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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A question about online dating

76 replies

OLDquestion · 17/12/2019 21:03

Hi - can’t believe I am asking this but:

If you were in contact with someone on a dating site and then by WhatsApp and meeting up had been spoken about (but not arranged yet as they are moving house this week), but that person then didn’t message you for a couple of days, would you assume they had lost interest?

There, I have asked - shoot me now - feel like an idiot but I cannot believe the extent to which this has affected me.

OP posts:
Perpetuallysingle · 19/12/2019 13:30

Honestly OP do it, take risks and embrace life. I turned 40 earlier this year and it's been such a turning point. I actually feel like I'm living for the first time in my life! Flowers

Original poster
OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 13:32

Yes I do - it’s harder because of working full time how and all of our dc being at secondary school, but could meet up with every so often.

It’s not only that, it’s me being downstairs in the silent house and all of my teens upstairs. When I think of all the life that there used to be in the house Sad.

With the online man, I have decided that I will message him a couple of days after I know he has moved and ask him how it went, say that I enjoyed chatting and ask him if he wants to meet (he had previously said we should). What’s the worst that can happen? He will say no or ignore the message. Which I would find hard but get over? Can’t not take risks and I wouldn’t be offended if I got a message like that from someone. Maybe not interested but that’s different.

OP posts:
Original poster
OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 13:33

Missed your message perpetually will write more in a sec.

OP posts:
Original poster
OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 13:48

Just seen a few typos in my last message but one!

@Perpetuallysingle - what kind of changes did you make?

OP posts:
Feelingabitashamed · 19/12/2019 15:30

Well that's a great starting point, even rekindling a WhatsApp or facebook chats with friends and making a point of catching up more regularly that way would help you feel less isolated and enforce your support network.

And yes, with Mr Online, why not give him one more try, plus keep looking?
Don't take it to heart if it doesn't lead anywhere but no harm in sending one more message if it was left hanging.

Original poster
OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 17:23

Thank you. I realise I seem kind of unhinged.

I feel unhinged to be honest Confused. It was honestly easier without all this potential dating or not dating stuff doing my head in. But I don’t want to live the rest of my life in some kind of emotional fridge.

OP posts:
RamblingRose1 · 19/12/2019 17:41

I don't think you are unhinged, I totally get the feeling lonely in a house full of teens too!
I do think you need to take it easy with the OLD though and have another interest going at the same time so you can just treat it as a bit of a hobby, nice if you did happen to click with someone but not overinvested in it enough to be hurt when it doesn't work out otherwise you are in danger of being played. You come across as genuinely decent and not everyone on there is so be yourself but take it all with a pinch of salt 😊
I go running and meet friends, don't let it take over your life just hope for the odd nice evening with a nice person that may or may not lead to friendship, oh and probably some funny stories to tell your friends.
Good luck.

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 19/12/2019 18:16

It’s not only that, it’s me being downstairs in the silent house and all of my teens upstairs. When I think of all the life that there used to be in the house .

Op I have really been feeling this recently. I spent years feeling overwhelmed by the massive responsibility of 2 young DCs on my own and how much they needed me.. to sitting on my own in the evenings. I find it really sad.

Original poster
OLDquestion · 19/12/2019 21:10

Thank you for the messages.

Yes the silence when the teens all prefer upstairs comes as a bit of a shock.

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PrettyPretty · 20/12/2019 06:29

Good morning OP, you sound lovely. I’m in my late 50s and went through what you’re going through after my divorce ( I’ve been divorced twice now). This loneliness will pass and you definitely will meet someone. I went into OLD treating it like a hobby and a way of meeting someone different for the evening. I had zero expectations. After about 30 dates over the last two years I have met someone I really like. My advice is chat to lots of different potential dates and take it very lightly.

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/12/2019 07:03

(But I am also really scared of being hurt and it destroying me)

This is perfectly natural but I did have some CBT to deal with this . You don't sound unhinged at all - again perfectly normal. As regards the OLD meet sooner rather than later and avoid long chats with people you don't know .It's all too easy to let your mind build things up . Do what above poster says . I though my life was over in my 50s and I am now remarried to a wonderful man .

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 10:30

Thank you for your lovely (and hopeful) messages. Bad night again last night so I asked if I could see my counsellor today and tomorrow (he was a bit Confused), but actually I don’t think I need to see him twice as I am slowly pulling myself together.

Not sure it is at all a good idea to message OLD guy as clearly my ego is far from strong enough to deal with any of this, and the inevitable no or ignoring of my message will pull me back down. Or worse, that could happen after meeting. Then that would be an actual rejection.

Who knew it would feel this bad. Not anyone’s fault apart from the fact that I obviously have a lot of work of my own to do in terms of rebuilding my life.

OP posts:
AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 20/12/2019 10:58

I agree with you OP, don't text him. You've text him the last time, so etiquette would be for him to get in touch with you next. (I know others won't agree with that)

And like you said, I don't think you're strong enough at the moment to cope with rejection or what you perceive to be rejection.

You need to concentrate on yourself and building yourself up. You can have a fulfilling life without needing a man or any other person in it. If he gets in touch, great. If he doesn't, it's really not a big deal. 'Be cool'.
Never rely on another person to fulfill your sadness or emptiness, you will only be disappointed. That's why you need other things in your life that will make you happy and that you are in control over. I know it's a cliche, but it could be a new hobby, a new place of interest, etc. You said he took great landscape photography - maybe you could do the same?
You write so eloquently - consider a class, a book club, etc. Online dating doesn't need to be your outlet of 'getting yourself out there'. If anything, online dating is exactly what you don't need.

Also, change the way you think. I don't mean to undermine your loneliness or your feelings, but when your teens are upstairs and you're downstairs and alone, try and focus on how lucky you are. You have raised these people to a point in their life where they are no longer as dependent on you. Be proud of that. Instead of thinking that you're 'alone', consider it your 'personal space'. Also, suggest to them that you'd like to watch a movie together. They might not be as horrified as you think Wink

Flowers Christmas is not an easy time

bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 12:10

This thread is really helping me too, I could have written OP's post, except things have gone a little further with my OLD ( who I still haven't met). Why do we do this to ourselves!

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 12:25

Thanks for your kind message @AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet.

I completely agree that relying on someone else to make you happy is the road to feeling very bad basically!

Also, the whole mechanics of OLD do my head in - people message you, then they stop, but they are still online - aargh awful. Trying to second guess every message to see if it might put someone off. I can safely say that while the excitement of spending some evenings messaging the online person was great, the rest has been really crap! And it was coming down from that excitement that made me feel so awful, so I think I take being on an even keel as better all things told!!

I do love taking those kinds of photos actually (and wanted to show them to the OLD guy 😢), and thanks for saying I write eloquently. Would love to do some kind of writing to earn money but think it is probably too late for that. But maybe I could do a creative writing course.

With my teens, I do ask them downstairs to watch films, but they are always watching their own films upstairs. That’s a weird change over the past 10 years isn’t it - the fact that so much entertainment now happens solitarily.

Still, it is all about state of mind as you say and I now have some time off to entice the teens downstairs if they want Grin. And to decide what I want to do for myself in terms of seeing friends etc..

Thanks again for your message and to everyone else. As always I am bowled over by people’s support on here 💕.

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Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 12:27

Sorry missed your post @bangheadhere40 - I am glad this is helping you too Flowers. Yes why do we do it to ourselves! I hope things work out for you as you want.

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bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 12:56

The thing is too I bet the men aren't doubting themselves, what they wrote....they probably think nothing of it. The only person I am hurting here is myself I can see that, but I can't stop it!!! x

bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 13:02

and yes the being online but conversations just stopping. Does my head in!

bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 13:24

@OLDquestion btw this is the exact situation I am in except I am 5 weeks down the line now!!!!!!

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 13:41

@bangheadhere - what is happening with yours - are you waiting for him to get in touch?

The thing is too I bet the men aren't doubting themselves - I don’t know - there is the male poster upthread who was agonising over his unanswered message. And then when it came he wanted it to be chattier.

I just think it’s a strange medium, though it seems to work for some people.

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bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 13:53

Yes, I love chatting to him, we had vague plans to meet but due to distance nothing has come to fruition. We talk every day, it's all a bit mixed messages to be honest.

I'm trying my best to let him come to me if he wants to now though and not messaging him first. Trying to just be cool about and see what happens ( even though inside I'm dying) :-)

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 20/12/2019 13:57

I've been doing OLD for two years on and off. I'm currently two months in to seeing someone lovely. I also had a one year relationship with someone I met on tinder. My tips would be, make sure you have lots of conversations happening at once. Then if one drops off, archive the chat on WhatsApp and find a new one to replace them.
I know it's crap when someone you like stop chatting but I think you need to just try and shrug it off and move on. OLD is a numbers game, if you talk to/meet enough people, you will find someone you actually like!

bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 13:57

and I haven't been cool the last 5 weeks, so I am surprised he is still even talking to me to be honest!

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 14:06

I was wondering about that - if you archive a WhatsApp conversation would you still get a message if the other person rekindled the conversation? The other day I had to message 7 people just to move his thread off my screen Grin.

Why don’t you ask him directly banghead? Though I do get that that then might make you wonder if they are only saying yes out of politeness.

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Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 14:10

My tips would be, make sure you have lots of conversations happening at once.

The thing about that for me is that there were so few people I actually wanted to message.

Including the nice guy, I have spoken to (messaged) about 5 people, but the others were all very short lived for various reasons.

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