Really fucked up

[Christmasfuckup]

Hi,
I'm not sure why I am posting this.
Earlier on my dh "tapped" (his words) my 9yr old around the head for not listening. This resulted in my ds crying. (Not surprisingly)
I lost my shit, I'm so embarrassed to write this... I slapped my dh hard on the upper arm.
I cannot justify this. I saw red at hearing my ds crying, again at being told off and hit around the back of the head.
My dd said that ds was listening and was just trying to clean the ddog water bowl without making a mess but at 9 doesn't have the best ability yet to do this completely mess free.

Dh and i have had a screaming match. Dh threating to leave and tell me he wants to "punch my face into a wall"

I told him to leave then. He is upstairs whilst me and the dc are downstairs watching a film.

I tried to talk to dh to apologise, he didnt want to know, which I dont blame him for.

I dont really know what to do right now. I have no idea how we would ever be able to come back from this. I dont think I even want to in all honesty.

Dh has always had a temper on him and we have argued in the past, resulting in him throwing things at me, but this is the first time I've seen red and retaliated.

I've ruined christmas for my DC.

Thank you for reading this far, I dont really expect any replies, just needed to get it out really.

I am so happy he is not your children’s father
Chuck the fucker out.

For what it’s worth I wish you’d knocked him out cold for doing that to your kid. Piece of shit.

None of you need a bully like that in your life especially your kids.

You have to protect your children from this man, don't you? I agree with others, he needs to leave.

OP- you are in an abusive relationship with a controlling, violent man.
He is now starting the abuse on your children. Please, PLEASE get out of this scenario for your sake and that of your kids. Domestic violence typically escalates with each incident and this will only get worse and worse with time. Please get out as soon as you can. Get legal advice, garner the support of your friends and family and confide in someone you trust. But please, leave this man, things WILL get worse if you dont.

Yes, so much easier that he's not dcs dad. Does their dad know what an abusive cunt his dcs are living with?

Yetanotherwinter Get over yourself I'm sure you'd sit there quietly and let your child be physically assaulted! Your sanctimony is unwarranted

Hours actions brought put the lioness in you.

Call the police for fuck sake. Get him gone now.

If seeing him hit your children around the head doesn't motivate you to get rid of him what will? You are allowing them to be abused and feel unsafe in their own house. Wake up!

Thanks again for all your replies.

I have put the kids to bed with massive cuddles, loads of kisses and have apologised to them that they witnessed it and have had to live with it.

I will change this situation. I can not put them through this.

I dont even know why the fuck I didnt see it this before.
I cant remember who asked if their dad knows what dh is like, ex was abusive, sexually, mentally and financially, it took alot to end that and it was so scary being a single parent. Apparently I havent broken that cycle for myself or my children yet. But I will.

I am remembering the anxiety of becoming a single parent but I did it once and will do it again.

Thank you for the kind words and not kicking me whilst I'm down. (Mostly)

We are safe here tonight, he is blanking me currently and is still in the bedroom. I'll sleep in with one of the kids or on the sofa.

Sorting out paperwork and googling how to get divorced once he is at work tomorrow.

I feel really heartbroken for you.
But you are most definitely doing the right thing

Your children will want for nothing if you show them that you are a strong, decisive and unstinting mother. They don’t need anything except to know and experience that you love them above all else and that you will act swiftly to remove anything negative or harmful from their lives.

You aren’t responsible for another’s actions but you are responsible for your own choices and the examples you set those children. You are doing the right thing

Don’t let him play the Christmas card or attempt to show fake contrition. The main thing is to get your kids away from this scumbag.

If any man did that to my kids more than his arm would be red.
You didnt do anything wrong OP.
You merely protected your kids like any mother would do.
I would separate immediately.
Him being violent will only get worse.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Dont worry about your kids seeing what you did to that horrible man.
They will know you loved and protected them.

Yes, please do divorce him, do the Freedom Programme and seek any available help for your DC.

You sound as bad as each other. He’s slapped the kid, you’ve slapped him and he wants to punch your face into a wall. I feel sorry for the kids.

I feel sorry for YOUR kids. I'm trying to imagine what on earth would make anyone think a man hitting a 9 year old on the head is the moral equivalent of that child's mother slapping him on the arm in retaliation. And then thinking that that retaliatory slap is the same as a man threatening to punch a woman's face into a wall.

Whoever posted that has serious issues and needs to sort them out.

OP, this man is awful. Listen to the good advice here. Get rid. Do the freedom programme.

The apologism on this thread is appalling.

They are both violent. It’s a violent household.

The poor kid.

I do not condone violence but honestly if someone did that to my DC then I may have reacted in the same way.

Glad to hear you are making plans to leave him.

God if my partner ever raised a hand to my child he would be straight out the door. And yeah I'd fucking wallop him aswell.

I really hope you do go through with leaving him op. What a horrible thing for your poor son to go through.

You have a duty of care to protect your children. You have allowed an abusive man into the house. Not only does he abuse you, he also abuses your children verbally and now physically.

You come on this thread, stating YOU have done wrong for defending your child against his abuse.

That tells me you have a distorted view of what is right or wrong and your boundaries are severely lacking. At the moment you are saying you will leave, but this may only be because your boyfriend is stonewalling you.

I am telling you, if social services find out what is happening then they will question you as a mother, how is it you allowed this man into your house to abuse you and your kids? Why are you not protecting them?

You have history of dating abusive men. You need to be single, seek counselling to find out why you are continuing to be in these relationships.

Put your children first and leave before someone else does it.

If Mumsnet mods are able to find out OP location and identification then they should report this to social services. I bet what OP said is just the tip of what is really happening in that household.

Mumsnet won't be able to report this to social services. There's no way of knowing id and address, and this is just an anonymous forum. I've seen things about people abusing their kids on here and it's horrible not being able to report it or do anything to help the poor souls.

Also op, don't be deluded that because youve given them lots of cuddles and kisses tonight that the damage will be undone. They are living in a house of violence.

Don't apologise to that bad tardy. He hit your child for something trivial.
My stepfather terrorised me all my childhood. I'm nearly 60 now and was permanently damaged by it. I have zero self esteem from being told I was useless and live alone because I can't cope with relationships. His abuse left me feeling like a shadow my whole life instead of a normal happy person.
Don't let that happen to your children

You've honestly NOT ruined Christmas
If anything your going to have a peaceful Christmas if he pisses off, no stress, no egg shells just you and the kids being care free, jolly and happy!

If my DP hit my son on the back of the head and wasn't joking an made him cry when he was only trying to help I wouldn't of slapped his arm. I'd of slapped his fucking chops so don't feel guilty protecting your baby!

Hope your ok x

If all parents reacted instinctively to protect as you did, to their child being hit then maybe we'd have less child deaths at the hands of a parent or step parent. I salute you for doing it and getting him the fuck out and away from your children.

The apologism on this thread is appalling.

They are both violent. It’s a violent household.

You are wrong.

So many replies.

I know my dc wont be suddenly fixed by a cuddle and some reassurance, I am googling counselling for them and myself.
I have had counselling in the past for my last relationship, and will have more.

I will be fine alone, and definitely wont be looking for another relationship.

It's only the last year that he has been like this, and it's been him shouting mostly, he cant seem to pick his battles anymore so flies off the handle at all things he sees as being naughty. I have told him they will stop listening, as it all becomes noise.

He has already started to try to play nice, but there has been a few digs from him to me this morning before he leaves for work.

Googling the freedom program as well as divorcing.
Thank you for all the push I needed to open my eyes and see what was really going on.
Cant believe I was so blind to it all.