This is my first thread so bear with me as it’s gonna be a long one!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over three years. The first year was amazing; he was kind, caring, loving, funny and immature but lovely to be around. I completely trusted him and let my guard down. Just over a year into the relationship, he went cold - no sex, no passion, distant and just in general not himself. He kept saying he was just feeling down and not liking his job. A couple of weeks went by and there was still no improvement so... dare I say it... I checked his phone and found flirty and loving messages to and from another girl. I confronted him immediately, he gave me probably a bulls story but we said we would try and work things out. Over the last two years I’ve seen messages to and from other girls from our local area and I have kept it to myself - taking pictures of his messages and carrying on like everything is fine - why? I do not know. Maybe I thought he would change?
This year I bought my first house and he has moved in with me. Still things haven’t changed he is still messaging other girls, and is even sending pictures of my house to them trying to impress them by saying that it is his and that he has bought it. Truth is I have worked over 80+ hours to buy that house all by myself. I am driven and have a good work ethic - something I believe he doesn’t have.
When we first got together I found out he was in debt. Myself and family members helped to get him out of debt and hoped that he would change his spending ways as he seemed genuinely mortified he had got himself into that situation. Last night I went through his phone whilst he was asleep and found out that he is back in thousands of pounds worth of debt. His mum is trying to help him but it seems like he is burying his head in the sand. I just can’t believe after what happened last time that he is back in this debt but is happily going out drinking with his friends, smoking like a chimney and not going out to actively find more work.
I know in my head and heart that I no longer want to be in this relationship and that we are not compatible - I want to be with someone who loves me, respects me and wants to build a future with me. I want to get married and have children but I know that isn’t possible realistically with someone who can’t control his spending, is self employed but doesn’t seem motivated enough to run his business effectively and who spends the little money he has on booze and cigarettes. Although I know all of this I am so frightened to end it all and I don’t know why. I’m not afraid of being on my own, I know he has disrespected me but I’m scared of upsetting him, I’m scared of been seen as not supporting him or a bad person and I don’t want to ruin his or his families Christmas.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or can give me some wise words. Thank you and sorry for the long post x