End of Tether with Mum

[Whatacarryon81]

Name changed. Long back story of lifelong narcissistic controlling emotionally abusive relationship. I've only really come to see clearly what's gone on in the last couple of years, having been told all my life that its all been my fault for being a nasty uncaring person. That I make bad decisions and am not to be trusted etc etc. This is at odds with most of what I see in the rest of my life - I have a happy marriage with a lovely husband, lovely children and good friendships. Don't 'fall out' with anyone else and haven't got trouble in any other area of my life. I used to have a good career but family life took over and I think all my confidence has withered away to nothing in that respect.
Despite what she'd have me believing, my mother is the opposite. She lives alone with very few friends who are in contact by phone. No visitors. I'm the only one left in family. This relationship is causing me massive emotional pain and distress and disrupts the life of my family. I'm the only one who can help her but at what cost? She is incredibly verbally abusive and rude but yet depends on me on a daily basis.

What do I do? I really feel close to some sort of breaking point. Yes I've tried talking to her but that is absolutely impossible - it just gets turned back in a tirade against me. I don't shout or retaliate. I try to 'feed' the problem and avoid conflict but at what cost to my own mental health? Our entire daily family life is compromised because of responsibilities to her yet she says I'm the bully and do little for her.

She is incredibly verbally abusive and rude but yet depends on me on a daily basis.

There you have it really. There are no consequences to her bad behaviour because out of a sense of guilt and loyalty you feel bound to put up with her despite the distress she causes you. I really think you need to have some counselling to help you detach from this 'relationship' and I say that as someone who has no contact with my narcissistic mother and family.

I totally understand the feelings of obligation and guilt but you can break away from this. You don't owe her anything but you have to believe that. In the meantime, perhaps limit your visits to once a week and try to tune out her abuse. You could practice saying 'if you speak to me like that I will leave' and keep repeating. If she carries on, leave.

You don't deserve such a witch of a mother. You really don't. These are her issues not yours.

Why does she depend on you? Physically? Can you arrange carers to come in?

Can you tell her that, since you obviously make her so unhappy, you're going to stop, and instead arrange for professionals to take over her care?

Don't beat yourself up about it though, and don't compromise your life for someone who does not and will not appreciate you.

What do you mean you are the only one who can help her?

You do not deserve to be abused daily.
She doesn't appreciate what you do for her.
You won't receive a thank you from her.

She is a toxic person that needs to be removed from your life.

You know what to do OP.
It's gonna be really hard.
The FOG will take a long time to lift but you can and will get there.
How does she rely on you every day?
Can she do anything for herself?
Can you order her shopping to be delivered?
If she can't care for herself then you need to contact the correct organisation.
Get carers in if needs be.
If she really can't care for herself then she needs a home!

If you go round and she starts to verbally abuse you, then you walk out of the door.
You do it every time until she learns that she can't do that or you will fuck off and leave her to it.

I would imagine as a narc she may be exaggerating her 'illness'
But please stop pandering to her.
If you have a mental breakdown you will be no good to anyone.
YOUR DH and children come first now.

Thanks for the messages - so supportive and affirming. I feel trapped really. Have been having counselling on the quiet for about 6 months but centres on coping strategies as I don't feel able to distance myself further from the relationship due to being the only family member. There are carers but that's very limited to short visits so doesn't really help with things like shopping or proper meals. Then there's the issue of isolation. There aren't really any other visitors or friends other than appointments and carers. Plus there's the need to facilitate relationships with children. In a dream world I'd be able to put my family and own life first. I've never felt able to make decisions based on what I would actually prefer to do. That's deemed as selfish and silly. I'm now feeling like life has largely passed me by and is based so heavily on doing what is expected of me (and it's extremely difficult to second guess what that is at any time) and compromise. It's extremely tiring and stressful. My counsellor was lovely but limited in what we could change given the circumstances.

I say this with love. It is going to sound harsh.

You are not responsible for your mother's care and health. You are NOT at all. You are allowed to step back and reclaim your life.
She is and adult and in charge of her own person

You are the "only faaaaaamily" she has left because your mother is a very unpleasant and abusive person and she has burned all the bridges she had with everybody else.
That is not your fault but hers.

Unless your mother is incapacitated and needs a guardian (not you as a guardian!), step back. She can organize her own care, groceries and life.

You do not owe her anything. Parents are supposed to take care of kids but adult children do not owe the same to parents.
Any parent that says that is abusive.

How many hours are you helping her now?
I would start by cutting it in half.

She insults you? Give her a warning for her to stop and next time you drop what you are doing and leave and skip the next visit.

If she wants to give you a poa? Don't accept it. If you have one, revoke it.

"There is the need to facilitate the relationship with children"
You don't mean your kids, right?
You need to protect your kids from her, they must not see her at all

I walked away from any sort of relationship with my dm. And took my dc with me.
If she sees no one it's not my fault /responsibility...
I feel no guilt or shame.
Put your own dc /dh before her as they deserve you to be happy and not abused.
Age /blood does not give her the right to treat you like shit.

Make this dream world a reality for you. Put your own self and your kids first now, not your toxic mother.

She was NOT a good parent to you when you were growing up and
she is a terrible example of a grandparent to your children as well.
Your mother has trained you (like many narcissists do with their now adult children) to serve her and put your own self and needs dead last. Its hard being the last one left but you really do need to stop all contact with her now for yours and your family's own sanity and peace of mind. You are mired in fear, obligation and guilt and that is what also drives this now. How good is your counsellor re this whole issue of FOG?.

If she is too toxic/batshit for you to deal with its the SAME deal for your kids too. It is NOT down to you either to facilitate a relationship between your mother (who is not worthy of the term) and your kids. Your children need to be protected from such a malignant person. Leave her to the carers and people in authority to look after her; she will continue to destroy you and take down your kids with her from the ground up otherwise.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and start reclaiming your life before your mother further engulfs it.

Thanks. I need to read responses like this but it's hard. I believe that it's not right for anyone, however awful, to be left alone and lonely. That's at odds with how I'm feeling about my own position though. I've read a bit of the stately homes threads and so much there resonates with me but I feel that those threads are so long running and busy that I can't jump in and keep up.

I believe that it's not right for anyone, however awful, to be left alone and lonely.

OP you could not be more wrong.... Who taught you this belief OP ? Have you taught your children this ? because it is wrong... You're own beliefs have trapped you in this cycle of abuse, and this is not right... you must see this

Just dive into the Stately Homes thread regardless, you will also find people

Re your comment:-
"I believe that it's not right for anyone, however awful, to be left alone and lonely".

She is not worthy of you honestly. She is more than just merely awful too; she is outright abusive. Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. You should not tolerate it from your mother and you only sadly do because she conditioned you from early childhood to fear her.

She has never given you any such consideration whatsoever and she is not the mother either you perhaps still want her to be. You probably on some level hope too that even now she could somehow change but that is not going to happen.

Where is your dad in all this, you do not mention him so was wondering if he is still in your life at all?.
It is really not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either.

Your mother uses your misplaced belief of seeing good in everyone regardless to get away with what she has done towards you, again this is all part of your overall conditioning at her hands. There is good reason why she has no friends or other family; she has driven them all away by her actions.

Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Your mother is alone and lonely because she wants to and she earned it.
She is choosing to have you as her company. Everything she does is a choice to force your hand.

Is she mobile? Can she volunteer? Go to senior centers for activities? Be more pleasant around people?

She's housebound and literally has not one other relative. Because of this she has no capacity to build new relationships etc.

I really don't think I have the capacity to leave someone to be that isolated and unhappy even at my own expense. Sadly. Seems cruel.

Thanks to all who are replying. It helps to talk about it

Thanks to all who are replying. It helps to talk about it

My mother was housebound and treated me the same as your mother does you. Refused to have carers etc.......

Until I walked away and went NC. I made her GP aware, and my mother then had carers and revelled in it! (I found out through her neighbours). Yes I felt guilt, shame, the works but my DC were relieved I was free of her. She had no interest in them, and didn't want me as a daughter - just to be her personal slave and emotional punching bag.

That sounds very familiar @MarianaMoatedGrange. Very very familiar. Except mine doesn't even have neighbours in contact. Just a couple of friends by phone.

She is 'isolated and unhappy' because she hasn't troubled herself to be pleasant to anyone. She didn't have to have a personality transplant, just to realise that, if you want people to be good to you, you need to give something back. Why should she just be able to take and take without even giving back as much as it would take to bite her tongue for an afternoon?

Tell her. Tell her next time she is unpleasant to you, that you don't have to be there and take it, and walk out if she is. Talk to GP and local authorities. It's not your problem, it's hers.

Set yourself free ASAP in 2020 OP. New decade, new life for you. I know it's hard but you must put your MH first. You'll be no good to yourself or anyone if you have a breakdown (I was on the verge).

I understand that it’s difficult to contemplate doing NC.

I’m sure those with more experience of toxic family may advise against this, but can you completely limit the time you spend with her to absolute essentials?

Go in and tell her firmly are being treated appallingly, she is bloody lucky to have you and if things don’t change you WILL ago NC.

Then a few weeks of literally just dropping shopping in/ easy meals she can do herself. Zero other contact. Every time she complains SHUT HER DOWN and leave.

If she doesn’t get the message then you should hon NC with no guilt whatsoever.

Also fuck fascilitating relationships with her and your DC/others. She does not deserve it.

How about building friendships online? Participating in online communities? In person is not the only way to build a network.
Bottom line: if you want something, you make it happen. That applies to your mother too.

She installed the guilt buttons on you. You are the only one left because everybody else hit their limits and said " eff it! I have had enough of this ungrateful lady"

If at least she was nice to you.... but no, she is not.

You need to look for another counselor specialized in personality disorders. You must go and get out of the fog.

She messed up your life. Don't let her mess up your kids' lives any longer. I bet they need therapy too