I feel pushed out of family Christmas

[My2ndfavouriteFword]

My sister had her second baby in November. I don't have any children. I love my nieces very much. Her husband's family are visiting from the other side of the world. They don't celebrate Christmas in their home country. My sister, her dh, children and in laws are going to my parents for Christmas lunch. My grandparents are going too. I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home. (Me and my partner) my parents aren't natural hosts and I think it's overwhelming.

I have spoken to my mum about plans over Christmas and I'm just feeling a bit pushed out. My sister hasn't acknowledged I effectively can't come to my parents on Christmas day due to her in laws. When I spoke to my mum I hoped she might acknowledge I'm a bit pushed out but no. I asked her about boxing day and she is going the sales. I asked about Christmas eve and she was just generally non committal.

I've helped out a lot with the baby and my older niece around this time. In addition to lots of help when my older niece was born and ongoing taking her out etc. So I'm a bit sad I'll not get to see her much over Christmas. I'm trying to say I'm not just about me all the time. But also a bit disappointed I'm kind of disposable when other people are around.

Equally I don't want to be selfish and know a newborn is tough. So wonder if I should just suck it up?

You did say it was a lot for her so go along and help out. See what you can do beforehand and take with you so she has less to do. Give her a hand, be a daughter not a guest.

I'd be really sad if someone didn't come to my house because they thought it would be too much for me. I would tell them if I didn't want them. If an adult child chose not to come because their siblings' in laws were coming I'd probably assume they were being grumpy about there being people there they didn't want there. I'd see if you can re-invite yourselves. You can always offer to bring things to help your mum. It might even be a help you being there since your sister is probably going to be helping entertain her in-laws.

I think you're probably kind and thoughtful in real life. Don't let this upset you.

She's your mum though, ask if you'd like to go.

Hi OP, you sound to me like you struggle a bit with social anxiety. If so you have my sympathies.

In your shoes I’d do one of the following, whichever you feel most comfortable with:
1 ask if you can change your mind and go along and ask what you can bring
2 ask if you can go along for part of the day but not the main meal eg coffee and say you’ll bring mince pies, breakfast and offer to bring stuff for Buck’s Fizz
3 invite them round for Xmas eve, doesn’t have to be a meal could just be hot chocolate and mince pies
4 say you’d like to go to the Boxing Day sales too, can you go along
5 invite them for a meal on Boxing Day

You could always do several of those things and just have your parents to one and your sister and her family to another

I hope you do have a lovely Christmas. For the times when it is just you and DH think about doing something special. Wishing you well

OP, it doesn't sound as though you are pushed out. It sounds as though you have stepped away.
If you want to go ask and offer to help your mum.

You're not coming across as a dick.

But it does sound as if you uninvited yourself.

It was up to your mum to say "I don't want you here it's too many" whereas it sounds like there was hinting on both sides maybe: it's a lot of people / is it too many people.

If it's too late to go for lunch / the meal why not go for breakfast or supper? Or offer to have some of them on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve.

As with most relationship challenges, it’s a very basic lack of clarity around communication.
You don’t want to overwhelm your mother and feel there’s a lot of people already.
To avoid offence you said you’d stay at home.
Your family took this as you wanting to be at home rather than with them.
You’re now disgruntled because they didn’t realise you actually wanted to join in.
The answer is to have an honest and explicit conversation that says you recognise that there are lots of people but hope they can squeeze you in too as you’re feeling you want to be part of the family at Christmas.
My view is that walls are fairly elastic and you can fit in the people you want to - albeit you might need to seat someone on a upturned waste paper bin.
Offer to take something to make it easier for your mother.

Wow you sound hard work, just go. Nobody has uninvited you except yourself. Sometimes we have to ignore that voice in our head that makes us anxious, you obviously suffer with anxiety OP and I feel for you I'm the same but sometimes you have to gagg that bitch up in your head and ignore

YANBU if the in laws don't even celebrate Christmas then they could go a different day. It sounds like you just want your parents to see you at some point - not necessarily the dinner.
Your DM is no doubt trying to accommodate the visitors.
We have the opposite. As soon as we had kids nobody wanted to see us over Christmas. Like you we suggested alternative to the actual day.
It is hurtful - especially when other people keep asking "so what are you doing for Christmas?"

Perhaps a better approach might have been: 'Well, Mum/Dad, that's going to be a lot of people to cater for on Christmas day. How about I bring the Christmas pudding/ arrive early and help prep the vegetables/ bring a couple of extra chairs'.

I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home

I feel like..? Its not in your home and you're not the host.

Unfortunately you've now discovered that trying to centre yourself and control what others do & how they do it, will eventually result in you being left to get on with it.

I find that people who list how they help others seem to think they are owed some kind of reverence. & that in itself is a form of manipulation really.

You were invited. You can go. But if its the case that you're put out by the In-laws being around them, best to stay at home

mum wont be available on another time, so you can offer some help and attend.
2 more people shouldnt affect much, but your help would be very valuable.
maybe she thinks you dont want to attend and thats why she wrote of the other times to see her instead.

It sounds to me like there are a lot of overwhelmed people here: your dsis has a young family and in-laws to entertain, your dm is out of her depth hosting. They’re probably so caught up in it that they just haven’t a thought to spare for you. Thats often the way with those closest to us. We can sort of take them for granted, or put them last in situations where we’re putting on a bit of a show for strangers.

I can understand where you’re coming from op. It’s like an unfinished interaction. You’ve made the gracious gesture of stepping back and they’re supposed to say “oh no, we’ll miss you” or “of course it’s not too much trouble” or “when will we see you” or “thank you so much for being so thoughtful” or something. I can absolutely see how you have ended up feeling this way.

It could be that you’re underlying fear that you’re a burden is true, but honestly I think it’s far more likely that the very opposite is the case. When we had visitors at home family was expected to give up their seats/meals/beds. But when my ds left home and got married she acquired visitor status and I lost my seat when she visited. It wasn’t that I was less important, or less favoured, if anything I was closer to the inner circle. And now that I’m the visitor I’m a little jealous of my younger siblings!

In this situation you’ve given up your seat at the table, and maybe they unconsciously see that as your natural prerogative as someone who fully belongs at the table under normal circumstances.

I think you’ve got a bit trapped here, because you need someone to notice how you’re feeling and reach out. And right now they’re all up to their eyes in their own issues. I think you need to break out of that passive head space and reach out and just take what you need. Rainbowqueen has some great suggestions. sometimes practising saying things a few times can help, because you can realise that, actually that doesn’t sound too bad.

Learning to take what you need from relationships can be as important as giving and supporting and especially if you are already as instinctively thoughtful and considerate as you sound. And it is even more important if you’ve settled into patterns where people take your giving for granted.

I hope you can figure out a way to resolve this and have a lovely Christmas

If you said that then I'd presume you didn't want to come as it was too busy.

Ring her and say sorry I've changed my mind, we'd like to join everyone.

Be prepared to bring chairs etc

I can understand how you feel but that’s what you need to remember, it’s how you feel not what has really happened. Tell your mum that you’d like to go after all, ask her what you can take with you to help (prepped veg ready to go, starter, dessert, crackers, a few chairs, plates, cutlery, whatever!) and go and join in!

Hi OP. I've read the first page and a half and I'm once again shocked by how cruel and mean mumsnetters can be. I'm sorry you have come in the line of fire. Some people, I think, just like feeling superior to others whether there are any facts substantiating that at all. I personally don't think you're rude and I don't think you're being a martyr. You are feeling sad because your family are not doing the things you hoped/ expected which would tell you that they are bothered about spending time with you over Xmas. What occurs to me is what would it be like to invite people to yours for a celebration? It does not have to be a meal if you don't have space, maybe just drinks and nibbles? Your sister may be at the sales but that won't be all day will it? You could also perhaps share that it feels sad to have no space to celebrate with your family and ask people whether they'd like to do that and when might be a good time.

I feel like this is a lot of people so we've said we'll stay at home.

my parents aren't natural hosts and I think it's overwhelming.

this is your answer.... right there..

Ok really genuinely sorry if I've been rude in my replies to any one that was in no way my intention. I'm really upset not so thanks for giving me some perspective. I'm sure it will be helpful once I'm a bit less upset. But I think I'll just leave the thread now as I'm obviously coming across unpleasantly.

This is very like saying 'I want to come for Christmas but obviously it is too much hard work for you if I do come so I will stay at home and be upset that no-one has insisted that I come or visited me or noticed my massive sacrifice.'

The very core of passive-aggressive is making every situation about the passive-aggressive person. For other people, life goes on and they are engaged with that instead.

The fact that the in laws who don't even celebrate Christmas are there at your mums just sounds a bit cheeky of your sister and bil.
It's a strange time of year for the inlaws to visit imo. Especially as they don't celebrate it but have to be included at the cost of your mum being overburdened with people on Christmas Day.
Just go and don't be pushed out.

My DSis does this type of thing. In the past we would need to ask if she was sure and please would she come and it won't be the same without her etc. It's tiring and irritating and feels like she does it for attention so now I just say "Aw ok DSis, you'll be missed" and leave it at that.

If you really do want to go please just go. I'm sure everyone wants you to be there. There is always room for another 2 people and always a need for some extra hands to help out.