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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A question about online dating

76 replies

OLDquestion · 17/12/2019 21:03

Hi - can’t believe I am asking this but:

If you were in contact with someone on a dating site and then by WhatsApp and meeting up had been spoken about (but not arranged yet as they are moving house this week), but that person then didn’t message you for a couple of days, would you assume they had lost interest?

There, I have asked - shoot me now - feel like an idiot but I cannot believe the extent to which this has affected me.

OP posts:

PerfectPretender · 17/12/2019 21:05

Not necessarily - moving house is utterly soul destroying, especially this time of year (ask me how I know...). I would probably just send a quick text wishing them well during the house move and leave it for a few more days.

Online dating is weird, and people do lose interest and drop off the face of the earth for smaller reasons than a house move, though. Don't take it personally.

wishywashy6 · 17/12/2019 21:14

Not necessarily no, but I'd also make sure that I had plenty of other chats going on so as to not become overly invested in someone behind a screen who, at this stage, owes me absolutely nothing.

I know it sounds harsh, I mean it in the nicest possible way, but nothing with OLD is real until it happens. At this stage you're just a stranger from the internet so are probably not his top priority at such a busy time.

Nothing wrong with dropping a text asking how it's going but at that point I'd leave the ball in his court.

The conversation dropping off/ coming to a halt is very common in OLD though so don't take it to heart. It just means they're not the one for you

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 17/12/2019 21:21

Honestly, my rational mind would be saying they’re just busy with the move, but my gut instinct would be saying they weren’t that into me. My gut instinct is never wrong; don’t know about yours. It doesn’t take long to send a text.

Original poster

OLDquestion · 17/12/2019 22:00

I’ve done the wishing him good luck for the move message at the end of our last proper conversation on Sunday night. We had about three proper conversations last week and one brief one on Saturday morning.

Last night I sent him a brief message - and he responded briefly. It was about a word puzzle I couldn’t solve (my ds solved it in the end!).

That’s it now, I am going to leave it, but I do have the gut feeling that after his move he won’t be contacting me.

What has thrown me is how bad I feel about it. I have been on and off dating sites for about a year (with big gaps), but this is the first person that I have messaged at length (relatively speaking) and that I really kind of like. As far as it is possible to like someone you have never met I know. Totally non creepy and kind of off the wall and funny. Interesting job I would really like to find out more about. One dc the same age as one of mine - even sent me a photo of him. I don’t know, just something nice about him. My age, I liked his photo, etc... He takes beautiful pictures of landscapes.

And I feel totally shit for some reason.

I had it all sewn up after my ghastly divorce. I work, I look after the dc, I try to decorate bits of the house, I single mindedly keep going. One of the dc has mental health needs, I have tried to deal with that for the past three years.

Now I have let a chink of hope in and what felt like emotion after being on ice for so long (divorce and an emotionally abusive marriage before that) and this feels truly shit for some reason. I think it might be easier to go back to my on ice state . At least I was on an even keel.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 17/12/2019 22:26

Hi OP, I have been there many times. I think what happens is, we spend so much time using OLD on and off, and we come across so many idiots/timewasters etc, that we do get a bit over-excited when we finally chat to someone who seems ideal. I stress the word 'SEEMS'.
Try to focus on the fact that although you had some nice conversations and, on paper seemed ideal, he may well have been a complete arse, or really annoying in real life!
You have gotten carried away with the idea of this man and the hope of finding someone who fits.
I've had it both ways. I've chatted to guys I thought were great and they have 'disappeared' and I've been gutted. But then I've also chatted to guys, really really liked them but then after a few dates realised they were not as great as I thought!
Chin up OP and move onto the next one......

Lampan · 17/12/2019 22:32

The most important thing to remember when online dating is that nobody is ‘real’ until you have met face to face, and even then you need time to really get to know someone.
Please bear in mind that, although it’s easy to do, developing feelings or even hope is premature at this stage. Maybe he’s not who he says he is. Maybe he looks very different from his pictures. Maybe he has a voice you can stand or terrible personal hygiene. Etc etc. Maybe you will meet and just not feel anything at all.
Try not to build it up. Maybe he is still interested and just busy, maybe he has lost interest, maybe his wife found messages, maybe he is a catfish. You just don’t know.
Good luck and try to keep people at arms length before you get to know them. It’s best to arrange to meet ASAP to avoid wasted time.

Smogster · 17/12/2019 22:53

As a guy, I have the same doubts and worries when speaking to women I meet on dating sites (I'm sitting watching my phone as someone I texted 3 hours ago hasn't replied yet so I know how you feel :-) ). But some people are just bad at texting, especially when they've got something big going on in their lives like a house move.

Two days isn't overly long to not speak to someone, especially if you haven't met yet, so I wouldn't worry too much. Sometimes you need to be patient, but also don't put too much importance on this one guy.

lifeisgoodagain · 17/12/2019 23:19

From experience, possibly. Some even after meeting disappeared on me. Whereas my now partner made an effort even on moving day

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 09:47

Thanks for the messages.

Everything that everyone has said is true, and in any case I had kind of got to the end of things we could talk about without meeting in a way. I would definitely meet up with him as there was enough there that I was interested to find out more about, but all the comments about possibly then not being interested, or not liking his voice, or his having bad person hygiene, etc.. they all stand.

If this is the last I have heard from him, much better a "rejection" at this stage than after we had met, I think my fragile ego would have found that hard (if I had liked him that is).

The thing that I am finding slightly difficult to cope with mentally, is that I am wondering where I went wrong in my messages - what could I have said differently or how could I have been different. But there is no way that he can really know who I am just from some messages so therein lies one of the contradictions of OLD I suppose? That you wonder how the hell you blew it, or if Iearn from this, it is too late for me with him as I will have to use my "perfect" message technique on the next person that I won't really be interested in .

OP posts:

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 09:48

@Smogster I hope you got the message you were waiting for .

OP posts:

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 09:50

I guess with hindsight I know how I would have played the messages differently, but it is too late now. Weird feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 09:57

bad personal hygiene, not bad person hygiene .

I think I explained that wrong - regarding the contradiction. The contradiction is that people are supposed to form an idea of you from some messages, but there is absolutely no way that they really know if they would like you or not from just some words I guess.

However the onus is now on the writer to write the most captivating stuff to try and capture the interest of a person whom they have never met, and who is probably writing to lots of other people all trying to do the same.

OP posts:

Feelingabitashamed · 18/12/2019 10:06

OP I very much doubt you blew it by saying the wrong thing.

Unfortunately this is something you come to realise about OLD, it is very easy to establish these chats and for them to end just as fast. While you've not met, however well you seem to be getting on, you are very low down the list of real life priorities for the person (and they you) so if they have a difficult life event, meet someone else or just can't be bothered then unfortunately chats can and do end pretty abruptly.

Please try not to take it personally, you really do need the hide of a rhino for OLD.

I inadvertently did this to a guy the other day, didn't feel the convo was going anywhere fast (if I am honest, bad as it sounds, he talked about loving a band I hate), got distracted by life and let it peter out but then got a message from him calling me out on this and felt quite bad as he was more engaged than I was (and apologised).

Sounds like you've taken an emotional beating by the divorce. Don't rush into OLD at a time you're feeling fragile, or at least take plenty of time to do things that make you happy as well.

Musti · 18/12/2019 10:27

He's just a normal guy who you haven't met yet. I've gradually stopped messaging people because of all sorts of reasons and moving is emotionally and physically draining. So if you've talked enough to establish that you're interested in meeting then just relax and wait until you meet. If it doesn't happen it's no big deal as you've never met him.

Talk to other guys so you don't get too invested in this one.

Perpetuallysingle · 18/12/2019 10:50

remain open minded and try not to over analyse or overthink it. My current OLD guy is great with the communication generally but does have a tendency to go very quiet when he is busy....he has kids, a busy job. I can imagine he'd have gone very quiet for a couple of days with a house move. My rule is 3 days of quiet and I accept they've lost interest. And if after a quiet couple of days they make contact again, it has to be engaging and interested chat and not monosyllabic. Hope you get the outcome you want

wishywashy6 · 18/12/2019 10:50

It's nothing you've done or said wrong OP

If he has lost interest then it's no reflection on you as a person. I never felt any pressure to captivate anyone, I was just me (a bit of a sarcastic arsehole most of the time!)

If (and that's still a big if - as others have said moving house is a shower of shite) he has lost interest then he wasn't the one for you.

When my now DP first messaged me on OLD I didn't fancy him from his pictures but something about him made me want to talk to him. He was lovely to chat to and conversation just flowed and went off on all sorts of tangents we never ran out of things to talk about. At the time I had several other convos on the go with other guys but the more I talked to DP I gradually stopped bothering with the others. He was always the one I looked forward to getting a text from and thankfully when we did finally meet for a date I fancied the pants off him
The point I'm trying to make is, NOTHING that the other guys I was talking to could have said or done would have made any difference, it wasn't their fault. It's not your fault either so try not to overanalyse this

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 18/12/2019 11:24

Let's face it, old encourages imaginary relationships and imaginary men. Even when you live with an abuser irl (you and me both) a lot of the relationship is all in your head wishing and hoping it will all turn out a certain way but the reality is very different. I would suggest you're not ready for old just yet. There are a lot of perverts, arseholes etc on there just saying what they think you want to hear. Look forward to a good book, a box set, a nice bath rather than a message from some random man who is just a figment of your imagination right now. You've been through a lot, don't let this knock you back.

TheCatWithTheHat · 18/12/2019 11:46

@OLDquestion (I changed my name from Smogster last night) - Thanks! I did get a reply, but not quite as chatty as I was hoping for. Life was so much simpler before texting and WhatsApp

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 13:33

Life was so much simpler before texting and WhatsApp - yes I agree!

Thanks for the insightful messages. If anything this whole thing has made me realise that I am quite far away from having a full and interesting life. If I did I might not even notice that someone had stopped messaging .

OP posts:

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 18:13

I guess what has happened is that this episode has thrown a light on how lonely I am. I had kept a lid on it for so long, and now that it’s off I don’t know how to get it back on.

I know that it is this that I have to deal with before I throw myself into dating anyone really, but how?

I have this ache in my stomach I can’t get rid of .

OP posts:

Original poster

OLDquestion · 18/12/2019 21:06

Sorry just bumping this to see if anyone has any words of wisdom on how I can shake this horrible feeling that all the pain and longing I have suppressed over the years has come tumbling down on to me all in one go. Feel terrible and any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Have a horrible anxious hole in my stomach.

OP posts:

Perpetuallysingle · 19/12/2019 11:33

Op I totally relate . I was lonely through 10 years of marriage. I had counselling when I left, it really helped. Is this an option for you?

Original poster

OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 13:18

Thank you @Perpetuallysingle .

I went to counselling in the thick of my divorce and then stopped due to the expense. However I have just started going (every two weeks) again as I feel I need to really talk all over again.

I feel like bursting the confines of my carefully controlled life and actually start living and relating to people again.

OP posts:

Original poster

OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 13:19

(But I am also really scared of being hurt and it destroying me).

OP posts:

Feelingabitashamed · 19/12/2019 13:22

bursting the confines of my carefully controlled life and actually start living and relating to people again

This sounds like a great idea. Do you have any friends you've drifted from during the divorce or interests you've let slide?

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