Family member expects closer relationship

[Dollymixture22]

Just wanted some advice about a distant family member who wants a closer relationship than my family is willing to give.

He is included in Christmas parties Etc, and the older generation visit him occasionally, but at this time of year he becomes bitter and always lectures us about how we never visit or bother with him. He isn’t elderly or unwell.

I have started dreading family parties because I know this is coming. He lived in another country during my childhood and I have only met him a handful of times (he regularly calls me by the wrong name during here lectures). He also makes me uncomfortable- I don’t know why but I get a ‘wrong’ vibe from him.

I would like a nice way of saying we aren’t close family and I don’t want to see more of you than I already do😬. Is this at all possible or should I just suck it up every year.

I'd just pass the time of day with him at parties and every time he starts to moan drift away, physically or just mentally. Don't reply to moaning, just random answers. You'll never win.

What do you mean by your family- your immediate husband/dc family? Or your parents etc

You can just pay him lip service and not invite, not listen to lectures and not engage if that’s what you want to do. You really can just disengage

By my family I mean parents and siblings. He tried to guilt us into doing more for him - especially my parents.

He lectures my generation on not including him.

Last year he overheard a reference to a ‘cousins’ dinner. We do it every year to mark the birthday of a cousin who passed away when we were children. He made a whole drama about not being invited. My uncle explained we are all much younger than him, and he hadn’t met our cousin who died. He still huffed.

It made me very angry that everyone tip toes around him.

I have fantasies about putting him in his place - but I think grin and bear it is probably the only way to keep family peace.

People only guilt you if you let them.

I'd be direct and unemotional with him. That usual works with emotional blackmailers. Something like 'We see enough of you given we aren't close family'

Just say "it's a bit laughable you going on and on at us about wanting to be close when you don't even know my fucking name" and then just stare at him

You’re right. But for some reason my parents and aunts and uncles pity him.

I know every family has an awkward member, and this happens to be ours. But we have had thirty years without any weird dynamics so it’s taking a while to adjust to this new addition😊.

Tell him to get out more if he is lonely, join some clubs, make an effort.

What relation is he to you? I suppose if he were constantly going on it might be annoying, and if you really think he has a 'wrong' vibe, you can't help that. He's everyone else's 'responsibility' just as much as yours. Let them worry about it.

I will try the direct and unemotional. I think there has been too much Pandering to him.

He expected to come home to the waltons and be sitting in the centre of us all. We have nothing in common - I have no desire to spend any more time with him than I already do.

Interested woman - he is a second cousin.

So he is an older cousin? Why is he invited? Just because you're related, it doesn't mean you have to spend time with him, or invite him at all.

And make sure you correct him EVERY time he gets your name wrong.

Have you talked to your parents about this? What do they say is the reason everyone panders to him? Do they feel the same as you?

He sounds like an awkward character and the polite but distant approach is probably best if you struggle around him.

My parents get cross with me if I complain too much.

They dislike him, but feel guilty that he hasn’t had the sort of life he rest of us have had. I suppose I am harder and blame him for that. He is in his late fifties and has never worked.

I just find him really irritating.

When he calls you by the wrong name, ask him who he is talking to, since it clearly isn't you. Other than that, just ignore what he says.

I’d let him call you by the wrong name and when he starts lecturing you, I’d say... you might find this amusing... i had a bet with my husband that this year I’d make more of an effort to include you if you remembered my name for once. Smile and ask... did you realise I’m not “wrong name”?

Why is he to be pitied for never having worked?

I'm guessing the fact he hasn't worked is a sign of some sort of personal difficulties.

Raggle I think it’s middle class guilt from the parents. I don't pity him, and none of my generation do. But our parents seem to feel this way.

The rest of the family has a really strong work ethic - we were all expected to go to university then have successful careers. Doctors, lawyers etc.

He is very obviously different - maybe they are trying too hard to prove they aren’t snobs😂.

I was wondering whether he hadn't needed to work as he was so rich, hence wondering why they world pity him.

How old are the cousins who go to the dinner?

When you say ‘second cousin’ do you mean he’s one of your parents cousin? We always use ‘second cousin’ to be the children of our cousins 🤷🏻‍♀️ So obviously they’re younger, not older.

This might help clear up the second cousin thing:

What is the age difference between you and him and the other cousins ?

Oops I may have meant first cousin once removed then😊

He is my mums (Half) cousin. All very complicated.

The cousins who go to dinner are twenties and thirties. He is fifties. Younger than parents but older than us.