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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucked up

60 replies

Christmasfuckup · 21/12/2019 19:18

Hi,
I'm not sure why I am posting this.
Earlier on my dh "tapped" (his words) my 9yr old around the head for not listening. This resulted in my ds crying. (Not surprisingly)
I lost my shit, I'm so embarrassed to write this... I slapped my dh hard on the upper arm.
I cannot justify this. I saw red at hearing my ds crying, again at being told off and hit around the back of the head.
My dd said that ds was listening and was just trying to clean the ddog water bowl without making a mess but at 9 doesn't have the best ability yet to do this completely mess free.

Dh and i have had a screaming match. Dh threating to leave and tell me he wants to "punch my face into a wall"

I told him to leave then. He is upstairs whilst me and the dc are downstairs watching a film.

I tried to talk to dh to apologise, he didnt want to know, which I dont blame him for.

I dont really know what to do right now. I have no idea how we would ever be able to come back from this. I dont think I even want to in all honesty.

Dh has always had a temper on him and we have argued in the past, resulting in him throwing things at me, but this is the first time I've seen red and retaliated.

I've ruined christmas for my DC.

Thank you for reading this far, I dont really expect any replies, just needed to get it out really.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 21/12/2019 19:22

It's obviously making you feel bad that you behaved this way, so sending hugs to you and your dc. It's not Christmas for a few more days so hopefully it's not ruined 🤞

If your partner has always had a temper and you've never previously retaliated, you must have built up a huge amount of anger inside that burst out of you today. It was inevitable from that point of view.

Do you want to repair things? Or do you want to stay apart?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/12/2019 19:22

How on earth have you ruined Xmas? You've saved your DC from spending it with a shouty, physically abusive man.,

They might not "get that" right now (especially as their own dad is absent) but they will in future, trust me.

KellyHall · 21/12/2019 19:25

Having read your post over again, it sounds like you'd all be happier in the long run if he was removed from the home. Your dc don't seem to agree with him so if you and they have Christmas together, hopefully it can be a bit more relaxed for you all.

Aussiebean · 21/12/2019 19:25

I imagine you retaliated because it was your baby being abused and not you.

Mama bear protecting her cub.

Him leaving is probably a good idea.

catmg · 21/12/2019 19:26

I don't think you fucked up - what you did sounds like a reasonable reaction to your child being hit.

When all has calmed down I think id be making it very clear to OH that he must never lift a finger to your child again. I wouldn't be apologising. We all know the line 'I'd kill for my kids'. Id simply explain to him that this is true, and you were rightly infuriated by his actions.

He sounds like a difficult person though and you might think it's pointless trying to have such a conversation, in which case you have my sympathies. All the best.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2019 19:29

Is he upstairs packing a bag?. Is he going to leave or will he refuse to do so?.

You have not ruined Christmas, why do you think that?. Your H has overreacted to your DS and he is again out of control here. You acted in response to your DS being hit on the back of the head by your husband which started him crying. You all need to be apart from this violent man.

This from your H really does appear to be a further escalation of what has happened before now. I note he has always had a temper on him and he has thrown things at you before now (this is really domestic violence). Your house is not the sanctuary it should be for your children or for you.

My guess is that he does not behave like this with any of you to anyone in the outside world. Abusive people are often quite plausible to those in the outside world too and abuse thrives on secrecy. Start opening up to other trusted people about what has and is going on here within your home. Please try to contact Womens Aid or your local domestic violence support organisation; they can and will help you here.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/12/2019 19:30

Is he the kids' father?
You need to get him out. He slapped your child round the head and threatened to punch your face into a wall. You could call the police now and get him removed.

Sadiesnakes · 21/12/2019 19:32

Protecting your child from abuse is not fucking up. You acted how you did against a threat to your child. You should not be apologizing and he should leave the house.
He's abusive to his son and by the sounds of it, it won't be long until it's you.

You need to rethink who you are married to op.

NoodlingAlong · 21/12/2019 19:33

Your husband told you he wanted to punch your face into a wall and you apologised to him?

For crying out loud - tell him to leave tonight and that you will be in touch after Christmas about divorce proceedings.

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 21/12/2019 19:33

You've not ruined Christmas OP.

If someone dared to smack my child round the head, in front of me as well(!), they'd be getting more than a slap on the arm.
I think what you did was very restrained.

Reading through the post, your partner sounds as though he does this frequently.
Either way, LTB.

Temporary pain in the arse for a huge gain (and much safer, calmer life.)
How dare he treat the DC and you in such a way?!
Tell him to get to fuck.

Yetanotherwinter · 21/12/2019 19:38

You sound as bad as each other. He’s slapped the kid, you’ve slapped him and he wants to punch your face into a wall. I feel sorry for the kids.

Jodie77 · 21/12/2019 19:40

I would have done more than smacked his arm the piece of shit. He's ruined Christmas not you. The throwing things and this incident with your son show a level of control to me that suggest he's not lost in a red cloud but acting abusively because he thinks you deserve it. There is a difference.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/12/2019 19:43

You can't repair this because your dh is a fucking abusive bully. The best thing you could do is throw him out. Hitting your child on the head because he spilt some water? He threatened to smash your head into the wall and has thrown things at you. What would you say if your daughter said her husband was doing these things to her?

Houseworkavoider · 21/12/2019 19:48

This really isn’t your doing.
Can you and the Dc go and stay with your family?

AmurderIsAnnounced · 21/12/2019 19:49

He's ruined Christmas, not you, you were protecting your child, I would do the same. Your h is abusive, good job if he fucks off, but I bet he won't, these abusive twats never do.

chloxox08 · 21/12/2019 19:55

If anyone 'tapped' my child round the head I'd do a lot more than slap on the arm. You've done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Please do not think you're the one who has to apologise.

Original poster
Christmasfuckup · 21/12/2019 20:03

Thank you all for being kind. I honestly thought I would be told off by you all. I still feel shameful for hitting him. And I'm gutted that my dc witnessed it.

He is their step dad, and has done this sort thing before (clip around the ear). He has never hit me although has threatened to do it before. He has thrown things at me in anger several times, I honestly dont know why I have put up with it.

I really need to give myself a shake and find my back bone and divorce him.

He has a bag packed and is doing a sleep in at work tomorrow so I can start getting my ducks in a row.

Currently cuddling my dc whilst watching a film. I'm hoping that christmas will be a good one for them.

Thank you all again

OP posts:
jamdhanihash · 21/12/2019 20:40

Do you think he'll go quietly? Do you think you need any RL support right now. The threatening language has worried me OP. Well done you, this seems the right decision.

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 21/12/2019 20:44

Jesus get rid. He isn't even their dad and had laid a hand on them now and in the past. Your reaction was restrained. One day it will be you if he already threatens it.

Goodnightjude1 · 21/12/2019 20:58

I don’t ever condone violence, of any kind really. I’ve punched by a psycho girlfriend of my ex at the school gates and carried on walking.

But....

You hit my child and I’ll hit you. Harder.
Get rid of this abusive excuse for a man OP. Give yourself and your children the Christmas you deserve. Hugs 💐

Haffiana · 21/12/2019 21:10

You sound as bad as each other. He’s slapped the kid, you’ve slapped him and he wants to punch your face into a wall. I feel sorry for the kids.

You crack on 'feeling sorry' for them. Thank god their mother actually was prepared to protect them.

rvby · 21/12/2019 21:18

Wait a minute, your husband regularly assaults you and your children, and you're in here saying YOU have ruined your children's Christmas by finally taking a stand?

I'm really sorry, the ruining of your children's lives started when a man moved into their home and started assaulting them. How long has this been going on? Wtf are you thinking, I am so shocked that you've let this happen more than once??? Why did you let him stay in the house after the first time he hit one of your kids??

Call the police for fucks sake. This is an emergency, dont allow him back in the house. Why the fuck are your children being forced to live with a man who hits them?

Seriously how have you been justifying him still living with you all? Shocking thread

Weenurse · 21/12/2019 21:22

You need to separate

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/12/2019 21:34

Perfect, he's not their dad so you can get rid of him and never have to see him again.

Interestedwoman · 21/12/2019 21:37

Dh and i have had a screaming match. Dh threating to leave and tell me he wants to "punch my face into a wall''' I tried to talk to dh to apologise, he didnt want to know, which I dont blame him for.'

I don't think you've really done anything to apologise for- you just didn't like seeing your DS physically abused.

'I have no idea how we would ever be able to come back from this. I dont think I even want to in all honesty.'

I'm glad you don't want to. I don't think you should.

'I've ruined christmas for my DC.'

He was the one that hit your DS, and your DD saw that it was unjust. You say you were already watching a film etc- your DC will be ok. xx

Please get away from this man who abuses both your son and you. You could have a word with Women's Aid perhaps xxxx Calling the police as a PP said would be even better- you can do so safely as he's out of the house. Hugs x