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Original poster

I feel pushed out of family Christmas

70 replies

My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 17:51

My sister had her second baby in November. I don't have any children. I love my nieces very much. Her husband's family are visiting from the other side of the world. They don't celebrate Christmas in their home country. My sister, her dh, children and in laws are going to my parents for Christmas lunch. My grandparents are going too. I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home. (Me and my partner) my parents aren't natural hosts and I think it's overwhelming.

I have spoken to my mum about plans over Christmas and I'm just feeling a bit pushed out. My sister hasn't acknowledged I effectively can't come to my parents on Christmas day due to her in laws. When I spoke to my mum I hoped she might acknowledge I'm a bit pushed out but no. I asked her about boxing day and she is going the sales. I asked about Christmas eve and she was just generally non committal.

I've helped out a lot with the baby and my older niece around this time. In addition to lots of help when my older niece was born and ongoing taking her out etc. So I'm a bit sad I'll not get to see her much over Christmas. I'm trying to say I'm not just about me all the time. But also a bit disappointed I'm kind of disposable when other people are around.

Equally I don't want to be selfish and know a newborn is tough. So wonder if I should just suck it up?

OP posts:
BettysLeftTentacle · 20/12/2019 18:15

It’s up to your parents whether there’s room or not. You decided not to go of your own accord and now you’re saying you feel left out. You pushed yourself out. Don’t be a martyr.

Daisydoola · 20/12/2019 18:16

I think you're being a martyr too. Just tell them you'd like to go.

Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 18:18

@Josette77
I'm sorry you find me rude do you mean on the thread or my actions re my family? I think there's a clear consensus on this thread so there's little point in defending my self but I by no means made excuses not to go. My mum agreed it was lots of people. So although I'm obviously making matyr of myself or being a twat. I think it would be more selfish to add to that.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 20/12/2019 18:18

Surely the whole point of Christmas is to have the whole family under one roof? Your DP are hosting ,not you so why worry ? Cant you help with washing up/bringing some food etc .Just say to DP you would like to come over ,maybe Dinner and go home early evening , so not too much for them? They obviously want to have everyone over and its a one off .its not like they have to do 2 weeks of Roast Dinners is it? I dont think you are a dickhead BTW .!Maybe just rethink your plans is all you need to do

StoneColdSaidSo · 20/12/2019 18:18

It does sound like you have uninvited yourself. You already said that hosting doesn’t come naturally to your dm so she’s more than likely feeling overwhelmed. She definitely won’t have time to pop over for a coffee.

I agree with a pp you do come across as a little rude in your replies. Have you actually spoken to your dm and asked if it’s ok for you and dh to go after all?

Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 18:19

My mum is very easily put upon and I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm a burden. So it upsetting to know that it appears I'm actually causing this myself.

OP posts:
damnthatanxiety · 20/12/2019 18:19

You haven't been pushed out at all. You have removed yourself. COMPLETELY different. The only way you could be accommodated is for your mum to tell all the other people that they are no longer invited. That clearly would be ridiculous. Your dm is quite reasonable to not want to rush about on Christmas Eve or Boxing day,. She is probably feeling overwhelmed.

Haworthia · 20/12/2019 18:19

Your parents are already hosting a lot of people, so I’m not sure an extra two would make an awful lot of difference.

I’m sorry, but I do get a whiff of burning martyr from your OP and it seems like you’re primarily annoyed that people aren’t feeling sorry enough for you.

Is there a backstory? Are you childless but not by choice and feel like your sister gets preferential treatment?

beautifulstranger101 · 20/12/2019 18:20

OP, you aren't a dick! But I think you DO need to be more assertive and clear about what you want. If you really feel Christmas day is going to be too much for your parents then why not suggest an alternative day? take the initiative and arrange it. Tell them what you've told us- that you'd really really love to spend time with them all and go about making that happen.

bigknickersbigknockers · 20/12/2019 18:22

I'm sure your Mum would want you there, just tell her you do really want to go to hers for Christmas and help out where possible

Original poster
My2ndfavouriteFword · 20/12/2019 18:22

Ok really genuinely sorry if I've been rude in my replies to any one that was in no way my intention. I'm really upset not so thanks for giving me some perspective. I'm sure it will be helpful once I'm a bit less upset. But I think I'll just leave the thread now as I'm obviously coming across unpleasantly.

OP posts:
BettysLeftTentacle · 20/12/2019 18:23

I think it would be more selfish to add to that.

If you really thought that, you wouldn’t be complaining about being pushed out.

Honestly, all this sounds like very hard work to me.

Gazelda · 20/12/2019 18:25

You're not a dick. Or a twat. But you aren't being clear - were you invited but declined?

You seem to have decided what is best for your parents, and resent your DSis and her in-laws as a result - hence the martyr comments.

Your DM might be feeling hurt that you've assumed you're not wanted at Christmas, and is therefore. It pushing you to change your mind.

If I were you, I'd call Mum and say that you're really sad to not be seeing them all on Christmas Day, would it be ok if you brought a cheeseboard over early evening and spend it with them. Obviously, that depends if your DP wants to too.

Ragwort · 20/12/2019 18:28

Why don’t you invite your family over on Christmas Eve, just for tea and cakes or light snacks? Doesn’t have to be too formal?

Josette77 · 20/12/2019 18:31

You aren't rude in the thread at all, it just sounds like you uninvited yourself and are now moping. There was no reason for you to uninvite yourself. It's kind of passive aggressive.

Xiaoxiong · 20/12/2019 18:37

Your mum may have agreed it was a lot of people to host but I don't understand how that means she doesn't want you there!!

So mum how many are coming for Christmas?
Oh about 10 (or something)
Gosh that's a lot mum
Yes it is a lot

Did you then say "would you rather I stayed home and we catch up another time?" And she said "yes I think that's best"? In this case I think you're not unreasonable to feel pushed out.

Or did you say "ok then let's catch up after Christmas" and she said "are you sure, we'd love to see you" and you said "oh no no I wouldn't add any more to your burden" and she said "well if you're sure"... in this case I think you aren't communicating clearly and probably your mum thinks you don't actually want to come at all.

So just ring her and say "is that invitation still open?? What can I bring"

ElloBrian · 20/12/2019 18:39

Is your mum a bit of a martyr too? In which case I can understand why you handled it this way. But really OP it won’t get you anywhere. If you want to go, just say you’re coming and ask if you can help by bringing starter or cheeseboard.

Wineislifex · 20/12/2019 18:41

I think your trying to be a martyr, if you want to go ask! Don’t sit feeling sad and biting your nose off to spite your face! I’m sure if she’s hosting so many two more won’t make much difference!

sanmiguel · 20/12/2019 18:43

This does all sound very hard work. You got invited. You turned down offer as seems like a lot of people. As a childless couple, your mum prob thought you were electing a quieter Xmas.

Either go or don't. I'm sure my response would be more along the lines of 'a lot of people this year mum I'll bring the starter/desert or extra chairs and help with prep if you want', not i won't go?!

EsmeSwan · 20/12/2019 18:44

It's not a competition OP!

Floralnomad · 20/12/2019 18:47

Fgs , just tell your mum that you’ve changed your mind , and you would like to come and help her host so what does she want you to bring and do they need any extra chairs .

Wtfdoipick · 20/12/2019 18:49

I normally host 35 people for christmas, it's a lot of people, I'd agree with that sentiment, it's not easy but I do it because I want everyone of those people there to enjoy Christmas together. I'd be livid if someone else decided it was too much for me and they weren't coming. I know you are thinking of your mum but it looks like you may have got this one wrong.

Choice4567 · 20/12/2019 18:57

I think the main problem OP is that we don't know how the conversation went. From your OP it sounds like your mum might have said

'We'd love to have both of on Christmas Day , just so you know it'll be a full house because so and so are coming'

'Oh no thanks, that's ok but it sounds pretty busy so we'll stay at home.'

And now you feel like you've been pushed out

HugoSpritz · 20/12/2019 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spitsandspots · 20/12/2019 19:13

I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home
But why? If you wanted to go you shouldn’t have said that you would stay home.

I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm a burden
But is it possible that this is just your issue and that nobody thinks that at all?

What I'd like is for her and my other family to be bothered about seeing me at Christmas. So even saying she'd pop in for a coffee or something
How? When she has all that prep /cooking to do? Are you going to pop in to her for coffee so you can see everyone?

Honestly, if I were you, I would just say “actually we would love to join you” even if you say you would love to join them just for dessert & coffee. If you don’t, then you really can’t complain about being pushed out, especially when you were the one who said you will stay at home.

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