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Original poster

DP unwillingness to get up

78 replies

Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 11:25

Just wondering how normal this is. DP will stay in bed at every given opportunity. He has today off work, I have this morning off, We've just had the weekend off too, but he's still in bed, probably won't be up till after midday. Same on Saturday, yesterday got up at 11, only as I woke him several times as he needed to order off Amazon before delivery cut off. He would happily go back to bed for an afternoon nap too if we aren't out.

We don't have kids, but do have a young dog that needs attention and seeing to in the morning

I know he's an adult and can chose how to spend his own free time, but it would just be nice if he chose to spend some of that with me and not in bed.

If I go out and do things without him he'll sulk that he was left out, but doesn't then change his behaviour to be able to join me.

We've been together 5 years, lived together for about 2 of those. TBH it's actually quite unattractive having him laze around like a teenager.

He's not depressed or ill. Is this normal?

OP posts:
TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 13:09

Of course it's annoying when two people are on different sleep schedules. It doesn't make the person who wakes up earlier any more saintly.

I wake up first thing in the morning now because I'm older. I used to sleep in, or want to sleep in, for most of my life. I haven't become a morally better person. I just wake up earlier now.

I live with someone who sleeps in until midday. I just don't make plans with them to do anything before midday. Yes, it's annoying for me. But it doesn't mean I'm a good person and they are a bad person.

SVRT19674 · 23/12/2019 13:20

My husband has depression and does this and so did my brother (my brother loves a lie in as he is a very heavy sleeper) but even my husband drags himself out when I need him. He is taking the piss and unfortunately you are enabling him. Just go off without him.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 13:21

OP says he goes to bed, to sleep, at 11pm. So in actual fact, they aren't on entirely different sleep schedules. He just chooses not to get up until lunch.

Its not about being "saintly" he is being a selfish prick, not only does he not do his half of the work in the house, he then has the audacity to have a go at the OP for going out and doing things whilst he is lazing in bed!

That is not about different sleep schedules at all

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 13:23

Also, OP has made it crystal clear that when its an activity HE wants to do he miraculously manages to get up on time. Funny that...

Kayleigh12 · 23/12/2019 14:01

Oh god give him a break! I work 40 hrs a week and I love nothing more than staying in bed every Sunday till early afternoon with my partner watching a film, breakfast in bed. Nothing wrong with it. My partner and I are up at 7am 6 days a week so why not?

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 14:15

I don't think someone is a prick for wanting to sleep in after they've been at work all week. It's totally normal.

We're all different. We all need different amounts of sleep. I'm sure he'll be a great laugh to hang out with being chronically tired from never being allowed to get as much sleep as he needs.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 14:21

Are you guys even reading the OP? He gets ANGRY at her for going out and doing things whilst he is asleep- that sounds normal to you?

And presumably, you'd be really happy to be doing all of the household chores, letting the dog out, walking the dog etc whilst he does nothing? I hope OP doesnt have kids with this man because he won't be helping at all

SuePerb · 23/12/2019 14:29

I agree, NEVER have kids with this man.

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 14:30

She sounds angry at him for wanting to do different things to her in the morning. What's the difference?

Okbutno · 23/12/2019 14:34

I think it does depend if he needs the sleep or not. For example, I have a few low level medical issues which can make me knackered. Plus I've always been a person who needs 8hrs. But I go to bed fairly early and get up at 6 for work. Then lie in till 8 or v occasionally 9 on weekends with an occasional nap on a weekend. Importantly though if stuff needs to happen I will be flexible with my sleep.

So work out if he needs that much sleep on which case he needs to go back to the GP. If he doesn't need it he's acting like a lazy teenager.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 14:37

The difference is that he is not pulling his weight and she is doing everything around the house.

Sorry, I dont believe for one hot second that the people defending him in this thread would be happy to do 100% of the stuff around the house whilst he sleeps all the time. Thats horrendously unfair

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/12/2019 14:44

If he is pulling his fair share during his awake hours in terms of dog walking and household stuff then I'd not be too bothered if he lay in on days there was nothing planned.

If you can't lay in and prefer to get your share of the housework done in the morning and he does his stuff in the afternoon then it's just different ways of being.

But it sounds like he doesn't even contribute when he is awake and makes you feel bad for doing your own thing when you are awake.

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 15:06

Sorry, I dont believe for one hot second that the people defending him in this thread would be happy to do 100% of the stuff around the house whilst he sleeps all the time. Thats horrendously unfair

The person I live with regularly sleeps in until the afternoon on his days off. I am perfectly happy pottering around doing my own thing. But I wouldn't bother making plans that started at an early hour, so I don't have the opportunity to be furious when he inevitably misses it.

I've been on the other side of it where it was me who needed to catch up with my sleep and it's deeply unpleasant to be nagged over it.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 15:10

The person I live with regularly sleeps in until the afternoon on his days off. I am perfectly happy pottering around doing my own thing

So, you'd be happy with doing all the housework, everything around the house? taking care of the dog you bought together, walking it etc all on your own- 100% on your shoulders?

If so, cool. But most people (including me) wouldn't find that to be an equal partnership and if they have kids it sounds like OP will be doing everything on her own. Thats not unreasonable.

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 15:16

There's absolutely nothing stopping the household chores from being done in the afternoon.

The dog can go out for a quick walk in the morning and then a longer one in the afternoon.

I'll ask again how people would feel if someone wanted them out of bed every morning at 4am to do chores.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 15:18

She isn't asking him to get out of bed at 4am though, she's asking him get up at 10am.........

Come on now- 4am? where did you pluck that from????

SuePerb · 23/12/2019 15:41

It's not just about the chores though is it? Even if he did all the chores in the evening, I still wouldn't want to be with a man that stayed in bed all morning. It's just lazy and unappealing.

He sounds like my 20 year old son tbh and it drives me mad.

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 15:50

@beautifulstranger101'Too much sleep can actually increase your risk of diabetes, stroke, and death according to studies so its really about balance.'

I think this is alarmist and not the case. It's lack of sleep that's known to cause problems (though of course inactivity in general can, too.

I can see how someone with such a routine could be annoying/frustrating to a lot of people.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 15:53

Nah- I googled it and this came up:
amerisleep.com/blog/oversleeping-the-health-effects/

Its not surprising to me, research is now showing that lending a sedentary lifestyle can be just as damaging to health as smoking.

TheReef · 23/12/2019 16:07

I'm all for the odd lie in, but this must take over a weekend.

I think I wouldn't be that bothered if he was 50% with the dog and chores and BOTH of you were happy you go and do things on your own.. but if he's sulking when you do things on your own, that's a massive NO NO from me. That's almost 'I'll do what I want, and you have to wait around for me'

TheBlueStocking · 23/12/2019 16:12

No one is asking anyone to get up at 4am. I'm saying to use your imagination to understand how that might make you feel. That's how people who need a lie in feel at being asked to get up hours earlier.

Original poster
Andiwilltrytofixyou · 23/12/2019 16:24

Thanks all.

I think I'll start with clearer expectations on division of chores. That way if he chooses to do his later in the day that's fine.

I'll also start using my time more productively, so rather then making plans with him I'll use the time to do things in my own, like go to the gym or walk the dog.
If he continues to complain about this, I'll specifically address that, previously I've just shrugged it off with "I said I was going out at x time, if you are not up I'm not waiting" but not pulled him on why he's sulking about it.

After a few months of this I'll have a good idea of if this relationship is still working for me.

OP posts:
noneedtoberudedear · 23/12/2019 16:30

It won’t get better op.

My DH was always impossible to drag out of bed. We have 15 month old twins and he’s just left home. One of the main sources of arguments was him never getting up with the babies in the morning.

Lazy people like that don’t change. Cut your losses. My present could well be your future otherwiseFlowers

Mary1935 · 23/12/2019 17:13

Does his life revolve entirely around you op?
Does he have any friends. Maybe he has nothing to do and wishes to sleep his life away. That’s his choice and you do not need to stay with him. You are on the right path. Good luck.

beccarjf · 23/12/2019 17:33

I could have written this about my husband-together for 12 years and some days, as he's self employed and does most work remotely he won't get up gone 12!! We have a toddler who tells the neighbours how lazy daddy is.
In fairness he's been like it his entire life and can get up when he needs to he's just as one previous poster said an "arse"