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Original poster

Horrible email from a supposed friend. Older man/unwanted attention.

72 replies

PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 14:15

Years ago when I had a dog, I became friends with a group of other dog walkers and we would see each other daily. One of the group was a man in his late 60s, (my dad's age) - I'll call him Colin for anonymity . After losing my dog and moving, I kept in touch sporadically with Colin and the other dog walkers by email.

I had a difficult time over 2017-2018 after finding out my ex had cheated. All of my friends knew about this and I was quite open about what happened. I briefly told Colin in an email (same email I sent to the others) and he was supportive, in what I thought was a fatherly advice kind of way. No problem. I don't think I gave off any vibes to him at all, no different to the other's in the group.

FFWD to this year. A great year socially, good things happening and I'm now in a new relationships (early stages) so I decided to email the old dog walking friends with a message of Merry Christmas and an update on my life as we hadn't been in touch for about 4 months. Naturally I wanted to tell them about how happy I am to meet someone so lovely etc . Last night I received a missive from Colin basically telling me he probably won't be contacting me again as he has been in love with me for years and doesn't want to hear about my new relationship. I was quite stunned. And fucking angry!!

Firstly, I feel 'icky' that a man of my father's age has harboured these feelings for me (where is the vomit icon). I know there is nothing I can do about it, but secondly, I feel angry that he has more or less thrown the dollies out the pram because I'm in a relationship. I've deleted the email and won't be contacting Colin again, so he can fuck right off. At first I was going to write back as I feel angry at him for almost trashing my happy news and making it about himself.

I'm just wondering how any of you would have dealt with it as I'm still feeling quite pissed off about it today. In my opinion he should have kept his feelings to himself! This is a married (old) man FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:36

@Bluntness100 Yes, I'd say my reaction is deep seated with the fact he is a married man and I was cheated on by my ex. I can't put it much plainer than that.

Putting the boot on the other foot, if I had a male friend I liked contact me to say he was very happy and in a new relationship, I don't think it would be appropriate to be telling them about my feelings. I'd be shutting the fuck up.

This man knows I have been through hell and back with my ex, so now I am in a very happy place in my life, it has pissed me off that he thinks it is ok to 'express himself'. Do you really think that is ok? How would you have reacted?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 15:39

I didn't say it was ok, and I expressed how I'd react, like most people would react, from discomfort to laughing it off, depending on the man.

Deep seated rage would not be my reaction,

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:40

@Veterinari I'd rather he just have replied with restraint. Some people can actually do that.

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Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:41

@Bluntness100 - well people react differently to all sorts of situations. What else can I say.

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LochJessMonster · 19/12/2019 15:42

I think you are overreacting. He's told you he was in love with you. You obviously don't feel the same, end of. No need to email him anymore.

Its not really 'icky' and it wasn't a horrible email.

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:43

@JoyceJames I think you've hit the nail on the head there. This is all out of the blue and I found it intrusive...and the fact he is married. Thank you for understanding.

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HowlsMovingBungalow · 19/12/2019 15:45

Wait for the 'maybe he has dementia?' posts @PinkMonkeyBird Wink

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:47

@LochJessMonster - you weren't privy to the content so I think I will be the judge of whether I found the email to be horrible or not.

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TheOliphantintheRoom · 19/12/2019 15:47

This man knows I have been through hell and back with my ex

You overshared with your dog walking acquaintances. Round here we just comment on the weather and each other's dogs.

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:47

@HowlsMovingBungalow - yes, I was waiting for that!

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Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:49

@TheOliphantintheRoom very black and white, yes...just like that. The group of us went through very difficult things at the time and all talked about it, child having cancer, man running off with younger woman, house burning down. Sorry we didn't have staid conversations!

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Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 15:51

Thanks to all that have commented and understood where I was coming from with this.

As for the others, the MN Lynch Mob, do find other threads to over analyse and unpick!

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LochJessMonster · 19/12/2019 15:54

PinkMonkeyBird Well if you don't put what he said, then how the hell can we judge if it was horrible? Hmm

Someone telling you that they are in love with you so don't wish to hear about your new relationship is not horrible or 'icky'.

TheOliphantintheRoom · 19/12/2019 15:54

I think you're secretly flattered. I bet Colin's a bit of a silver fox.

LochJessMonster · 19/12/2019 15:55

As for the others, the MN Lynch Mob, do find other threads to over analyse and unpick!

you asked -

I'm just wondering how any of you would have dealt with it as I'm still feeling quite pissed off about it today. In my opinion he should have kept his feelings to himself!

Or did you just want us all to nod along and agree with you?

Lampan · 19/12/2019 15:55

I had a situation recently in which a friend asked me something that made me feel completely weird and grossed out and came completely out of the blue. Not the same as your situation but I was very surprised and a bit horrified. Friends at the time said I was probably overreacting and reading too much into it.
You are allowed to feel however you feel about it. But in my case I can reply that after the initial shock/weirdness, I have calmed down significantly about the whole thing. So I’m sure with time you won’t feel as grossed out.
Ignoring and blocking in your case is the best and only thing to do I think.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/12/2019 15:57

@TheOliphantintheRoom I doubt it. Grin

No, this was totally inappropriate. Everyone has crushes from time to time but you keep it to yourself.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2019 16:14

Well, someone declaring their (unrequited) love is hardly the crime of the century, is it? Unless of course the 'recipient' is underaged, married her/himself, or in a subordinate position. And age has nothing to do with who someone falls in love with, although I'm sure it's not love he feels, it's infatuation/limerence.

If I had received such an email, I'd simply shrug and probably feel a bit of pity for old Colin. I certainly wouldn't get myself into such a tizzy over it! And it certainly wouldn't affect my happiness with my new relationship.

The fact that he's married himself is the only real 'crime'. If I were to respond (which I probably wouldn't) I'd either forward his email straight to his wife (thus opening a huge can of worms for him) or simply tell him that he needs to remember that he is married and that any 'love' he feels should be for his wife, only.

Needsomebottle · 19/12/2019 16:22

If hes felt like this for years maybe he just felt that he couldn't go on being in touch anymore and needed for his and his relationship sake, to cut contact, and just felt honesty was the best policy to do that rather than not replying to someone who has been friends with him for years?

I agree that a large age gap wouldnt be for me either and I too might feel a bit uncomfortable on that score, particularly if you have seen his advice as fatherly in the past. But I don't think I'd be angry at his honesty. It may simply be self preservation on his part. He may have blocked you... block, delete, enjoy your new relationship and give it no further head space.

BeverlyGoldbergsHairAndJumpers · 19/12/2019 16:24

He's probably just had one Christmas newsletter too many. Just delete and move on
Do you think this is his way of not getting anymore - he’s confessed his undying love for everyone who sent one. That’ll learn ‘em.

Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 16:25

@LochJessMonster As if I'm going to quote word for word the actual email. Get real and DFOD.

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Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 16:29

@YouretheChristmasCarcass I've opted for blocking him. I don't want to respond at all. For all I know, he could be crushing on one of the other women with dogs on the park, so I don't want to be the one opening the can of worms with his wife.

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Original poster
PinkMonkeyBird · 19/12/2019 16:33

@Lampan yes, I agree that I will get over the grossed out feeling eventually!

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YouretheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2019 16:37

@PinkMonkeyBird

Much the wisest decision. And congratulations on your new relationship. I hope the two of you have a cosy and magical 1st Xmas together. DH and I were just reminiscing about our first Xmas (30+) years ago. They're memories that time never fades.

rvby · 19/12/2019 16:39

@PinkMonkeyBird imo this sort of thing is a symptom of how men of a certain generation (and more recent generations, just to a lesser extent as time has worn on and ideas of masculinity have changed) have been trained to believe they are the centre of the universe and women just orbit around them, anticipating and meeting their emotional needs. When women dare to have their own lives, they explode with rage.

Even "nice guys" suffer from this delusion. Many women as well, but I've found men are overrepresented in this group.

I'd put money on him harbouring a fantasy about you, being pleased when you split with your ex and the fantasies deepened and boosted his ego a bit, and then when you turned around and behaved like a normal human being and not a fantasy object (by moving on to a new rs), he was probably shocked out of his fantasy, and had a whole wave of uncomfortable emotions come at him.

Of course, he couldn't turn to his wife to help him with that, so I'd suspect he basically got furious at you for "making him feel this way", boiled over and (since he probably has very few emotional coping skills beyond "sulk or whine until my wife/mother/etc takes care of it and tells me how special I am"), he basically threw a wobbly by writing that email. It's pure guilt tripping tantrum stuff imo. Like a toddler trying to blackmail mum into giving him chocolate, raging at her that he doesn't love her anymore, she's horrible etc.

People don't write emails like that to folk that they see as peers or equals. If he'd genuinely been in unrequited love with you, he'd probably put your feelings first and never breathe a word.

Sigh.

I totally get why you're grossed out. I would want to tell him what an arsehole he is, But from experience, it will do nothing and probably just get turned around on you. Block, delete, move on.