Horrible email from a supposed friend. Older man/unwanted attention.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

Years ago when I had a dog, I became friends with a group of other dog walkers and we would see each other daily. One of the group was a man in his late 60s, (my dad's age) - I'll call him Colin for anonymity . After losing my dog and moving, I kept in touch sporadically with Colin and the other dog walkers by email.

I had a difficult time over 2017-2018 after finding out my ex had cheated. All of my friends knew about this and I was quite open about what happened. I briefly told Colin in an email (same email I sent to the others) and he was supportive, in what I thought was a fatherly advice kind of way. No problem. I don't think I gave off any vibes to him at all, no different to the other's in the group.

FFWD to this year. A great year socially, good things happening and I'm now in a new relationships (early stages) so I decided to email the old dog walking friends with a message of Merry Christmas and an update on my life as we hadn't been in touch for about 4 months. Naturally I wanted to tell them about how happy I am to meet someone so lovely etc . Last night I received a missive from Colin basically telling me he probably won't be contacting me again as he has been in love with me for years and doesn't want to hear about my new relationship. I was quite stunned. And fucking angry!!

Firstly, I feel 'icky' that a man of my father's age has harboured these feelings for me (where is the vomit icon). I know there is nothing I can do about it, but secondly, I feel angry that he has more or less thrown the dollies out the pram because I'm in a relationship. I've deleted the email and won't be contacting Colin again, so he can fuck right off. At first I was going to write back as I feel angry at him for almost trashing my happy news and making it about himself.

I'm just wondering how any of you would have dealt with it as I'm still feeling quite pissed off about it today. In my opinion he should have kept his feelings to himself! This is a married (old) man FFS!

I had something like this happen with an old friend. We had known each other for years but we weren't ever particularly close. It was always platonic and we rarely spoke as we lived opposite sides of the country. So communication was just the odd text now and again. And then I started seeing my now husband and my friend threw a big strop about it, and said he always had feelings for me and he didn't think we could be friends any more. He tried to text me about a year later but I haven't spoken to him since. Really bizarre! I'd just block him and move on, I feel sorry for his poor wife.

@PinkMonkeyBird
@Veterinari I'd rather he just have replied with restraint. Some people can actually do that.

Fair enough but all I have to go on is the info in your OP which doesn't Suggest any unrestrained behaviour I have to say that I have no idea what is the best way is for ending a friendship on those terms and I suspect he didn’t Either. What would you have preferred?

You’re giving this far too much time and energy. You’ve blocked him so won’t hear from him again. Just move on and live your life.

Gross. I don't care if it's ageist to not want men your father's age thinking they are valid choices as romantic/sexual partners, it's gross. Particularly in cases like these where they get angry at young women for living their lives when supposedly they should have themselves on standby waiting for romantic confessions from middle aged married men!

If he contacts you again, feel free to let his wife know what a creep she's married to. (It probably won't come as a shock...)

OP, I'm willing to bet that pretty much all straight men Colin's age have those "icky" crushes on women your age and younger. It's just one of those things. His way of revealing his feelings was rude and entitled, though, and potentially rather awkward for you given that you're with a new partner and have previously met Colin's wife! Having been the "Colin" in this situation (albeit with the age gap reversed) I certainly didn't say or write anything to him that I wouldn't have said in front of everybody in the world. It's just so obvious that anything a "Colin" says on the subject of his unrequited feelings is only going to make matters worse.

I think, on your side of things, it's very hard to deal graciously with a "Colin". My much older neighbour once revealed his feelings for me, and I basically ran away and avoided him - for 18 years and counting! (I do like older guys, he was/is just really unattractive.) I just mention this for some perspective, since you're getting flamed for overreacting. :)

Are the angry feelings stemming from finding out someone you considered a friend was letching over you the whole time? And that their “friendliness” towards you was apparently a ruse to get in your knickers? I would feel angry and upset about that regardless of Colin’s age.

It's probably right that in his head any interaction the two of you had was proof that you fancied him and it's been a huge ego boost for him.
His message on learning of your new relationship was the emotional equivalent of a dick pic.

Email him back and tell him he's a dirty old bastard.

Ugh, yeah he definitely should have kept that to himself!
Don't blame you for blocking him. Personally I probably would have said something back, like "This is a highly inappropriate email to send considering you are married. I do not return your feelings and do not wish to continue contact". But that would probably just invite further self pity from him.
Sorry your friend turned out to be like that.
I had a friend who decided to declare that he'd been desperately in love with me all along (despite no signs and nothing on my part). Its an awkward position to be in!

PinkMonkeyBird, I can understand how you feel somewhat freaked by the guy's email. It was totally inappropriate of him to declare his undying love to you - someone who has been a dog walking friend and young enough to be his daughter (never mind that's he has a wife).

Don't do anything though, just block him and draw a line under it.

I'm glad to hear you've found someone right for you.

Colin is a dirty old man. Not only is he being a predatory lecherous old toad, he's MARRIED?
Urgh. Block him. He's revolting.

imo this sort of thing is a symptom of how men of a certain generation (and more recent generations, just to a lesser extent as time has worn on and ideas of masculinity have changed) have been trained to believe they are the centre of the universe and women just orbit around them, anticipating and meeting their emotional needs. When women dare to have their own lives, they explode with rage

Absolutely spot on. Its almost as if they cannot comprehend that feelings aren't reciprocated. The sheer arrogance is simply mind boggling.

You say hes married but you ain't got a clue if its happy one/open or even on the brink of divorce.

I'd just ignore it and forget it

Not as icky as a Christmas newsletter 🧐

Urgh OP I totally get how you feel. This happened to me with a man at work who I genuinely thought was a friend- he is married also and many years older than me. When he told me he fancied me and I didn't reciprocate with his expected swoon, he then tried to deny that's what he meant (thankfully I had proof in emails and texts) and started giving it a load of nonsense about 'not being allowed to put kisses on the end of mails and texts' any more. Needless to say after I told him I wasnt interested, I never heard from him again. The whole episode soured what I thought had been a nice, amiable friendship.

I think this is quite common OP and is a shock when you realise what is happening, then you start questioning your behaviour.

I joined a gardening group in a new area, had some conversations with a friendly man about 25 years older than me who started giving advice on some gardening but noticed he was asking me some bordering personal questions, occupations, schools, church, used to live etc.

Next thing he had found my address, was rapping on my door, asking why I wasn't in when he called, trying to monopolise me in the group etc.

At a group meal I was relieved to find he had a wife who he had brought with him, he sat with his head down throughout the meal but he then tried to intercept me on the way to the loo when he saw me on my own. In the end I dreaded going so I left the group.

I think being new gave him the green light to find out more about me under the guise of being friendly and take on a fatherly role as I was a lot younger than him and as a woman attending on my own to "take under his wing" and explain things to me as a novice. I questioned what signals I had sent out but support from a couple of the other women in the group made me realise it was him who was being in appropriate.

Recently in a new group an older man has come up to me a couple of times to say hello and chat, I've been polite but given short answers and moved away.

I suppose what I'm trying to tell you OP, from my experience I am a lot more suspicious: I don't give too much information away when I first meet someone, I try and suss people out, look for clues, start off confident even if I don't feel it.

If someone gets an inappropriate infatuation with you it's not your fault and if they should know better than to act on it. He knew you were vulnerable and he's married so that's inappropriate.

I would email the others and tell them you would like to stay in contact with them , but will not been keeping in touch with Colin anymore. Due to said email. Also if you ever meet up as a group you can only do so without Colin being present. X

Is it really necessary to let others know about this man's inappropriate indiscretion? I don't see what good it would do. Just block him.

@ BrendasUmbrella 'Gross. I don't care if it's ageist to not want men your father's age thinking they are valid choices as romantic/sexual partners, it's gross'

This ⬆️ spot on

Ugh I would be raging too. If he were any age. I would infer from his reaction that he thought somehow you knew of his infatuation and would reciprocate if only the stars aligned. What a knobber. A good person would just say how happy he is for you, and back off communication. But no, you owe him the brunt of his bruised feelings. Twat of the common variety, and span all age ranges though you’d hope age may bring about a reality check & some decorum.

Block him. How dare he. He has a wife.

Yesss rvby , it’s the entitlement and the audacity, and OP has every right to be repulsed and angry. These dominating, entitled males, usually of a certain generation, need taken down several thousand pegs. Dirty fuckin creep, can you not forward his drivel to everyone in the group? Why keep it secret?