Every year we go to my parents for Christmas and I dread it. I know the simple answer would be to plan christmas here but it is not as simple as that as it would be a huge offence to my mum and dad to change it. I already suggested it and it was closed down immediately. For one reason or another we stay too long - I would dearly love to cut this down and may be the only solution even though I know this too would hugely hurt her feelings.
The main issue is my mum is a martyr and this makes the situation not straightforward. She will take it upon herself do everything and without cutting corners and, unsurprisingly, then hates us for it because she is so exhausted.
In normal situations for normal families, the solution would be simple, do more so she is not doing everything. But she literally cannot and will not let anyone step in. We fight to help and we will continue to do so, but it is so wearing. We literally have to trick her and sprint to the kitchen to even do washing up.
Suggestions to cook are not allowed (its her kitchen), suggestions for takeaway or booking a restaurant for christmas eve are not allowed (I have food already in), to bring food (we already have too much in), etc etc. Inevitably she gets exhausted so when we do finally sit down for dinner, something insignificant can trigger her storming off from the table.
Before anyone says, stop asking and do it anyway, this doesn't work either. She hates not doing anything. She literally finds it impossible to sit still so even if there was nothing to do, she would still do something. I don't think I've ever seen her sit down or relax, not even for a moment.
Also she doesn't really like receiving presents either so the solution isn't gifts to show we appreciate her effort. Obviously we ignore that fact but still she actively dislikes every present I give her. I spend a lot of effort trying to get her the perfect present and pay attention to what she actually says she needs/wants during the year. But every single time she will still open the present and without getting it out the box will tell me how much she doesnt like it. She will then ask me to take it back and when I say I can't she will still then later pass it back to me. It is the same from presents from anyone.
To keep this post short, I won't go into everything as it's not just christmas. It is also not just towards me, but towards others too, friends and family. My dad, a very capable and intelligent man, can't even make himself a cup of tea, which from the outside looks like he is lazy but sometimes I think he has just given up fighting it. My dad once paid for a gardener but it instead made the situation worse because she endlessly criticised what the gardener did and ended up competitively doing extra work in the garden.
Sometimes I feel like she changes reality and it takes me a long to recover my identity and feel confident in my own choices after spending time with her. My head always feels a bit of a mess afterwards.
Does anyone have a mum like this?