End of Tether with Mum

[Whatacarryon81]

Name changed. Long back story of lifelong narcissistic controlling emotionally abusive relationship. I've only really come to see clearly what's gone on in the last couple of years, having been told all my life that its all been my fault for being a nasty uncaring person. That I make bad decisions and am not to be trusted etc etc. This is at odds with most of what I see in the rest of my life - I have a happy marriage with a lovely husband, lovely children and good friendships. Don't 'fall out' with anyone else and haven't got trouble in any other area of my life. I used to have a good career but family life took over and I think all my confidence has withered away to nothing in that respect.
Despite what she'd have me believing, my mother is the opposite. She lives alone with very few friends who are in contact by phone. No visitors. I'm the only one left in family. This relationship is causing me massive emotional pain and distress and disrupts the life of my family. I'm the only one who can help her but at what cost? She is incredibly verbally abusive and rude but yet depends on me on a daily basis.

What do I do? I really feel close to some sort of breaking point. Yes I've tried talking to her but that is absolutely impossible - it just gets turned back in a tirade against me. I don't shout or retaliate. I try to 'feed' the problem and avoid conflict but at what cost to my own mental health? Our entire daily family life is compromised because of responsibilities to her yet she says I'm the bully and do little for her.

She needs a social services assesment through her GP - and don't let THEM bully you into caring for her either.

Honestly I could cry at the responses on here. I think I expected at least a few to say that I was very unkind and ungrateful.

Time to stop OP.
Time for you!
Time for your family.
Just take some time!!!!
You so deserve it.
She does not deserve your kindness.
Not every day OP!
Other areas of your life are suffering while you are guilt tripped and abused every day by your narc mother.
I assume you've done some reading on toxic mothers?
If not then amazon and google it!
Learn how to distance yourself.
YOU are not a professional health carer.
YOU cannot continue to do this as the detriment of your own mental health!
Your DC most certainly do not need to be around such a toxic person.
They should not be seeing their mother being abused.
Step back - get professionals in who know how to handle this sort of person!
Cry. Let it out. Then realise where you should be focusing your efforts!
You got this!

Your mother is and has been unkind and ungrateful.

My mother thought I owed her everything.

My children owe me nothing.

Enough is enough OP, I can completely understand how you feel. My mum has an acid tongue, everything was always my fault, constantly criticising me, I was never good enough, it is just so soul destroying.

We have been NC for many years best thing ever, should never have put up with it for as long as I did. I know I wouldn’t dream of ever treating my own children, like she did me. It all boiled down to jealousy if I am honest.

I don’t miss her or wish her harm, but I am pleased I am now longer controlled by her. No one ever goes NC with their mum, without very good cause. Do it OP, you won’t regret it I am sure, your mum won’t change.

Yep @Roselilly36 that sums it up. I'm just such a soft person that struggles to be assertive, certainly when it comes to thinking about what I need or want. Better at it when it comes to my kids.
A part of me also feels really sad that so much of my life and all of my youth has gone by now, spent on complying with what would keep the peace or make me happy. I don't even want to go down the path of thinking about what I'd really have liked my life to be like - certainly it would be radically different to how it is. Even though I am very happy with my life now in many respects.
What a time of year to be feeling like this as there is so much obligation to make sure everyone has a happy time and I don't want to disrupt usual plans but at the same time feel sick at the thought of spending time there. Contemplating a 'tummy bug'

Typo there - really haven't spent years on what I want!

I am a very soft person too, but I think having my own children, helped me to wise up, made me realise that her treatment of me was wrong, I understand when you are always made to feel you are always in the wrong, you believe it especially when the criticism is coming from your mum.

It’s not your fault OP, you can change your life. Wishing you all the very best.

All you can do then is vent on here OP, because it's clear you're never going to prioritise anyone above your Mother.. which is sad because your children deserve better, and they will not forget the priorities you made.

Sadly you're probably right @BumbleBeee69 I don't think my kids are suffering too much tbh other than the fact that I disappear off every day for a bit and we don't get many days trips and zero holidays but I guess that's not the end of the world. Plenty of people don't!

Kids have much better memories than we give them credit for OP.

Op,

Your kids now your mother is your first priority, not them.

It is so hurtful and sad to know you (your kids) were an afterthought for your own mothet (you)

You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse with your own kids. Is that what you want?

I know how hard is to break it. I have been NC with my narc parents for many years. It can be done. You just have to want to do it.

Know, not know

You're now making excuses and minimising all this OP. For what? An ungrateful person who is affecting your MH and enslaving you - with your compliance

"I don't think my kids are suffering too much tbh other than the fact that I disappear off every day for a bit and we don't get many days trips and zero holidays but I guess that's not the end of the world".

And by doing that to "help" your mother, you are further facilitating her abuse of you and in turn your children because they miss out on you as their mum. You are indeed perpetuating the cycle of abuse and toxic crap. Your children will remember the choice you made here in choosing your own mother over them and they will not forgive you readily if at all as adults for doing so. Your own relationship with them going forward could therefore become damaged beyond repair because they will not want to see or have anything to do with you.

Toxic crap like your mother has rained down upon you really does go down the generations. Do not do your bit here to ensure that the next generation in your family i.e. your kids become as messed up now because of your own misguided senses of duty, guilt and obligation to your mother.

"I believe that it's not right for anyone, however awful, to be left alone and lonely".

Would you have said the same about someone like for instance Stalin?.

And who taught you this belief?. You really have hung yourself by your own petard if you believe that.

OP ..what would happen if your husband had had enough of seeing you being destroyed on a daily basis and said right thats it me and the kids are going ..we arent living like this anymore..its her or us? What would you do? The reason I ask is it might not be happening now but you don;t know what is round the corner...my husband would say that if you were me...would you still choose her then? No I dont think you wouldso why wait til that day comes...Give yourself and your dh and kids the most amazing christmas ever by giving them you,You without stress. you with freedom to choose and shape all your lives in a positive way when you want and how you want...Start living..be free. We have such a short time on this earth...just think about it.

i think your children are probably much more aware and affected by the situation than you realise, or can bear to see; ie you are in denial, as that is the only way you can continue in this toxic stranglehold.
notice how you reduce the likely negative impact to loss outings etc, hedonistic indulgence by your children, as if they too are primarily motivated by what they can get out of you.
don't you think it hurts them to see you run ragged and suffering; it does because they love you. however young they are, they feel it.
I have read threads where grown ups lament that their mother was ill used by her mother/in law, mentally and physically exhausted, and they felt guilty that they could not rescue their dear mother from it, and eventually kind of distanced themselves emotionally, because it was too painful to see and feel close up. this can lead to depression.
you say looking back you feel your life has passed you by, do you want that to continue. time to take the reins and not be dragged around by an out of control beast. if it is too wild and dangerous then you need to flee, to come home to your children and husband in tact enough to live a creative and mutually nourishing life with them.

you could look up CoDA, a 12 step programme towards healthier ways of relating. good luck, and keep in touch with us who are rooting for you.

You spend a bit of every day there, and never go on holiday with your kids? The fact that your mother is happy with that says it all. It's all about her. Her, her, her. My mother is also abusive and while far from needing care, I keep contact limited as much as I can and will never allow myself to be in your position - I am ready and waiting with excuses (although working full-time and with young kids to look after also means excuses are easy to come by).

If you don't work, then I suggest you invent a job which means she can't rely on you. This is damaging for you, but also for your children actually.

My maternal grandmother was a bad narc mother.
My mother followed the same pattern and she was deep in the FOG of taking care of my grandma and also using it for martyrdom status - "you see, I am taking care of my eldery mother, it is the right thing to do!"
My father would fight with my mother because of it. My grandma would still win.

Growing up, I saw through all that since I was old enough to remember.
My grandma's favouritism, selfish and gossipy behaviour, etc. My mother would defend her mother instead of putting her kids first.
I have forgiven them both for my own sake but not forgotten.
My mother expected me to also take care of her and my father no matter what - after all, that's what my mother did, right? Payback time!
Nope! I don't owe them anything.

You are deluding yourself. Your kids know very well what's going on.
Don't be surprised when they talk to you about it and may resent you.

I hope at least your kids are able to get their priorities in check and do what is right for them.

There is a point where you are a victim but crosses to a volunteer.

You crossed it a long time ago

This is awful, you are being terribly abused. But what is just as bad is that you are repeating the cycle with your children. They have never had a holiday because you must see your mother every day? That’s horrific. They will really resent you when they grow up.

"believe that it's not right for anyone, however awful, to be left alone and lonely".

I agree, but! I'm in a similar position, though DM is more able at the moment, and I'm blessed with living 3 hours away!. She's self obsessed, relentlessly negative. She's not often actively abusive, it's more constant criticism and demands. Her friends are drifting away because she's such hard work- everything has to be on her terms. She thinks I have secret sources of information about our family- I don't, I just ask people how they are and listen when they answer.

I put boundaries in place- so work out what contact works for you and stick to it. Once a week seems fair to me.

And most importantly, don't ever expect a real relationship. She's not capable of it.

I was in your position with my dad two years ago.

When I was growing up I had a front row seat to his domestic violence towards my mum and then his subsequent partner. But he also made me witness a suicide attempt of his (when my mum finally filed for divorce) when I was 17 and that installed my guilt button.

He suffers from chronic back pain and painkiller addiction and he ran me ragged for years. He has never been online despite us as a family getting the internet when he was in his 50s. He simply refused.

He controlled me with sell-by dates. I would be sent to do his shopping and if I bought something without a long enough sell by date I would be berated. I would be a quivering wreck in sainsburys. This was how he argued that I could not do online shopping for him - as the dates wouldn’t be to his liking. He would blackmail me with suicide threats and got me to do all sorts with this - buy illegal drugs for him, smuggle painkillers into hospitals etc. I could write a book on it!

So in 2017 he went too far, upped the ante too far and pushed me to a nervous breakdown. He was offered carers but refused as he felt they would spot how many painkillers he was downing. He preferred to bully me to do it, but I got ill instead and went NC (with lots of support from DH and counselling). I literally ‘dropped the rope’ as I was more unwell than him at this point.

I’m two years NC now. I can’t believe it. I was the last one left too, he now has a neighbour who watches out for him. His sisters have had barely any contact with him for 20 years and I get the odd bullying voicemail from them.

I’m free. I do feel guilty and low sometimes but I’m not as destroyed as I used to be. My children understand.

I don't think my kids are suffering too much tbh other than the fact that I disappear off every day for a bit and we don't get many days trips and zero holidays but I guess that's not the end of the world. Plenty of people don't!

If that is because of your 'obligation' to your mother then it's really not fair.
Why does she come before them?

Have been dealing with my own narcissistic mother (alcoholic, mental health probs, major depressive) for my whole adult life, over 20 years. Reading this thread, so much resonates with me and I absolutely second all the advice above for you. I would say you defo need some more distance and boundaries but if NC seems a step too far you need to start by cutting daily contact to weekly at the very least. I haven’t allowed my mum to see my 4 year old DS for the past year as her crazy, manic behaviour scared him the last time he saw her and her alcoholism now makes her too unpredictable to take him when I visit. My mum regularly threatens suicide, cries on the phone, sends texts that are designed to manipulate and guilt trip me and is equally isolated like your mum (no one wants to know, not even her own sisters). I refuse to let her make me feel responsible for her loneliness but it is hard. I have to limit my contact to about once a month in order to manage her, so would say that every day in your case is absolutely far too much contact!
Start my reducing this. It will help minimise your stress and help you to compartmentalise the anger and pain that you feel.