Office party cliche of shame

[Actlikeagrownup]

I’ve name changed here trying sort my head out! I did what everyone knows you should not do to. Yesterday night I left the office the Christmas party with a male colleague and had a crazy drunken night. I’m so ashamed! No one at work directly knows but they might suspect. Neither married so that’s not the problem it’s more just the cringe factor. Plus my heart is a bit broken because I have over time ended up falling for him a bit. It was never meant to come to anything but now it has I’m so confused. He definitely doesn’t want it to happen again. Of course I respect that. But I wish it never had now because once you’ve slept together it does change things. Can’t stop thinking about him.

Feel like I’ve put myself in such a bad position professionally and emotionally. I had booked today off thank god but on Monday I am going to have to go in and act like everything is normal. We don’t often have to be in same meetings because we are in different teams but we regularly chat (flirt) and eat our lunch together nearly every day.

I think emotionally I should create some distance until my feelings calm down but that might look suspicious to the office gossips. I don’t even feel like I can tell him what is going on in my head because he was very direct and very clear afterwards. That was pretty hurtful too but better not to have any expectations.

Worst ever hangover today. I’m never drinking at another office do.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP but perhaps consider what is said by @ThighThighOfthigh .....

You deserve better ... he will break your heart ... move on ..

Hope the hangover is gone xx

Just own it on Monday and hold your head high x

Op, i think youre ovetthinking it. And you're hangover which is not gonna help. He ia probably doing the same and assessing the risks etc. Id try to put it down to what it is. You both got merry ,u both admitted u liked each othet, u had a thing and enjoyed it, now youre both freakin out a little. Take it easy, act normal arpund him, u had sex(you didnt bury a body together or anythin awful) see how it goes, dont push him for serious conversation that might scare him off/push him away. Play it cool. If you treat it like its not a massive thing it wont be to anyone else either. You never know what may come next though. Play it unbotheted op, u havent done anythin wrong!

What a twat he is. Don't give him any more power OP and please don't be hopeful or ask him about whether it can happen again.

Move on, hold your head up high and be professional like you are. His loss.

I have a friend this happened too and after a few weeks of him chopping and changing his mind they have now been together 2 years and are expecting their first baby.

What she did that really helped was just agree to not do it again and carry on as if it didn’t happen, made him realise what he was missing out on

Ah, OP, walk on by with your head held high.

“But I wish it never had now because once you’ve slept together it does change things. Can’t stop thinking about him”

It’s the thinking about him rather than the sleeping together that is the issue, and that was the case before the post party sex.

Your thread title reveals a sense of humour: try and take refuge there.

@DrMorbius

Genuine question to the MN masses. Would you prefer he said I have thought about it some more and it would be too complicated/values friendship too much or he said, nah, I just wanted a convenient shag, were done now?

I'd prefer it if, before the shag, he had the guts to say "I don't want a relationship with you but I'd like to have sex with you. If that ruins my chance of getting a shag tonight, fair enough. I just didn't want to lead you on."

OP I'm sorry you were hurt by this but imo you shouldn't feel embarrassed. I thought you were going to say you slept with your boss/ someone married/ someone you hate.
Instead it was someone you chat and flirt with every day, have lunch with every day, and who admitted to having feelings for you (albeit drunkenly). Most people would've done the exact same in your situation.
I know it's really hard that he's just changed his mind or perhaps was only after the shag but that's not up to you to have to decipher. Do you think he'll be embarrassed? Nope.

No one died.

It won't seem so disastrous in a few days.

If he is professional and ambitious he won't bring blurting it out to anyone, so be thankful.

You will be ok x

Grey rock
Be an actress for a few days . Smile breezily and act neutrally
Normal
Fake it ! Imagine you are being paid paid to act completely normal

Internally you can nurse wounds over Xmas . You are not the first nor the last the have this

Hugs 🤗

Thanks everyone. Much needed sanity and sage advice. The hangover paranoia was not my friend yesterday. I’m not going to do any playing it cool games to try and relax him into wanting something more. I’ve got a project to finalise start of the week so I will keep my head down. It could have been a lot worse as many of you say. He is super attractive so I think a lot of the girls at work swoon after him and he doesn’t really think it all through. I definitely don’t want to be seen as the “wronged woman”!

I'm another saying "you've done nothing wrong."
But don't let him have the power/upper hand on your feelings. You don't need his friendship, he sounds quite full of himself from your description. Surround yourself with kind happy funny people at work.

Glad you’ve got something to focus on. Head down and carry on.

It will be fine. I've been in that situation, but the other way round. I was him (I'm female).

I really fancied and genuinely liked him and we were friends (I was the boss) but I did not want a relationship so used the work excuse.

We stayed friends, with the odd bit of flirting and few more drunken kisses.

So I'm probably a twat but I did really like him, just was not the right time for anything serious.

Hope it all goes well Monday.

Eugh I did this kind of thing in my twenties a lot, I was also a bit of a professionally ambitious twat (then I got some therapy and ended up with a lovely non-player man).

Because I usually handled it well, and it never affected me professionally, this is what I would advise:

Look professionally amazing. I mean don’t get tatted up to attract him as you don’t need to. Just look like a lovely professional groomed woman. Pretend you are Anna Wintour (I often think when I am feeling a bit bumbly and vulnerable ‘what would AW do right now?’ I find it invaluable).

Be incredibly busy, not available for office gossips to come and nosy at you. Have lunch errands to run so that you have to zoom out importantly over all of lunch, have drinks with dear old friends just back in town to nip off to at the stroke of five. Be INCREDIBLY busy getting your inbox etc cleared up etc so little time to chat.

Remember, you are under NO obligation to tell anyone at work anything at all about your sex life or personal life at all. Say nothing. If any one asks you directly just say dismissively, oh god bit of a christmas kiss, not to be repeated.

Once you say a bright breezy ‘hello’ to him like nothing has happened, it will all get better.

You should always be nice and kind and considerate to lovely, sweet people whose genuine feelings are involved, but if fuckwittage is involved, there is nothing more enjoyable than out-playing a player.

‘what would AW do right now?’

That made me smile - though the answer is probably "wear sunglasses in inappropriate contexts", which may not help op.

"In all fairness to him he has been good to me. Crawling if anything and and being extra polite and nice." Be wary of this - if he's senior to you, he's trying to avoid a complaint about his behaviour.

Agree. If he is senior to you and could be said to be exploiting and taking advantage of his seniority, then he could be in deep shit with HR and higher ups in this MeToo climate. He should be sh_tting himself that you don't complain or lodge a grievance.

I like EarlGreyBee's style.

That is definitely the thing to do if you want to play at office flings. If he was a player, it might even lure him back in. You should avoid it if you develop feelings for him. He will see you as a risk and liability once he has had his piece.

Could I just add that I corrected tatted to tarted up about three times - def don’t get a tattoo before Monday.

Op funny how he was open to a relationship before sex but not after - and by funny obviously I mean not funny.

That means he's at best at twat who doesn't know his own mind and at worst a bit of a bastard/user. It probably doesn't feel like if bug that is a good thing in terms of finding out what sort of person he is and not spending months/years flirting, wondering what might be and thinking about getting involved etc.

You sound like you have your head about it anyway.

*but

*head on straight

But I wish it never had now because once you’ve slept together it does change things

It only does if you allow it to. Two consenting adults, having a Christmas shag, only becomes a big deal if you allow it to

^^ agree with this. Style it out. Cool as a cucumber.

I feel like women should be told more ‘you’re allowed to have a great shag and then not think anything more about it, especially if they don’t’.

It is really hard when you do like them though but tbh he does sound like a bit of a fuckwit.

Got it: no tattoos before Monday!