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Original poster

Partner met a woman at the gym :/

60 replies

ladygaga14 · 20/12/2019 01:16

So my partner met a woman at the gym. He told me one day that she had asked him to help her with some of the equipment, & that was no problem. Then I walk in to the gym some weeks later to find him with her again- just the 2 of them. He did introduce us & I was v friendly but her face hit the floor when She saw me & they swiftly left together as they had finished working out. I approached him about it & he was furious. He doesn’t understand at all why I’d be upset. Turns out they’ve been messaging each other to meet to work out. I don’t speak to any other men at the gym, whereas he has met lots of women there. This really concerns me as I wouldn’t even know how to strike up a conversation with a man at the gym without feeling like I was giving the wrong idea. I feel he being is over friendly towards other women & it makes me feel insecure. Would anyone else feel upset by this or am I just being overly insecure?

OP posts:
PhoneLock · 20/12/2019 12:14

I go to the gym every day and I don’t really speak to anyone

My gym is quite social and members meet up to exercise out of the gym and to socialise generally.

In fact, the social aspect, speaking to other members, both men and women is one of the reasons I keep going. Exercise alone can be really boring.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 20/12/2019 12:31

She deffo sounds interested... what was the need to go the whole social media way/numbers and her faced dropped when she saw you?

You have a DH problem as I have seen people say on here. He has obv not mentioned you much at all and he should be working out with you not her!

tomatoesandstew · 20/12/2019 12:42

I'm quite addicted to the Evan Mark KAtz dating blog and there was a question about a man being friends with his ex.

The response is essentially the same - you either think your partner is a good trustworthy man who can have friendships with women and not be sleazy or you don't trust him and he shouldnt be your boyfriend.

I think you will know in your gut what the truth is - i have dated people who were just naturally friendly, bubbly and outgoing and i wouldn't have been threatened if they were making female friends.
There are others that i would just know they were at least lining something up.
He is being defensive at best to say he doesn't get at all why this would look a bit weird/ iffy.

Trust your gut and think about what the relationship is that you want, whether he is trust worthy.

Ilovecat · 20/12/2019 13:16

No way. This is how it all starts.
I would be right pissed off and mad.

MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 20/12/2019 13:25

I go to a swim group, quite often i'm the only female there.

If I miss a week the guys will text me to see how I am.
We sometimes text each other to meet up for different sessions or outdoor swims.

No intention of doing anything other than swimming.

MEN AND WOMEN WITH SHARED INTERESTS CAN JUST BE FRIENDS!!!!

Middersweekly · 20/12/2019 13:31

I would have said initially that if they are just training at the gym then it’s really not a big deal but....she added him on social media!! Then approached him at the gym to ask for help!! She is definitely trying to get his attention! Her face dropped when she met you because she either thought/ hoped he was single or she knew you would start asking questions. It sounds like she’s slowly trying to encroach on his life. I think your DP is enjoying the ego boost. If he had any kind of decency he would tell her to do one!

HalyardHitch · 20/12/2019 13:38

Yes men and women with shared interests can be friends but this doesn't sound like what's going on here

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/12/2019 13:46

@MoreSexPleaseImBritish that's fine - what you're talking about it entirely platonic, but if your DP turned up would you introduce him to your swim friends and then leave with another man?
Would you have told him you'd met them while swimming when really you'd met them on social media then decided to go swimming with them?
It's also different being in a group or club.

ukgift2016 · 20/12/2019 13:49

OP ignore the 'cool women' here who most likely don't even have partners.

Your man sounds like a slime.

Palavah · 20/12/2019 13:50

So he lied to you about how they started talking? And he hadn't once mentioned you in any of their conversation, even in passing? I assume you live together? So that's weird.

he has met lots of women there.
Has he met any men? Any women who are 30 years older than him?Hmm

Fairylea · 20/12/2019 13:50

Totally and utterly inappropriate. This is how it starts and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool.

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/12/2019 13:51

it transpires that she added him on social media prior to meeting him at the gym.

I think this sounds a bit odd but if the vaguely related thing is true, then it's not quite so weird.

MEN AND WOMEN WITH SHARED INTERESTS CAN JUST BE FRIENDS!!!!

This is SO true although you'd never know given so many MN posts where women are getting upset about their partners having a drink with a FEMALE colleague or friend. There seems to be a lot of women assuming every other woman is desperate to jump into bed with their (usually middle-aged) man. It's really not the case! You either trust your partner or you don't. And if you don't, you need to look at why and if that can change or not.

My gym is very friendly. I'm quite outgoing (I'm Northern so I'll talk to anyone lol). I have lots of gym friends, both male and female although probably more males as I see them in the gym more. With some of them we message on social media, we arrange to meet at the gym or occasionally go for drinks/food/sports events.

I'm closest to one man in particular. In fact he was just messaging me about meeting at the gym and then going for brunch together this weekend to catch up (he's been on holiday and is just flying back now). He's straight and married. I'm no threat to his wife whatsoever. She's very welcome to brunch, in fact I'd love to meet her. I have other male gym friends. I met one (pre-arranged) at the gym yesterday to do cardio together. He's gay apparently (we've never talked about it). How I behave with him is exactly how I behave with my straight male gym friends. And my female gym friends. They're friends, nothing more. We have a shared interest. That's it. We support each other and we have a laugh. I am respectful of everyone's relationships and maintain appropriate boundaries. I've met some of the men's partners/wives and was very happy to meet them and look forward to next time I see them.

Tellmemaa · 20/12/2019 13:53

That’s really weird! YANBU at all.

Jaxhog · 20/12/2019 14:01

I get it. It isn't that they're friends, it's that you DH cut you out and is not being open and above board about it. I have male friends, my DH has female friends. However, we are completely open about who they are and would always include each other when we meet. It's also fair to say, that they are all part of friendship groups rather than special buddies. That's when it has to be handled a little more sensitively.

I wonder if your DH has told her that he's happily married? To go off together and just leave you was inexcusably rude.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/12/2019 14:02

Is your partner someone who speaks to anyone, regularly meets new people and calls someone a friend after one conversation? Do you think he would have acted the same way, if a distant relative / friend contacted him out of the blue and asked him to meet up to train? If so then I dont think there is an issue.

But I'm not sure how you can get from adding someone on social media and not really knowing them, to going to the gym together without a lot more in the middle?

Devereux1 · 20/12/2019 14:14

You are not the crazy one OP. Don't let him gaslight you.

Her face dropped when she saw you. He hadn't told you he was messaging her. No, no.

Think of it this way. My partner and I work out together at the gym at a lot. It's just what we do, if we're both at the same gym we enjoy supporting each other and having fun with our efforts! Even if we didn't, but we both belonged to the same gym, what would you say to me if I discovered he was working out with someone else, and messaging her behind my back?

LemonTT · 20/12/2019 14:27

Gyms are social places. They are designed to be to attract members. That means you get friendliness and flirting among adult people. It is a thing to offer to train with people. Although there isn’t much synergy between male and female regimes. It’s gets awkward upping and downing weights. I don’t recommend it.

I have met friends there and been asked to train. I have also been asked out. That’s at 50+.

My DP knows about this. He doesn’t need to police me because he trusts me to handle it. I would do the same for him. We don’t use the same gym btw.

But I wouldn’t trust the OPs partner given what she has said. Depending on the length of the relationship, I would decide he was not the one for me.

knewyouwerewaiting · 20/12/2019 14:31

Does he message you to meet at the gym and work out together or is it just random women he meets on social media?

Booksandwine80 · 20/12/2019 14:36

He left the gym with this woman and you were still there?! Shock

Cacklingmags · 20/12/2019 14:59

His reaction to your criticism is all you need to know. He was enjoying this liaison and is pissed off that you have found out.

damnthatanxiety · 20/12/2019 15:08

a) he was FURIOUS with you for being anxious. That is not the typical reaction from a loving partner who is not feeling guilty.
b) He left the gym with her??? Whilst you were still there??? Why is this not being flagged by more people? Where did they go? Why did they leave you? This is not normal.
c) I chat to some blokes at the gym. The chats are VERY simple and everyone managed to mention their partners 'casually' at the beginning so everyone was aware of everyones's status. It's what people do when they are sending out signals that they are not available. There is no room for confusion. That the OW was freaked out by your presence is not a good reaction.

mamato3lads · 20/12/2019 18:32

Nah....wouldn't have that. He sounds like a flirt and giving out the wrong signals. Dont take his bullshit, trust your instincts

TheReef · 20/12/2019 18:38

I'm a fairly laid back Person but this would bother me. Texting to meet up at the gym imo isn't on and is close to crossing into inappropriate

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/12/2019 18:43

Ropey as imo....

*Secret messaging: red flag
*Her reaction to you: red flag
*Him leaving with her: red flag

He left with her to explain himself because she clearly didn't know about you.

Wouldn't even waste my time getting angry.

Dump and upgrade.

MsDogLady · 20/12/2019 20:11

It is appalling that:
*She seemed stunned and then he just left you standing there as they ‘swiftly’ vamoosed together.

*He initially refused to tell you how he actually met her. You had no idea that they were messaging. He wanted to hide that.

*He got angry when you expressed discomfort, and he pretended to not understand your feelings so he could shift the blame to you.

OP, your feelings are valid. He is absolutely being dodgy here. He is prioritizing this woman and is making a fool of you.