An old school friend

[1goodguy]

Hi, I am currently in the closing stage of seperating from my wife after a 14 month struggle.We have been together 20 years and 2 great kids but she had an affair and so it's unacceptable and relationship ended.
So...I'm on Facebook 2 months back and spot a lady from my school class 30 year's ago...I send my friend request.
She accepts and we start chatting maybe once,twice a week via messenger.
So...it turns out,she has seperated exactly same time as me,her husband had an affair and it ended.
Our online chatting gets more and more regular,we communicate really well and now we chat every day.
This lady, I've fallen for her badly!
She's beautiful,witty,smart and funny.
Only yesterday,I met her for first time in 30 year's.
She works evenings in a bar along with her daily job to make ends meet.
Although it was very busy...we banter with each other and yes..I like this lady a lot but....I think she's not ready for anything as she's been badly hurt.
My hurt is over and since meeting her online,we have become great support to each other but I would so love to have her more permanent in my life but, I'd hate to loose her friendship.
What do I do?
She's such a great woman and she has gained my respect and admiration.
I actually met another lady in the bar later that evening,just casually chatting as I was there alone and basically she wanted to see me but I didn't go through due to how I feel about my old class mate.
I don't want to miss the opportunity,I think I've made my old class mate quite content upon meeting her,she was beaming when I entered the bar at me....how do I get the girl!!

You need to calm down. You'll scare her away if you try to speed up the pace and she's not ready yet. I appreciate it's exciting and you really like her but coming across over eager will turn her off.

Continue chatting and meeting when she wants to and let her lead the pace.

Also less of the pat on the back for not going off with someone else in the meantime, really. I know you are male and all but you don't need to shag anyone who shows the slightest interest. Also, whatever you do don't tell your new friend about it either, if you genuinely like and respect her.

I don't think the op was patting himself on the back at all. I think it's an indication of his feelings for his old friend.

Op, she's just out of her relationship as well and likely needs some time to get over that. Take it slow. If she likes you back you will know and won't miss the boat.

Are you living separately from your wife? Sorted arrangements financially and for the DC? Are you “over” the ending of your relationship, setting aside your excitement about new people, and OK about being single?

If not, best address those things before focusing on dating.

Where does your former schoolmate live? If local, or within reasonable time to meet up, ask her out. If far away, this would be likely to cause issues for both of you and your families long term, so best not go down that road!

My old classmate lives in a neighbouring town ten miles away.
A little insight...I've 2 teen daughters...she has 3 teen daughters.
I am still in the home with my ex but in January the house goes on the market and we are done. I have no feelings for my ex,it's a current living arrangement...trying to not upset kids before Xmas.
I did go through a period this year 6 months back I had a couple of one night stands...that's out of my system now.
Yes..I could have been off last night with that ow....I chose not to pursue even though she is a very attractive woman...my mind's focussed elsewhere.
Signals I pick up...my classmate had an Xmas work party 2 weeks back,she sent me a selfie of herself all glammed up and she's sent me selfies before when she's all glammed up.
In the bar Friday night..when I ordered a vodka from her...she made it double vodka 😊
I was asked to the bar as there was a band playing,I'm a music fan and she recommended I go just to let everyone know I didn't drop by because I knew she would be there...I was there on her recommendation.
This lady takes me back to being 16 again but as said....this needs handled very carefully if it's going to succeed...fingers crossed

Do your DC know you and your wife are splitting up?

Is the divorce/financial settlement in train?

If not, dating shouldn’t be your priority.

What's DC mean? The classmate fully knows my situation. She knows I'm still in the family home.ive been to my solicitor...divorce...I don't care if I ever divorce as long as I get seperated...never plan to marry again... marriage is just a legal contract on paper imo.
People divorce if they wish to remarry...I know people seperated 20 years that are still legally married.
If my ex wife wishes to divorce...yes..she can.
It works differently in UK...the party that wants the divorce pays for it and it ain't cheap...legal separation is the way I'm heading

DC means your children. Do your children know you’re breaking up? Have you agreed about money and where they will live/how many days a week you will have them?

Odd and incorrect views about marriage. It has many legal and financial implications, whatever you, your wife and any future partners might decide about remarrying.

Each to their own on marriage...it's a piece of paper imo.
I know unmarried couples that have stood the test of time...maybe UK culture is just much more different.
Kids get told after Xmas but when you sleep in different rooms at night...I'm sure they know how it's going.

Your teens don’t know you’re separating. They will be upset and be moving house. You haven’t said how they will split their time. They will need time and support.

focusing on dating isn’t great in your circumstances. Focus on parenting and the practical aspects of splitting up and all your new set up.

Plenty of time to date later.

I want 50 50 on my kids...no bargaining on that.
Asset's...there's a family home...it gets sold and cash divided...that's it.
I plan to relocate remains local for kids school etc,I also have family close by.
My family and hers know we are seperating...only the legalities to do and that starts in January.
Kids will be upset having to move but they will bounce back...better in a healthy environment than a toxic one imo.
ATM...I need a loyal friend...this lady has proved that and I'm doing same for her.
One cannot help how they feel...I didn't seek her out... fête...it just happened.
I would like to keep her attention on me though as I do feel there's one big spark between us.
Our personality's are very similar,we are both of a bubbly confident nature.
Just gotta go with the flow I suppose

My ex wife...a little more insight.
The relationship has not been good for years tbh.
I did catch her online 6 years ago on an affairs website and after much thought...decided one more chance but then last year I saw her phone messages to om and caught her at his house and yes she was having sex with om.
It's a no brainer for me... unacceptable behaviour....I don't play second fiddle to another man.
I tried to make her leave, spoke to solicitor who said I cannot legally toss her out...she broke moral laws but not UK law having an affair so...one option.
His advice...sort out the children,sell house then if you want to go for divorce get divorced or just remain seperated with no divorce.
Btw....I have no religious views and marriage is not something I consider as being a religious vessel

“No bargaining” about where the DC live? Does your wife agree? The DCs’ wishes will matter too. It’s not in their interests for you to be dating while or immediately after you all move. Doing so would be selfish and likely to their detriment.

Are you even sleeping in separate rooms?

Lots of break ups are not a straight split of assets.

You don’t know this new woman well at all, you’re in the first flush of attraction. You’re making assumptions about what she’s like. She isn’t a friend: you’re interested in her romantically. She has her DC to consider too.

Whether you divorce after two years or so or not you’ll need to agree on money and the DC: doesn’t sound like you’ve started that process.

I went through my full schooling with this woman so...I do know her well.
The kids time will be split between my home and with their mum 50 50...I stand firm on that...of course if that's the children's wishes.
Yes...seperate beds here now for a year.
Regarding a new partner...I seek companionship....it's been missing in my life for years...I'm not after a FB and I don't think I'm being selfish as I've been a punch bag for years.
One does deserve to be happy

There are a lot of double standards here in the replies. I'm not sure if it's because the OP is male. The OP was asking about advice on this matter not telling him what he should do about his divorce/marriage/kids

@1goodguy take your time with your old school friend. Don't rush anything and just enjoy each other's company. You don't know if the feelings are reciprocated and the last thing you want to do is assume that just because you two are talking it means she wants anything more than friends. The last thing you want to do is put all your eggs into one basket. As you may get disappointed.

Yes Tallulah....I am very wary about that.
Don't wanna blow it up to be let down.
Time shall tell.
I also have to see it from her perspective...she sees me as a man that although not emotionally attached to his former partner...still resides with them for the short term now so...yes...that doesn't look great as I well know.
I'm at the stage I want my own place away from my ex wife and the sooner...the better

Rubbish. A woman still living with her ex whose DC weren’t aware their parents would be breaking up would not be advised by many MN posters to get dating!

If your wife disagrees with your wishes about money or the DC you will need mediation or court.

Knowing someone 30 years ago does not mean you know the woman you’re interested in at all now. If she is and is into you she’ll wait until you have your own place and DC have had some months to adjust to the breakup and house moves to date you.

@1goodguy this is a uk site, not sure why you keep mentioning uk law?
Also why do your kids not know yet you’re planning to sell their home ASAP and insisting on 50:50.
If you care about them that much then surely they need preparation before you sell their house from under their feet?
You sound a bit self obsessed atm...
I’ve been to school and met my ex pupils years later, they are NOT the same children I went to school with

So set the kids straight now and become the Xmas Grinch ! Great idea not!
Everyone seems to stray off topic on this thread for some reason!

Waiting til you’ve both agreed to tell the DC is fine. Pursuing other women before your Dc are aware the separation and house sales are happening is not.

Your living and parenting situation is not “off topic”. Parents seeking to date new people should be single and living independently of their ex, and it doesn’t benefit DC if their parents, even before separating, prioritise dating.

You may think you “deserve” a fresh romantic relationship, and can have that. But pursuing it right now, when your DC are about to be hit with a lot pf negative change, would be very selfish.

When you have been a punch bag as long as I have,humiliated etc etc...I don't stand for that or take it.
It's happening but that's not what the threads about.
How I handle that is my buisness only and I'm not here for seperation advice...thanks but no thanks folks.
Everyone has their own rule book and I've mine and getting kids out of this toxic environment is top of the to do list as my solicitor advised.

Honestly, I think it does sound like she probably does like you, but needs some time. You sound like you like her very much, but you need a bit more time due to the fact your children don’t even know you’re splitting from their mother! Just keep chatting and getting to know each other but don’t push for meeting up etc until into the new year, once you’ve told your kids and you’ve gauged how they feel about it. You’ll jeopardise your relationship with them if they feel you’ve moved on too quickly, and you’ll be the bad guy, unfair as that may seem.
Also, you may feel you know her, but you just refer back to having spent your school days with her, 30 years ago, and people change immensely in that time. Treat it as a new connection.

Betterbrgoing...best reply yet.
I agree...I am keen,I think she is too but slow slow slow.
She has confided in me about lots of personal info and I have confided in her but...our conversations have moved beyond that and heading a little flirty now.
I understand,she also does not need any headache or let down and a natural defence mechanism kicks in,same for us all in a way in situations like this.
My kids,they know what's going on...I'm sure.
I was always and will be a good dad for them to the best of my ability.
When you have been treated badly for so long...comes a time you just say stuff this