Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a marriage be rebuilt after infidelity?

67 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 19/12/2019 14:15

Background is my DH had an 8 month affair which I found out about via messages on his phone in March. He moved out to a hotel and then to his mum’s and made it clear that he didn’t want the OW, there was never any future in it etc etc. He went to individual counselling and we went to couples counselling and I agreed to let him move back in after a few weeks - first on the sofa and later in our bed. I gave him another chance as he was doing all the right things, it seemed like a midlife crisis, we have two children together (one with disabilities) and he had previously been a good husband and is a great dad.

He was meant to cut contact with OW but I found that he texted her when we were on a family holiday in May - he said it was just to check she was ok as he bumped into her through work and she didn’t seem too good. More arguments, back on the sofa for a bit, told him she was not his responsibility etc etc.

He was also meant to give me full transparency over his phone - he did over his home phone but told me not to worry about his work phone as it is tightly controlled. In August I found him asleep in bed with his work phone on his chest - it looked suspicious so I asked to see it. He went to log in but got the wrong password then did the wrong pattern to open it after it had reset. I put the right pattern in and he then decided that I couldn’t see his phone after all. He has later claimed this was all a moment of madness due to the pressure of the situation!!!

I kicked him out after that incident and have been to the solicitors for an initial meeting about the divorce. However I haven’t pursued it further, mainly because I hate the thought of splitting our family up. Even though it is him who has done that, which makes me so angry that the decision is now with me. If we didn’t have children together I don’t think there would be any hesitation.

He is desperately trying to show me that over the 4 months since August he has progressed hugely with the issues he was working through, is in a much better place and can give me an amazing life (to be honest our life was pretty good before this). And he would never do anything to hurt me ever again. He wants me to go out for dinner with him, spend some time with him etc in the hope we can rebuild our marriage - he says he knows we would need to take this very slowly. I’ve no doubt that we could have a nice night out together (I realise I am being very amicable in all of this) but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. He thinks the trust will come in time but I think it is there until it is broken and then it is gone.

I think I’m just confused as until this he was a great husband and he doesn’t want a life other than with me and the children but I’m just not sure I can go there. And how I would even start to rebuild everything if I thought I could.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 19/12/2019 14:18

Honestly, I don't see how you could ever trust him again, especially with his work phone. Some people do rebuild, I tried to and he cheated again. I now have zero tolerance for any kind of cheating.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2019 14:22

You aren't splitting your family up. He is. 💐

Mrskeats · 19/12/2019 14:28

no

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2019 14:29

If there is no trust there is no relationship. He can still be a decent parent to his children if he chooses to do so if you remain apart. He has indeed split the family up through his actions.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. You would not want them as adults to stay in a relationship where the other person has cheated so why should you do so and in additional for them?. Its a terrible reason frankly to remain with him and is infact no reason at all. Whose sake is it really for; its certainly not theirs so it could be argued its for your sake.

Do not stay with him for the sake of the children. They will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them, its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them too.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 19/12/2019 14:30

Thanks for the replies. It is just so hard as he is so persuasive - how much he loves me, he’s made a horrendous mistake, feels so remorseful, will never forgive himself, thinks we can have an amazing life etc etc. And as I said he was a decent person before all this and a great dad - no other real issues in the marriage, probably lost an emotional connection and looking back now he was struggling with some slight MH issues which I didn’t recognise. Relationship became more ‘functional’ but I understand from from friends that is not unusual with youngish children (especially in our case one with a disability).

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 19/12/2019 14:32

I think if I stayed it would be a good thing for the children as there is no arguing, not a toxic relationship etc. But it most likely would not be a good thing for me. But then again neither is going through a divorce and sharing access to my children.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2019 14:34

He is fundamentally not the person you thought he was. He can be a good parent to his children if you are apart and if he chooses to be so.

If he was truly a good dad as well he would not have cheated on the mother of his children. This is all on him and this is not yours to own or further burden yourself of for him.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2019 14:38

He said and did all the right things when the affair was exposed. And yet he still contacted OW again. While you were all on a family holiday, no less. What a bloody kick in the teeth. You seem very passive and resigned about the whole thing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2019 14:38

"I think if I stayed it would be a good thing for the children as there is no arguing, not a toxic relationship etc"

They would pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here between you two. There is no trust between you and he and he has also maintained contact with this other person post affair discovery. There's nothing to prevent him from doing that again and you could always be looking over your shoulder.

If you do not trust him there is really no relationship to speak of; do not teach your children that this example of a marriage could become their "norm" too.

tinytoast · 19/12/2019 14:38

no

Starlive23 · 19/12/2019 14:42

Please don't put this on you OP, you've done nothing wrong and have been treated so badly. You deserve much more.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 19/12/2019 14:43

I don’t think I could live that life. You must be young- you could have 50, 60 years ahead of you. Do you want to always feel this way? We only get one life; don’t waste it feeling like the other shoe is always l about to drop.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2019 14:45

he’s made a horrendous mistake
A mistake would be a ONS. Not a sustained 8 month affair.
The lies and deceit that takes is enormous!
Then to say he has cut contact but has not is another kick in the teeth.
Then to claim it AGAIN and still be lying. NOPE!
He really isn't trying to cut contact.
He is trying to have his cake and eat it too!
If you want to allow that then you can.
But you will never trust him again.
You will be looking over your shoulder every single day!
He's a cunt.
He has done this to his family. Not you!
Have boundaries. Don't let people keep trouncing them.
He doesn't give a shit about you.
If he did he wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.
Even after discovery, if he really wanted it to work for you then he would have cut contact.
He didn't.
He's a creepy sleaze!
Can you ever imagine wanting him to touch you again????

Puta · 19/12/2019 14:45

You need to get angry, OP. He's taking you for an absolute mug.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 19/12/2019 14:45

justmuddlingalong I think I am. I have found it difficult to find my anger because he is so upset about the whole thing - how he has ruined his life and our lives, he wishes every day he could rewind the clock etc. It is hard to be angry with someone who is beating themselves up about it. Plus I am not generally an angry person. My mum is the same with him, to the extent that she has actually being saying to my auntie ‘Poor Lady’s DH!!!’ Which did make me angry at the whole situation!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2019 14:47

Has he even asked how YOU are feeling?
Does he even consider what you want?
Does he respect what you are saying YOU want?
Not a bit of it - NO!
It's all about poor him.
Fuck that OP.

OrangeHue · 19/12/2019 14:52

He’s clearly carried on having contacted with OW, perhaps even still cheating on you (sounds likely as he refused to show you his phone).

He hasn’t changed and doesn’t sound like he will, so to me the only question is If you stay, will you be ok with him cheating on you?

Dollyparton3 · 19/12/2019 14:54

I went round this loop 3 times before I left my exh and it was exhausting OP. The wondering, the looking over my shoulder, the going through his pockets and the bin and his laptop whenever I had a sneaky suspicion. Every day for 3 months at one point I went through his phone when he got in the shower (it was the only time it wasn't glued to himz

And you know what? I'd already caught him out on the first affair.

Then next it was his constant attempts to sext other women after I'd forgiven him.

The final straw was only when the first other woman texted me to say "he's tried to get in contact with me, he's your problem now, not mine".

That's when I finally blew my lid and very secretly started to give my head a wobble and work a way out. And I did. In style. And I married again this year to an amazing man 9 years after my life fell apart in my early 30's.

Eventually the lack of trust will drive you up the wall, not him. If I had my time again I would have walked away the first time. Not the third

LemonTT · 19/12/2019 14:54

OP he probably does want his old life back. But you need to remember that life wasn’t exclusively about you and your children. It included having a girlfriend on the side.

So do you want to give him that opportunity again for the 4th time? Because on three occasions he has chosen the life with you that includes her. Are you ok with this or even the thought that it will be that unless you check phones, bank balances and work trips. Personally I couldn’t stand the idea of policing the relationship that is supposed to bring me joy, love and security.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 14:56

Maybe after the first incident op, but when he continued to speak to her and likely see her, I'm sure you don't believe for a moment he was doing a welfare check, then I personally would be out.

I'm sorry. But fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me comes to mind.

He does want another life other than you and the kids, he wants to be shagging other women. And there will be someone else soon enough

JustASmallTownCurl · 19/12/2019 15:06

how much he loves me, he’s made a horrendous mistake, feels so remorseful, will never forgive himself, thinks we can have an amazing life etc etc.

I found this element really hard too my love. My ex was abusive in a number of ways. I have no doubt he loved me to the best of my ability or that he regrets it or that he hated himself for it, every time he did it. But the point is for all his declarations he wouldn't or couldn't change.

Someone feeling sorry doesn't mean you are obliged to be able to move on from things. I couldn't stay with him living with no trust and an all consuming fear of them doing it again, which you'd have especially as he contacted her again despite promising not to in order to win you back.

Agree with PP you will never look at him in the same way again. Especially as he has had chances to prove he would follow through on his promises but has let you down.

Of course everyone is different OP but the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Faith50 · 19/12/2019 15:07

In your circumstance I would struggle to continue in this marriage. Reasons:

He had a eight month long affair - unsure if emotional or physical or both. In my eyes this was a relationship. Eight months of messaging, lying about his whereabouts, sexual encounters.

He contacted ow in May to check she was okay. Ow's needs were prioritised over yours.

He contacted OW in August (from work mobile). Again ow's needs were prioritised over yours.

He refused to give you access to his phone despite wanting to supposedly make it work.

Your counselling work was for nothing. Your dh was and is not committed to making your marriage work.

OP this post looks very familiar. Did you send a similar post several months ago?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 19/12/2019 15:14

He is manipulating you with his words. His actions are telling you who he is. He knew exactly what he was risking even before he shagged her, he was pursuing her. He has lied to you repeatedly. Sadly you're not the first and you won't be the last. And he justifies it by concern for HER???? Where was his concern for YOU??? Or your CHILDREN???? He put her first. Give yourself the best Christmas present of a new life apart from this lying unfaithful coward. Yuk!!!

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 15:15

He didn't contact her to see if she was ok, it's the opposite, it wasn't she didn't look good, it was she looked very good. That's why he contacted her. He thought he'd sorted it at home and he could safely go back there.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/12/2019 15:15

Encourage him to be honestly non-monogamous in future.

If that's not for you, then wave him goodbye at the same time.