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Original poster

A question about online dating

76 replies

OLDquestion · 17/12/2019 21:03

Hi - can’t believe I am asking this but:

If you were in contact with someone on a dating site and then by WhatsApp and meeting up had been spoken about (but not arranged yet as they are moving house this week), but that person then didn’t message you for a couple of days, would you assume they had lost interest?

There, I have asked - shoot me now - feel like an idiot but I cannot believe the extent to which this has affected me.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 14:10

He knows how I feel! and yes I don't know if he is being polite.

what will be will be I guess.....probably nothing!

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 14:12

You could say, I suppose, that you would really like to meet up but that if he doesn’t want to you will have to stop messaging as you are getting too involved without knowing what’s what? I get that it’s hard.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 14:29

Thanks! I have tried, I think I have to accept this isn't going anywhere now. x

bangheadhere40 · 20/12/2019 14:31

If I was to offer advice ( based on the mistakes I have made over the last few weeks) I would not message him.

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 20/12/2019 15:30

Yes if you archive him, it will still ping up if you get a message. I went for the out of sight out of mind thing 😁

I know it's rough when you feel like you actually connect with someone but get back on the app and try some new people.

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 15:37

Thank you.

I know it's rough when you feel like you actually connect with someone

Yes it was that.

OP posts:
Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 15:39

Yes, out of sight out of mind Smile.

OP posts:
FromthePinkGlitterySide · 20/12/2019 15:46

But if you've found one person like that, you can find another one. Do you mind if I ask which app you're using? I found tinder the best for instant gratification and ego stroking 😁

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 15:57

OkCupid. I like it because people can write quite long profiles. I had a look at Tinder but found it a bit intimidating.

Yes maybe there will be other people who come across like the nice guy. And to be fair I hadn’t met him so who knows. I think he was genuinely interesting. Or there were things that I was genuinely interested in, and his profile was very genuine and down to earth. He didn’t list a gazillion books that he had read and shows that he had watched. Some people’s profiles are beyond tedious. There was something funny and self-deprecating about him, but also kind.

(And he was cute Grin).

Anyway, at least this whole episode has made me realise that I do really want to be in another relationship (after my horrible divorce), and that I am willing to make myself vulnerable enough. I just need to get to a place where I am strong enough to take rejection.

Are you still using dating apps FromthePink?

OP posts:
nowaypose · 20/12/2019 16:14

I mean it in the kindest possible way but you really do need a thick skin with online dating. This happens a fair bit or it’s always possible you’ll get as far as meeting for them to ghost you afterwards. Dating can be tough at times and can take its toll on your self esteem so you have to be super strong and keep your options open. Never put all of your eggs in one basket as they say, try not to get attached to someone you’ve never met.

I understand how consuming it can all be and how exciting it can be too but he is just a stranger with a life to lead. Moving house is crippling especially at Christmas time. Always possible his WiFi isn’t up and running yet too and he might be out of data? It doesn’t really matter anyway, you need to keep searching and if he pops up again then great. If not you haven’t really lost out on anything major, just a stranger you exchanged texts with a few times.

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 16:44

if he pops up again then great. If not you haven’t really lost out on anything major, just a stranger you exchanged texts with a few times.

Yes I agree. And in future I will definitely keep anyone I am just chatting to at arm’s length (in my head).

Can’t imagine how horrible being ghosted after a date with someone you like must be 😱.

OP posts:
SubordinateThatClause · 20/12/2019 21:43

I'm lurking! This all feels very familiar. OLD is horrible but how else are we supposed to meet someone?!

Original poster
OLDquestion · 20/12/2019 23:41

Hi @SubordinateThatClause, yes, according to this article, a third of couples now meet online.

(www.google.co.uk/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/finding-love-online-more-than-half-of-couples-set-to-meet-via-the-internet-11871341)

Which is loads, but still leaves the other two thirds who met in real life. I guess the older you are (as in people generally) the harder that might be in terms of life becoming more “static”.

OLD gives us a massive pool of people to choose from which is difficult to replicate, but meeting in real life might come without the awful knowledge that you could be pipped to the post at any time by someone whose message repartee is more scintillating Sad.

And this whole episode has made me really hate my phone.

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 20/12/2019 23:46

Maybe send one last message before you archive just saying something like I understand you're really busy with the house move, so just drop me a message when you're settled and we can chat :). If he does, great. If he doesn't .. nothing lost, nothing gained, I guess. It sucks, but sadly with online dating you have to grow a pretty thick skin for things like this.

TheCatWithTheHat · 21/12/2019 00:29

I can tell you that (at least some) guys have the same feelings of anxiety when someone they care for doesn't reply to a message. I'm terrible - checking their WhatsApp to see if they are online, and stressing if they read my message and don't reply for ages when they usually are very quick to respond. This is usually only with people I really like though - usually when I've had a great date and want to see them again, and in the recent case someone I've been dating for a few months now.

Usually though my gut feeling is right - in the recent case they admitted a couple of days ago that they are worried about "us" as they are really stressed and depressed, and just don't feel themselves. Hence why they've not been in touch as much. In my mind they've been out with exes and on other dates, in reality they've been sat in bed feeling unable to speak to anyone.

Usually the reality isn't as bad as you imagine - so the trick is to try and convince yourself of that. And also do things to take your mind off it. I go to the gym and leave my phone at home, or leave it switched off on the other side of the room while I watch a film so I'm not constantly checking it.

If you're feeling that way about people you've not met up with then I'd suggest trying to speak to a few more people. Just knowing that you have other options out there really does help calm your mind.

Also, the rules of texting (e.g., don't send two messages in a row) don't always have to apply. Quite often if I haven't had a reply from someone after a couple of days or weeks I'll send another message, and most of the time it kicks the conversation back into life. As long as it's a reasonable amount of time I don't see the issue.

bangheadhere40 · 21/12/2019 09:50

I'm so thankful for this thread, 😁 it's putting things into perspective for me and makes me know I'm not going crazy. Well I am, but good advice to manage it.

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 21/12/2019 10:20

I actually deleted my profile last week. Still very early days though so I'll probably be back on there next week! If it gives you any sort of hope the bloke I'm seeing, I was his first online date ever.

Tinder can be a little intimidating but once you get the hang of it, I definitely found it to be the easiest. Might be worth another look.

I know the whole thing is daunting but you've decided you are ready for a new relationship and that you are willing to let a little bit of vulnerability show which is great. I'm sure someone lovely is out there, wondering if he's ever going to meet you.

Original poster
OLDquestion · 21/12/2019 10:38

Thanks so much for the latest messages, and off the back of people’s encouragement I messaged the online person asking if he wants to meet up and he said yes definitely (!!!). And sorry that he hadn’t been in touch but he had had a stressful time.

Can’t believe it Smile!!

@bangheadhere40 why don’t you ask your person directly. I was so scared but made my thumb press send and then ran away from the phone.

Now a whole new set of worries will set in for me but I will deal with them one at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
OLDquestion · 21/12/2019 10:42

Sorry missed your kind message @FromthePinkGlitterySide - so glad your dating is going well, and yes, that you are his first online person Smile.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 21/12/2019 11:04

@old I have asked many times and he doesn't firm plans, it's pointless for me.

Well done to you!

On another note got chatting to another last night and fell asleep, he messaged this morning worried I had dropped him. Maybe men do agonise over this too.

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 21/12/2019 11:11

Oh that's great news! Please keep us updated 😁

forumdonkey · 21/12/2019 11:15

My advice is meet quickly. It saves getting an emotional connection with someone you might not like for a number of reasons in RL. I remember liking lots of men on screen and in RL I was ready for doing a runner out of the nearest toilet window. I created a great single life with the view of OLD being just that -dating, going out, having fun but not a relationship. I made myself a life that didn't include a man. I always said it'd take someone completely amazing to change that and out of the blue without expecting it, I met him and he changed everything for me.

It was also the same for my BF too because of his circumstances he wasn't looking for a relationship but here we are going up to three years together and planning our future together.

Somebody once said you've got to love yourself and it's true. Keep your boundaries high and do things for you and make yourself happy. Don't let someone else be incharge of your happiness, especially someone who you've never met.

I

bangheadhere40 · 21/12/2019 11:39

I didn't reply to this new one for 30 mins and he's now saying ' that killed it then'.

Why is it always the ones you like that never do what you want, I would do anything to get that from the other one.

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 21/12/2019 14:51

Sod's law @bangheadhere40 😁

I used to think of that song... Thank you, next!

TheCatWithTheHat · 21/12/2019 15:34

@bangheadhere40 a guy has stopped talking to you because you didn't reply for 30 minutes?

I had someone delete me from an app, and block me on WhatsApp as I didn't read their message until the following day (I was out when they messaged the previous evening). I noticed they'd blocked me when I read the message and couldn't reply! Some people are a a bit too impatient.