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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is a shove acceptable?

12 replies

antheaturnersbasketporn · 24/08/2007 17:12

Hi, I had a stupid argument with my partner whilst changing the bubbas nappy, and it ended up (rather comically looking back now) with him throwing an box of tissues at me in disgust cos it was empty, and me retaliating by throwing a dirty nappy in a nappy sack at him.

Ridiculous I know, but he then gave me a hard shove which is totally out of the blue (after 8 years relationship). Whilst not being very nice, is this OK? I don't want to overreact as I know this isn't 'domestic violence', but I'm abit shocked and wanted to ask: is this common in your relationship?

OP posts:
totaleclipse · 24/08/2007 17:20

It's made you feel uncomfortable, so no its not an issue, but as you have had 8 years without a hint of violence, then maybe he just underestimated his own strengh.

totaleclipse · 24/08/2007 17:20

oh crap, I mean..........it's made you feel uncomfortable, so yes it is unaccaptable.

CountessDracula · 24/08/2007 17:21

nope
never been shoved

I would be very cross to be shoved I think

I have shoved dh away in heat of a row but not attacked him with a shove iyswim

totaleclipse · 24/08/2007 17:21

embarressed now, that sounds so callus.

MyTwopenceworth · 24/08/2007 17:22

Not common in mine. dh has never pushed, shoved or flicked me and almost never even raised his voice - although I have much deserved it many, many times (I have probably deserved a good hard shove a time or two, as well )

I, on the other hand, used to yell at him a lot (I've stopped now, I felt very foolish shouting all by myself ) and have given him the odd slap on the arm and stuff in a mardy fit. I've grown up a bit now though.

What you have described sounds almost childlike (I am not calling you childish..although...... ) what I mean by that is it sounds like a scrap between kids, over a toy, not 'abuse'.

I would, when you're both calm, say to him that you are sorry for throwing the nappy at him, but you do not expect to be pushed about, under any circumstances. He will apologise, you will agree to take a deep breath in future and not use cardboard boxes and the contents of your baby's nappies as offensive weapons and you will give each other a hug. OK???!!!

belgo · 24/08/2007 17:22

are in under stress in other areas of your lives? Having a child can bring new stresses into a relationship.

Do you still have fun together, show you care for each other?

Blu · 24/08/2007 17:26

Talk about it. With him. The row, the pressures you are both under.

He shouldn't have thrown the box at you because it was empty.

But I am not one to talk. I have thrown things at DP.

If it escalates, if he is defensive and thinks it was perfectly ok...then yes, a problem. if you can talk about it and find ways for this not to become a habit, then i don't think it needs to be a make or break issue.

but don't just forget and ignore that it happened.

Tigana · 24/08/2007 17:27

I have, very rarely, and only in moments of extreme frustration thrown random items at dh, nothing that would actually cause an injury though. He has occassionally retaliated. Then in turns into a game .

Agree there is an element of childishness, bit like having the last word in an argument. Started as tit for tat, but then he 'tatted' again {grin].

If this is out of character fo rhim I suspect down to stress/tiredness/some otehr 'issue'...like perhaps...adjusting to being a father?

LadyMacbeth · 24/08/2007 17:28

Sounds like a petty argument that just went too far.

I would look more at the underlying cause if this behaviour is out of character.

I imagine he would be mortified if he knew how much it upset you. I suggest that when things have calmed down you explain this to him along with a warning that if it happens again you will take it far more seriously.

Original poster
antheaturnersbasketporn · 24/08/2007 17:40

Thanks to everyone, I think you've summed it up right: a childish argument that went abit wrong.

He's not sorry though and thinks he was perfectly right to act as he did. Actually he is quite childish about making up after arguments come to think of it. And no, sadly were not new parents as the babe is 13 months, so by rights we should have got over the petty arguments from those sleepless, early days by now!!!

I'm sure its a one-off so will chalk it down to experience.

By the way this is the first proper post I've made, and its really reassuring to get your opinions, so thanks

OP posts:
Tigana · 24/08/2007 17:53

re 13 months meaning you shoudl be ok...bollards...ds is 2 and we are still adjusting...!

It could be one of those stupid 'pride' things that he won't admit to you that he was wrong, but at least you have talked about it and I assume you have made it clear you were not impressed. That may very well be enough for him to check himself next time you run out of tissues

flightattendant · 26/08/2007 19:04

What do you mean by a 'shove'?

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