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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a marriage be rebuilt after infidelity?

67 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 19/12/2019 14:15

Background is my DH had an 8 month affair which I found out about via messages on his phone in March. He moved out to a hotel and then to his mum’s and made it clear that he didn’t want the OW, there was never any future in it etc etc. He went to individual counselling and we went to couples counselling and I agreed to let him move back in after a few weeks - first on the sofa and later in our bed. I gave him another chance as he was doing all the right things, it seemed like a midlife crisis, we have two children together (one with disabilities) and he had previously been a good husband and is a great dad.

He was meant to cut contact with OW but I found that he texted her when we were on a family holiday in May - he said it was just to check she was ok as he bumped into her through work and she didn’t seem too good. More arguments, back on the sofa for a bit, told him she was not his responsibility etc etc.

He was also meant to give me full transparency over his phone - he did over his home phone but told me not to worry about his work phone as it is tightly controlled. In August I found him asleep in bed with his work phone on his chest - it looked suspicious so I asked to see it. He went to log in but got the wrong password then did the wrong pattern to open it after it had reset. I put the right pattern in and he then decided that I couldn’t see his phone after all. He has later claimed this was all a moment of madness due to the pressure of the situation!!!

I kicked him out after that incident and have been to the solicitors for an initial meeting about the divorce. However I haven’t pursued it further, mainly because I hate the thought of splitting our family up. Even though it is him who has done that, which makes me so angry that the decision is now with me. If we didn’t have children together I don’t think there would be any hesitation.

He is desperately trying to show me that over the 4 months since August he has progressed hugely with the issues he was working through, is in a much better place and can give me an amazing life (to be honest our life was pretty good before this). And he would never do anything to hurt me ever again. He wants me to go out for dinner with him, spend some time with him etc in the hope we can rebuild our marriage - he says he knows we would need to take this very slowly. I’ve no doubt that we could have a nice night out together (I realise I am being very amicable in all of this) but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. He thinks the trust will come in time but I think it is there until it is broken and then it is gone.

I think I’m just confused as until this he was a great husband and he doesn’t want a life other than with me and the children but I’m just not sure I can go there. And how I would even start to rebuild everything if I thought I could.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

OP posts:

Gemma1971 · 19/12/2019 21:37

Didn't you post about this before OP? The locked down work phone question? That's bollocks by the way. He's lying about that.

I would not give him another second of my precious life.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 21:45

I would be very surprised if there was anything still going on, he is so desperate to reconcile

Wasn't he desperate rhe first time and he continued to be in touch with her, at least, and try to hide it from you and lie anyway? And the second time? Why would this time, the third time be different?

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 19/12/2019 21:45

Gemma1971 yes I asked about the work phone being accessed.

OP posts:

User555555 · 19/12/2019 21:53

OP any chance of reconcile was gone when he contacted her again. And there is no way there was nothing on that work phone. If the work phone was squeaky clean there would have been zero pressure. It would have been a chance to build your trust to show you when you felt suspicious and insecure that he could show there was no reason to. Instead he showed you you cannot trust him. Moving forward a life with him = a life of checking up on him, anxieties and inevitably further discoveries.
I know how hard it is to end things with someone you love but I do think you have to.

MsPepperPotts · 19/12/2019 22:08

He won't change.
The chances are he will carry on cheating
Maybe see will stay with you for the sake of the kids
Maybe he will leave when they are teenagers
By then you have wasted 20years of your life on a lying, cheating man who has absolutely zero respect for you.
And you will have wasted the best years of your life
This is exactly what has happened to a family member
We all knew the writing was on the wall years ago but she was adamant he had changed.
The whole Fake FB Family didn't fool anyone.
Oh and to add insult to injury he pretended to go to counselling...he wasn't at counselling he was out with OW
He spent the final 18months dwindling finances, running up credit card debts and remortgaging house and now there's nothing left but debt.

Lockshunkugel · 19/12/2019 22:48

Don’t go out for dinner with him unless it is to discuss the divorce. You need to forget the idea that this man has been a great husband to you!

MsDogLady · 20/12/2019 06:11

Lady, I commented on your March thread and read your subsequent ones.

Your H is begging for a 4th chance? You’ve heard it all before. He seemed extremely remorseful in March and pleaded for a chance to restore your trust. When you agreed, he chose to again betray you and sabotage your marriage.

In August you saw kisses on his work phone and asked him to hand it over. He intentionally typed the wrong password 10 times and then messed up the pattern before refusing you access. He was contemptuous and belligerent. He was cheating.

You recently wrote about his claim that his employer closely monitors his work phone so there would have been no incriminating messages on it. Most posters called BS on that. You have never checked that phone, and he has possibly been using it as a vehicle for infidelity all along.

I understand that you are struggling with the finality of divorce, but how on earth could you ever trust this manipulative man who has repeatedly proven himself to be a liar and cheat?

ukgift2016 · 20/12/2019 06:23

The only way a marriage can survive is if the spouse is honest and transparent about their affair AND cuts all contact with the OW.

Your husband has not done this. He is still playing the game. Shame me once, shame on you. Shame me twice, shame on me.

It is your choice to stay but realise, this woman or other women will always be a shadow in your marriage. Men like him do not stop.

AnnaNimmity · 20/12/2019 07:03

i remember some of your other threads too. I think you're staying in the misguided belief that it's better for the children to stay together. It really isn't!

You can't trust your H at all - what kind of life is that? Checking phones constantly, having endless conversations about trust and your life together, worrying that he's cheating. You can't keep tabs on someone 100% of the time. And why would you want to? Life is too short.

I have stayed in a relationship after infidelity. I won't ever do it again. The lack of trust and betrayal made me almost constantly anxious. And I know now that a liar and a cheat is just that. They don't change. I've seen my ex lie and cheat his way through subsequent relationships too - he's incapable of fidelity and honesty. But there are honest men out there!

You are worth more OP. Why is your bar set so low?

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/12/2019 07:06

@LadyDowagerHatt

However I haven’t pursued it further, mainly because I hate the thought of splitting our family up

Your family is already broken . Have some self respect and move on from this dick .

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 07:10

Absolutely not. Trust is long gone. See the divorce through.

MrsAgassi · 20/12/2019 07:25

He’s playing you both.

He treats you with no respect at all. You’ve given him chances and each time he’s blown it. He then convinces you that this time he really is a reformed character, before he then goes on to hurt you again.

He’s still in contact with the OW because his ego likes having two women that want him.

He’s an arsehole, I wouldn’t attempt to forgive him.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 20/12/2019 11:13

@bluebella4 - that was exactly my point - for us it's taken both of us to be fully committed to making things work - for the OP, I don't believe her H is doing this - he's just hoping she'll pipe down about it so he can live in peace (and carry on, perhaps)

@Faith50 - it wasn't me first. me accepting the risk that she could walk away at some point is just my perspective. i know that's not my plan. however if you asked her, she might have the same concern about me walking away - i don't pretend to know 100% for sure how she feels, or what her intentions are - i can only judge from her words to a degree, and more importantly for me, her actions.

threesecrets · 20/12/2019 11:41

1.It depends what the relationship was like before the affair.

How vulnerable you are prepared to be in experiencing the hurt and moving on. Eg not using the affair as a weapon
Whether he really wants to be with you or if the affair has changed him.

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 20/12/2019 18:22

Thanks all, your comments have helped and I’ve told him (again) that I’m done. Apparently I should be able to see how hard he is trying to fight for us, lots of people get over affairs and it’s not that I can’t give him another chance it’s that I won’t.

We need to spend Christmas with the children, I wouldn’t stop that. In the New Year I will go to the solicitor to issue the divorce notice and get the ball rolling.

OP posts:

ISmellBabies · 20/12/2019 18:47

What an absolute piss taker. Caught red handed again and again and again. He clearly never stopped the affair, he just acted remorseful and said the right bullshit, and tried (and twice failed) to hide it better. You're doing the right thing op. This is not the man you want to believe he is. I think you will see things much more clearly with hindsight once you have moved on from him emotionally, and you will wonder why/how you ever gave him as many chances as you did.

ChristmasFluff · 20/12/2019 18:56

Again, he's making it your 'fault' that you cannot get over the fact that he is a proven liar, and couldn't even care enough about making it work with you that he could stop all contact with her.

He's had his chance and he's blown it. And by making it 'your fault' he's showing how little he really loves you (as if his total disregard for you wasn't already on full show via the affair).

What a complete and utter cock he is.

Up to you if you want to be married to such a totally untrustworthy shit. But fuck's sake, do you not want more for your life?

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