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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I kissed my colleague at Xmas party

74 replies

Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 20:05

Have NCd for this.

Work overseas. On visa sponsored through employer. Professional role.

Married 3 years. Colleague married 10 years. Both happily married. Neither of us have kids.

We work in the same team (although we don't actually work on the same projects) and share an office.

We get on very well, good friends. Never see one another outside of work except when we've had a few boozy dinners with our respective spouses. All get along well. No texting outside of work etc.

Friday Christmas lunch. Boozy, obviously, and I have been on a huge M&A deal since September that's been utterly draining so it's safe to say I hit the champagne hard.

Went to pub after lunch along with rest of department. Fast forward a couple of hours and suddenly the bouncer said to me that I'd had enough and had to go. I remember clearly colleague and other colleagues trying to persuade him I hadn't done anything and to let me stay to no avail. Colleague left pub with me, we went to another.

This is all desperately hazy and I have no idea how this unfolded but I have a definite recollection of us kissing. Not just a peck.

Woke up at 1am at home and text colleague to ask how I'd gotten home. He said he'd ordered me an uber and I thanked him, told him my head was pounding and said I'd pay him back Monday.

Wtf do I do? I feel panicked and sick with guilt but I don't even know what happened.

My husband is an incredible man and I truly love him.

Please don't berate me for the booze, I know i had far too much to drink. It's not a normal occurrence and I won't be doing that again.

OP posts:
rvby · 22/12/2019 20:09

If hes said nothing just leave it. If you dont know what happened, you dont know. No one has to know that you think you kissed the guy. Take it on the chin, learn the lesson and move on.

You'll feel shit about it but the best apology is to change your behaviour and be a better person. Lay off the booze, take better care of yourself and recommit yourself to your family.

MMmomDD · 22/12/2019 20:16

What you do is not drink this out of control again.
You don’t know how you got home - and you surely don’t know what actually went on in the pub. That kiss may or may not have happened. And even if it did - you were clearly out of it. And your feeling bad for this - that most likely didn’t even happen is punishment enough.

So - sleep it off and carry on.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 20:17

I know we kissed, I keep having flashbacks. I just don't know how it came about. I don't know if i kissed him or if he kissed me. Whichever way, the other kissed back.

Should I just pretend it never happened?

I can't believe I've done this to my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 20:20

I know Momm, I know. Our circle of friends are all childless and I'd be lying if I said I was unfamiliar with a hangover. But Friday was just out of control. I know that and I'm ashamed about it.

OP posts:
Chancey1982 · 22/12/2019 20:22

I've had very very vivid dreams after a drunk night out and been unsure what was real and what was not. Just assume it was a flashback of a dream and forget about it! Don't mention it ever. X

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 20:30

But i remember where we were (pub, seated), I remember the lights (bright, weirdly).

I'm trying to forget it but I can't stop it bubbling back up.

OP posts:
DonaldTrumpsChopper · 22/12/2019 20:34

I absolutely would just pretend it didn't happen. Don't mention it to anyone and put it to the back of your mind.

justforthisnow · 22/12/2019 20:35

Process it, park it, move on. Or I like the dream option mentioned upthread.

Betteringmyself · 22/12/2019 20:41

We’ve all gotten a little too drunk OP! I’d say just take it as a lesson and don’t put yourself in the position again. Just forget about it an move on. It clearly didn’t mean anything

elmosducks · 22/12/2019 20:44

I also wouldn't say anything.

Just file it under ´fuuuuuck' and dont drink that much again

Josuk · 22/12/2019 20:47

OP -
Scenario 1 - kiss actually happened. Doesn’t sound like you had any latent attraction, so was really a stupid drunk thing.
You feel guilty and tell you H. This hurts him and damages your relationship. You work overseas - (not sure if your H is there with you or not) - but especially if you are long distance - this leads nowhere good.
H would probably manage to move on but the hurt will stay with him.

Scenario 2. Nothing actually happened and you are having a delirious fake memory. You are feeling guilty and tell your H. Things proceed as in Scenario 1, only for no reason at all.
Unless you actually carry some feelings for the colleague and want to confess to that and break up the relationship - there is absolutely no reason to hurt your H.
Carry your guilt on you.

And mostly - go easy on yourself. Seems that you aren’t perfect and are human.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 20:50

Thanks Josuk (and others).

We are not long distance, although we have been before without issue.

I keep asking myself would I want to know if I were my husband. I don't think i would but I don't know if I'm kidding myself.

OP posts:
Josuk · 22/12/2019 20:57

If in your heart you know you didn’t mean to kiss that guy - and if the same exact situation would happen in mirror image - and your H similarly had no feelings - just alcohol haze - imagine what it’d do to you if H told you. Lots of hurt and images in your head of that drunken kiss. That meant nothing.

That’s your answer, really

BeardedMum · 22/12/2019 20:59

Agree with the others. Never mention it and if the guy remembers it, pretend you don’t.

onanothertrain · 22/12/2019 21:01

But you did kiss that guy, doesn't matter your intentions. You've cheated. Imagine you found out your DH kissed a female colleague on his Xmas night out. Still think it means nothing??

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 21:09

I'm not a jealous person but if my husband said he had, or may have, kissed a colleague and then went to spend 16 hours a day in a room with her.... Urgh.

I know I've cheated or probably did. It's what I do about it. Thank you for the thoughts.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 22/12/2019 21:12

OP added with your flashbacks you have alcohol anxiety and guilt. I’d seriously never mention this to anyone. It might not have even happened. I once work up with a monumental hangover convinced I’d brought my dads friend back to my house and kissed him. Absolutely didn’t happen I now know but the next day I felt sick and was an absolute wreck. You will feel better tomorrow, I promise. Drinking that much is bloody lethal. I try not to get in that state any more. I’ll never forget how I felt that morning and I’d dreamt it. Seemed real at the time Blush

SecretWitch · 22/12/2019 21:13

I don’t mean to be harsh but this is on you. Why upset your husband over a kiss that you are not even certain happened?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/12/2019 21:14

Don’t say anything- u aren’t sure, you were so drunk you can’t remember, no good can come of saying anything. You don’t fancy your colleague. Tbh if I was your husband I wouldn’t want to know

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 21:17

I know this is cowardly and impossible to style as 'altruistic' but I do think it would be cruel to tell him. I think i need to self flagellate in private.

I'm just crawling with anxiety and guilt and I can't tell anyone - I honestly could live with the judgment and reproach but I couldn't bear humiliating him like that - I'd hate him to ever find out that people knew and didn't tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 21:20

I think that's why I'm telling mumsnet - I need to get it off my chest to someone who doesn't know him.

If one of my friends cheated on their spouse I would be angry on many levels, including because I wouldn't know how to look their spouse in the eye. If they confessed and were working through it I'd obviously support them wholeheartedly without judgment but if they told me just so they could privately unburden I'd be so mad.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 22/12/2019 21:21

You got so drunk you can't remember getting home in a taxi and you live abroad ? You should be thanking your stars you just had a drunken kiss with a colleague.

Chancey1982 · 22/12/2019 21:25

If it was sex and you fancy him. It's worth telling oh. If it's a kiss you're not even sure happened and you have no feelings forget it!

Sharkyfan · 22/12/2019 21:27

I think if you tell him then it would be to make yourself feel better and not for his benefit.
Just don’t ever speak of it when you see the colleague and it will be fine.

HollowTalk · 22/12/2019 21:33

I wouldn't say anything but I'd definitely keep an eye on your drinking. You were lucky that this happened with a colleague you like and trust - god knows what might have happened if it was someone who was less of a good guy.

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