Ugh. Men who want to keep you on the back burner

[Sic99]

I split from a miserable 15 year car crash relationship a year and a half ago. Had a rebound with someone I first met in the summer. We meet through our mutual children who became friends (yes, i know. Not great). It was v fun and gave me what I needed to put distance with my ex. I finally feel we can genuinely focus on the kids, without my emotions getting in the way. So has been such a turning point for me. The rebound made clear he was not available. It was abruptly said, in a curt message. But was good he said it. I was honest and said that i didn't want to carry on as I thought it would begin to mess with my head. Should have been simple and clear cut, right? Nice and adult? But he says he wants to carry on meeting as friends for the kids. I honestly don't think this is a major friendship for the kids. Yes, they like each other. But it's not a really important friendship. I suspect he wants to keep me on the backburner, in case nothing else comes along. Feel annoyed. Just a minor vent. Why are some men such predatory wanker? Am obviously still vulnerable after my brutal car crash split from ex

Why is what you did different?

Does he no longer have a family? Would your affair not cause hurt and upset? Or is she fair game?
I thought if a man was in a relationship that he was off limits romantically. I didn’t realise that there was some kind of grading system

Totally sane by the way.

Wow.

Okay, you've had opinions from numerous people on this thread stating that this guy is bad news, he's a serial cheat and is apparently now trying to play games with you. The thing you've fixated on is that the bad thing you did wasnt as bad as the bad thing the current partner did (despite numerous people suggesting the opposite).

Ultimately it's your life. I continue to feel sorry for anyone who gets cheated on - it's a horrible place to be and you have facilitated this in this scenario. That's something you have to live with.

Good luck, I hope you sort it and yourself out

And btw, I didnt say you pursued him. I said if you continued to pursue this and did become involved with him, I'd feel just as bad for you when he cheated on you.

OP I wouldn't shag someone who had a gf whatever the gf was like because of basic, base line honesty - not to do with my assessment of her morals and not to do with female solidarity. The fact that you think that she is worse than you isn't a justification for what you did. I don't think you have the moral high ground here by any means, sorry.

You referred to the "adult" thing to do - I think the "adult" thing to do is to take responsibility for what you did without slating other people, and organise the play dates as you would have done before - think about it, you will bump into the kids around and about and you are just creating unnecessary potential drama for your dc. All because a ONS which shouldn't have happened in the first place went wrong.

Christ. You are all so black and white in your thinking! There are grades and differences. And people behave in a sustained, knowing shitty ways. Or in the grip if other headfuck things swirling around their heads, but then they wake up, walk away. To chuck all OWs in the same category is naive.

OP you are obviously still vulnerable. I’m bowing out now but think the best thing you can do is to focus on you and start by taking a look in the mirror.

You are ALL victims of this man. You don’t need to feel any solidarity with or compassion for anyone. You should however accept that you were out of order to sleep with someone else’s partner. Regardless of what they had done previously, not least because this isn’t about HER it’s about HIM. He’s the one who has made a commitment of some sort to each of these women and here we are judging THEM for his infidelity. That’s narcissism and EA for you, with a dollop of grooming thrown in for good measure.

Anyway- not my circus. Not my monkeys.

Good Luck.

Jesus. I am NOT a victim of this man! You all seem to think I've fallen in love with him!!! And waiting on his every text. My original post was an irritated vent about predatory men. Nothing more, honestly. But I really didn't expect the shitstorm of moral judgementalism. And comparing me to a knowing, sustained homebreaker...

So do you have a sliding scale of when it’s ok to sleep with men who are in relationships?

Nobody here really cares what you do. But should you want to avoid doing it again in the future, at least own it.

What do you get from this thread, OP? Because you're getting something. Self-loathing by proxy, perhaps?

Er, i dont have a spreadsheet But yes, there are grades. Of course there are. Life isn't black and white. That's just lazy thinking. And yes, my bad is small potatoes. Am not beating myself up over it. I don't actually care about the adults in all this. If the son genuinely does feel the friendship is special, then I feel sad. He's definately been through the mill with all the selfish shitty adult behaviour he's had to live through.

I think honesty is reasonably black and white, OP, but that isn't the point here - yes none of us are perfect, but I think the "grades and differences" you refer to is more to do with how we take responsibility when we do wrong - some people will say "Yup I f'ed up, I was wrong" and others will say "Well, I wasn't as bad as the others, and the other woman deserved it anyway" the latter being more in the direction of "sustained, shitty ways" probably?

Are you really a higher class of OW in your head?! That is just bonkers!

It isn't about the other child thinking it is a special friendship, it is about none of the dc being affected by the adult shenanigans unnecessarily - why dramatically stop the play dates, when the dc will see each other at the park or elsewhere? Doing so will just potentially cause drama and confusion for them.

But anyway - you can now wake up, and do the right thing - we only see what you write, so it is down to your judgement in real life. Best of luck

I totally know I was shabby. Am not saying I wasn't. What I took issue with was people saying am as bad as a homebreaker. And there is no difference. Because there is. You may disagree, but I won't be persuaded that i am an evil homebreaking bitch here. But of course it's crap. Mainly cos there are kids involved. All the adults(me included) have been arseholes. But I knocked it on the head and took responsibility for not continuing to be an arsehole. If I've misinterpreted, then am sorry. But the posts suggested otherwise. Kids not likely to bump into each other as live in different areas. And wouldn't dream of punishing kids for shitty behaviour of us crappy adults.

OP I think you need to get away from this man. Book playdates with other children, dont make a big deal of it to your dc, you've already said they are unlikely to ask.

Cheating is crap regardless, who knows, his first wife might have been cruella de ville, the current partner equally awful, but why bother being second best? Find a man who treats you as his one and only.

I know it's hard, I've been dating a while as a single mum too, there are loads of men who will happily string you along, use you for sex, an ego boost etc. Pretty depressing.

What I took issue with was people saying am as bad as a homebreaker The only homebreaker here is him. Be fair - you don't know the full situation, about his decisions, or her decisions.

If you met the guy at the park getting to know him over a period of months at the park, you might bump into them all again.

I agree with pp, just be careful with the men who want to string vulnerable single mothers along. Their interest may be self serving, and not to do with wanting a genuine loving relationship. It is funny, a man who is himself a player said that to me this morning! Funny coincidence. Players can be better friends than they are partners

Despite all the bashing I got for my immoral behaviour, i still feel I get a lot out of posting on here.

Oof.

...as to the vent in the original post, you are an adult, you get to make your own decisions. No one is keeping you on any back burner but yourself.

All this fuss over a rebound who already has a girlfriend + cheated on his wife. His dick must be made of 24K solid gold, is all I can think.

He's just a man, and a recent one at that. We don't die for lack of them...

What do you get out of posting here, OP?

Helps me work things through. I am a single mum who came out of a 15 year relationship with an alcoholic. I have a tendency to ruminate and it's helpful to get things off my chest. It helps me move on. And it's anonymous.

But if it's just sport for the rest of you, which it looks like it is, am asking MN to take my post down

None of the responses have indicated that any of the posters saw it as sport, you have had some really thoughtful posts. Your thread could help others and you might want to re read it in the future so I hope mumsnet leaves it up. It is good it helped you - I only asked as I didn't think it was helping you because you were arguing with everyone. If it has, that is good.