Empathy at menopausal age?

[Adlibadli]

I hope I don't offend here, but I have noticed something in some women of menopausal age that is bothering me.
Do you lose all sense of empathy?
My own mother completely changed when she became of menopausal age; she went from a loving, caring woman to being as cold as ice and unable to relate to others struggles. When a local girl was murdered, she said "I don't see why everyone is so upset,it's not like they even bloody knew her."
Stuff like this.
When I had my children, she had no ability to empathise with sleep depreivation or anything really, she would say "yeah,I'm tired too. "
Yet as a mother when I was younger, she was extremely loving and compassionate. My MIL is exactly the same.
When I was diagnosed with a chronic auto-immune health condition recently, she barely acknowledged it and wittered on about herself and her own ailments. Infact, she never stops talking about herself. Apparently, she hasn't always been this way. I've seen it in supermarkets when cashiers of menopausal age complain about customers, ome recently complained that customers were making her ill and spreading their germs around whilst sneezing all over my shopping.
My female boss completely changed when she reached her late forties and seemed completely unable to relate to her staff anymore having always been so supportive. Is this actually a thing? Or am I imagining it?
My own Gran picked up a gambling habit at menopausal age and my grandparents had to remortgage the house. It lasted 8 years and she hasn't had a gambling habit since. She's in her late 80s now and very empathetic.
Is there something that happens to our empathy when we reach a particular age? I'm worried I'll forget how to empathise with my daughters as I age!

The scales fall from your eyes about the years of unappreciated and unacknowledged service to others and how it has disadvantaged you.

I got less sleep at the height of menopause than I ever did when I had small children. At least there was some point to being awake with a baby, not just lying awake in a sea of unnecessary anxiety. I probably was less empathetic, because I was worried that I was losing my mind most of the time. I certainly had no time to listen to people whining about tiny offences. I cannot bear the petty politicking that goes on at work, for example, the words “grow up” hover almost permanently on my lips. People should talk more about menopause. Then maybe there would be fewer posts like the OP’s.

Echoing what a lot of others have said in that menopause is tough physically and mentally and it goes on for years. Like a pp mine was precipitated by a massive health crisis which also took a long time to recover from and which coincided with elder health crises for parents and in-laws. These two aspects have changed how I feel about and interact with the world.

On the one hand, I definitely take less shit, primarily because I don't have the time or energy to pussyfoot around. On the other, I am also more tolerant and understanding of genuine problems. But if someone's acting the twat I just cba. It's a utilitarian approach.

I'm really glad that people are talking openly about menopause - finally! Until very recently (literally the last few years), I felt there was no national conversation about this huge, life changing stage of life that half the population goes through. It was seen as a joke by so many, when women suffer for years with the symptoms. Let's hope that better education for everyone will lead to greater kindness towards women of menopausal age, and better information about what treatments are available.

I don't know whether this is menopause or just part of growing older . Women do get to an age where they have no more fucks to give - they realise they have less life to live than what is behind them . They made decide not to tolerate people who are a pain in the arse. They are "free" to a certain extent of their families - they may be Grandmothers but may also still have an elderly parent to care for. Life can be tough and add in some ageing health problems. Yes menopause itself causes many awful reactions to add to the above mix. I am on HRT myself and wouldn't be without it.

It is not menopause. It is life experience.

I think you lose some of the desire to please everyone, yes. It's bloody marvellous and quite freeing.

I'm on HRT. Love it but still give hugely less fucks.

What about the people around menopausal women changing ?
Have they all remained the same and consistent in their moods/feelings/personalities/behaviours ? It’s a bit of a stretch to believe that everyone apart from menopausal women are full of patience and empathy.

Also at 50yrs old a woman has been putting up with shite for years, slowly realising she’s in the middle of her life and that precious life is too short to put up with shite from people. Come back when you are menopausal OP, I expect you will have a laugh at your post then.

Oh and there’s plenty of grumpy young and old men who are not accused of lack of empathy.

I'm sorry your DM isn't giving you the support you need OP

Really interesting thread. I'm only just starting the perimenopause and it's hard to say how I'm changing, because it has coincided with the falling apart of my family (many thanks xh) and an increasing awareness of women's oppression. Hard to pull all those apart and see what's what.

Sympathies to everyone struggling, hope it gets better.

I completely lost my tolerance for casual ageism, unpleasant and inaccurate gender stereotypes and the gratuitous stoking up of intergenerational strife.

Otherwise, I'm much the same.

So regularly flabbergasted by the nastiness towards some women on MN, where casual ageism is unfortunately common

This, with bells on. Give your head a wobble OP. Making sweeping statements about women older than you isn't a good look.

To answer your question OP, I read (sorry don't remember the source but it was a reputable one) that after puberty women's hormones make them show more empathy, care and self sacrifice deliberately to keep the species going, in the same way that extra hormones in pregnancy and birth make you bond with and focus on your baby. This means women are the caregivers, the ones who put other people first.

Then the menopause turns up, the hormones change and suddenly you see the whole thing differently. To all the posters suffering with the menopause, hang in there, once it's over you'll be a new woman. I now take no shit and wish I'd felt like this years ago

Women turn into witches in middle age.
Once they are past PMT or pregnancy hormones, they are Perimenopausal, after that they are Menopausal, which is just a word to encompass being a heartless witch with no empathy, who is permanently having memory loss or hot flushes, with hairs sprouting on her chin, while her bones crumble.

Glad you're not my daughter OP.

And the grumpy old man is tolerated. Indulged. No one wo ders about his sudden lack of empathy compassion. As it is never really expected from him so its absence is no surprise .
A long life spent caring and giving can leave a spill depleted. The min ute I need my own energy for me....questions are raised. Reasons are looked for.
None here

I am peri menopausal so don't know how I'll feel during the menopause. However since I've been peri menopausal my empathy has gone through the roof. It's actually become neurotic. I can't stop thinking and worrying about other people. Someone died recently, not a close friend but someone I was fond of. I can't stop crying and torturing myself about whether they suffered,could I have been a better friend? Etc etc. It's pure hell. I'm going to sign up to a befriending charity because I keep worrying about all the lonely people - but I know I'll end up worrying about the people I befriend in a really neurotic way.

All the best for yours then@Adlibadli .

This hasn't happened to me and I'm well over the menopause now. Perhaps it's because my menopause wasn't too bad and because I'm single and childless.

I can imagine that a lot of women who have spent their entire adult lives being selfless and looking after others, get to a point of compassion fatigue. Perhaps it's high time they start to put themselves first.

I am peri menopausal on HRT. I cannot tolerate some things now but other than that I don't think I am lacking empathy.

The trouble is, by the time menopause comes, most women are probably a bit world weary anyway and then they are trying to deal with horrible symptoms.
I am suffering with memory loss, feeling overwhelmed in noisy places, anxiety and wildly changing hormonal feelings and then being made redundant and a few other issues in the mix.

@wrongsideofhistorymyarse

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Im peri menopausal and give far fewer fucks than I used to. Im older and much less included to fall for emotional blackmail or take on emotional labour just because Im a woman

Bluntly as well Ive been hit by the invsible thing to - Im far less inclined to give a toss about offending people when men make it obvious that as a woman past child bearing age, I may as well not exist and a lot of young women think Im an irrelevant dinosaur

isnt it funny (its not obvs) that the moment women get to the age where they can start putting themselves first even a tiny amount, there is a lot of pearl clutching about us being mean and lacking in empathy

It's not lack of emphaty. But once into menopause or 50ies your bullshit filter and spotting the mememe people gets more sensitive.

Pps are spot on, it is not necessarily fun being menopausal, you are tired from lack of sleep, mood swings, anxiety etc. A lot of people in their 30ies cannot comprehend that and just want PC attention without considering how the counterpart feels.

I used to think women in their 50ies turned sour and lost their sense of humor - we just haven't got the energy to be touchy feely with people looking for constant reassurance.

Now this sounds exceptionally angry, but we just get so tired with people always wanting something from us .

I don’t lack empathy. I work with traumatised people, empathy is my bread and butter.
But I have become much more boundaried and have stopped thinking everything is my fault. I Put myself first sometimes, and I take much less shit from people ( but I am kind and respectful about it).

Didn't notice that at all with my mum. Still lovely and caring. She took her for 5 years but she didn't lose empathy at any any time