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Original poster

Pregnant very early on in relationship

77 replies

pebblepetal · 22/12/2019 13:59

I'm looking for some advice, maybe from someone who's been through something similar, try not to be too harsh, I'm aware of the not so clever choices I've made. I've been seeing this man for a few months now and have been official for just under two. Things were going well, we were taking things slow and just getting to know eachother untill I missed my period, I waited a while before finally taking a test a few weeks ago which was positive. I've let it sink in but I'm still not exactly sure what I want to do yet, I told him the same week I found out, he's told me he'll support me whatever I decide I want to do. We both have children, my daughter is 15 and he has two children, 8 and 5. My daughter knows I'm in a relationship but she hasn't met him, I am worried about how this will affect her, it will deffiently be a shock. I could see this working and the idea of having another child does sound nice but it's not an ideal situation and I'm not sure how we'll make it work.

OP posts:

Whatsthesmell · 23/12/2019 15:21

I fell pregnant around 8/9months into a relationship. Sadly we miscarried but we decided to try again, and again when that didn't work out. We are now married with two kids.
However I shouldn't have fell pregnant or turned my focus on getting pregnant so early. There is lots I've learnt about him since that might have changed my mind.
But then I do love the bones of him and our family but I do think it was a little much too soon to go multiple pregnancy loses and trying to conceive. It's a times been very challenging and at times I haven't been happy and only stayed because of the pregnancies/babies. It's working fab now though.

So what I'd say is it could work but most likely won't be easy.

Decide between the two of you what you want then if that's to do it together then it's time for everyone to meet.

OneForMeToo · 23/12/2019 15:32

That’s a big thing for your dd. Here’s my new bf by the way he has two children and I’m pregnant.

I couldn’t do it to mine. It’s all good and well those lovely stories of I got pregnant weeks in but those people didn’t have older children.

Thesearmsofmine · 23/12/2019 16:03

I fell pregnant on what was basically a one night stand(we had met before and been on a couple of dates). At the time we both lived with our parents and I was facing redundancy. We took it slowly and years on we’re happily married with 3dc, and have supported each other through some difficult times.

Of course it is more difficult with you both already having dc, you are the only one who knows your daughter, I think some teens would really struggle, others would take it in their stride. It doesn’t have to be a case of moving a man into her home etc, you can take it slowly.

Years ago I would have been one of the posters saying that I couldn’t have a baby in this situation and wouldn’t consider a baby until I had been with someone for years but as I get older I have realised that there is no telling, sometimes these situations work out and sometimes couples who have waited years have dc and that breaks their relationship. You just don’t know.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 23/12/2019 16:09

I got pregnant quickly with ds1 after about 2 months of seeing each other he left just after his first birthday for his ex gf. I have dc with dh and the experience is completely different having a child with someone who you know love and trust and know wont potentially leave you.

Brittany2019 · 23/12/2019 16:15

On the other hand, I got pregnant 4 months into a new relationship and had an abortion. The new relationship continued and we've now been together 10 years. We had our DD 4 years ago now, and even though we struggled to have her, I don't regret the earlier abortion at all.
I'm really glad I didn't go through with that pregnancy as I'm 99% sure that we wouldn't be together now if I had.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/12/2019 17:00

I agree with the poster who mentioned your daughter's GCSEs... would it be fair to inflict a screaming baby on her when she's trying to revise? Never mind the emotional impact.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 23/12/2019 17:09

I got pregnant around a month into a new relationship. Seemed a lovely bloke, we had an amazing time together etc. 9 years later, he's a drug dealing lowlife who nearly lost me my child and is banned by the courts from being within a certain distance of me and my child. So, no, it doesn't always work, and more than that, it can be an absolute shitshow from start to finish.

IamMaisie · 23/12/2019 17:18

Ive been talking about this with my sister who has a DD14 and is in a relatively new relationship, we were thinking about how she would handle it...

DN is very mature, she loves young children and babies, has always wanted a sibling and DSis talks openly with her about the man she is dating. DN really wants to meet him.

DSis thinks if she accidentally became pregnant, she would talk to DN about it. And she is convinced DN would want her to keep the baby.

Obviously, it depends on the child. DN is possibly an anomoly.

PumpkinP · 23/12/2019 19:32

Nice it’s worked out for so many: can’t say the same for me, got pregnant after a few weeks, turned out to be very abusive, had been to prison which I didn’t know! And has severe mental health issues. I have no contact with him now.

PumpkinP · 23/12/2019 19:38

SHould mention he has also been sectioned a couple of times. Really wish I knew what I was letting into my life but in my defence I was only 21 and quite immature at the time. I wouldn’t do it now.

Christmastree43 · 23/12/2019 20:46

My BIL and his gf fell pregnant after 3 months, their relationship is a car crash, cheating, screaming at each other, constant bickering, he disappears for days at a time etc, if it wasn't for the child they'd never be together now but they, well, she can't let him leave.

Only example I know in real life.

Everythingsr0sie · 23/12/2019 20:59

I had been with DH a couple of months when I found out I was pregnant, although neither of us had children already (both mid 20s)

It was a difficult few weeks but in the end I decided to keep the baby.
He’s 14 next month, has two siblings, we’ve been married 13 years and have a beautiful home and life.

It was very tough financially and we both had to grow up over night but we worked seriously hard at the relationship, our family, and our jobs.

I wouldn’t change a thing, DS1 is the best thing that ever happened.

PuffinSock · 23/12/2019 21:47

It may or may not work but I'd assume it wont, when you make your decision. I fell pregnant accidentally with a new boyfriend, in my 30s. I ended up choosing an abortion. It haunts me to this day, though I rarely cry anymore. However, I know having the child would have been disastrous, he turned out to be a manipulative, abusive loser as a single parent already it would have been very hard to go through life with him there and another child.

I'm so sorry, I dont envy your decision and maybe make a list to help you think clearly both ways

ForkThis · 24/12/2019 03:12

I was the teenage daughter in this scenario. It will affect her more than you think, probably well into her adulthood.

I’m in my 30’s and still really really angry. My teenage years were shit and ruined me.

Arrybaldi · 24/12/2019 06:11

Were there other problems growing up in addition to the baby @ForkThis? Or was the baby the cause of the issues?

ForkThis · 24/12/2019 06:21

Were there other problems growing up in addition to the baby @ForkThis? Or was the baby the cause of the issues?

I guess most of it was down to piss poor parenting, but I guess stuff that wouldn’t have otherwise happened if there was no baby if that makes sense?

Eg.

-Not being picked up from parties when I felt unsafe, as baby was sleeping.
-being left to fend for myself a lot of the time as baby was priority.
-No one caring where I was as busy with baby.
-being built in babysitter, even being made to take days off school to babysit.
-Having no peace and quiet to study, and eventually failing school and dropping out.

There’s many many more, but I’d be here all day.

Things like this didn’t happen before the baby came along, and my mother was decent. So I guess in my mind I’ve always just associated the baby with being neglected. Things were fine before she came along, but never recovered afterwards.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 24/12/2019 06:27

DH and I had been dating 3 months when I fell pregnant. Neither of us had DC. He definitely wasn’t my knight, but we’ve been married nearly 7 years and have 2 DC. To say it’s been hard would be an understatement, but I wouldn’t change it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/12/2019 06:30

My fear in this situation wouldn't so much be about being left as a single parent (though obviously that has its challenges) it would be more about being tied to a virtual stranger for the next 18 years. How do you know what he is really like? What if he turns out to be abusive or controlling? If you split up you might end up having to hand your baby over to this man eow. Are you ok with that?

AllThatPalaver · 24/12/2019 06:33

Teens and babies can happen in any family though not just blended. Our eldest was a teen and the second not far behind when our last was born. We are not a blended family though, they're all siblings to the same mum and dad. How the baby affects siblings blende or not can come down to parenting and support outside the family. My kids didn't get forgotten or left behind, because baby, we always got them on time or my mother assisted. There was support to rely on outside the two of us.

So the baby isn't always the problem in the older siblings being neglected. There was no "because baby" in this house even though there was a large gap. That's family dynamic dependant.

NearlyGranny · 24/12/2019 06:44

I think it depends how this happened, OP! Not wanting to be intrusive, but a conception due to an intimate partner who refuses or sulks about taking contraceptive responsibility is unlikely to make a responsible father.

I guessing you weren't TTC at the time, but contraceptive failures do happen. You hardly know him, but if you both step up it could work.

The third possibility is that you were being careless yourself either because you wanted to check your own fertility or secretly wanted another baby before it was too late. Either way you have what you wanted - knowledge or baby - and you can plann accordingly. He doesn't have to be a key part of your future in that case and the two of you need to talk about that.

How do you feel about it deep down - thrilled or regretful? Give yourself time to think long and hard.

Good luck.

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 24/12/2019 06:49

I agree the teenage daughter is the most important thing to consider here. I have a 15 yo dd, and 3 other dc including an 8 month old baby. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, though dd2is our first child, after many miscarriages. My dd1 has changed so much this year. The pressure from school is just insane, and dd2 has been a hideously difficult baby. I do feel guilty about the impact it’s had on her life and my time being so taken up by a baby who just won’t be put down. Which was a complete shock as none of the others were like that. Dd2 is gradually becoming easier but my time is still stretched very thin.

I don’t understand the idea that no one regrets a baby. I’ve seen it said many times on MN over the years. Of course it’s a massive taboo to even think it, but honestly babies aren’t always a blessing and people DO regret them. I love the bones of the little thing but my god dd2 has been like a bomb set off in our family. It won’t be so difficult forever but I can’t imagine my older dd having to deal with not just a new baby but also a new man so quickly. I imagine she’d resent the whole situation. I think you need to consider her needs above your own wants.

CatteStreet · 24/12/2019 09:31

ForkThis, I am sorry for your eperience, but most parents would balance the needs of an older and a younger child a lot better than your parents did. I don't think it's inevitable. I had my youngest when the older two were 10 and 8 and if they needed picking up from things, baby went along (or stayed with other parent). And I always know where my teen and preteen are and wouldn't dream of taking them out of school to babysit. That neglect you suffered was not just 'because' of the baby. I'm afraid the seeds were there beforehand.

OP, whatever you do, don't do as a PP implicitly suggested and allow your daughter to make this decision for you Much too much responsibility for a child to carry.

category12 · 24/12/2019 11:28

But OP may not have the support of other parent or family to help with those things. In which case it would be "and baby comes too" or teen missing out etc. With such a new relationship, the boyfriend might well fuck off never to be seen again.

AllThatPalaver · 24/12/2019 20:51

But OP may not have the support of other parent or family to help with those things. In which case it would be "and baby comes too" or teen missing out etc

And that is a choice the parent makes if they neglect other kids over the baby, not how it has to be because there is another baby.

When my husband was away and I was alone for a week at a time, I made it work with three other kids (8, 12 and 14 when baby was born) I didn't neglect them because I had a baby. I had to take the baby with me etc because that's what parents do unless they choose to prioritise one kid over others. Even when my parents weren't around at the time, which as they didn't live with me, they weren't unless pre organised.

The point was that the experience above was not a nice one, but how that parent chose to do it. Not how it will be done by all parents.

category12 · 24/12/2019 21:01

I'm not saying neglect is inevitable, by any means. But it would be a massive shift for a 15 yr old, only child.

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