Temper

[tiredtempest]

Posting this as I don't have anyone irl I want to discuss this with.

My partner has a tendency to lose his temper quickly.
He has started to lash out at my eldest son (7).
little things like moving him out of the way angrily, but as my partner is so big even a small movement is pretty powerful and he hurts him.
He pushed him out of the way the other day and he fell on the ground, another time he jabbed him in the chest as he was in the way in the porch.

Not an acceptable way to treat a small, very sensitive little boy imo.

He shouts about general daily life annoyances (a child spilt a drink, there's cereal been spilled, the children haven't brushed their teeth yet...normal family annoyances no?) I deal with this everyday but I don't roar or manhandle the children in response.

My partner is stressed about work. I try and make allowances for this but I don't think it can excuse his behaviour.

I'm a stay at home mum and try my best to keep a calm, tidy home so life just 'flows' better (and thus less tendency for anger outburst)

I don't really know how to deal with his outbursts, he mostly blames me when we talk (argue) about it.
I want to help him, I love him very much.
He just blames me for his anger all the time. I want to fix things before they escalate.

What can I do??

You can’t do anything apart from protect your son.

You can leave him and take your son to safety.

You can’t do anything. Start organising to leave before it gets worse.

You can leave with your child because your partner is abusing him.

Why are you standing idly by while your child is being abused?

You love this arsehole? Really?

Raise the bar.

OP as a parent you have a duty of care to protect your son before he gets seriously physically hurt or this behaviour gets ingrained in him as acceptable and he becomes the abusive monster your partner is. Get him out of the house - now.

Leave.

If it helps, imagine your son, 15 years on, mimicking his behaviour. How does that make you feel?

They're already escalating because now he is starting this on your child. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

How are you supposed to help your partner exactly, what can you yourself do?. Stop trying with the rescuing and or saving of this particular individual. You cannot act as either in a relationship.

You cannot help this man and besides which he does not want your help or support.

You are his current partner, not his therapist and now your son is in his firing line too. This boy is being terrorised by a crap example of a stepfather figure to him. This man of yours does this because he can and he feels entitled to do so. This is who he really is. Men like this one hate women, all of them.

My guess too is that he is not like this with people in the outside world and is quite plausible to them, abusers are like this. It is your son and you who cop all this crap from him. Protect your son by getting this bloke out of your lives now and raise your own relationship bar a lot higher going forwards for your own self too. Your own poor boundaries in relationships are costing you and your son dearly here. He deserves a home free of abuse as infact do you as well. You are NOT responsible for his moods, he is.

Please look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

I know you're all right.
I've read countless of these threads and I know what my advice would be to another woman.
Why don't we ever follow our own advice??
I don't want to leave but I would if things got worse, I suppose it's up to me to define 'worse'

Are there any good anger management books for men specifically with regards to parenting?
I want to suggest one for him to read, I think he would benefit from a self help book.

Sorry just seen some other replies and the request for a book looks really sheepish and weak...

I guess I'm just minimising the situation.

I'm reading the posts properly now while my youngest is asleep.

He is ASSAULTING your son. He's not going to read a book and stop.

It’s unfair that your poor little boy is treated like that by your partner and that you all have to walk on eggshells to avoid him becoming angry.
I couldn’t stay with such a man and wouldn’t want to see my children suffer anymore because of him.

What you have tried to date has not worked and nor will this current suggestion of yours. Look at what you have written here already, you would not be suggesting he read a self help book on AM now would you?.

You have stated that you know we are right. That is all you need to know. Its no reflection on you as a person but your boundaries are weak here and he has further exploited those perhaps already weak boundaries still further.

Your children are your number 1 priority; not him. Put yourself and they first. You are not responsible for this man who is currently in their lives too.

It is not down to you to rescue and or save this man by asking him to read a self help book. He won't read it and on top of that will further blame you yet again for yours and your kids behaviours. You brought this bloke into their lives and now it is down to you to get him out of theirs and your day to day lives. How can you be helped into achieving this aim?.

Anger Management is no answer to domestic violence which is what this really is. AM courses have little to no effect on such perpatrators of verbal and other violence within the home.

I try and make allowances for this but I don't think it can excuse his behaviour
WTF are making allowances!???
No way no way NO WAY!
He is physically assaulting and hurting your son and YOU are watching it and allowing it to happen!
Get your poor DS away from this right now.
LIKE TODAY!!!!!
YOU are not to blame for his anger.
He is a vile abuser and his anger is down to him.
Does he treat people at work like this?
People in the street?
His friends?
NO!
He saves it all for home where he knows you won't do anything.
PROTECT YOUR SON!!!!
Protect yourself.
RUN - RUN - RUN!!!

I should mention that he is the father of all my children. I didn't make that very clear, sorry.

I suppose I'm struggling to find the line between parenting struggles and abusive parenting.

I struggle some days, of course I lose my temper too, but I've never lashed out like this. And the frequency is increasing.

I feel a bit guilty thinking, even reading your comments about it as abuse when I know the realities of some children's and women's abusive backgrounds.

Has anyone moved on after addressing anger issues like this with their husband?
Does it only ever get worse?

I'm sorry, but this is abusive parenting.

Add to it, he denies any issues with his behaviour, and blames it on you. If he denies it, how are you going to get him to address it? As far as he's concerned, he's not doing anything wrong.

So how could it get better?

You need to put your son before your husband.

And the frequency is increasing
It's escalating so NO it won't improve.
It will continue to get worse.
He blames you!
He doesn't accept any blame for his own actions and feelings.
You can't fix that OP.
Unless he can admit that HE has a problem then there is literally no hope at all.
HE would need to look into anger management courses.
Also parenting classes.

You KNOW this is wrong OP. That is why you posted.
You can't make him a nice person.
He is not a nice person.
He is abusive.

1. like moving him out of the way angrily
2. pretty powerful and he hurts him
3. He pushed him out of the way the other day
4. he fell on the ground
5. jabbed him in the chest as he was in the way
6. He shouts about general daily life
7. and thus less tendency for anger outburst
8. he mostly blames me
9. He just blames me for his anger all the time

I think you're still in denial, @tiredtempest

Is this the childhood you want your DS to remember? Being pushed around and hurt by his Dad?

You need to get you children away from this man before he really hurts them.

It will keep getting worse and your children need you to protect them.

I want to help him, I love him very much.

You say this about your partner but not your son?

If you had to choose between your partner (who is well able to look after himself), and your son (who is entirely dependent upon and at his parents mercy), who would you choose?

Because that's what it could come down to, couldn't it, if Social Services got wind of the fact that your partner is physically and verbally abusing your son?

Are you codependent in relationships? It appears so
Why are his needs more important than yours or these children who are also seeing abuse within their home.

What do you want your children to remember about their childhoods?

So because you love your child’s abusive father, your seven year old child has to suffer?