Help finding my lady balls

[Sunshineandshowers94]

This is my first thread so bear with me as it’s gonna be a long one!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over three years. The first year was amazing; he was kind, caring, loving, funny and immature but lovely to be around. I completely trusted him and let my guard down. Just over a year into the relationship, he went cold - no sex, no passion, distant and just in general not himself. He kept saying he was just feeling down and not liking his job. A couple of weeks went by and there was still no improvement so... dare I say it... I checked his phone and found flirty and loving messages to and from another girl. I confronted him immediately, he gave me probably a bulls story but we said we would try and work things out. Over the last two years I’ve seen messages to and from other girls from our local area and I have kept it to myself - taking pictures of his messages and carrying on like everything is fine - why? I do not know. Maybe I thought he would change?
This year I bought my first house and he has moved in with me. Still things haven’t changed he is still messaging other girls, and is even sending pictures of my house to them trying to impress them by saying that it is his and that he has bought it. Truth is I have worked over 80+ hours to buy that house all by myself. I am driven and have a good work ethic - something I believe he doesn’t have.
When we first got together I found out he was in debt. Myself and family members helped to get him out of debt and hoped that he would change his spending ways as he seemed genuinely mortified he had got himself into that situation. Last night I went through his phone whilst he was asleep and found out that he is back in thousands of pounds worth of debt. His mum is trying to help him but it seems like he is burying his head in the sand. I just can’t believe after what happened last time that he is back in this debt but is happily going out drinking with his friends, smoking like a chimney and not going out to actively find more work.
I know in my head and heart that I no longer want to be in this relationship and that we are not compatible - I want to be with someone who loves me, respects me and wants to build a future with me. I want to get married and have children but I know that isn’t possible realistically with someone who can’t control his spending, is self employed but doesn’t seem motivated enough to run his business effectively and who spends the little money he has on booze and cigarettes. Although I know all of this I am so frightened to end it all and I don’t know why. I’m not afraid of being on my own, I know he has disrespected me but I’m scared of upsetting him, I’m scared of been seen as not supporting him or a bad person and I don’t want to ruin his or his families Christmas.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or can give me some wise words. Thank you and sorry for the long post x

mmm, there's a lot of hoping he would change from you and your family and zero action on his part.

Never bet on a man's potential. He is basically a cocklodging cheater. Tell him he needs to move out and he has one month's notice.

He is using you and your family. And breaking your trust. Your mistake was to have him move him. Time to move him out. And you owe him nothing financially, regardless of what has paid in bills, mortgage etc.

I reread your post.

Why are you scared of upsetting him?

Second thoughts about the notice. Get your dad/strong male relative around. Tell him he has to leave, NOW. You will pack up his things for him later. He needs to get the fuck out.

Then change the locks.

Scumbag.

That's some deadweight right there op. He's dragging you down, and you will stay down, and drown even further right along with him, until you cut him free. You will feel amazing afterwards.

You are amazing. Buying a house on your own and working such long hours!

Find your equal! Not this lazy lying twat who has no doubt been cheating on you from the start.

People show their true colours eventually.

I forgot to ask is his name on your mortgage? I hope not.. some of that debt could be taken out on your home... or at the very least, on your address. That is a huge risk.

Years back in my twenties I dated someone like this. He tried to get me to take out a loan for him. I refused. What a cock he was. A lying, cheating lazy ass, just like your current excuse of a man.

Get rid OP. In the bin with him. Screw Christmas, he doesn't give a flying monkey's tit about you. Sending photos of YOUR house to prospective shags? Fuck, that would make my blood BOIL. OUT OUT OUT WITH THE TRASH..... DO IT TODAY!!!

Your boyfriend is having sex with other women.

Say it to yourself and ask yourself what are you waiting for? Am STI that can result in infertility? You will never have a happy family with this twat.

Pack his things (badly) chuck them outside your door and lock it. Do not give notice or explanation he does not deserve it and I think you are not strong enough in your self esteem to withstand the begging/pleading shit that will come of him.

No contact. Nil. Have a twat-free Christmas.

There is always something good about these twats and they know how to play a woman.

Nice penis, good cook... something they con you with. He sees you as a free home, a literal doormat. A bank account he can dip into. He cares about you only as long as you are doing something FOR him. If not, he would be looking for another over-caring woman.

Fuck that. Get your woman balls on and get him out.

My question to you: why do you feel the need to be with him?
Are you worried of being single?

Get rid before he shags someone else in your bed.

All the time you waste with him your not meeting someone else.

Your entire post could be condensed into one sentence:

"My boyfriend is a cheating lying cocklodger".

Take a good long look at it and LTB. He is a useless twat.

You are also overthinking.

I promise you there is someone better out there.

He is what is generally referred to as a dead beat. He will not miraculously change. All that will happen is that he’ll try to drag you down with him and if you succeed despite this, he will turn nasty. Getting rid of him will be the best decision you ever make.

Oh my darling, why can't you see that you're a million times too good for this man? Or maybe you are starting to see it, you just need to really believe it. The way I see it you have two choices now, you can let this keep trundling on because you don't want to hurt him/be the bad guy etc and let him hold you back from all you could be/achieve in life. Or, you can realise that you owe this man (and anyone who judges you for leaving him) nothing at all, leave him behind (where he belongs) and go for what you want in life without him weighing you down. Just think how amazing your future could be if you were with someone with the sort of drive and ambition you clearly have!

Op, all this relationship is is a bad habit you refuse to break. The only reason you're still with him is because you feel it's easier to stay and your completely misguided worries of hurting him. Break these bad habits.

You should give him notice to move out. The truth is that he has been using you to support his irresponsible lifestyle for some considerable time. Finding himself living with his Mother may be just the kick he needs to sort his life out. You have done your best, let it go and get on with your life.

Run!

I’ve never heard anyone say ‘urgently dump him’ but it seems to suit this situation.

Your first year was a mask. Now the mask is off and it’s revealed your lying, cheating parasite of a “boyfriend”.

Please do yourself a favour and set yourself free to find an actual man.

Kick him out, he doesn't deserve you.

Oh dear god he’s an absolute cockroach! He’s been lying, cheating and squandering money your entire relationship. I know his type to a T as my mother was married to a bloke just like this! He’s likely a narcissist and he’s using you. Please listen to what people are telling you here. Get him out of your house, change the locks and don’t look back. Thank god you’re not married and don’t have any DC!

Read up on assertiveness OP and read up on why lovely people like yourself end up in unhealthy relationships.
The fear you express at the thought of ending the relationship is fear of the unknown...but if you continue as you are, your future will be one of desperate regret, despair and bitterness.
Listen to and act on your instincts. They're there for a very good reason.
This is YOUR life; YOUR future and YOUR happiness that's being trashed by someone not fit to lick your boots.
YOU matter!
You know in your heart of hearts what you need to do.

Yuck yuck yuck
Kick him out now. Seriously. Now.

He sounds like an absolute loser OP, get rid! You can do so much better than this scrounging ‘man’. You’re just used to having him around that the change will feel scary at first. If you say you want to get married snd start a family, please don’t waste anymore time on him, he is not the one for you. Just thank your lucky stars you have your own place and your not already tied down to this child with marriage and children

Thank you for all your replies. I feel as though I’ve found my lady balls and know what I need to do!

Good op. Never settle for less just because.

Do you think he was thinking about you when he was messaging other girls? Do you think he was worried about your feelings when he got into debt again after you bailing him out? I would give him as much thought as he gives you

Get rid of him and spend some of the money you save by not subbing him on some therapy for you to explore your lack of self regard and find a way of valuing yourself.