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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An old school friend

61 replies

1goodguy · 22/12/2019 05:51

Hi, I am currently in the closing stage of seperating from my wife after a 14 month struggle.We have been together 20 years and 2 great kids but she had an affair and so it's unacceptable and relationship ended.
So...I'm on Facebook 2 months back and spot a lady from my school class 30 year's ago...I send my friend request.
She accepts and we start chatting maybe once,twice a week via messenger.
So...it turns out,she has seperated exactly same time as me,her husband had an affair and it ended.
Our online chatting gets more and more regular,we communicate really well and now we chat every day.
This lady, I've fallen for her badly!
She's beautiful,witty,smart and funny.
Only yesterday,I met her for first time in 30 year's.
She works evenings in a bar along with her daily job to make ends meet.
Although it was very busy...we banter with each other and yes..I like this lady a lot but....I think she's not ready for anything as she's been badly hurt.
My hurt is over and since meeting her online,we have become great support to each other but I would so love to have her more permanent in my life but, I'd hate to loose her friendship.
What do I do?
She's such a great woman and she has gained my respect and admiration.
I actually met another lady in the bar later that evening,just casually chatting as I was there alone and basically she wanted to see me but I didn't go through due to how I feel about my old class mate.
I don't want to miss the opportunity,I think I've made my old class mate quite content upon meeting her,she was beaming when I entered the bar at me....how do I get the girl!!

OP posts:
Betterbegoing · 22/12/2019 10:42

All sounds promising, and I think you’re right to take it slowly.
Your kids may have twigged that something is going on but please don’t underestimate the necessity for you and your wife to be honest with them. They may well have assumed something is adrift but I feel like you both owe them the decency of telling them straight before making any big moves in terms of living arrangements and relationship choices

ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 10:46

how do I get the girl
This is real life, not a film. This woman is a person in her own right, with feelings and wishes of her own. She is not a prize to be won by the hero of the story because he deserves it.
Have some respect for her. Ask her out. If she says no, accept that and leave her alone.
It sounds like you have expressed an interest already and she has politely turned you down, saying she's not ready for a relationship. You have decided that you don't like this answer and that you can change her mind with the right words or actions. You can't. Respect her boundaries. Respect her right to say no. If you want to keep the option open for a relationship in the future, ask her to contact you when she is ready for a relationship and then leave her alone.
Lots of women are uncomfortable saying "I'm not interested in you romantically" because they are socialised to think this is rude or unkind (and they often get abuse for being honest and direct "what a bitch" etc). So many women will soften this message by saying things like "I just don't want a relationship right now". Sometimes men take this as "she's interested in me but not ready to act on it yet" and they continue to pursue her, hang round, expecting a relationship to happen. Don't.
A relationship is not about what you want or deserve. It's a mutual thing. If you really listen to what this woman is saying it is not "I'm interested" is it? It's a "I don't want to hurt your feelings but no thank you". Leave her well alone. If she starts to pursue you, you know she's interested and you start a relationship. If not, you've got your answer and you haven't wasted your time or dignity or come across as a stalky weirdo who can't take no for an answer.
I really hope this helps you see a woman's perspective.

outherealone · 22/12/2019 10:52

*ISmellBabies

how do I get the girl
This is real life, not a film. This woman is a person in her own right, with feelings and wishes of her own. She is not a prize to be won by the hero of the story because he deserves it.
Have some respect for her. Ask her out. If she says no, accept that and leave her alone.
It sounds like you have expressed an interest already and she has politely turned you down, saying she's not ready for a relationship. You have decided that you don't like this answer and that you can change her mind with the right words or actions. You can't. Respect her boundaries. Respect her right to say no. If you want to keep the option open for a relationship in the future, ask her to contact you when she is ready for a relationship and then leave her alone.
Lots of women are uncomfortable saying "I'm not interested in you romantically" because they are socialised to think this is rude or unkind (and they often get abuse for being honest and direct "what a bitch" etc). So many women will soften this message by saying things like "I just don't want a relationship right now". Sometimes men take this as "she's interested in me but not ready to act on it yet" and they continue to pursue her, hang round, expecting a relationship to happen. Don't.
A relationship is not about what you want or deserve. It's a mutual thing. If you really listen to what this woman is saying it is not "I'm interested" is it? It's a "I don't want to hurt your feelings but no thank you". Leave her well alone. If she starts to pursue you, you know she's interested and you start a relationship. If not, you've got your answer and you haven't wasted your time or dignity or come across as a stalky weirdo who can't take no for an answer.
I really hope this helps you see a woman's perspective*

This. With Christmas bells on

Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 12:11

Errrr....nobody's turned nobody down just yet to just keep you in perspective on this.
Oh...btw...it was her idea to ask me to drop by the bar she works in...just to set you straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 12:24

And funnily enough...I received messages from her the following day and all good I add

OP posts:
Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 12:59

However....I'm backing off as it's a busy time of year,single mum,3 kids working 2 jobs.... time to back off and let everything level off a while
Call it push / pull technique
And no...I'm not a player either btw just a positive kinda guy

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2019 13:04

Wanker technique.

Carblover · 22/12/2019 13:34

I do get what your saying and do think you've been badly hurt and have now jyst had enough and just want to move on to new life but unfortunately it's never that simple
I am sure you don't mean to but you do come across brusque and abrasive, its now going to he your way or the highway attitude ,but as others have said its not just what you want and your children may already suspect but they may have their own views on things,its time to sort out your stuff and deal with your separation , be free and clear before embarking on a new one
If she's keen she will wait and you will both be starting fresh with clean slates which is a much better position for both of you and your children
Good luck for the future I'm sure you're not really interested in MN'rs opinion even though you've asked for it as you're going to do what you want anyway but I really do hope it works out for you
A marriage break-up is never easy for anybody or as simple to effect as you might think

thickwoollytights · 22/12/2019 13:35

Wait

Stop rushing because you are ready

Firstly - wait for your children to catch up with what's happening

You say they will bounce back. Good grief - have some respect for them and their feelings

Tell them (at a time agreed with your wife) and be there for them through the emotional and physical upheaval

Once your children are on track and they understand and accept what's happening - marriage break up , their home being sold etc - then perhaps you could ask the class mate out.

But don't rush at this because you feel ready

Your children come first - they are the priority here

Carblover · 22/12/2019 13:36

Idid put in parahraphsBlush

outherealone · 22/12/2019 13:47

Push pull technique = Envy vomit technique
Sounds a bit pick up artist

Dozer · 22/12/2019 14:09

The DC suspecting something is awry is just the start for them. They will have a strange xmas then soon after be told everything is going to change. They will need time and attention as they deal with their feelings.

Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 14:12

Ever hear the term...absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Again again and again...op being totally side tracked and taking a different tangent

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 22/12/2019 15:09

Tis the way of chat threads

That said, if you have been breaking up for 14 months, having one night stands 6 months ago why on earth haven't you told your kids yet?

You should absolutely put any thoughts of a new relationship out of your mind until separation, moving out, custody, financials etc are settled and your kids have gotten used to it all. Anything else isn't fair on the other woman (who you don't know, none of us are anything like we were at school) or them.

Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 15:47

Why were they not told when my wife was getting jiggy with a stranger?
No point turning this on me.
She broke the vow so that makes it a free for all imo.
I most certainly was not going to be a grovelling weed!
When the for sale sign is about to go up on the house...that's the time to tell them...no point causing premature worry to them imo.
I am visiting an estate agent next week to get the wheels in motion and when a date of sale is sorted...I'm away and with my kids too so I can restart my life.
I wear no ring,haven't in over a year...I'm not proud of my bed hopping but needs are needs and the recipients also had needs too so it was mutually beneficial but a quick fling...not for me..it suited at that time.
Look on it as morally wrong if you must but....you gotta remember who cast the first stone!
The kids will be told very soon and try to make it an easy transition and as pain free as possible.
They know that their parents both love them dearly and I will be within a 5 mile radius off them.
It is what it is and nobody can blame me for wanting out of the marriage.
I'm assuming you're female...if you're hubby was getting it on...you definitely wouldn't stay!

OP posts:
RedRec · 22/12/2019 15:51

You sound like my defensive, excuse-making brother.

Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 16:02

And who are you to judge?
Can you answer plz

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 16:28

"who are you to judge?"
Dude. This is a forum. You literally posted on here for people to judge your situation and reply. We're the audience you invited.

category12 · 22/12/2019 16:34

If you like this woman, don't play stupid mind-games and be a decent human being towards her. Ask her out like a normal person.

thickwoollytights · 22/12/2019 17:10

No point turning this on me.

But you're the one asking whether you should 'get jiggy' with class mate.

I'm saying wait and do your children the courtesy of telling them what's happening

Dozer · 22/12/2019 17:20

Up to you and your ex what you tell the Dc about the reason(s) for the break-up: nothing wrong with telling them about the affair, in a factual way.

Your actions now are a separate matter. This is about your DC not your ex. It’d be poor parenting to date before / while your children are told about and adjust to their new situation.

Original poster
1goodguy · 22/12/2019 17:28

I won't be telling my kids their mum had an affair,I wouldn't want them to turn against her...i will protect them as best I can.
Yes...I am going to ask this lady out after new year when the hospitality trade she works in starts to unwind.
ATM...being Christmas season...she works every night but I'm asking her out as a friend and nothing more to see how it goes.
If it goes well and she is happy...we will do it again

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 22/12/2019 17:28

I agree @Dozer

Dozer · 22/12/2019 17:33

You don’t want her as a “friend”.

New year is barely any time at all after telling the DC. Unless you hide it very, very well and lie to your DC they will find out you have a new girlfriend, and be upset about it on top of everything else.

People have different views on telling DC about affairs being a factor or the cause of break ups. I personally think the truth, in a measured, factual way, is better than lies. DC are likely to still love and be good to their parents. If you’re gallant enough to seek to avoid your DC being angry with their mother, would also make sense to stop relating your (poor) choices now back to your ex’s affair.

It’s your DC you’ll be hurting here.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 22/12/2019 17:52

You sound vile. Put your children before sex.