Empathy at menopausal age?

[Adlibadli]

I hope I don't offend here, but I have noticed something in some women of menopausal age that is bothering me.
Do you lose all sense of empathy?
My own mother completely changed when she became of menopausal age; she went from a loving, caring woman to being as cold as ice and unable to relate to others struggles. When a local girl was murdered, she said "I don't see why everyone is so upset,it's not like they even bloody knew her."
Stuff like this.
When I had my children, she had no ability to empathise with sleep depreivation or anything really, she would say "yeah,I'm tired too. "
Yet as a mother when I was younger, she was extremely loving and compassionate. My MIL is exactly the same.
When I was diagnosed with a chronic auto-immune health condition recently, she barely acknowledged it and wittered on about herself and her own ailments. Infact, she never stops talking about herself. Apparently, she hasn't always been this way. I've seen it in supermarkets when cashiers of menopausal age complain about customers, ome recently complained that customers were making her ill and spreading their germs around whilst sneezing all over my shopping.
My female boss completely changed when she reached her late forties and seemed completely unable to relate to her staff anymore having always been so supportive. Is this actually a thing? Or am I imagining it?
My own Gran picked up a gambling habit at menopausal age and my grandparents had to remortgage the house. It lasted 8 years and she hasn't had a gambling habit since. She's in her late 80s now and very empathetic.
Is there something that happens to our empathy when we reach a particular age? I'm worried I'll forget how to empathise with my daughters as I age!

Some of us can’t take HRT!

I like being ‘assertive’. I look back on my people pleasing 20 year old self, and l cringe. Much better now

What are the reasons that some people can't take HRT?

www.theguardian.com/news/2018/aug/16/it-feels-impossible-to-beat-how-i-was-floored-by-menopause

@Spodge I could have written your post. My children are grown up and I am finding Christmas a complete chore. Could quite happily opt out of it for a year or so

@ballyboy
I can't and wouldn't risk taking HRT because the brca gene runs in our family. Also I am not confident, we know what it does to women. It seems researchers are of different opinions. One day it's the second coming, the next it's a no no.

I have heard some are treated with antidepressants during menopause.

Actually, I think it is quite a thing : but I'm not sure it's menopausal.

don't people become more and more intolerant as they become older? more like Victor Meldrew? I know I do! I'm becoming more and more intolerant every year!!

I'm mid 50s and think it's a mixture of many factors: the actual physiological, hormonal storm that hits during the menopause, the sheer fatigue, sometimes feeling pd off with younger people whingeing on, a slight envy of their youth, plus the evolutionary element of shedding those maternal urges in order to withstand the "empty nest". But, agree, there is an empowerment in not having to adopt the socialised empathic female model which we're all meant to demonstrate any more.

Perhaps we've all just run out of empathy by this age. Perhaps we realise we don't get a lot back and finally think fuck you.

I don't take HRT because my pathetically few symptoms (brain fog, inability to concentrate) don't merit it, although they can be annoying. Why would I fill myself with drugs just for an inconvenience? For some women though, whose symptoms are horrific and life-changing, it's valuable.

We tend not to hear from those who've sailed through menopause. Probably because those of us who do irritate beyond all mortal understanding those poor women who don't.

I know plenty of women who didn't need to bother with hrt. Everyone is different, it's no better or worse!

Isn't it soemthing like 1 in ten with no noticeable symptoms, and another 2 or 3 with mild symptoms or those that can be managed with healthy lifestyle ? And about 5 in 10 who take HRT. So severe symptoms do affect quite a lot of women.

I think it is connected to being tired (due to lack of sleep) and men would be the same if the didn't sleep. Also I think women are expected to do an awful lot more and when you are tired, plus see that other are doing much less, it gets on your nerves which may affect empathy. Age in general I think affects it aswell. There are loads of grumpy old men out there but I think it is more just not having the energy to give a shit anymore.

Nobody warns you about menopause. Periods - yes, childbirth - yes, but not menopause. And all us woman will have one. For me, its been like a fog lifting and I see everything without the people-pleasing martyrdom that estrogen brings. Yeah, its probably what men experience everyday. I give less of a shit about everything and I'm caring less what people think of me but I've had to have every one of those poxy 34 or whatever symptoms first. Can't believe how little I knew at the start of what was happening to me. Thought your periods just stopped!! Hah! I bloody know all about it now! I think its also natures way to make mothers find it easier when their kids leave home, cos if you had the same hormones that you once had it would be a lot harder to wave em goodbye. So have a little compassion OP - your mum probably feels like crap.

I can’t take HRT as it gives me thrush immediately. I’ve tried every variety and type. But they all do it

I cant take HRT as it sent my blood pressure through the roof. I hit perimenopause and developed an autoimmune issue and a ton load of weight. Menopause was hot flushes, and arthritis and some days when I was just so exhausted by doing the smallest amount that although I was dying for a cup of tea I simply couldnt raise myself off the sofa. And I have barely slept for 12 years. whilst still trying to run a business and cope with 2 kids, who are now 13 and 19.

I think as mum your job is to give your all, or you think it is. as you get older you need somthing for yourself, to draw some boundaries. you cant do everything for everyone and you get better at saying no.

Im hoping Im nearly out of the worst of it. some days I cannot even think

I remember that crushing exhaustion. Just out of nowhere. Mines gone now though

My own mother was an actual living nightmare when she went through the menopause! She was fairly young (early 40’s) when it started and didn’t seem to want to register that’s what it was...that was until I told her! I was 16 at the time and just avoided her like the plague! She would fly into screaming rages about nothing and I got slapped across the face more than once for sitting in my room! Once she went onto HRT she calmed down but...she has no sympathy for anyone bar herself these days. She’s extremely self centered and thinks the whole world revolves around her and her life. In other words I think your observations are correct OP.

Mixers weekly you realise that hopefully you’ll be peri menopausal one day?

I wouldn't say I'm less empathetic. I take far less shit than I used to, but whether that's the hormones or whether that's just the passage of years it's hard to say. I'm probably more selfish - I've people-pleased all my life, and now I'm much more likely to think about what actually suits me, and find it much easier to say no. I'm more assertive. But I don't think I'm less aware of people's feelings.
Pre HRT though it wasn't good - I was constantly furious. I hated everyone and everything. HRT has helped me enormously.

@MadamBatty 

And 16 year olds are a breeze. Perhaps you were both hormonal Middersweekly and therefore clashed harder. Hope things get better.

its also interesting that many women suddenly find feminism, and so starts a period of absolute rage at the way women are fucked over by the system, and how much time we didnt really see it when we were young and spent so much time pandering to the penis in the name of empowerment
the effects of the system start to kick in when you have your first child but you still dont fully recognise it and spend alot of time beating yourself up as you are supposed to 'have it all' which translates as 'do it all' so when you suddenly realise how the stakes have been stacked against you since childhood, you really do go 'fuck that' for a bit

I think the mood swings exhaustion joint pains and being unable to drive due to dizzy spells and anxiety has changed me a bit.HRT has helped enormously.
I didn't realize the full extent.of the menopause until it hit me.More education is needed for everyone and understanding.

@madambee I was actually quite placid at 16 and didn’t do anything to warrant my mums outbursts. My own 16yr old is also pretty good, she was worse mood wise pre-period. We have no clashes and get along just fine.

I’m not saying it was my mother’s fault she was the way she was during the menopause. I recognised it for what it was and when her hormones were once again balanced she could also rationally see it also. She has apologised although she was under a hormonal influence at the time so much of her behavior was out of her control.
It’s quite scary really. I suspect I am currently in the Peri-menopausal bracket now and if things get out of hand I will seek HRT. I won’t be in denial about it like my mother was for at least 3 years!

@Middersweekly
Fwiw no one should excuse violence and abuse because of hormones.

My 16 clashed with my dm's menopause and so did my dd's 16 with mine. Not an ideal combination .

Sorry you had a bad time, hope it works out better for you.

Actually, I think no longer giving a shit is one of the major advantages of menopause. I just felt that if I wasn't myself now, I would have gone through my entire life masking for other people. Not that it had got me anywhere.

And I still have a wicked sense of humour- it just seems that its only older women who appreciate it...