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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel pushed out of family Christmas

70 replies

My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 17:51

My sister had her second baby in November. I don't have any children. I love my nieces very much. Her husband's family are visiting from the other side of the world. They don't celebrate Christmas in their home country. My sister, her dh, children and in laws are going to my parents for Christmas lunch. My grandparents are going too. I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home. (Me and my partner) my parents aren't natural hosts and I think it's overwhelming.

I have spoken to my mum about plans over Christmas and I'm just feeling a bit pushed out. My sister hasn't acknowledged I effectively can't come to my parents on Christmas day due to her in laws. When I spoke to my mum I hoped she might acknowledge I'm a bit pushed out but no. I asked her about boxing day and she is going the sales. I asked about Christmas eve and she was just generally non committal.

I've helped out a lot with the baby and my older niece around this time. In addition to lots of help when my older niece was born and ongoing taking her out etc. So I'm a bit sad I'll not get to see her much over Christmas. I'm trying to say I'm not just about me all the time. But also a bit disappointed I'm kind of disposable when other people are around.

Equally I don't want to be selfish and know a newborn is tough. So wonder if I should just suck it up?

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 20/12/2019 17:54

OP you say in your post that you said you'd stay at home?

Maybe they think you don't want to be there?

milienhaus · 20/12/2019 17:55

I’m confused - are you choosing not to join because you think your parents will be overwhelmed rather than them asking you? In that case they might be feeling like you don’t want to go there and be put out themselves!

Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 17:56

I made it clear its because there isn't enough room.

OP posts:
Peony99 · 20/12/2019 17:58

It's not clear at all. You said
*
I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home. (Me and my partner) my parents aren't natural hosts and I think it's overwhelming.*

YOU feel and YOU think... but what do the actual hosts think and feel?

Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 17:59

I said something like we'd like to come over but there's not room. Then when I spoke to my mum I said I'm aware it's a lot of people. So maybe we could get together another day.

OP posts:
Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 18:00

Oh sorry I meant I made it clear to my mum! That wasn't an arsey reply like jesus I've made it clear in my post. Ooops

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 20/12/2019 18:01

Well just say, actually can we come please? Just say you’re now feeling a little sad and left out and you want to be with everyone.
Offer to help and ask what you can do to?

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 20/12/2019 18:01

This seems as though you want your mum to beg you to come if I'm honest OP.

YOU said you wouldn't be going because YOU felt it would be too crowded.
No one has told you not to go.
Your mum hasn't acknowledged because she thinks you don't want to be there - it may be hurtful to her, you saying you're not going.

Seems to me that you don't like the ILs (?) and are pissed off that they're going to be there on Christmas Day, so have cut your nose to spite your face.

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/12/2019 18:02

So you were invited and said you won't go because of room? I'd assume that was an excuse and you didn't actually want to go. Your parents wanted you there so they thought you'd fit.

You volunteered not to go and feel pushed out and want acknowledgement from your sister? It was your choice, there was no pushing.

SabineUndine · 20/12/2019 18:03

So you're saying you decided this, you told your mum you'd visit anothe day and now you feel pushed out. It does read a bit as though you're fed up because nobody appreciates your sacrifice?

MargeryB · 20/12/2019 18:03

It sounds like you are being a martyr and they are letting you get on with it.

Jeezoh · 20/12/2019 18:04

Sorry you sound like a martyr. Tell your mum you’d like to come and offer to help wherever you can with the hosting.

Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 18:05

Tbh the in in laws speak very little English so I don't have much opinion on them. My mum has said it is a lit of people for her.

I don't in anyway want her to beg me to come. That's actually quite upsetting to read. Because I'm always trying to think of others. What I'd like is for her and my other family to be bothered about seeing me at Christmas. So even saying she'd pop in for a coffee or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 18:05

Ok so from the replies I'm a dick. Thanks for letting me know.

OP posts:
BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 20/12/2019 18:07

She has a houseful OP, if she's hosting (and therefore cooking a full dinner) she's not going to have the chance to pop to you for a coffee!

If you want to be with everyone, just go! No one has told you not to go! Don't martyr yourself.

beautifulstranger101 · 20/12/2019 18:08

OP- you kind of uninvited yourself. If I was your mum, I'd assume that meant YOU didnt want to come. It would be different if your mum had said "You can't come- not enough room" but YOU said it. Not to be harsh but thats a bit passive aggressive- declining to come (but really wanting to go) and hoping everyone will run after you to change your mind. I'm honestly not trying to be snarky but I would recommend that if you want to go, you say, "actually- even though there will be lots of people there I would love to see you all". I think you need to work on expressing your honest views and true feelings rather than continually hoping people can read between your lines. Most people can't I'm afraid so you need to be direct with what you want.

JulieC1981 · 20/12/2019 18:09

Hello,

I'm sorry you feel pushed out. It might be worth saying that you understand that there is a lot of people there, but as you aren't seeing them Christmas Eve or boxing day you would like to pop over after dinner for a couple of hours x
That way it isn't as overwhelming for them to have people there all day but you still get to join in. She isn't a mind reader and as you have said you won't come over maybe she doesn't want to push it x

draughtycatflap · 20/12/2019 18:09

You’re welcome

halcyondays · 20/12/2019 18:10

So you were invited but have said you won’t go? They may just think you don’t want to come. I think even if your parents aren’t natural hosts, after a certain point two more don’t make much difference.

And if they do find it stressful they may not be keen to commit to definite plans on Christmas Eve (busy preparing) or Boxing Day (relaxing and recovering from the stress)

Josette77 · 20/12/2019 18:10

I think you come off as rude to be honest. You should offer to help, bring food, and go. You were invited and you made an excuse not to go.

Leobynature · 20/12/2019 18:11

I would just tell my mo I’m coming and help her tbh. It wouldn’t be a big deal

Ardmac1 · 20/12/2019 18:12

I think some of the replies here are a bit harsh. You were trying to make it easier on your mum by not adding another two to the already large number she will be catering for, but now find that no-one is making an effort catch up with you at another time over Christmas so you are feeling understandably pushed out and a bit upset. My sympathies, Op.

PurpleDaisies · 20/12/2019 18:12

I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home.

I’m a bit confused. It sounds like you were invited but said no. Have I got that wrong?

halcyondays · 20/12/2019 18:13

And if you did go you could help by bringing food and helping with the meal.

TulipsTwoLips · 20/12/2019 18:13

No, you're not a dick, but it does sound like it was your idea not to go!

Maybe just say that in hindsight you've changed your mind and could you come after all.