Can a marriage be rebuilt after infidelity?

[LadyDowagerHatt]

Background is my DH had an 8 month affair which I found out about via messages on his phone in March. He moved out to a hotel and then to his mum’s and made it clear that he didn’t want the OW, there was never any future in it etc etc. He went to individual counselling and we went to couples counselling and I agreed to let him move back in after a few weeks - first on the sofa and later in our bed. I gave him another chance as he was doing all the right things, it seemed like a midlife crisis, we have two children together (one with disabilities) and he had previously been a good husband and is a great dad.

He was meant to cut contact with OW but I found that he texted her when we were on a family holiday in May - he said it was just to check she was ok as he bumped into her through work and she didn’t seem too good. More arguments, back on the sofa for a bit, told him she was not his responsibility etc etc.

He was also meant to give me full transparency over his phone - he did over his home phone but told me not to worry about his work phone as it is tightly controlled. In August I found him asleep in bed with his work phone on his chest - it looked suspicious so I asked to see it. He went to log in but got the wrong password then did the wrong pattern to open it after it had reset. I put the right pattern in and he then decided that I couldn’t see his phone after all. He has later claimed this was all a moment of madness due to the pressure of the situation!!!

I kicked him out after that incident and have been to the solicitors for an initial meeting about the divorce. However I haven’t pursued it further, mainly because I hate the thought of splitting our family up. Even though it is him who has done that, which makes me so angry that the decision is now with me. If we didn’t have children together I don’t think there would be any hesitation.

He is desperately trying to show me that over the 4 months since August he has progressed hugely with the issues he was working through, is in a much better place and can give me an amazing life (to be honest our life was pretty good before this). And he would never do anything to hurt me ever again. He wants me to go out for dinner with him, spend some time with him etc in the hope we can rebuild our marriage - he says he knows we would need to take this very slowly. I’ve no doubt that we could have a nice night out together (I realise I am being very amicable in all of this) but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. He thinks the trust will come in time but I think it is there until it is broken and then it is gone.

I think I’m just confused as until this he was a great husband and he doesn’t want a life other than with me and the children but I’m just not sure I can go there. And how I would even start to rebuild everything if I thought I could.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

Firstly, you did not split the family up! He did.
Secondly, It sounds like he still isn't being 100% honest with you. So, I doubt it will work.

I'm really sorry you are going through this!

The first time he was caught he thought you might "get over it" - and you did
The second time he was caught he though you'd almost certainly "get over it" - and he's still there
If you still remain with him he'll know there's absolutely no chance at there'll ever be any real consequences and that he can carry on doing exactly as he likes (but more carefully next time)

Can you honestly live like that?

Faith50 it was emotional and physical. The lies and deceit were horrendous - telling me it made sense to stay over the night before at his work conference elsewhere in the country so he wasn’t shattered driving down on the day. I agreed that was a good idea, had no clue he was staying at hers. In the texts I found she was buying him a toothbrush to stay at hers, they said they said they were perfection and ‘I love you ‘initials’. So pretty emotional too, although he denies that aspect, said he was carried away in the moment. And the presence of emojis on the text make the statement null and void.

Faith50 I posted a couple of times when I first found out about the affair. I don’t think I posted straight after the work phone incident as I was so sure then I couldn’t go back. He keeps chipping away and I find myself lowering my resolve. I’m hoping that writing it all down again and seeing the responses will help me build it back up again.

I think the fact he's still lying to you, as well as the fact spouted this crap when you found out, then proceeded to carry on with her, all the time lying to you, and is still must make it very difficult for you to keep pretending so you can stay with him

bluebella4 I think secondary to the affair that is the biggest issue for me - e has to be lying about the work phone incident but he still maintains there was nothing on it and he had a moment of madness. That is a huge sticking point for me. I had individual counselling and the counsellor said we could work on minimising that incident for me but I refused as I didn’t think it was right to not feel it. She also posed the scenario that he was still on his journey from the dark place he was in when that happened but now 4 months on he is in an even better place. It is possible but it’s a hell of a risk to take.

It’s a difficult one but as others have said, it wasn’t just one betrayal. It was 8 months and then when you found out, two more instances and these are just what you know about. Sometimes it’s time to move on. When men cheat they have usually either lost interest in their partner completely or are serial shaggers who will cheat regardless. Neither is a good option.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. The answer to your question is I just don't know. I know that there's certainly couples out there who say they have managed to rebuild trust, but it's such a personal thing and everyone is different. Everyone has things they can get past while others can't.

My situation is slightly similar to yours but a little different - there was no affair here but I caught my husband on a hook up site. I know there was no physical cheating and he never met up with anyone but the question does remain, would he have done it eventually if I hadn't caught him? Sadly I will never know the answer. I threw him out initially but we are now trying to work through it but like you, I am finding it really difficult to know if I can ever trust him again. He has been trying really hard and says he can't believe what he's almost thrown away, says I can look at his phone whenever I like etc etc - but it just doesn't help really does it. I don't WANT to feel the need to look at his phone or check up on him, I want our old relationship back where I trusted him implicitly but I'm not sure we'll ever get that back so right now I'm trying to decide if I can ever be happy with that.

I guess, a few questions - how did you find out about the affair? Did he come clean or did you catch him? So he texted the OW asking if she's OK - that's really not on. Does he ask YOU if you're OK? You say he's showing lots of remorse, sounds like he's saying all the right things, are his actions backing that up?

I really feel for you. The fact is, we are all human and there ARE people out there who make mistakes like this and do truly regret it and they never do it again. But unfortunately I have no way of knowing if my husband is one of them, just like you have no idea about yours. The only other thing I will say is 8 months is a long time to deceive you. I'm not sure I could forgive that level of deceit. But then again, I never thought I'd forgive what I've currently forgiven either. Only you can decide what the right thing to do is, and I completely understand how you feel in wanting to forgive him and not wanting to split your family up (but just remember if you don't stay together, it's him that has done that, NOT you). It's so hard x

OP I could not get over the planning to be together and the overall deceit. For 8 months he concucted scenarios to enable them to be together. He went as far as making you feel sorry for his commute. He looked you in the face and lied about where he was going and greeted you on his return. I am sure you called at times he was with her and he silenced her or did not answer your call. These would cut far more than the sex for me - the ease at which he deceived you for almost a year. Also he got caught. He did not confess and stop this of his own accord.

I am so sorry.

He keeps chipping away and I find myself lowering my resolve

Which illustrates quite well just how false his "remorse" is. Any decent man who genuinely regretted such appalling deceit would respect you enough to allow you to make your decision in peace - but instead it's all about how terrible he feels and still the lies continue

From all you've said, it's hard to see what there is that might be worth even trying for

Change your counsellor! I'm a counsellor and I would never say that to client!

You are there to work on your feelings and how it has affected you! Not minimise his behaviour. Your feelings are real and important. His journey has no place in your counselling place. You're right with regards to your feelings. As difficult as it is, you need to feel raw emotions to over come any event that has scarred us. During you aren't in a rational state of mind but later on down when we are ready when can then revisit and recover (hope that makes sense)

I sense their was evidence on that phone which would show he was lying. He will not admit his lies unless there is hard evidence.

You deserve better, and you are worth more than what this man is treating you!

Op, are you sure it actually finished? The repeated contact with her would indicate strongly it never ended.

Hello LDH:

the trouble with affairs is that they are addictive. It is how the OW makes him feel about himself - its not actually 'her'.

The other thing is that men with depression externalise it: they try and cure it by doing something really stupid (affair) so they can 'feel alive'. Idiots.

I also think you have acted very decisively in kicking him out - good for you.

How about insisting on separation for a bit and especially not allowing him home for Christmas.

Let him miss his family and family times in a hotel and see how marvellous OW is then. He can't disrespect you and expect no consequences.

Sail on serenely and don't do anything in a hurry, is my advice.

he still maintains there was nothing on it and he had a moment of madness
Well of course he does.
You have no proof do you?
Because HE deleted it.
He wouldn't allow you to see the phone because he had been in contact with her.
He is still lying to you.
He continues to lie to try to dig himself out of the hole he dug for HIMSELF.
He has not respect for you or your boundaries.
He's a selfish twat and you KNOW you deserve far far better than this cheating, lying, scumbag.

OP, yes it's possible.

But it takes a lot of work and compromise (on his part), not to mention complete and constant transparency.

Both DW and I have had emotional affairs at different times.

We are still together.
This has been the result of a lot of honesty (with ourselves, as well as with each other), and acceptance that if both want the relationship to work long-term, both have to be 100% committed.

For DW, this meant she wanted to see that I had made a clean break with the OW (i shared the last text conversation with her), and she has complete access to my phone. She has also asked me endless questions about the where/when/why/what, which I have not tried to shut down.

I want our relationship to work, so I don't have an issue with this - I broke her trust, and I need to rebuild. Transparency is what helps her.

For her EA, again she shared with me the "break-up" conversation, and she too allows me complete access to her phone, and would (and has) answer any questions I have.

I haven't checked up on her - I know it would be easy enough for her to hide things from me if she was desperate. However during her EA she was very distant and began to detach emotionally from us as a couple. This has not been the case since (and she is not someone who easily compartmentalises).

Does this mean we are both 100% sure neither would cheat again?
Of course not, but at this point we both believe the benefits of a good relationship together outweigh this risk.

Does this mean that once our DCs leave home, she won't immediately leave, and tell me she only stayed with me for their sake? No - this is also a possibility.

I can only judge her words and actions at this moment - and to me they show someone who is committed to us (and she can see the same from me).

I would suggest that your husband is not in the same position we are - it does not sound like he has not fully committed to rebuilding your trust It sounds more like he's just trying to keep his head down until you get over it, while maintaining some level of connection just in case you don't.

Gosh that was long - and it makes me sound very naive.
I definitely am not - we are both aware we are taking a big risk trusting each other again, but ultimately both feel it is worth it at this point.

@discontinuedmodelhusband that's great you both have worked things out.

I think the difference here is, her husband isn't being honest, she has given him a chance to be open and he has chosen to lie regarding his work phone.
You and your wife have done a great job at finding out what works for you and went with it. This lady has did her 50% he's done nothing.

Discontinued

What a positive experience. I like your honesty. You and your wife have committed to your marriage but you cannot guarantee what is to come.

Can I ask which one of you had the EA first.? You mention your wife could decide to up and leave when your DC are grown so I assume it was you.

I could have written your post OP it's so similar. I'm 3 years on from the drip feeding (finding out from digging) of information. He wants desperately to forget it ever happened. He has it easy as it's me that has constant anxiety from it. I don't know if I can carry on. I'm trying to fake it till I make it and hoping that I will forgive him but it's so hard.

He's still cheating, but you're a good wife and mother and willing to stay in domestic service to him, so he'd like to keep you in his service - whilst he continues to have sex with his girlfriend.

This is exactly the sort of man who waits until the yoursest hits 18 and flies for divorce. If he isn't staying with you to reduce the financial settlement, I'm a monkeys uncle. Seen it again and again. Leave now, on your own terms, and get a good financial settlement. You have decades ahead of you with which to start over with someone who actually likes you as a person.

No. Because it isn't just the shagging, it is the lying (and it isn't one lie it is MONTHS of lies) and all the thought and attention he put into the OW instead of his wife. Words are cheap and are just attempts at manipulation anyway, look at his actions.

I bet you eventually find out this was not his first affair. There is a certain type of man who has to be the centre of attention and never emotionally matures. That was my exH and it sounds like your H too,

Thanks for all your comments.

bluehairandheartbroken sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. What you said really resonated with me - I definitely had him down as someone who had made a mistake, regrets it and would never do it again but then he contacted her for whatever reason and didn’t show me his work phone so I have my doubts.

Bluntness100 I would be very surprised if there was anything still going on, he is so desperate to reconcile. Stranger things have happened though.

discontinued thanks for sharing your experiences and I am pleased it is now working out for you and your wife. The transparency obviously plays a huge part in that (which as you point out I didn’t have) plus that both were an EA only, whereas this was also physical.

bigblue1970 I know what you mean - I’ve always said if I were to take him back it is me who suffers the paranoia every time his phone goes or if he needs to work away. And I can’t live life checking up on him all the time.

picsinred he is genuine about wanting to get back together, I really don’t think it is for financial reasons. If I do pursue divorce now he wants very little equity so that I am able to stay in the house with the children. Your last comment resonates - he has not acted as if he actually likes me. Even if there was nothing on that phone as he claims I have asked him how he could let me go through insecurity of just not knowing.

screamingladysutch we are trying to muddle through Christmas the best we can for the sake of the children so he will be here for a lot of it, plus my mum has invited him over for Christmas dinner. It sounds crazy I know. I can do it as friends and co-parents and I just compartmentalise everything else.

In my opinion no

Nope. If he was really remorseful he would have been a 'good boy' from the moment the affair was discovered and he hasn't been. Plus, as PPs have said, the deceit that went into the affair would be enough for me, even without the other stuff.