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Original poster

Partner met a woman at the gym :/

60 replies

ladygaga14 · 20/12/2019 01:16

So my partner met a woman at the gym. He told me one day that she had asked him to help her with some of the equipment, & that was no problem. Then I walk in to the gym some weeks later to find him with her again- just the 2 of them. He did introduce us & I was v friendly but her face hit the floor when She saw me & they swiftly left together as they had finished working out. I approached him about it & he was furious. He doesn’t understand at all why I’d be upset. Turns out they’ve been messaging each other to meet to work out. I don’t speak to any other men at the gym, whereas he has met lots of women there. This really concerns me as I wouldn’t even know how to strike up a conversation with a man at the gym without feeling like I was giving the wrong idea. I feel he being is over friendly towards other women & it makes me feel insecure. Would anyone else feel upset by this or am I just being overly insecure?

OP posts:
Strawberryoranges · 20/12/2019 01:33

Your being unreasonable for the most part. He’s done nothing to suggest he’s stepping out on you.

QueenofPain · 20/12/2019 01:42

I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner texting random women from the gym and arranging to work out with them, unless he was working there as a PT, FFS.

And the fact they left together, when you, his wife, were still in the building.

PhoneLock · 20/12/2019 01:45

I am a gym regular and have absolute problem striking up conversations or training with men (and women). I'm also a member of a chat group and will message them to organise runs etc and just general chat. My DH doesn't have a problem with me doing so.

I would suggest that you might be being overly insecure, however, I haven't singled out any one person to train with or message. It's a group thing.

Would agree that the bit about them leaving together , apparently leaving you behind is a bit odd.

OldWomanSaysThis · 20/12/2019 01:45

Maybe he never told her he had a partner - hence her shock.

PhoneLock · 20/12/2019 01:45

absolutely no problem...

Pinkbonbon · 20/12/2019 02:01

I'd have more of a problem with him trying to convince you he 'doesn't understand' (yes, he f*cking does) and being 'furious' with you. Does he have form for being a gas lighting piece of shit?

That reaction alone (even without her reaction) tells you all you need to know about his character. A decent partner and person would have felt horrible that this was making you feel insecure and want to do all he could to reassure you of his love.

Yes, men are aloud female friends. But he just met this lady and is getting all hot and sweaty with her and texting her. It is a little inappropriate for a married man and at the very least, he should understand your insecurities.

Just incase it is relevant - it is common for narcissists and the like to act like thy 'just don't get it' so that you focus on explaining why you are hurt in various different ways, hoping for them to understand. They DO understand! They just don't care!

Acting angry and things like calling you crazy or oversensitive are common behaviour from those sorts too. All to get you to look inwards and doubt yourself.

'Narcissistic triangulation' is something they may also do. Commonly it is when two people (eg you and the new gym buddie) are pitted against each other. Usually it starts by them name dropping this person and making you feel like they have a new shiny toy... and you are yesterdays news. But if you confront them about this feeling, they tell you you are wrong to feel that way. But instead of providing comfort, they act hurt/angry/accusatory or turn it round on you .

You have a right to feel the way you feel. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

Original poster
ladygaga14 · 20/12/2019 02:34

Thanks for your replies guys, really appreciated. I did go totally OTT & admitted that but was so angry as when I asked how he met her he wouldn’t tell me & it transpires that she added him on social media prior to meeting him at the gym.

I don’t know if he did tell her about me but he said he reassured her that it was ok & he had told her about me.

He says even if she was interested, he doesn’t care as he isn’t / but totally doesn’t get why it would bother me. I don’t have any straight male friends but if I met some reasonable attractive straight guy at the gym who I thought fancied me I’d definitely go out of my way to avoid him :(

I just feel so sad that he can’t see it from my point of view at all. Now I’m the crazy one for losing my rag with him for refusing to tell me about her.

OP posts:
AllyBamma · 20/12/2019 02:59

Casual friendly chats in the gym - fine.
Getting to the point where you’re exchanging numbers and texting each other? Hell no! Super inappropriate and definitely crossed but that’s just how I feel. You set your own rules in your relationship. How would he feel if the roles were reversed and you’d met a guy at the gym and began texting him?

outherealone · 20/12/2019 02:59

Leaving with her would really fuck me off. He should have said goodbye to her and hung out with you for a bit.
Making plans to meet a new woman on a regular basis after having met through soc media sounds like moving towards dating/sex territory. His boundaries are skewed.
Is he making friends with random gym men too?

outherealone · 20/12/2019 03:00

You’re not crazy btw. He’s taking the piss.

Pinkbonbon · 20/12/2019 03:01

But you aren't crazy, anyone would feel the same in your position. You may have overreacted, I don't know as I wasn't there, but but the feelings you have are perfectly normal. And it is worrying that you are saying he doesn't get it. Because of course he gets it! He would feel exactly the same if the roles are reversed-a little uncomfortable. You should have to explain empathy to someone!

Are you taking on board the fact that his reaction to your reaction - isnt OK.

Might be wise to Google DARVO.

Trust your gut.

Pinkbonbon · 20/12/2019 03:02

*shouldn't have to

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 07:49

He left with her???? Are you serious?!! I would be livid! He needs to apologise to you and stop seeing her me any other random girl at the gym.

Spacerader · 20/12/2019 07:52

I wouldn't be happy, and I dint consider myself a crazy wife type.

There is a casual chat at the gym and then messaging to meet. My partner wouldn't even consider doing this out of respect. I would not do this either.

category12 · 20/12/2019 07:55

Their contact started before the gym? How did that happen?

Original poster
ladygaga14 · 20/12/2019 10:47

They apparently know each other as she is distantly related to someone he knows. I have no idea how they both knew that & think it was highly inappropriate for her to add him on social media before they had even met. She’s In a long term relationship apparently but no sign of that on her social media. I don’t receive messages from other men & if I did, I would tell him straight away. He says he shouldn’t have to tell me these things?!

OP posts:
PhoneLock · 20/12/2019 10:48

I don’t have any straight male friends but if I met some reasonable attractive straight guy at the gym who I thought fancied me I’d definitely go out of my way to avoid him

I think you are perhaps being a bit unreasonable here. Regardless of sexual orientation, it takes two to tango and nothing will happen unless you want it to, no matter how much they fancy you.

wateringtrees · 20/12/2019 11:15

Meets women at the gym and hands out his number? Yeah it'd be a no from me.

ChristmasSweet · 20/12/2019 11:26

He left with another woman? Christ he's a twat.

He's getting angry at you because something has probably happened. He wouldn't get angry at you if he was innocent. Either that or he wants something to happen.

She didn't know about you either from her reaction. So why is he keeping you secret?

I'd start going to the gym with him and seeing if he has a problem with it. If he does you have your answer.

snoopy18 · 20/12/2019 11:28

I think it’s inappropriate personally unless it’s a personal trainer etc

Lovemusic33 · 20/12/2019 11:29

I go to the gym every day and I don’t really speak to anyone, most people are wearing headphones and doing their own thing so I would find it odd if a random guy came up and started talking to me.

I only see one couple at the gym that work out together.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/12/2019 11:34

I could kind of see his point if they'd met in the gym and ended up helping each other out and got chatting that way, but this random woman added him on social media, he accepted her, got chatting, arranged to meet her in the gym then lied about why he was talking to her (he told you they'd met in the gym) and left with her, leaving you behind?

He's basically shoving the other woman in your face.

Moominfan · 20/12/2019 11:38

Your not crazy he's a dick. Trust your gut on this op

user1479305498 · 20/12/2019 11:52

I suspect the cool women on here haven’t encountered a situation where your oh so trustworthy partner/DH does something extremely untrustworthy that starts off like this. Problem is many of us have and rightly or wrongly it cannot help but taint these ‘friendships’ that seem to be a bit too friendly and where you suddenly come second

StormTreader · 20/12/2019 12:05

He's angry because he was enjoying the ego stroke and the idea that something could happen or might happen or was building up to happen.....

Now you've brought it into full-view, it's exposed it as the sordid little cheating attempt that it is, and she now knows the real score which means she'll now either cool it off OR is knowingly publicly having an affair if anything does happen.