up so understands that unfortunately that's now how the world works. So, for example, we get up together in the morning to get kids up and ready for school. On weekends, he takes his turn at the lie in vs the getting up early. But because I'm more of an early-to-bed-early-to-rise person, he does overall get more mornings where he gets to lie in and his lie ins tend to be longer because of course, I'm sympathetic.

That's not what's happening here. OP wants him to take responsibility for things they've taken on as a couple and she wants him to stop checking out of their shared life by sleeping through events or, when he finally wakes up, refusing to do things because it's now too late in the day.

Mummyshark2018 · 23/12/2019 12:55

Prior to having kids I would have stayed in bed until 11am unless I had something planned for the weekend. I don't see anything wrong with it. A young dog needs taken out for a wee for a few minutes but really can be walked any time of the day.

ChuckleBuckles · 23/12/2019 12:58

he's just lazy. He had to move home with his parents in his mid 20's and they actually threw him out in the end for this very thing

So why have you scooped him up then and make excuses for him when his own parents would no longer tolerate this? Imagine how lazy he has to be for his own parents to chuck him out, it must be like living in that film "Weekend at Bernie's"

If he's going to an activity he is quite capable of getting up early

Let me guess that if it is something that you need help with, like housework, or something he finds boring or visiting your family he is fast asleep and not willing to budge? Dump the entire man OP.

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 13:06

Is there any particular reason why he can't do any household chores after 11am?

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