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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hookers - warning ExH’s new GF

86 replies

Deadtome · 20/12/2019 23:40

Should I warn exH’s new GF about his fondness for hookers?
And yes, the main driving force would be getting back at him rather than genuine concern for her.

OP posts:

AltheaVestr1t · 21/12/2019 10:10

@pachyderm I agree!

DBML · 21/12/2019 10:12

If I was starting up with a man and his ex informed me of his nasty habit with a simple and unemotional message, I’d probably appreciate the heads up. I’d want to protect myself health wise. You’d have to keep your message to the point.

A simple:

I apologise for the intrusion, but I thought it only fair to let you know that My relationship with Bill collapsed due to his habit of using prostitutes. I understand this may make me sound like a jealous ex, so I have included some proof, so that you can make your own informed choices. I won’t bother you again. All the best.

EvilPea · 21/12/2019 10:13

Depends, if it’s prostitutes whilst with you or her.

If it’s her, yes. You, no (although he’s still clearly a cheating prick)

yellowallpaper · 21/12/2019 10:52

I understand entirely about the need to revenge yourself on a 1st class bastard (my ex was one). However it's you that you need to think about and healing yourself. Fixating on him and his new life is not healthy for you. I found the best thing was a complete news ban on him and his life. Block everything. I know how it feels to see another woman get the 'nice' treatment when you have had years of mr nasty

Devereux1 · 21/12/2019 10:54

Yes, do it, anonymously.

Hurdygurdy24 · 21/12/2019 10:58

This probably won’t go down well, but it is perfectly possible that in a new relationship he won’t have a want or need for boomers, as he maybe getting all his emasculates needs met through the new relationship when possibly that want the case before

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 21/12/2019 12:28

Yes you have every right to be angry. But he's the father of your DC and that is your super power. One year from now you will be so glad you didn't go there with the new gf. Please put yourself and your DC first. Look how much better your life is already. His cheating is no longer your problem and you aren't responsible for his gfs sexual health. It's hard and a lot of us have been in similar positions but speaking from experience my xp got the ow pregnant about 5 weeks after leaving the family home. And 5 years later he's still with her, that child is now an important part of my DC's lives and I'm thankful I kept my shit together at the time. But it was so painful, but you will get through it.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 21/12/2019 13:38

Let her find out in her own sweet time x

Ididit2019 · 21/12/2019 13:39

I would be grateful to be warned. And even if initially I was sceptical it would make me more vigilant and be more aware.

LazyArsehole · 21/12/2019 13:43

I did something similar.

My ex was really emotionally and verbally abusive (also spat at me).

I informed new partner via FB with screenshot of conversations with them being utterly awful to me, calling me names. Telling me to fuck off etc..

Made no difference. They're still together.

I cnat see Ex changing tbh. Long history of this behaviour.

I just hope new partner gets out before it messes them up like it did me :(

Gutterton · 21/12/2019 13:56

How could this back fire on you? How will he punish you and your DCs?

He goes to the courts or police for harassment / stalking.

They tell all of your family and friends that you were frigid so he “had to get his needs met” - there are plenty of people who think this acceptable.

He stops maintenance.

He pulls some other vengeful stunt - how nasty is he?

You will not get the satisfaction you want. You will not get her calling you saying thanks I have left him and him sobbing and wounded saying sorry.

Redirect that negative rage revenge energy into positive energy for your DCs.

Whilst you are preoccupied with bitterness and hate for him - this will be seeping out through your mood into your home. Swat it all away.

Thatagain · 21/12/2019 15:07

Yea I would tell her. I wouldn't be nice about it eather. I would be like hay? I would keep your eyes and ears open 24/7As you are dealing with a sex addictive man who will pay a stranger if his needs are not met at home. Even if his needs were met he would still have sex with prostitutes. So be careful and wear protection untill he can be faithful. So sorry you went with a human like that op. Don't be nice about it nothing was spared for you he didn't think about you he put your health at risk and now you are the one left with a dc. Make it clear though that she is very welcome to him and that if he was the last man on earth you would not be interested. Good luck op and merry Xmas and all the best for 2020🎂🍰

Mermaidsinthesand · 21/12/2019 15:24

She will believe him or think he would only use hookers when with you because in his household you were x y and z of what he says.

There is nothing to gain from this apart from agro for yourself

TheCatWithTheHat · 21/12/2019 15:29

The best way to get back at him is to move on, be happy with your own life, and forget about him.

It's tempting to lash out at him as he's hurt you, but there's a good chance this would backfire on you as other posters have said.

Layoverlife · 21/12/2019 15:31

nooooooo!

Honeybee85 · 21/12/2019 15:33

She likely won’t believe you and since you’re not acting out of concern for her wellbeing but purely out of spite, I’d say don’t do it.

Your conscience won’t bother you because you don’t care about her and you won’t make yourself look like the jealous ex (something your exes ego might love).

Spied · 21/12/2019 15:38

Agree there's nothing to gain. You could get the response that he only used them because he was with YOU
She'll find out soon enough.

Contractbother · 21/12/2019 15:42

Then what will happen with the next gfs he has? This won't end well. He'll just say it was only when he was with you.

christmasstress · 21/12/2019 15:45

Personally I would want to know.
Hookers is a horrible term though.

BethPorter · 22/12/2019 10:16

lljkk · 22/12/2019 10:53

Will you warn ALL his new GFds in future? I don't see this being sustainable.

Cacklingmags · 22/12/2019 12:41

Yes. It will fuck him up and do her a favour. What is not to like?

Framic · 22/12/2019 15:14

Lets be blunt and honest...

Statistically, almost all men that see hookers are: (i) well resourced (it isn't cheap) (ii) in a relationship that they don't want to end but is not meeting their sexual needs. If they had (i) without (ii) then they could pretty much just go out on a weekend and get a ONS somewhat easily. If (ii) wasn't a consideration, they would just end the relationship. Its highly unlikely that he would have gone seeking hookers if he was getting laid 4/5 times a week at home.

The classic story here is a relationship that starts well and after a period of time (typically 2-3 years) becomes sexless, or virtually sexless. Biological pair bonding just isn't designed to last 40-50 years. Men see hookers because they don't have the courage to end the relationship, but its also unreasonable for a woman to expect a man to remain faithful whilst simultaneously treating his desires as of secondary importance.

So don't tell her, because its unlikely to do anything productive and use the opportunity you have to learn from the experience.

dangerrabbit · 22/12/2019 15:18

Nah. Let her find out what kind of man she’s chosen in her own sweet time.

Original poster

Deadtome · 22/12/2019 16:53

Framic - men who see hookers are scumbags and they do so because they think they’re entitled to do what they want and consider themselves beyond reproach. They have no respect for anyone. In reference to your first point above this was a man who went on about saving money at home, at the expense of his children, and then went out and spend it on hookers - well I use the word ‘man’ but really I think that’s an insult to your gender.
He was using hookers long before he met me, as I later found out, so don’t assume your own misguided and uneducated theory as to ‘why men use hookers’ applies in all cases.

OP posts:

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