Family member expects closer relationship

[Dollymixture22]

Just wanted some advice about a distant family member who wants a closer relationship than my family is willing to give.

He is included in Christmas parties Etc, and the older generation visit him occasionally, but at this time of year he becomes bitter and always lectures us about how we never visit or bother with him. He isn’t elderly or unwell.

I have started dreading family parties because I know this is coming. He lived in another country during my childhood and I have only met him a handful of times (he regularly calls me by the wrong name during here lectures). He also makes me uncomfortable- I don’t know why but I get a ‘wrong’ vibe from him.

I would like a nice way of saying we aren’t close family and I don’t want to see more of you than I already do😬. Is this at all possible or should I just suck it up every year.

Dollymixture22 Are you worried he is latching on to your parents? They dont seem to be able to say no to him, and they don't seem to be very curious about his past.
You cannot be made liable for anyone. You do need to learn to say 'no' to peoples face. No is a useful word and it isnt rude.

He sounds weird. You don't owe him anything and he's not actually closely related to you at all, nor did you grow up with him. He's an unpleasant stranger and there is a very good reason why none of his 6 children speak to him!

I think this can be resolved quite easily. The man has alienated his whole immediate family and jumped country. Bloody good chance he is very very bad news. Find a way to get in contact with his children, surely your parents can help, find out what he does that is so bad. Then tell people so everyone's on high alert and have low tolerance or they cut him off sooner. If it is something criminal then you've got a reason to push your family to exclude him immediately.

He’s in his late 50s and never worked (but managed to have 6 children!)

I would hazard a guess his partner/wife and kids have had enough of him being an arrogant lazy arse and he’s come home to latch onto his extended family, like a leech! With not much pension to look forward to he’ll be expecting someone to support him for the rest of his days.

Your parents get cross with you complaining - let them deal with him and stop going to family events he will be at.

I hadn’t thought of the potential criminal aspect.

My parents are not wealthy but are quite comfortable (own a holiday home, boat etc which he knows about, and always asks about🙄), so he probably does see them as a meal ticket.

I will keep an eye on the level of contact he is having with them - they are very trusting and would do anything for family.

I don’t want to stop going to family events, but will cold shoulder him.

You don’t have a problem with your uncle, you have a problem with your parents, they shouldn’t be forcing a relative on to you.

You need to deal with your parents, it is not nice to guilt trip you into spending time with someone you don’t like.

We always use ‘second cousin’ to be the children of our cousins

Then you would be using the term incorrectly!

OP-there must be more to this. How has this man supported himself?

Why do your parents feel so sorry for him?

Why is he making a beeline for you at family parties?

Are his children/grandchildren invited to these family parties?

I would just say hello politely when i saw him and move on!

Redlocks there may well be more to it that I haven’t been told.

His children and grandchildren and ex wife live in another country and have never been to this part of the world. They have never be invited to any family event - and he isn’t invited to everything (no formal occasions - weddings, retirement parties, graduation parties etc). He lives off benefits as far as I am aware. I think the ex wife worked a bit (but low paid work). Never really had much and I think money was sent regularly to help out.

Not sure why he makes a beeline for me - other than I am the oldest cousin.

I am not sure why this dynamic developed. But the mindset is still there, we look after him.

I think there was an expectation he would make his own friends/connections here, but we are the only people he seems to have in the world. Hence the pity from the parents.

He’s fallen out with all SIX of his adult children and you get bad vibes from him, your mother’s half cousin. I wouldn’t engage at all.

Have you questioned your parents? They must find it odd surely.. all six children!

Have you googled him and his country?

He's practically nobody to you! Your mothers half cousin? THIS!

And

He’s fallen out with all SIX of his adult children and you get bad vibes from him, your mother’s half cousin. I wouldn’t engage at all. THIS!

Seriously, he sounds bloody weird and needy. Most people aren’t this clingy about fairly distant relatives who they barely know. I’d resisting any attempts to guilt you into getting closer to him. He’s a grown adult, unless he has special needs or some other reason why he deserves a bit of extra support, it’s not your duty to fill the gaps in his life. There’s probably some good reasons why other people who he should be closer to have distanced themselves.

All sounds extremely weird.

How come he has never worked? That in itself is odd never mind falling out with all six of his children.

In your place I'd do a bit of detective work.

Do look him straight in the eye next time he speaks to you by the wrong name and tell him he should know your name by now.

Other than that, have as little to do with the man as is possible.

It's interesting though, I'd be intrigued and want to delve a little bit. I don't know how but there must be ways and means.

Your parent's attitude needs to turn from pity to annoyance. Maybe a cousin collective effort could work - find ways to highlight that he's doing fuck all himself to improve his life or repair his family relationships. Don't skirt around those sensitive topics.

Have you joined any clubs?
Are you doing any volunteering / classes?
What did you get your children for Christmas?
When will you talk to your children over the holidays?
What are you going to do about ?
Found work yet?
Must be hard finding the money to send home
Tell us about your grandchildren

Let him make excuses and lay blame. As a one off people will feel sorry for him but the more it is exposed the more people will be pissed off instead. Then he will be phased out.