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Original poster

Family member expects closer relationship

64 replies

Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 13:50

Just wanted some advice about a distant family member who wants a closer relationship than my family is willing to give.

He is included in Christmas parties Etc, and the older generation visit him occasionally, but at this time of year he becomes bitter and always lectures us about how we never visit or bother with him. He isn’t elderly or unwell.

I have started dreading family parties because I know this is coming. He lived in another country during my childhood and I have only met him a handful of times (he regularly calls me by the wrong name during here lectures). He also makes me uncomfortable- I don’t know why but I get a ‘wrong’ vibe from him.

I would like a nice way of saying we aren’t close family and I don’t want to see more of you than I already do😬. Is this at all possible or should I just suck it up every year.

OP posts:
FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 15/12/2019 15:54

If he goes off on a lecture about being excluded you can say "This kind of behaviour is why we do not invite you to things." Or "You are demonstrating right now why you don't get invited".

It kind of depends what you want to get out of it. Do you want him to stop acting like he has the bloody right to lecture and harangue you? Do you want to trigger him to go too far so he isn't invited again? Do you care about him having a big tantrum? Will you be blamed for his behaviour and would that bother you?

Greenkit · 15/12/2019 16:10

Sounds a bit weird

Wanting to hang out with the young people

Original poster
Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 19:16

I really just want him to stop talking to me - as awful as that sounds.

I want to go to a family party and chat to my lovely cousins and reminisce about the funny things that happened in our childhood without him

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 15/12/2019 19:21

You can’t force a familial bond, you didn’t grow up with him and that’s a distant connection in my view. Just quietly stop asking him to come to things!

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/12/2019 19:29

He's practically nobody to you! Your mothers half cousin?

That's literally nothing. I'd just blank him, if your parents and Aunts and uncles pity him, let them entertain him.

FraglesRock · 15/12/2019 19:42

I have no idea who my mum's full cousins are. If she wants to invite him then that's up to her, and to entertain him.
Nod, smile and move on..

Kanga83 · 15/12/2019 19:53

You will have to be blunt. 'I see you at xyz because my parents invite you. I however do not have an interest in a closer relationship. We are related but not family. I will be civil and cordial around the dinner table but I will not engage in conversation about my life nor will I extend a further hand of friendship'. Or words to that effect. I had to do this with my stepdads (who is like my dad) brother and partner. I had to be blunt and say no, they were not my aunt and uncle, they are not my children's family and quite frankly to but out.

Original poster
Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 19:58

Kanga - thanks.

I will try to be more direct. It’s odd, it’s as if he believes we are all really close, when I don’t even remember the one time I met him during my childhood.

I know I should feel sorry for him, that this tenuous family link means the world to him, but I just find this fake closeness really irritating.

It takes me years to be close to people, I don’t do the instant best thing. So when he talks to me or ‘our mary’ as he calls me (Mary is my cousin) it just makes my skin crawl.

OP posts:
ElvenMoonwings · 15/12/2019 20:06

I'm just wondering if he actually has any close family?

My own mother took one of her cousins under her wing years ago and we have treated her like close family nearly and vice versa. The reason was, only child with parents dead and no children whereas we are a large family. We're not closely related but however we are the closest family this cousin has.

I grew up hearing from parents that if a cousin had no close family you should try to look after them if they're in need, and stay involved, as in that case the responsibility to be their family falls on you. I feel this way. However that's easy for me to say as our distanter cousin is lovely and like a friend.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2019 20:07

Kanga is spot on. He's a very distant relative, you don't owe him anything. If you clicked with him and wanted to build a closer relationship, that would be fine but you clearly don't and there's no obligation. He sounds weird and creepy. Shame your parents won't stop with their 'guilt invites'.

Original poster
Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 20:09

Eleven - yes only child now orphaned. But six adult children and numerous grandchildren who he has fallen out with. That also annoys me, he doesn’t speak to his huge family, but lectures me on being a crap relative😊

I think we are his back up plan.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 15/12/2019 20:12

You get 'wrong' vibes from him, he has never worked, he has no friends or family - does he have a conviction? I'd google his name, then 'his name convicted'.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2019 20:13

He has 6 children plus grandchildren???!! So he's hardly alone then! He gets weirder. Why would a 50 year old man with garndchildren want to hang out with a bunch of 20-30something distant cousins? Creepy!

(Although as I write this, I realise that I'm 49 but going out with a bunch of late 20s-30 year olds this Thurs night. I feel creepy now. I am literally old enough to be their mother. In my defence, they invited me though!)

ElvenMoonwings · 15/12/2019 20:14

Ps I can understand him feeling close to his cousins even though you haven't spent much time together as regards your growing up years. You probably have family traits which you inherited from your mutual great grandparents and he feels you have inherited similarities. Perhaps you can't see them but he can. However if you don't want to be his friend you shouldn't have to be.

Original poster
Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 20:18

I have friends of all ages, the weird thing is he pre teds he grew up with us when he didn’t. If we reminisce about a holiday or an old family party he joins in as if he was there (And was a child), but he wasn’t.

His oldest children are our age.

I don’t think he has ever been in prison, but we didn’t see him for blocks of five to ten years so it is possible.

OP posts:
OVienna · 15/12/2019 20:25

If he has children if his own this is certainly all very odd. Are you in any contact with them? Plus you get weird vibes. Something def not right here.

ElvenMoonwings · 15/12/2019 20:28

Dollymixture22 in that case he just sounds weirdly creepy then. I could have sympathy with a cousin with no siblings, dead parents, couldn't have children etc, but the contact you have given him sounds appropriate. I'd just tell him that.

Original poster
Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 20:31

I have never met the children, and have no way of contacting them. It’s an illustration hat we aren’t in any way close, I don’t even know their names.

I just hold out hope that he will stop speaking to us too😊

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 15/12/2019 20:35

Frighten him off, ask him about his kids and say you've got in touch on Facebook.

BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 15/12/2019 20:36

So he's burned his bridges with his children and grandchildren and you guys are the fall-back plan as he approaches a lonely old age. Call me an old cynic but he is solely focussed on his own wants, he doesnt care about you, he sees you as a resource he can tap into.

We have a couple of late 50's men like that in our family - selfish, irresponsible bastards all their lives and then suddenly they expect to be welcomed with open arms.

Drum2018 · 15/12/2019 20:36

So he has kids and grandchildren who don't talk to him and yet you and your cousins are expected to pander to him? Fuck that. If your parents and aunt/uncles want to entertain him the next so bit it but you don't have to at all. Every time he even hints at a lecture ask him how the grandkids are. It might shut him up and stop him from speaking to you again. Seriously, I'd just avoid and ignore him.

Drum2018 · 15/12/2019 20:40

the next so bit it

Should read 'then so be it'

Original poster
Dollymixture22 · 15/12/2019 22:23

I am so glad I posted this. I have been feeling like an awful person.

My worry is he has landed in this country with no support network and he is quite needy. My parents and uncles are in their seventies. I will totally be there for my parents when they need me, but I don’t want to be landed with caring for this man in his later years. I know I am moving far far ahead, but he is not very healthy, always being run to doctors and hospital appointments. I will not be doing that in ten years time.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 15/12/2019 22:35

So no clue why he doesn't speak to his family?
Every time he comes over ask about them. You can obviously be repetitive as he can't even Remember your name!
And yes he's setting you up to be a carer.
And and when he chips in about a holiday look concerned and say are you ok, as you weren't there...

SnuggyBuggy · 16/12/2019 08:52

It sounds like he's alienated everyone. I'm not going to attempt an armchair diagnosis but I'm guessing there could be something seriously wrong with how he relates to other people.