Ugh. Men who want to keep you on the back burner

[Sic99]

I split from a miserable 15 year car crash relationship a year and a half ago. Had a rebound with someone I first met in the summer. We meet through our mutual children who became friends (yes, i know. Not great). It was v fun and gave me what I needed to put distance with my ex. I finally feel we can genuinely focus on the kids, without my emotions getting in the way. So has been such a turning point for me. The rebound made clear he was not available. It was abruptly said, in a curt message. But was good he said it. I was honest and said that i didn't want to carry on as I thought it would begin to mess with my head. Should have been simple and clear cut, right? Nice and adult? But he says he wants to carry on meeting as friends for the kids. I honestly don't think this is a major friendship for the kids. Yes, they like each other. But it's not a really important friendship. I suspect he wants to keep me on the backburner, in case nothing else comes along. Feel annoyed. Just a minor vent. Why are some men such predatory wanker? Am obviously still vulnerable after my brutal car crash split from ex

in his eyes. And ripe for taking advantage of. Ugh.

Just reply: 'No thanks. I have enough friends. All the best, goodbye!'. Then delete and block.

He isn't your friend. He is someone you slept with as we light rebound. And sounds manipulative. You don't carry on 'friendships' like that when one side admits they may catch feelings. Sounds like he wants an ego stroke by attempting to get you to like him and stringing you along. Knob.

Get shot. Delete and block.

You said in your previous thread that Rebound actually has a girlfriend whom you knew about before you slept with him. After he told you that there was no future between you, he tried to use you for child care.

Posters advised that he was a manipulative loser. You agreed and were determined to not interact with him in any capacity, even when he pushed for ‘friendship.’ Stick to that! Surround yourself with people who empower you, not diminish you.

@MsDogLady nailed it.

You know what he is, so why entertain it?

Block.

I am going to say something different. Your relationship is that you are parents of kids who are friends and that should be your priority, the adult thing to do. It isn't ideal for your dc's friendships to be affected by a man blowing you off. Though I agree that you shouldn't be providing child care for his or your convenience, it would be better to organise play dates to meet the kids' needs. I honestly don't think this is a major friendship for the kids. Yes, they like each other. But it's not a really important friendship It sounds like a convenient coincidence that you are deciding this at the time you want to punish the parent for rejecting you.

I don't think you are on the back burner, he just wasn't interested in anything other than sex, and now he is just interested in facilitating play dates.

I have also been in a car crash of a relationship but still wouldn't dream of shagging someone with a gf. I think you need to look at how you treat other people as well as dwelling on how they treat you.

Thanks. My instincts are screaming something else though
And that he'd drop the 'friendship once he got bored. Maybe i should put him in touch with my ex to arrange playdates. Reckon it would love at first sight. But seriously, on the gf front. Yes, youre right. but... she was the other woman when he was married with a kid. So call me a bitch, but my female solidarity didn't stretch that far. Although i do admit feeling shabby. Which frankly I am glad for. It means am not totally like them. Will think about what you say, but I thunk priority will need to be mum who is not feeling manipulated. Thanks for your post.

I think if you just arrange the play dates that isn't being manipulated, so go for that.

my female solidarity didn’t stretch that far

Perhaps it should have. Now you’re both being played by a serial cheat and the only difference is she’s the poor woman that gets to live with the narcissist. Thank your lucky stars it’s not you and you’re only on the back burner if you allow yourself to be.

FWIW- My DD went on lots of play dates with either just me, or the other parent(s) present. No big deal, I didn’t have to be friends with someone because my DD was friends with their DC.

The person I would feel solidarity with would be the ex wife. Not the gf. She's not some young innocent. But not my concern or business really. If my DDs ask for playdate, will take it from there I think. Luckily, they go to a different schools and live in different area. So no risk of us bumping into each other.

The kids have other friends and a school full of companions - fgs, these aren't the First Families on The Frontier, combine or die alone. They're just some kids and some playdates.

Dump the playdates and dump him.

Your lack of self awareness is surprising OP. You did exactly what the partner did to the wife to the partner and somehow end up feeling morally superior to her
You don’t have to respect the person in question, just respect yourself enough not to insert yourself into this mess and risk hurting lots of innocent parties- in particular everyone’s DC!

It seems to me that you’re still hankering after rebound and not feeling very shabby after all. He’ll do it again. And again. And again. There’ll be other yous, before you and after you. Just walk away. As I said before you’re only on the back burner if you let yourself be.

Lol exactly what lucky says. You did exactly the same thing! He may not have been married but ge was with someone else. And I wouldn't be so fast to blame the gf for 'stealing him away' from the wife cause if he is a narcissist, it could have been any other girl. Like em, well, you.

You don't know what lies he could have spun her. He's already got you questioning whether or not you should stay friends with him! Even though your gut is screaming 'noooooo!' Never underestimate the narcissists ability to completely undermine your moral fibre. I bet he is still with this poor daft gf and using 'narcissistic triangulation' too.

Get yourself out of this situation. Before it gets any messier.

Look. Frankly, my kids aren't going to ask for a playdate. I felt a bit pressured by the other posters. And no. I absolutely did not do what the gf did. Sorry, there's no comparison. I have actually been in the position when a married man, at work was attracted to me. In fact He told me he loved me. What did I do? Have an affair? No. I found another job. So dont compare me to her please. There is NO comparison. As anyone on MN who has suffered an affair will know.

So the action is completely the same but it's completely different because he wasnt married to his partner when you slept with him?

I'd have a really good think about that before you carry on feeling superior to the current partner. Two wrongs and all that ...

Breaking up a marriage with kids is disgusting. Sorry if you think am being judgemental, but it is. Pure and simple. There is always a choice. You take yourself out of the situation. The gf is an intelligent professional woman. Not some gullible child. Is it a case of what goes around comes around? Yes. I have suffered family imploding. (Not through an affair) and effects on kids
It's fucking brutal. I would never play any part in that.

Yes tatty. There that's right. A masdive difference

Yes I agree, its horrendous.

As is being cheated on by your partner (regardless of whether you have a ring on your finger or not).

You slept with him knowing he had a partner? How is that different to any other ‘OW’?

I don’t care either way. I’m just interested in the cognitive dissonance.

But your kids will survive without his kids. Block him completely.

There is ZERO comparison. At all.

Ok. Perhaps she deserved it? Is that what you want me to say?

You slept with her partner. A piece of paper, white dress and party do not make it an affair- the fact you got into bed with someone else’s partner does.

Well done for walking away from the married bloke but don’t kid yourself that this is different. You are totally the same.

You are doing exactly the same as she did. You are just as bad as she is. I feel sorry for the original wife, I feel sorry for her now and no doubt if you did pursue something, we'd need to feel sorry for you further down the line.

No-one is faultless here (except the wife) and you are definitely not superior to the GF because you managed to wait until he was no longer married. If you could wait that long, why not wait until he split up with his GF and was available?

Or I dont know, target an actual single man.

Ok. Perhaps she deserved it? Is that what you want me to say?

No. She didn’t deserve it. Neither did the wife.

So, let me understand this. The gf was the OW and played a knowing role in chucking a grenade into a family. Suddenly, she deserves to be treated differently to the ex wife? They're all shits in my book. My level of shortness compared to theirs is tiny. And Yes, walking away. Why would I do anything else?