Pregnant very early on in relationship

[pebblepetal]

I'm looking for some advice, maybe from someone who's been through something similar, try not to be too harsh, I'm aware of the not so clever choices I've made. I've been seeing this man for a few months now and have been official for just under two. Things were going well, we were taking things slow and just getting to know eachother untill I missed my period, I waited a while before finally taking a test a few weeks ago which was positive. I've let it sink in but I'm still not exactly sure what I want to do yet, I told him the same week I found out, he's told me he'll support me whatever I decide I want to do. We both have children, my daughter is 15 and he has two children, 8 and 5. My daughter knows I'm in a relationship but she hasn't met him, I am worried about how this will affect her, it will deffiently be a shock. I could see this working and the idea of having another child does sound nice but it's not an ideal situation and I'm not sure how we'll make it work.

There is absolutely no way at all on earth I would chain myself to a man for the next 18 years (or life) without knowing him absolutely inside out and trusting him to be a good, kind, decent, honest, man who will contribute to raising a happy, loved child.

I have friends tell me all the time how "lucky"I am to have a husband that respects me and the kids and does 50% of the parenting who I love just as much 15 years on as our wedding day and its not luck in any way.

Do not have children with someone until you know they are going to make a decent father. Just read a few threads on here if you want to see how horribly wrong it can go for the woman and children when you have babies with a guy who turns out to be a shit in one way or another.

It's so unfair on your daughter too. how awful to even consider throwing a random surprise baby from a strange (to her) man she's never even met. Yuck. Surely you want to at least find out how he acts towards your own daughter before you even consider having a child with him! Wow. What if he doesn't get along with your daughter? What if he just doesn't like her or she him? What if they argue or he tries to freeze her out? Or even he is sexual or sleazy towards her? I mean you just don't know. He could be fine and wonderful but reading on various relationship forums there's also a damn good chance he is not.

I genuinely cannot understand how there is even a choice here.

I could have written your post but exchanged the current DCs to being only 19. We kept the baby and DD is nearly 6. We’re married now and TTC. From the moment we started going out, I felt that my DH was it for me. Now, 7 years on, I still feel like he is all I’ll ever need. That could change in the future but that’s true of any relationship.

I got pregnant within three months of meeting my partner and we are now married (and have been for several years now!) with two children and still so happy, and having my first was the best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life! My best friend got pregnant very early on too and they split but remained on really good terms and co-parent brilliantly together - not being together long almost worked to their advantage as there wasn’t years of bitterness or anger to cause problems and they’re very much like great friends. I think MN is maybe a bad place to ask as I’ve personally found it to be VERY conservative and old fashioned regarding marriage and babies - people are quite judgemental when others aren’t married, ina way that I’ve never known anyone to be in the real world. And MN time frames are also crazy - they expect people to have been together for like five years before even considering marriage and then longer after that before kids! So don’t base your decision too much on what posters on here say. If you think having another baby would be nice then go for it. Your daughter will be fine.

I think it’s super weird how people are shocked he’s not met your daughter. I thought the general rule on MN wasn’t to let boyfriend meet your kids for a long time . Sometimes these things work OP sometimes they don’t & I think it’s a stressful time either way. My cousins recently had a baby from a one night stand, she’s not with the man but he visits every other night, pays his way & it’s working up his confidence on having the baby over night. My friend fell pregnant a couple of months into a relationship they’ve been together 3 years now. My neighbour had a baby with her boyfriend of 3 years and split up before the baby was even born. Do what is best for you & your life, I think you and your boyfriend need to chat about what will happen if you keep the baby how you imagine it working & how you’ll feel about having an abortion. Good luck xx

People aren't shocked that the boyfriend hasn't met the teenaged daughter yet. It's the impact of an unplanned pregnancy to a stranger on the teenager. I'd have thought that would be obvious.

If op chooses to have the baby, it's the dd's homelife that gets disrupted, sharing attention and resources in her gcse years, possibly with the relationship with this bloke and his dc being fast-forwarded.

Whilst it might be “nice” for you it’s going to have a huge impact on your daughters life at a time where she’s going to need a lot of support and guidance.

Does she have a good relationship with her father and is she an only child on that side so that she can retreat if she needs/wants too. I know a lot of older children who change residency due to fast new relationships, babies etc.

Given you barely know him the chances of it working out are slim. Can you afford to finance two children alone? You should also get checked out if having unprotected sex with a new partner.

I got pregnant 5 weeks after I met my now husband. We're still together 14 years later and have 2 children with another on the way. Obviously it wasn't ideal but if it's meant to be then it's meant to be

I couldn't have a baby with a man I barely knew.

This was me, 4 months in and I got
Pregnant with my eldest (now 12), we decided to give it a go and lasted about 6 years. We got married etc during that time and has a second.

We are actually quite good friends now, and parent together well and the kids benefit from us being so amicable.

That sounds quite difficult.

I think a 15 year old would have a shock about their mum falling pregnant to a new man they have never met. It is such a diverse stage for adolescents so it would be hard to predict how she will see it and react to it.

How has she handled previous relationships and boyfriends you have had?

I’d suggest continue taking things very slow. I wouldn’t move in with him and I would set myself up as a single parent and see how things go slowly.

His side of things will also be difficult with 2 younger children to care for so I think his attention will also be divided.

I got pregnant after seeing DP for 5 months, we're 10 years and 3 kids deep now!

Would this have been part of a longer term plan for you anyway - was a new partner, 2 step children and a new baby how you wanted your life to evolve. Start from there.

Then consider what life changes come with this housing, impact on your career long term and finances. What preparations / compromises do you need to make for a) if the RS goes the distance or b) you are a single parent.

Consider your DD and your RS with her.

It seems like a blind leap of faith but if it’s what you really really want and can do it alone then without negativity impacting your DD then proceed with caution. It might all work out.

Or if it’s what you really really want but the timing is wrong and abortion is an option for you consider that, build the RS, let your DD get through her GCSEs and try again later if the RS grows.

It's not happened to me but I think you don't have to make all the decisions at once. Decide about the baby, take your relationship one day at a time, we are no longer in a time when you have to marry.

The honest answer here is that there is no telling the future, you could have been together 5 years having planned this pregnancy and it still not work out. He sounds supportive though which is good. With regards to your DD, I still wouldn’t rush to much involvement or change upon her. If you think he is a genuine good bloke then you can think about introducing them, but slowly. You don’t need to rush him moving in and blending families just because you are pregnant. If anything I would suggest you keep to your original plan of still taking it slowly, things will work out better if you don’t rush it or force it and allow the DC a gradual adjustment.

I say this as someone who also got pregnant early on in a relationship. We met in April, in a relationship by September, pregnant in February. We got a house together over the summer and baby was born in October, we had been together just 13 months when DD1 was born. 16 and half years later we are still together and have DD2 & 3.

Personally, I think the decision has to be made based on current DC. Not necessarily how they feel about it but the impact on their quality of life.

Ultimately, whether they have a sibling or not isn't up to them, but in a situation such as this would it be right to proceed with a pregnancy if it meant things such as...

• having to give up clubs/activities because money is tighter
• will they be expected to babysit or help because you've gone ahead knowing the relationship is unlikely to last and you're a single parent to a baby
• having to live with a virtual stranger because the relationship gets accelerated
• if later on the pregnancy becomes high risk, or child has additional needs, the demands on your time and loss of your income

Obviously, these are things that can impact any family, but they're things I've been thinking about myself. I'm pregnant to partner of 5 years and have DD who is 8. She's never been massively keen on the idea of a sibling. I'd never allow her to make that decision for me but at the same time, I feel she didn't ask for me and her dad to split, and all the things that come with that, I didn't want to have another baby until I knew it wouldn't impact her negatively.

I got pregnant after being with my partner 4 months, our DD is now nearly 2 and we’re engaged and very happy :)

I guess what it comes down to is: which will you regret more, having a baby, upending your life and possibly ending up a single mum to a teenager and a baby; or having an abortion? I don’t think there’s a wrong answer, you just need to be prepared for all possible outcomes.

My DH and I got married to our ex's because we both ended up in a situation similar to yours. We both regretted it. When we met we were both sure we didn't want to make the same type of mistake. A couple of years later weve just welcomed our first

I think much of the advice you've been given has come from people whose circumstances weren't actually that similar to yours - the question you should have asked was "Has anyone had a baby with a new partner when they already have a child from a previous relationship and that child hasn't even met the new partner yet?" I appreciate you wouldn't have got as many responses from personal experience, but it seems a little dishonest to leave your dd out of the initial question when it might have had a big impact on how people answered.

Personally, I think it would be unfair to move a man into your home after knowing him for only two months, and expect your daughter to be OK with it. I'm not saying he won't turn out to be a decent man and a good dad, and perhaps they'll get on like a house on fire, but what if he doesn't and they don't? The fact is, you simply don't know him well enough to make that judgement.

If you only had yourself to think about, I am sure all the stories about people getting pregnant on the first date "and 50 years later, we're happily married with 32 children" would be very heartwarming. As it is, I think you need to moderate them somewhat with the fact that there is a 15 year old girl in the picture who you have to put before what you think would be "nice".

Lasted 7 years with mine, we have 2 kids together and are separating next year. I don't regret having my children when I did at all, but I do wish I'd tried less to make the relationship work. It was obvious from very early on that we were not compatible but I've been forcing the relationship now for years.
If you can get yourself into a mindset where the relationship working is a bonus and you can come to terms with just being a single mum then keep the baby for yourself. Having support elsewhere obviously helps though. I have no other support so became focused on making things work with DP.
At the end of the day if you keep the baby, you are very unlikely to regret it are you? Jist be prepared for the financial, emotional and practical strain if you choose to go it alone.

We had been together for 4 months when I fell pregnant.

Your 15 year old will deal with the shock, they are more resilient than you think. Just make sure that your children remain you priority as opposed to the relationship for a while.

Your 15 year old will deal with the shock, they are more resilient than you think

Will she?
Are they?
Or is that just a comfortable place from which to comment?

Only the OP knows her daughter to date and even she can’t predict the short and long term consequences for her DD. Only thing she can do is prepare for worst and hope for the best if she chooses to go ahead.

Oh @gutterton how dramatic 🙄
I work with children who have terminal illnesses, nowhere to call home, their parents are drug addicts etc.

Her mum is having a baby... big wow.

Provided her daughter is loved, supported and has a stable family home, she will be absolutely fine.

Shielding children from every road hump in life is not going to give them resilience. The poster clearly cares for her daughter as she centres this post on how she might feel about it in the first place. I sense that she is willing to consider her daughter hugely in this and love and support her along the way.

I'm just thinking about a 15 yr old girl who's presumably coming up to her gcses, finding out her mum's up the duff to some boyfriend she's barely heard of. And her potentially being expected to cope with a new baby in the house

This, times a million.

@Arrybaldi

She’s not just potentially having a baby. She’s bringing in a man who her daughter does not know and may not even like. She’s bringing in a whole new dynamic and relationship that isn’t yet strong. She’s bringing in “step-children”. Don’t minimise it.