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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I kissed my colleague at Xmas party

74 replies

Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 20:05

Have NCd for this.

Work overseas. On visa sponsored through employer. Professional role.

Married 3 years. Colleague married 10 years. Both happily married. Neither of us have kids.

We work in the same team (although we don't actually work on the same projects) and share an office.

We get on very well, good friends. Never see one another outside of work except when we've had a few boozy dinners with our respective spouses. All get along well. No texting outside of work etc.

Friday Christmas lunch. Boozy, obviously, and I have been on a huge M&A deal since September that's been utterly draining so it's safe to say I hit the champagne hard.

Went to pub after lunch along with rest of department. Fast forward a couple of hours and suddenly the bouncer said to me that I'd had enough and had to go. I remember clearly colleague and other colleagues trying to persuade him I hadn't done anything and to let me stay to no avail. Colleague left pub with me, we went to another.

This is all desperately hazy and I have no idea how this unfolded but I have a definite recollection of us kissing. Not just a peck.

Woke up at 1am at home and text colleague to ask how I'd gotten home. He said he'd ordered me an uber and I thanked him, told him my head was pounding and said I'd pay him back Monday.

Wtf do I do? I feel panicked and sick with guilt but I don't even know what happened.

My husband is an incredible man and I truly love him.

Please don't berate me for the booze, I know i had far too much to drink. It's not a normal occurrence and I won't be doing that again.

OP posts:
lilyrayne · 22/12/2019 21:42

Hi please don't fret too much, do you definitely remember kissing him ? X

AnotherEmma · 22/12/2019 21:59

Was your colleague as drunk as you were?
If you were both equally drunk, it was just a regrettable mistake.
If he was reasonably in control while you were extremely drunk, he took advantage of you.
So while I understand your guilt (and you do bear some responsibility for getting so drunk) you are also a victim IMO.

iforgotthatyouexisted · 22/12/2019 22:07

Honestly OP, don't tell him. You'd be doing it to make yourself feel better and if this was a drunken mistake and won't happen again then there's no point.

You honestly do not want to see the hurt in your partner's eyes when they hear what you've done. I know this from bitter experience.

PicsInRed · 22/12/2019 22:25

Unless the colleague was equally trashed, he took advantage. He's not a good guy for putting you in a taxi, he should have done that at the 1st location - where the bouncer was so concerned that he said you needed to leave. Did he do that? No, he moved you - alone - to a 2nd location and, in all likelihood, made his move on an incoherent woman. The fact that he transported you both to the 2nd location and also you home again, means he was far more coherent than you. I would consider you a victim and the events planned.

Re: your husband, you had no intent to cheat and have no feelings for the colleague. You love your husband and never intend for this to occur again, are in fact filled with horror. You're not even certain it actually happened.

Your husband is not a priest or your confessional. There's no danger to him, STD wise or marriage wise. Telling him would relieve your conscience, but rock his world to pieces and damage him in a way that only cheating victims understand. And, again, I believe your are highly likely to be a victim rather than a cheater.

Don't tell your husband. Stop drinking for a while then decide whether stopping altogether would be necessary or whether you are safe to drink small amounts with strict self limits and a self imposed curfew.

Finally, under no circumstances should you ever find yourself alone with that colleague again. He's not a good guy. In all likelihood, he's a predator wearing a fabulous nice-guy mask.

lilyrayne · 22/12/2019 22:27

Also have u text your colleague to confirm if it definitely happened or not as u can make it out like.. hows the head now ? I can't believe how unbelievably drunk We were on Friday I thought we had a Xmas kiss ! Lolll

Then see what his reaction is this will give u certainty if it happened or not then u can move on from it whatever happened. Trust me otherwise it can eat away at u the guilt. Or unless u know n u have had flashbacks .. then just never mention it or do it again.
I think even when stupid drunk we still know if we have cheated or not. There is so much emotion attached to it, so just learn n move on x

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 22:30

I know my colleague must have been v drunk also as we had been drinking for hours - all of us had. But he is a man so in general likely handles booze a bit better and I take the point that if he ordered me a taxi he was likely more coherent.

But please let's not call me a victim here. I need to own this mistake.

For all I know i pounced on him I literallydo not remember and that's what is driving me so crazy.

I kind of hope it was a weird drunk haze dream but in the pit of my stomach I don't think it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 22:31

I won't text him I'm literally going to be sat alone in a room with him in a matter of hours! I'm just going to say nothing and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 22/12/2019 22:33

Also wtf i can't text him that what if his wife ever saw?

OP posts:
Betterbegoing · 22/12/2019 22:39

Being honest here, I wouldn’t want to know if DH did this, as long as he took it fucking seriously and never got that out of control again. You regret it, you barely remember it, it may not even have happened (unlikely but still).

BoreOfWhabylon · 22/12/2019 22:39

You had a drunken christmas kiss. That is all. Don't tell your husband.

Put it behind you. Lesson learned.

LumpySpaceCow · 22/12/2019 22:42

I might be in the minority here but I think you need to chill out.
You are suffering with 'beer fear' which is making everything seem so catastrophic. You will feel much better tomorrow.
Just seriously forget about it and don't drink so much again. You are only human and you were pissed as a farm. He probably just wants to forget about it as much as you do.
Stop beating yourself up and enjoy Christmas Smile

LumpySpaceCow · 22/12/2019 22:42

*pissed as a fart not farm Grin

expatinspain · 22/12/2019 22:43

Put it out of your mind and pretend it never happened. Act normal with your colleague and pray they don't mention it. It will blow over and be forgotten after the Xmas break. Just don't drink that much again, as it leaves everyone open to doing stupid things they regret.

AnuvvaMuvva · 22/12/2019 22:44

You must've been absolutely wasted if a bouncer kicked you out of a pub on Christmas week.

So it's really quite skeevy that your colleague kissed you (or at least kissed you back) when you were that out of it.

I wouldn't beat yourself up. Honestly.

ShatnersWig · 22/12/2019 22:51

We’ve all gotten a little too drunk

Nope, never been drunk and I'm almost 46. I'm not tee total, I just never have more than two or three drinks over a night. I'd rather know what I'm doing.

AnotherEmma · 22/12/2019 23:03

PicsInRed made the point much better than I did! Agree with all that.

ShagMeRiggins · 23/12/2019 00:32

This is unfortunate but indicative of either:

  1. a dissatisfaction with your marital relationship;

  2. an unhealthy relationship with alcohol;

  3. an unhappiness with yourself;

  4. a work/life balance that isn’t working or balancing.

I’m astonished at the number of posters saying forget it, etc. You’ve been officially contrite, but if a male had posted this...?

You’re asking how to handle it. I don’t know, but for a start figure out what steps led you down this path, and at which step you faltered. That might be your clue, for yourself, because fucking hell, girl, you done wrong and you know it.

In the meantime, ignore your colleague and embrace your husband (who you say you love). If the grass seems greener, for whatever reason—and you do need to figure out that reason—water your own goddamn lawn.

Loveablers · 23/12/2019 00:55

I think the most important thing you should learn from this is that you drink too much

You admitted you aren’t a stranger to a hangover. Implying it happens often. Don’t get me wrong we’ve all been drunk, hammered even, but I’ve never been that drunk I’ve kissed someone else and have no idea how I’ve got home. Not only they but you’re in a foreign country OP - anything could’ve happened to you!

I’m not saying forget the kiss but at least learn from it. Use this as a reason to cut out the binge drinking and to not put yourself in that position again where you’re so out of control you don’t know how you got home.

Meshy12 · 23/12/2019 01:07

Agree that you shouldn’t tell your DH and you should own the guilt

Although I am a little surprised at the people saying : it was just a kiss and it means nothing

A kiss is a kiss - it’s not a handshake and may mean something - even if it’s just for attention from another man

I’m not saying OP is a bad person/wife ,.. but she cheated (if her memory is correct). So even though it was Mistake she should own it (as she is seeming to, to her credit)

If OP was a man I’m sure the comments would be very different

And agreed she shouldn’t tell her DH which would only cause him pain and ease her conscience

greenlynx · 23/12/2019 01:17

Forget it, behave as it never happened (because it’s never happened) and think carefully about your drinking.
Don’t discuss it with your colleague and if he’ll raise it himself just stick to: ‘Gosh, I was completely pissed off, thanks for putting me into taxi. Kiss? What kiss? No, don’t remember anything. By the way about this meeting tomorrow... ‘

BoxtheRight · 23/12/2019 02:06

It was, at the very, very worst, a drunken snog. You'll have beer fear and that will be making it feel worse.

This time next month, never mind next year, you'll wonder why you worried so much.

Don't tell your husband and forget about it.

DecemberSnow · 23/12/2019 02:12

I would ask your colleague what happened. When alone in the office, not via text

EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/12/2019 02:22

I would just pretend it never happened. I wouldn't tell my husband.

And I would cut down on my drinking.

sofato5miles · 23/12/2019 04:50

Hmm at the poster who made a snide remark about getting drunk abroad... yes, everywhere other than England's green and hallowed land etc

A great friend of mine did this ( also an M&A lawyer , as it happens).

I'll say to you what I said to her. Chalk it up and say nothing and do not indulge in talking about it to him and certainly not your DH. Avoid drinking near him and don't get that muntered with colleagues again. We can sometimes make horrendous choices but it does not define you. How you act next will. Don't apologise, don't explain. Just draw a CLEAR line.

Look tough, feel tough. and don't wear a hair shirt for too long.

cheesewitheverything · 23/12/2019 04:51

OP, you have given us a full and frank confession and you are clearly very sorry and repent fully. I think I will be speaking for the vast majority of MN vipers to say that you are absolved now. You can set your own penance. The power of MN declares that you do not need to speak of this ever again. Peace and love.