Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help finding my lady balls

51 replies

Sunshineandshowers94 · 17/12/2019 10:59

This is my first thread so bear with me as it’s gonna be a long one!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over three years. The first year was amazing; he was kind, caring, loving, funny and immature but lovely to be around. I completely trusted him and let my guard down. Just over a year into the relationship, he went cold - no sex, no passion, distant and just in general not himself. He kept saying he was just feeling down and not liking his job. A couple of weeks went by and there was still no improvement so... dare I say it... I checked his phone and found flirty and loving messages to and from another girl. I confronted him immediately, he gave me probably a bulls story but we said we would try and work things out. Over the last two years I’ve seen messages to and from other girls from our local area and I have kept it to myself - taking pictures of his messages and carrying on like everything is fine - why? I do not know. Maybe I thought he would change?
This year I bought my first house and he has moved in with me. Still things haven’t changed he is still messaging other girls, and is even sending pictures of my house to them trying to impress them by saying that it is his and that he has bought it. Truth is I have worked over 80+ hours to buy that house all by myself. I am driven and have a good work ethic - something I believe he doesn’t have.
When we first got together I found out he was in debt. Myself and family members helped to get him out of debt and hoped that he would change his spending ways as he seemed genuinely mortified he had got himself into that situation. Last night I went through his phone whilst he was asleep and found out that he is back in thousands of pounds worth of debt. His mum is trying to help him but it seems like he is burying his head in the sand. I just can’t believe after what happened last time that he is back in this debt but is happily going out drinking with his friends, smoking like a chimney and not going out to actively find more work.
I know in my head and heart that I no longer want to be in this relationship and that we are not compatible - I want to be with someone who loves me, respects me and wants to build a future with me. I want to get married and have children but I know that isn’t possible realistically with someone who can’t control his spending, is self employed but doesn’t seem motivated enough to run his business effectively and who spends the little money he has on booze and cigarettes. Although I know all of this I am so frightened to end it all and I don’t know why. I’m not afraid of being on my own, I know he has disrespected me but I’m scared of upsetting him, I’m scared of been seen as not supporting him or a bad person and I don’t want to ruin his or his families Christmas.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or can give me some wise words. Thank you and sorry for the long post x

OP posts:
Standstilling · 17/12/2019 11:02

RUN! Then get some counselling for yourself. He won’t change and you don’t need to waste any more of your time and energy on him.

It’s hard but put your energy into you and what you need. Flowers

jinglebelldogs · 17/12/2019 11:03

Why are you worried about upsetting someone who isn't worried about your happiness? You don't have to spend Christmas with someone who treats you this way. He's a cocklodger. Don't worry about his family, you're not responsible for him or them.

Pack his bags and change the locks. Thanks

Thesuzle · 17/12/2019 11:05

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, get rid of him fast, DO NOT BREED with this idiot

Dacquoise · 17/12/2019 11:07

I’m scared of been seen as not supporting him or a bad person and I don’t want to ruin his or his families Christmas.

Hi @sunshineandshowers94, I suspect you are showing co-dependent, caretaking tendencies which would be easily sorted by some counselling/therapy. Being a 'good' person to the detriment of yourself is not great and you are vulnerable to being thoroughly used and abused. Been there, done that. You are not his parent and need to disengage. As it's your house, can you ask him to leave, stay at his parents? Tell him you need some space to work on yourself?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/12/2019 11:07

Der God, why have you put up with being treated like this for so long?

Why is your self-esteem so low?

Pack his bags and tell him to go. He will just drag you down. And you could end up losing your house, that you've worked so hard for.

What he and his family end up doing for Christmas is none of your concern and not your responsibility.

Find those balls, lady. You can do this.

Get rid of this idiot and have a lovely Christmas knowing that you have a fresh start ahead.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2019 11:10

Come on, you're smarter than this. It's time to raise your standards and not settle for a twat like this. To hell with Christmas, kick him out now and then block him. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a twat free Christmas and a happy start to the new year?

custardbear · 17/12/2019 11:10

This man will take you to the cleaners and dump you for another woman - get him out of your home and change the locks
Good luck!

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/12/2019 11:13

Supporting him to do what? At the moment you are supporting him to text other women (and probably a lot more) and running up debts. You are supporting him to get pissed with his mates and not look for work. You are supporting him in ruining your dreams and to

not getting the loving family you want. You are supporting him to be more important than you. You are supporting him to upset you instead of him.

Dumping a waste of space does not make you a bad person. It makes you a strong person who knows her worth.

Do you really think friends and his family are impressed by your niceness in 'supporting' him, or wondering when you'll finally wake up and do the right thing? They're not sitting round complimenting you on your niceness ad supportiveness, their wondering why youre being such a mug!

He's not the only one burying his head in the sand. You know he's a waster you have no future but you plod along sticking your fingers in your ears singing lalala because you don't want to be seen as 'mean'. All the while being mean to yourself.

Woman up and dump his ass, or you're going to be old and grey in exactly the same situation or worse - riddled with debt and STIs.

Krazynights34 · 17/12/2019 11:13

Give him 24 hours notice. His parents can take him in.
Lose him or lose your dignity.
Imagine how good you’d feel if he was gone and you were free to meet someone who loves you truly.

QueenofPain · 17/12/2019 11:14

Oh my god, just get rid of him. It doesn’t sound like he has any redeeming features. Your life is going to be so so so much better once you’re finally physically and mentally distant from this leech.

Make a concrete plan, stick to it, make sure your family are aware of the plan and able to support if needed, make it as easy as possible to get him and all of his belongings gone in one go. And get your locks changed. Engineer a clean break and don’t engage in any discussion of negotiation with him at all.

You won’t have ruined anyone’s xmas, he’s ruined his own by taking you for an absolute cunt all this time. I’m so angry on your behalf.

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/12/2019 11:15

their wondering = they are!

brassbrass · 17/12/2019 11:22

Please please pleeeeeeaaaaaasssseeee this man has had zero respect for you since say one. He is so utterly unworthy of you. Not once in all that time has he considered your feelings why are you worrying about ruining his Christmas? Has he brought joy to yours????

Don't wait any longer. He has repeatedly and consistently shown you how little he values you by his actions. Give yourself the most amazing Christmas present by getting rid of this dead weight and reflecting on why you allowed yourself to be so what on by him.

You've achieved plenty. You are an asset to a relationship because you're loyal and caring and plenty more to offer. Don't squander precious time reclaim it!!

brassbrass · 17/12/2019 11:23

And everything thingsdogetbetter said

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 17/12/2019 11:23

Why do you think you would be seen as a bad person when you have been supporting him for THREE years while he has been continually messaging other women and living off you. You are not the bad person here, he is. He has no respect for you or your feelings. I'm sorry Op, but it sounds like he has used you. Your worth ethic and hard work has provided him with a nice home and I bet you pay all the bills too. You have to believe you are worth more than this, because you are. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. Please, please end this now, don't wait until after Christmas. Give yourself the best Christmas present ever and finish with him now. Get his stuff packed, get him out, change the locks and look forward to a cocklodger-free future.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2019 11:30

What the others have written here.

I think the person who thought you are codependent is correct but his needs are not more important here than yours. You are being dragged down by him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now other than getting your own codependency needs met?. Being codependent and or as people pleasing really does you no favours. Please rethink your whole approach to relationships through counselling and look again at your current too low boundaries through same.

justilou1 · 17/12/2019 11:35

Pack his bags, send him back to his mum’s change the locks, change your passwords, etc. Get an exorcist if you need to!

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/12/2019 11:37

OP your self esteem sounds as though it is in the gutter. You are worth more. He is using you and taking advantage of you- he is not worthy of your time and is seriously dragging you down in life. Everyone here is correct and he is appalling for your mental health.

Bloody hell OP you've done so much for yourself, this is the easy bit- he is dead weight and not who you wish he was. Someone else will be and you owe him nothing. Future you will be grateful.

Discussing this with a counsellor might be really beneficial too.

yellowallpaper · 17/12/2019 11:38

Totally agree. Pack his bags and change the locks. You're not thinking g right to even consider giving this man any more head room

Costacoffeeplease · 17/12/2019 11:38

How much more obvious does he have to be?

Get rid of the lying tosser pdq

Chunkers · 17/12/2019 11:45

And do it today, rip off the plaster, none of this ‘but it’s Christmas’ nonsense, give yourself an early present. He will be just fine.

OxfordCat · 17/12/2019 11:52

Read up on co-dependency. Get some therapy ASAP. Above all, give yourself the best Christmas present and dump him. Have his bags packed and outside the door and tell him when he arrives home. Do NOT apologise to him. Just say, this isn't working for me and tell him that you've drawn a line due to his infidelity and his debts / freeloading. You need not say anything else- just calmly repeat the above. Then change your locks and have a merry Christmas.

Skittlesandbeer · 17/12/2019 12:10

So you’re just waiting for one of these ‘local women’ he’s texting to offer him better living conditions, so he can take what little self esteem you have with him when he dumps you?

Don’t you think you’d feel better dumping him first? Retain a little dignity, as a starting point for your new life?

Clymene · 17/12/2019 12:17

He's not scared of upsetting you though is he? The only person who has ruined your relationship is him, not you.

Kick him out and I promise you your Christmas will be a lot better. You can start the new year with a fresh perspective and endless possibilities

TryTry123 · 17/12/2019 12:24

Get rid, today. You deserve much better. You bought a home, you are awesome! Stop sabotaging yourself. You got this!

sarahjconnor · 17/12/2019 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.