An old school friend

[1goodguy]

Hi, I am currently in the closing stage of seperating from my wife after a 14 month struggle.We have been together 20 years and 2 great kids but she had an affair and so it's unacceptable and relationship ended.
So...I'm on Facebook 2 months back and spot a lady from my school class 30 year's ago...I send my friend request.
She accepts and we start chatting maybe once,twice a week via messenger.
So...it turns out,she has seperated exactly same time as me,her husband had an affair and it ended.
Our online chatting gets more and more regular,we communicate really well and now we chat every day.
This lady, I've fallen for her badly!
She's beautiful,witty,smart and funny.
Only yesterday,I met her for first time in 30 year's.
She works evenings in a bar along with her daily job to make ends meet.
Although it was very busy...we banter with each other and yes..I like this lady a lot but....I think she's not ready for anything as she's been badly hurt.
My hurt is over and since meeting her online,we have become great support to each other but I would so love to have her more permanent in my life but, I'd hate to loose her friendship.
What do I do?
She's such a great woman and she has gained my respect and admiration.
I actually met another lady in the bar later that evening,just casually chatting as I was there alone and basically she wanted to see me but I didn't go through due to how I feel about my old class mate.
I don't want to miss the opportunity,I think I've made my old class mate quite content upon meeting her,she was beaming when I entered the bar at me....how do I get the girl!!

No dozer....a friend is not what I seek long term.
I have led a life much on my own for 14 months and it is not easy I can assure you.. bearable...but not easy.
I do crave the love and affection from one partner,it's been missing from my life a long time and I'm a great believer in not letting an opportunity pass by.
My kids are a very outgoing personality,they will take it in their stride whoever does eventually come into my life and I will always be there for the kids.
Yes,as a family we will get through it...it will take time,but time is a great healer

it will take time,but time is a great healer

Absolutely

So .... wait and don't rush

Am I in a fucking echo chamber?

If you start dating imminently, it will have negative effects on your DC. It would be poor parenting.

You say you intend to prioritise your wishes and “opportunity” for a new sexual/romantic relationship over your DCs’ psychological needs. And are minimising the negative effects your planned actions will have on them.

Why can’t your wishes wait just six months, a year or whatever? While you see how your DC actually react to all the bad news and changes?

Anyway, many mothers looking to date would be unimpressed with a father in your circumstances seeking to date.

Being confident, happy and outgoing have nothing to do with how a teen might react to bad news (for them) and huge changes, short and long term.

I'm not saying you should have stayed in your marriage. 🙄 I'm making the point that if this has been going on for over a year the excuse of 'not wanting to ruin Christmas' by telling them is a little silly. You could have done this 6 months ago. A year ago. Why has it gone on this long?

I'm also a little mind blown that you genuinely think that your kids need no consideration. That the time to tell them is when the for sale sign goes up. Why is that? Surely that'll just make then hugely insecure?

but needs are needs and the recipients also had needs too so it was mutually beneficial

Recipients?!
Double puke

You need to give your DC a chance to adjust. Don't kid yourself that they 'probably know'.

They may know that you argue, but that doesn't automatically lead to them knowing you two are heading for separation. Don't underestimate the power of wishful thinking on their part.

Having said that, it does sound like it's positive with this person. BUT if you want your and her DC to accept you if you do get together, don't make it look like you're overlapping in the marriage.

So give it time, let your DC adjust to your separation.

Btw, you know a legal separation costs £365? Divorce is £550 if you lodge it yourself. Just separating doesn't protect you from shared debt etc. the biggest cost factor is the financial settlement, you need a proper legal separation and if you're doing that you might as well get the divorce. It will help stop the wishful thinking on the part of your DC.

Hypsthiacade..... excellent response thanks

Also recipients

These are actual people you are talking about, not vessels receiving your "needs".

How disgusting.

OP, as a child(now young adult) from a family that went exactly through the same thing as yours ,the best idea is to wait with your new crush. Eventually you have to tell your children why your relationship with their mother didn't work out,otherwise they will feel lied to and worse.
I personally found it out and it was a huge blow,I can not forgive both of them for that ..but of course mostly the whore of my "mother".
But definitely take it slower with your crush maybe future girlfriend. I wish you best of luck!

Just keep doing what you are doing and being a support. The song says you can't hurry love, but you also can't push it in the direction you want it to go.