Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible email from a supposed friend. Older man/unwanted attention.

72 replies

PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 14:15

Years ago when I had a dog, I became friends with a group of other dog walkers and we would see each other daily. One of the group was a man in his late 60s, (my dad's age) - I'll call him Colin for anonymity . After losing my dog and moving, I kept in touch sporadically with Colin and the other dog walkers by email.

I had a difficult time over 2017-2018 after finding out my ex had cheated. All of my friends knew about this and I was quite open about what happened. I briefly told Colin in an email (same email I sent to the others) and he was supportive, in what I thought was a fatherly advice kind of way. No problem. I don't think I gave off any vibes to him at all, no different to the other's in the group.

FFWD to this year. A great year socially, good things happening and I'm now in a new relationships (early stages) so I decided to email the old dog walking friends with a message of Merry Christmas and an update on my life as we hadn't been in touch for about 4 months. Naturally I wanted to tell them about how happy I am to meet someone so lovely etc . Last night I received a missive from Colin basically telling me he probably won't be contacting me again as he has been in love with me for years and doesn't want to hear about my new relationship. I was quite stunned. And fucking angry!!

Firstly, I feel 'icky' that a man of my father's age has harboured these feelings for me (where is the vomit icon). I know there is nothing I can do about it, but secondly, I feel angry that he has more or less thrown the dollies out the pram because I'm in a relationship. I've deleted the email and won't be contacting Colin again, so he can fuck right off. At first I was going to write back as I feel angry at him for almost trashing my happy news and making it about himself.

I'm just wondering how any of you would have dealt with it as I'm still feeling quite pissed off about it today. In my opinion he should have kept his feelings to himself! This is a married (old) man FFS!

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 19/12/2019 14:23

Had one of these - work colleague.
Blocked on all avenues and ignore any other contact (hopefully no more from creepy Colin).
My opinion is that that these men who declare their love are desperate sad twonks who read into any womans contact as being something it isn't. I feel for their wives tbh.
Ignore and move on but I get the anger - self absorbed fuckers!

SingingLily · 19/12/2019 14:24

I've deleted the email and won't be contacting Colin again

That's all you need to do.

As distasteful as it is to you, Colin's thoughts and feelings are his own. Given the fact that he is married and also considerably older than you, his decision to send the email was disloyal to his wife and inappropriate. That's something he will have to live with. It is even quite possible that he might be feeling a bit stupid about it today.

None of that is your responsibility. You owe him nothing.

You don't need to do anything more now, other than put it to the back of your mind and enjoy the fact that you have a lovely new relationship.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2019 14:26

Well I don’t think you need to feel icky that an older man has feelings for you. Feel icky because he’s married by all means.

But it’s not nice of him to tell you. You had no idea he had those feelings......he had his opportunity to tell you when you were single and did nothing. It’s bizarre that he doesn’t seem to think that you’d meet someone at some point. I guess maybe he’s decided he can’t cope with the news so wants to keep his distance . But it sounds like you barely kept in touch so he could have kept his distance without the big drama.

Maybe he’s secretly hoping you will suddenly declare your undying love for him. Grin

slipperywhensparticus · 19/12/2019 14:28

Eww

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/12/2019 14:32

He's got a massive crush on you and it was totally inappropriate to tell you!

I agree with no longer contacting him, just let it go. Silly man!

Honeybee85 · 19/12/2019 14:32

I might go against the grain here but the man didn’t actually do anything creepy to you, did he?
He confessed he has feelings for you (which is something that can happen) and he needs some time away because he can’t handle hearing about your new relationship. He didn’t have to explain and could have disappeared without a reason but showed himself vulnerable re his confession.
It would have been different if he had written you a sexually explicit email.

I do understand though that for you this feel very ‘yuck!’ and I think it’s safe to say you won’t be speaking again ever as it will be too akward.

marchingonwithmother · 19/12/2019 14:34

He's probably just had one Christmas newsletter too many. Just delete and move on

HowlsMovingBungalow · 19/12/2019 14:37

He is married and a lot older than the OP, writing a stroppy love stricken email to end the 'friendship' is quite creepy imo.

Wheresthesandman · 19/12/2019 14:40

There was no need for him to tell you when you clearly don’t feel the same (and horribly disrespectful to his wife, obviously) but I think you’re going a bit overboard and being a bit childish with regards to his age and it making you want to vomit. If he’s a similar age to your father then you are presumably somewhere between your late twenties and late forties, it’s not like he sent that email to a teenage girl. Lots of very happy couples have large age gaps, it’s not ‘icky’.

ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 14:43

Why would someone send a message like that? What was the point?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 19/12/2019 14:53

I felt quite sorry for him, right up until the point where you said he was married. Now I just feel sorry for his wife.
It's not unusual to have a crush, or to have little fantasies which help to get you through the day, but they live in your head and they should stay there. It was massively inappropriate of him to tell you.

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 14:58

@Wheresthesandman I'm not going to apologise for going overboard with how I feel at all, because it does make me feel very uncomfortable! He is married and he knows my father is the same age as he is.

Large age gap relationships are not my thing at all, but I do apologise if my reaction has caused offense. Whatever works for some, doesn't work for others.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:02

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet exactly! He has always talked about his wife and I met her briefly a few times, she's lovely. Plus he knows my view on men who cheat as it happened to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:03

@ohwheniknow I honestly don't know why he thought it was appropriate to respond in that way at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:10

@Honeybee85 I think it is highly creepy. He's married and could be my father. As I've responded to another PP, that's fine if large age gap relationships work out for other people, but I have no interest in that. I also have no interest in men who have intentions of cheating, which given the chance, he probably bloody would! He knows what I went through (as do the others in the friend group) with my ex, so I find it highly inappropriate of him to splurge how he feels in response to the fact I'm in a new and very happy relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:17

@HowlsMovingBungalow - totally agree with you there regards to the reading into any female contact as something else. Also totally feel for his wife.

@VivaLeBeaver - I think he must be delusional. But yes, most of all it's the fact he is married when he knows my views on cheats.

@SingingLily - there is a possibility he could feel like an idiot and I hope he does. You are right, he will have to deal with that issue whereas, I have something much more positive to focus on being in love with my new man Smile.

OP posts:
Panpastels · 19/12/2019 15:18

Do you know the wife's email address? 🤔

Countryescape · 19/12/2019 15:19

Yuck this happened to me at work. Way older than me, married and a total sleaze. He sent me a very inappropriate email. I showed my team mates who thought it was awful, deleted and never replied. He then got very aggressive and threatening. I told him to fuck off and never contact me again or I’d get HR involved. Never spoke to me again. He was 55 , I was 24 🤮

Honeybee85 · 19/12/2019 15:20

I understand OP.
I was merely focused on the fact that his age seemed to bother you but you’re right, the fact that he’s married (hasn’t divorced recently as far as you know?) makes it inappropriate.
Anyway I think it doesn’t matter anymore so much as you will clearly never speak to him again.
Enjoy your new relationship 🙂

Nicolastuffedone · 19/12/2019 15:22

Well, you’ve blocked him. Don’t give it any more headspace.

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:22

@Panpastels no I don't and even if I did know it, I wouldn't contact her to dob him in.

My life since leaving my cheating ex has been drama free, I'm happy in my new relationship and contacting this man's wife to warn her that her husband has a delusional crush, would probably cause a lot of issues.

I'd much rather delete and block him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:25

@Nicolastuffedone - thank you. I'm going to do my best to forget it now, but needed a 'safe' space to vent.

@Countryescape - I'm just glad I no longer have a dog so the chances of seeing him again are very minimal.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 15:26

I find your reaction odd and extreme as well. Being a bit discomfited, feeling even sorry for him, getting the ick, laughing it off, whatever these are all in the realms of normal.

Flying into a rage is not. Can you try to articulate why you've reacted so strongly?

JoyceJames · 19/12/2019 15:30

I do think it's pretty creepy when an elderly man declares his undying passion out of the blue. OP clearly would not have been expecting it, and given the reason for her contact, it was inappropriate whether she was married or not. It's as though he feels a bit cheated or something, which he isn't. And if you're not into large age gap relationships-most people aren't, I suspect- it would feel completely surprising and a bit intrusive. The fact he is married makes it even worse.

(I'm in my 50s, too).

Veterinari · 19/12/2019 15:36

It’s quite possible he expects no response from you and was simply outlining his reasons for no longer being in contact rather than simply ghosting you.
Would you rather he’d just cut contact with no explanation?